


Breathe

by tigersbride



Series: Hollywood [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Actor Castiel, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Past Child Abuse, Slow Burn, Smut, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:17:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 139,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8676028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigersbride/pseuds/tigersbride
Summary: When they were young, Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak were inseparable, until things went wrong. Dean had never coped with the loss of his best friend, and it was made so much harder by Castiel's success in Hollywood.On the eve of his brother's wedding, Dean Winchester is forced to face up to his past.





	1. Rehearsal Dinner

Dean lay on his back staring at the hotel room ceiling as Lisa did her makeup in front of the full length mirror near the door. He huffed as he wriggled his shoulder blades, trying to get comfortable on the mattress and mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like 'memory foam' and the lack thereof, to which Lisa grinned. Eventually he gave up and sat upright, leaning back against the solid oak headboard, casting lazy eyes around the silvery white walls. His lips curled into a smirk as his cell vibrated and Charlie's name appeared on the screen, accompanied by a short message:

"I'm outside, you're not fucking are you?" 

He rose to open the door, letting his short, red headed friend into the room. The two women made cursory greetings as Lisa finished applying mascara to her bottom lashes. Dean smiled at her when she turned around, she did look beautiful. He dragged a hand down his front, smoothing out his shirt where it had crinkled a little, and caught sight of himself in the mirror, brushing his fingers quickly through the short lengths of his dark blonde hair that was being a little unruly today. 

Lisa grabbed her purse and the three of them left the room, making small talk as they approached the small dining room where the rehearsal dinner was taking place. Dean found himself getting nervous as they neared the door; not only was he going to have to give his best man's speech tomorrow but he was going to have to give a toast tonight, and public speaking was hardly his thing. He just hoped Sam and Jess appreciated that and didn't blame him if no one laughed at any of his terrible jokes. 

Charlie opened the door to a moderately sized dining area, with oak clad walls and vibrant red clothed furnishings. The tables were laid out in a circle in front of them, rife with decoration, spaces left at the far side for Sam and his bride-to-be. Dean cast his eyes round the room, acknowledging Jess's family and her two bridesmaids. 

But next to Jess's sister was someone that Dean hadn't seen in almost ten years, at least not in the flesh, and his heart and legs stopped moving as he caught sight of familiar black hair on a chiselled face, a man in an expensive suit. 

Suddenly it was all too much and his legs remembered exactly how to walk again, marching him in entirely the wrong direction and back out of the room. He couldn't walk far before they gave out, and he curled up in a corner of the hall with his head in his hands. Charlie found him like that as she chased after him, and she pulled his head back up, her own expression mirroring the panic in Dean's. 

"Breathe!" She hissed at him, and as he stared back into her eyes he forced his lungs to expand, taking a deep breath and somewhat ridding himself of the black spots that had started to float in front of his vision. "Keep breathing!"

Dean focused all of his attention on his breathing, trying painfully to maintain some kind of rhythm, but in reality just making shallow gasps. He could hear the noise in the background of Charlie calling Sam, explaining that she had no idea what had happened, that one minute he was fine but the next... He tried desperately not to think about Castiel fucking Novak and what he might be doing at Sam's rehearsal dinner. 

But Sam arrived then, having been on his way down anyway and broken into a run following Charlie's call. His jaw length brown hair flapped as he slowed to a stop. He kneeled down next to his older brother, sighing as he took in Dean's rapid breathing and the tears leaking out of his squeezed shut eyes. Sam glanced up at Charlie, who was watching Dean with concern. 

"What exactly happened?" He asked her gently. When Charlie explained that they had only just entered the room when Dean had run off, Sam elaborated. "Who was in the room, Charlie?"

"Sam you’ve gotta tell me that guy isn’t seriously Castiel Novak!? Why the hell is he at your wedding? But Jess’s family, and her bridesmaid, y'know, the cute one? Dorothy? And…” Charlie paused as she thought.. “Why are you looking at me like that? Why would Dean… What’s going on?” 

"Shit" Sam muttered. "It's a long story." He turned back to Dean who'd started rocking back and forth at the sound of Castiel's name. "Dean I'm sorry. We didn't think he could get here until the morning and I didn't want to tell you before... I was scared you wouldn't come." 

Dean said nothing and Sam had to remind him again to keep breathing. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to do this. Why here? Why now? He had hoped this day would never come, but of all the times... it had to be now, didn't it? What the hell was he gunna do? He'd managed ok for a long time but now all of his carefully built walls were cracking. Shit… Shit. Shit. Shit. He was going to have to man up and get on with this. There was no way out. 

Sam rose slowly as Jess reached them, turning to his fiancée with a shake of his head. Jess ran her hand down Sam's arm, gave his hand a squeeze, and sat down next to Dean, gesturing for Sam and Charlie to leave them. 

"Hey." She said softly, putting her hand over Dean’s, slender fingers curling between his. "Dean I know this must be hard, and I don't know what happened between the two of you all those years ago, but you've gotta get up and do this for Sam, ok? He needs you. I'm really sorry we didn't tell you, but it's just tonight and tomorrow, then you'll never have to see him again." 

Dean turned his head and looked into Jess's blue-green eyes. He nodded gently, taking a deep breath as he did. He could feel his common sense starting to creep back in. He went to run his sleeve over his eyes and nose but took the tissue Jess produced from her purse with a small smile. "Sorry for causing a scene." Dean said quietly.

Jess shook her head and squeezed his hand. ”Just pretend he isn't here." 

"I didn't realise you were still friends." Dean admitted, feeling self-centred for his assumption that they weren't. 

"We just don't mention him around you." Jess smiled sadly. "We don't see him much though, what with his work." 

"Yeah. Yeah I guess he's not around much." 

Jess seemed eager to stop talking about it, and Dean supposed he couldn't blame her. The first time Cas had shown up on the TV, in a commercial for his first movie about 7 years before, Dean had had the worst panic attack he'd ever had, and eventually had blacked out while Sam and Jess were speaking to the 911 operator. They had still been living together at that point and his attacks had been far more frequent. Jess stood up and reached her hand down to Dean, nodding her head toward the door as she straightened out her red dress and tucked a blonde curl behind her ear. "Come on."

Dean followed her, staring at the floor with his heart still pounding as they reentered the room. Typically, his assigned seat was almost opposite to Castiel, between Lisa, and Charlie, who grabbed his hand and squeezed it as he sat down. Lisa gave him a questioning look and he shook his head. This was not something he wanted to explain. No one knew what had happened almost ten years ago except for Castiel and himself. He glanced up courageously, but his eyes shot back down the minute they looked straight into Castiel's deep blue. He squashed the thought that he'd missed them as he realised that Cas didn't look like he was faring much better than he was. It had been ten years but he could still read the struggle and sadness in that face. Thoughts like that made him hurt more, and Charlie must have noticed the exchange because she put her hand on the small of Dean's back protectively. 

He ate in silence, barely even noticing how good the food was. Charlie gave him concerned, confused glances in between making eyes at Dorothy and looking starstruck over at Castiel, while Lisa chatted happily to Jess's older brother. Castiel wasn't talking to anyone either, he noticed despite himself. After dinner, the waiters walked around handing out glasses of champagne, and it dawned on him that he was still going to have to give a toast. All eyes suddenly landed on him as the groom's only surviving member of family. He took a few deep breaths and looked toward Jess for support. She smiled knowingly and nodded. Just keep looking at them. Dean stood.

“Sammy.” He stammered, smirking as Sam rolled his eyes and Jess chuckled. "Thank you for putting up with me for all these years." That received a few laughs. "But seriously, I know I can be a pain in the ass. And Jess, thank you for making him so happy, for being my sister as well as his girlfriend, and my mother when I've needed you..." He trailed off, aware this was sounding like something out of a chick flick. Pull it together, Winchester. "...When I've needed you to do the washing and ironing." More laughs, and a happy eye roll from Jess. "You make each other so happy and I wish you all the best. To Sam, and his Jess." He raised his glass and drank as everyone repeated the sentiment. Dean drained his glass before he was done. 

Charlie noticed and giggled, nudging him in the ribs. "There are two more toasts y'know." 

Finally it was over, and Dean escaped from the room as quickly as was acceptable, feigning tiredness when he received questioning glances from those who knew nothing of his history with Cas Novak. Charlie was chatting to Dorothy, Sam was occupied by Jess and her family, and Lisa claimed she would join him later. She looked pissed off, but Dean tried to pretend he was oblivious, he wondered if she was expecting him to ask her something important tonight. He felt he had bigger problems, he could handle that later. 

Dean fled into the bathroom outside the dining room, tears falling sooner than he could stop them, and locked himself inside a cubicle, allowing himself to feel the pain the evening had reminded him of. He heard the bathroom door open and pulled himself together as he wiped his face with toilet paper and flushed it. He stepped out to wash his hands, but stopped dead when he saw someone splashing water over his face and through his hair, someone who’s blue eyes were lined red, and Dean could see he’d been crying too. Dean didn't realise he'd been backing against the wall until he felt the tiles through his shirt, and before he knew it his legs had given out and he was on the floor for the second time that evening, staring wide eyed at Castiel. 

Rather than leave, Cas rushed closer, crouching down at arms length. "Breathe." He commanded, but the sound of his voice only made it worse and Dean closed his eyes, feeling himself get dizzier by the second. Cas’s hand reached out to his cheek while his other shook him gently by the shoulder. “Dean, breathe." 

And with his touch, Dean did. Castiel breathed with him, exaggerating the breaths to set a pattern for Dean to follow, just like he used to when they were only kids. When Dean was breathing normally he opened his eyes and allowed himself to look at Cas properly for the first time in ten years. He’d grown into his face and tight, flawless skin stretched over his cheekbones and down to his strong jaw, where a small amount of stubble threatened to break through the skin. He could feel the old wounds tearing open and the pain was almost too much to bear, but he had to allow himself this one thing. Castiel sat backward onto the floor and stared back at him with tears in his eyes. They sat there for a few minutes, unspeaking, just seeing, but it was taking its toll on them both. 

"So you still won't talk to me, huh?" Cas asked bitterly, looking away to wipe his eyes. His pain was palpable, and Dean had the overwhelming desire to take it away. 

But he found his mouth didn't want to work, and his brain wasn't convinced either. It wasn't until Cas had stood up and was walking toward the door that his heart triumphed. "Cas..." he gargled in a pained manner. The first word he'd spoken to the guy in ten years and it was totally unintelligible. He tried again. "Please. Wait." 

Cas turned, fresh tears skating down his pinked cheeks. "What did I do wrong?" He whispered, the sentence cutting through the air and Dean's heart alike. Dean scrambled up to face him, but before he could answer, the door opened again and Sam walked in, freezing when he saw the standoff between his brother and his friend. Cas looked at Sam, alarmed, and fled the bathroom. 

"What the...?" Sam asked, taking in Dean's red eyes and fallen expression. "Are you ok?" Dean shook his head no. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened? 

Dean huffed a sarcastic laugh. "I'm going to bed."


	2. Confrontation

Sleep eluded him. Not, as he might claim, because the bed was hot and the mattress was hard and springy, not because Lisa had joined him in bed an hour or so after he reached his room, but because all he could see when he tried to sleep was the pain he’d seen in Castiel’s blue eyes, the despair. It was all his fault. Maybe it was because it was the middle of the night, 3.32am according to his cell phone’s display, and maybe it was in poor judgement, but Dean felt an overwhelming need to fix the problem he’d created ten years ago, to take the pain away. There was nothing holding him back now, was there? No one that could get in the way… How many times had he needed his friend over the last ten years? How many times had he wanted just to see him, to hear his voice? He had always _needed_ Castiel. Seeing him again proved that they both still cared.

Dean pulled back the sheets and snuck out of the room quietly, feeling Lisa stir beside him. He padded down to reception barefoot, in his checked flannel pyjamas. He approached the desk and caught the attention and curious gaze of the polished, middle aged woman behind it.

"Hi, sorry, I know it's the middle of the night but can you tell me what room Castiel Novak is staying in please?" 

The receptionist laughed, as if he were joking. Upon realising he wasn’t, she frowned.  

"I'm sorry sir, but that information is confidential, we don't give out the details of any of our customers, let alone Hollywood stars." 

"I'm hardly a paparazzi, I'm in my fucking pyjamas for god's sake.” He muttered irritably. “I'm the best man for the Winchester wedding tomorrow and he's a guest." 

"I'm sorry, sir." 

Dean groaned and turned around, hopping into the elevator. As he stared at the floor options he had a thought, and quickly pulled out his cell and Googled the hotel. Sure enough it was offering a penthouse suite, and he knew Sam and Jess wouldn't have been able to afford it. What were the chances that Cas would be in the penthouse? On a whim, he hit the button for the top floor, and, heart pounding, stepped out of elevator when it pinged open. He walked along the short corridor to the only door and knocked three times. 

He took a step back when a young Asian man in a suit opened the door. 

"Yes?" He asked, glaring suspiciously at the man in pyjamas on his doorstep. 

"Sorry... I must have got the wrong room." He stammered. "I was looking for my friend.. My friend Cas." 

The guy at the door narrowed his eyes and folded his arms, looking at him curiously, but a small voice called from behind him. "Dean?"

And there he was, peeking out from behind the guy who, of course, was his bodyguard, his hair messed up in its usual bed head fashion, looking tired, like he hadn't slept at all either. His face hardened slightly when Dean just stared at him. "What do you want, Dean?" 

 _You_. Said a banished thought from the back of his head. "I just want to talk, Cas." He choked.  

Cas sighed and slipped backwards into the room. "Kevin, let him in."

Dean stepped awkwardly around Kevin, and glanced at him when he made no attempt to leave. Castiel must have noticed, he asked him to give them some privacy. 

The room was large, with an ornate decor, sitting area, fully equipped kitchen, and several doors off of which Dean assumed must be the bathroom and bedroom. It was bigger than Dean's own apartment. "Nice place." he muttered awkwardly as he looked around. Cas had seated himself on one of the couches, and Dean took a place on one opposite him. 

"It's 3.40am on the day of your brother's wedding." Cas remarked, as if he was pissed off that Dean was here. There was relief, as well as frustration, that Dean could see in his eyes. "Why now, Dean?"

"I couldn't sleep." Dean admitted. 

"Nor me." Cas said sadly. 

"You're still as messed up as I am." Dean stated, to which Cas said nothing. 

They sat in an awkward silence for several moments while Dean worked out where to begin. He twiddled his thumbs, trying to come up with a starting point, trying to find the words and ignore the pain and panic twisting through his gut and choking his lungs. His heart beat furiously inside him and it was becoming hard to ignore. There may have been a knife in it for all he knew, it hurt as if there was. 

“What do you want, Dean?” Castiel repeated, arms crossed defensively in front of his chest. 

Dean glanced up, breath catching. His heart pounded loudly and he squeezed his eyes shut at the sight of the pain and anger in Castiel’s expression. 

“If you’re not going to say anything then you may as well leave.” Cas whispered irritably, standing and turning away from him. Dean forced a breath into his lungs, feeling the cool air bite at him inside. 

“I’m trying, just… give me a chance.” He found the strength to mutter. 

“A chance?” Cas repeated, frustrated. “Dean you’ve had ten years worth of chances. Why the fuck do you think you deserve another?” 

Dean sat in silence, frozen in panic. 

“You’re the one that left, remember?” Cas whispered, biting. “You didn’t have to come up here. You didn’t have to keep hurting me…” 

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Dean yelled suddenly, clambering to his feet with a sudden surge of epinephrine. Castiel turned to face him, eyebrows raised. “I never wanted that. I never wanted…” He trailed off despite his brave intentions.

“Never wanted what, Dean? Never wanted me?” Cas spat back. 

“No, not… ugh.” Dean huffed, exasperated. “I never wanted to leave you.” He choked, and tears  unbidden began to squeeze out from under his eyelids, tracking down his cheeks.  

Castiel eyed him with confusion. “What…?” He began to ask, but Dean was sobbing into his hands uncontrollably, and despite himself he found it hurting. Reluctantly, he closed the gap between them and pulled Dean’s head against his chest, holding him safely and revelling in his warmth. He could feel Dean’s palpitations against his own, and although the pain was intense it was somehow easier to manage with him in his arms.

“I freaked out, Cas.” Dean whispered, lifting his head away a few moments later. 

“Yes Dean, I noticed.” 

“I mean back then.” Dean exclaimed, running a hand through his hair. 

“You expect me to believe that this is all about another panic? It’s been ten years Dean, don’t you dare think I’m so stupid as to believe that. Just man up and tell me what went wrong.” Castiel was exasperated, at the end of his tether. He resisted an urge to begin pacing as he fought back tears of his own. 

"No - I.... none of this has been easy for me Cas!"  

"And it's been easy for me?!" 

"I'm not saying that! But you show up in every commercial, in every movie... Don't think for one second this has been easy for me." Dean flexed his fingers, half reaching out in the hope that Cas would realise he was trying, would understand that he’d never been good with words or good at talking, would take his olive branch.  

“Because you're so freaked out? You're unbelievable Dean. You know you were the only one that knew, the only one I… ”

When fresh tears fell from Dean’s eyes, Castiel shook his head and took a step away, tears of his own threatening to spill over. “Just get out.” He said bitterly. 

Dean remained rooted to the spot. “No… just…” 

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Cas spat, turning back to face him, a new anger in his expression. “Get. Out.” 

“I didn’t want to leave.” Dean blurted desperately, refusing to move an inch. “Cas, please. This isn’t because of you.” 

“It’s not you it’s me, Dean, seriously? Don’t be such an ass.” 

“It wasn’t because of me either.” Dean said, suddenly just as angry, his frustration with himself as much as with Castiel for not giving him the time he needed to answer. “I know I haven’t handled it well, and I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you but this isn’t completely my fault.” 

“What the fuck do you mean?” Cas squared up to him. “How is it anyone’s fault other than yours? You’re the one who left. You’re the one who wouldn’t speak to me…” 

“It is _not_ all my fault.” Dean insisted, panic setting in once again. He felt suddenly like he needed to give in, to cower and agree that Cas was right, that everything was his fault, that he was worthless and he deserved the pain he was feeling. He resisted the urge to run.  

“Then whose fault is it? Because it sure as hell isn’t mine. You know damn well you wanted it as much as I did and I will not have you saying otherwise.” 

“Cas will you just let me speak?” Dean’s composure broke as he looked away from Castiel. He found himself staring at the floor in silence. He needed a hug, some support of some kind, but somehow he didn’t think it would go down well. He focused his attention on his breathing, trying to keep it steady. He had no hope of getting anywhere if he let his panic take over again. Castiel was at the end of his tether, not that he could blame him, and he knew he was only a fraction away from being forcibly removed and having to live with the pain for the rest of his life. He needed to be strong, to just get the words out, to admit his secret to the one person that might understand.  

Cas watched him as they calmed down, he knew that if he wanted to get anywhere he would have to give Dean time to answer. Dean had never been good at talking. “Whose fault is it?” Cas asked steadily after a few minutes. 

“If my dad had found out…” Dean whispered, lifting his gaze slowly to meet Castiel’s. 

Cas narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?” 

“He wasn’t a great guy.” 

“I know that… but what has he got to do with this?” 

Dean rolled his eyes and looked away, dropping his head into his hands, finding himself unable to speak once again. He wanted to speak, needed to, but he couldn’t break the barrier his mind had built long ago and maintained carefully in his years of denial. He was silent for long enough that the cogs in Castiel’s mind began to turn in unison, and his expression began to slowly change. 

Dean stood suddenly, and pulled off his pyjama shirt. If he couldn’t say it, he would show him. Cas eyed him with a mixture of curiosity and horror, and Dean took a step closer, reaching out to take Castiel’s hand and guiding it to the multitude of small scars that adorned his abdomen. Dean flinched a little at the touch. As Cas’s fingers brushed the dense tissue there, he chewed his lip, tilting his head in sympathy. He looked at Dean then, really looked at him, at the panic in his eyes and the tiredness in his features. He looked heartbroken.

“But you… he used to take you hunting.” Cas whispered unsteadily, eyes wide and scared. Dean shook his head. “He took you to karate lessons…” 

Dean shook his head.

“Fuck.” Cas muttered, turning and sitting back down on the couch. Dean joined him silently. Cas dropped his head into his hands as he processed this new information, and when he’d allowed a few moments for it to sink in, he turned towards Dean, an overwhelming sense of guilt and understanding swimming through his consciousness. “I can’t… I’m so sorry.” 

Dean shrugged, not meeting his eyes, preferring instead to stare at his lap, where he resumed fiddling with his fingers. “I couldn’t risk it… couldn’t risk us… I mean what if he hurt Sammy? I had to protect him. What if he’d hurt you?” Dean met his sympathetic gaze and felt a rush of relief at the forgiveness he could see in Cas's expression. It was too difficult to maintain their eye contact, the pain was so raw. 

They’d only been teenagers, and Cas had harboured his suspicions and a strong dislike for John Winchester, but he'd been blind to ignore the abuse happening to his friend over and over again. “I know…. but, Jesus Dean, you should have told me anyway. Or told someone at least.” 

"I was so scared of him. Of what he might do. Of what you might do, too." 

Cas sighed deeply again. “Yeah. I know. I wouldn't have been best pleased." He shot Dean a sad smile before he realised what Dean had said. "Did you say _was_ scared?" 

"Yeah... He uhmm, he's gone. Drank himself to death." 

"Sam never mentioned it..." 

"They never really got on." 

"No, I suppose not." Cas rubbed his eyes free of the tears that had adorned them for so long. He had wondered earlier why John wasn’t at the rehearsal dinner.

They sat in silence for a while longer, side by side. Cas felt so overwhelmed with emotions that were confusing him to his core, and the overwhelming guilt at the knowledge he’d let his friend walk out of his life to keep him safe left him feeling sour. Everything he thought he’d understood was wrong, and while he hadn’t exactly gone about it the right way, Dean had been acting selflessly all along, working to protect him and Sam, sacrificing his own happiness in the process. It was just so annoyingly _Dean,_ that Cas wondered why he hadn’t realised sooner, but he figured that his pain had been blinding him. He’d been so self-centred the whole time, assuming it was something he’d done, that he’d taken things a step too far. It hadn’t been about him at all. He wished he’d tried to talk to him again before now, but then, he wondered, would they be having this conversation if John wasn’t dead and buried? 

"I've missed you, more than you know." Dean admitted quietly. As Cas faced him he began to cry anew, and Cas threw his arms around his friend, pulling him into his chest as they cried together for what felt like a whole day. 

When their tears had finally dried up, Cas smiled as he released his arms from around Dean’s back. He wriggled on the couch, getting comfortable. “I’m so sorry… I should have realised… we could have done something about it.” 

“Don’t think like that.” Dean shook his head as he grabbed his hand, turning it over in his own and examining it closely, marvelling at how right it felt against his. “I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know, really. They might have separated me and Sam, or at least taken us away from you.” 

“So instead you took yourself away from me?” 

“I know I handled it badly.” Dean admitted. “I thought I was protecting you. We were just kids.” 

Castiel chewed his lip as he nodded, deep in thought. Dean squeezed his hand. In the background he heard the door open, a small voice, and a scuffle as Kevin pulled someone out of the room. "Charlie." Dean muttered, having recognised her voice at the door. 

“Is she your girlfriend?” Castiel asked quietly. 

“No.” Dean laughed a small, nervous laugh. “She’s not… on that team. She’s a friend, a programmer I met when I blew up my computer, although she works for me now. I’m with Lisa, the brunette that sat next to me at dinner?” 

“Oh, she’s pretty.” Cas sighed, a slight disappointment in his tone. “How long have you been together?” 

“We were a bit on and off to start with, but for five years I guess.” 

“Wow, well done.” Cas paused and Dean rolled his eyes. “But you’re not married, or engaged?” 

“No.” Dean sighed. His eye lit up in a smile. “Important question. Are you really dating Taylor Swift?” 

Cas shot him a glare. “Is that what they’re saying?” 

“According to Charlie.” 

“Taylor and I are just friends.” 

Dean grinned. “I gathered.” He earned an elbow in the ribs and Cas smiled back at him. “I’ve never told anyone, you know.” 

“I know, I’d have heard if you had.” Cas smiled. “Thank you.” 

“Congrats on the oscar and stuff, by the way. I mean, it’s kinda sucked having you show up everywhere but I’m really happy for you. I know how much you wanted it.” 

“Uh… thanks?” Cas whispered, side-eyeing him with a smirk. He slowly dropped his head into his hands, suddenly acutely aware of the late, or perhaps early hour. Dean glanced up at him, looking just as exhausted. Cas needed to sleep, but he didn’t want to be alone. He slipped off of the couch and sat on the floor, turning so that he was lying on his back in the carpet and looking up at the ceiling. Dean watched, confused, but as Castiel gestured to the floor next to him, he shrugged.

"This carpet is better than the mattress in my room." Dean chuckled as he joined him.

They fell into a comfortable silence, and before long Cas had his arm back over Dean and Dean had buried his head into Cas's neck, marvelling at how he still smelled the same. They lay there for a while, until Cas realised that Dean was asleep. He leaned up to grab a blanket from the couch and pulled it over the both of them, closing his own eyes. They still had some talking left to do, but for the first time in ten years Cas could see a light at the end of this tunnel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for marking this as complete at first, I posted it at 2am XD 
> 
> Hope you're enjoying!


	3. Ceremony

Barely two hours later, Kevin was standing over them, holding Cas's cell as it sang out the tones of his alarm. "Wakey wakey." He called, taunting. Cas squinted and groaned as he looked up at him, and Dean didn't move his head from Cas's neck. 

"You're probably needed, best man." Kevin chuckled.

At the reminder, Dean pulled himself away from Castiel, instantly missing the loss of his warm body on his own. "Shit." He muttered. "It's morning." 

Cas sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah... Your girlfriend... Lisa's gunna kill you." 

"Let her." Dean mumbled. "She'll be alright when I explain." 

"She knows?" Cas looked shocked.

"No, not… No one does. She didn't even know I knew you until yesterday, actually." 

"She's gunna be pissed Dean, you better get down there and do some damage control before you go and sort out Sam." 

Dean nodded his response and grunted as he stood up. Cas followed suit. "I'll see you down there?" 

"Yeah, you will." 

Dean noticed his shirt was still off, he grabbed it off of the couch and dragged over his head. He looked up suddenly and asked quietly, "Cas, are we good?" 

Cas smiled and pulled him into another hug. "Yeah, we're good." 

 

*

The ceremony room was as beautiful as Sam and Jess deserved, and Jess looked a picture in her laced fishtail dress, her long blonde hair half up, half down, entwined with small flowers. As she began to walk down the aisle to the wedding march, Sam turned and caught a glimpse of her, unable to resist, and before any of them knew it he was crying freely, overwhelmed with happiness and emotion. Upon catching sight of his brother, sobbing at the top of the aisle, Dean found himself welling up too, proud of the tall man he’d half raised. The bridesmaids didn’t look so bad either, in their dusky purple floor length dresses, as Charlie had pointed out. She’d earned an elbow to the ribs for the comment. 

As the bride and groom said their vows the tears escaped Dean’s eyes, he beamed up at the two from his seat next to Lisa, who was smiling happily despite the cool attitude she’d been aiming at him. He hadn’t done a good job at smoothing things over, she definitely hadn’t believed he’d been with Charlie the night before. He wasn’t even sure why he was lying about it, but somehow he just didn’t want her to know the truth of where he’d been. 

Dean couldn’t help glancing occasionally back amongst the guests, eyes seeking Castiel’s. They met each other’s gaze several times, the brightness of their smiles not going unnoticed. Dean felt a rush of relief every time his smile was returned, a weight off of his chest. He prayed it wouldn’t be awkward, he wanted to talk to him, catch up, but the reality of fitting each other back into their lives might prove difficult, particularly with the way they’d left things. 

“I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride.” Exclaimed the registrar, and with the world’s largest smile Sam ducked his head down to his shorter wife, his long arms easily finding her lower back and pulling her close as their lips met and their guests cheered and clapped. Dean wasn’t sure he’d ever cried so much over a weekend.

 

*

“Well done for not forgetting the rings.” Charlie grinned at him during the pre-reception drinks. They had been ushered into the bar, and were leaning heavily against it while they waited for their orders to be poured. “So, I have to ask, what’s the deal with Castiel?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Dean sighed stubbornly. He already felt panicked at the thought of speaking to him again, but he desperately wanted to all the same. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so confused about someone. Not that he had ever been great at sorting through his emotions. 

Charlie eyed him curiously, but shrugged, letting it go. Dean could see it was driving her wild, not knowing. She had always known everything about him, or she thought she had. He tried to think about it from her perspective, not knowing he’d had a major falling out with someone years before, but also that someone being who he was. “You two made up, though?” 

“Yeah, I uh… I thought it was time.” Dean shuffled uncomfortably.

“I saw you up there with him.” She admitted quietly. 

“I heard you, how come you were there?” 

“Lisa called asking if you were with me, she’d woken up and you weren’t in bed. I told her you were and went looking for you. I was worried you’d done something stupid. Maybe I was right?” Her expression was too knowing for Dean’s liking, and not for the first time he wished she couldn’t read him like the book he was. 

“I just had to apologise.” Dean said quietly. 

“For what?” 

Dean shook his head. He hadn’t broached that subject with Cas himself yet, and he wasn’t prepared to get into this right now. Charlie took the warning in his expression and dropped it, although it was obviously driving her crazy. 

“Are you gunna introduce me to him then?” She asked with her signature cheeky grin. He paused, taking a deep breath while his eyes scouted the room. He rolled his eyes and took her hand, using his other to give Lisa’s shoulder a squeeze as he walked past her. She smiled at him but it lacked warmth, and he could see she was pissed off about last night. 

“Cas?” He smiled, taking a seat on the table where Cas was sitting, chatting reluctantly to one of Jess’s friends with a bored look on his face. Dean’s heart pounded violently in panic, but Castiel’s expression brightened when he saw Dean and Charlie. 

“Dean.” He said happily, his features more gorgeous than the silver screen ever could show. “And you must be Charlie? I’ve heard you’re a good friend.” 

“Damn straight I am.” She smirked, sitting between Castiel and Jess’s friend who looked petulant at being displaced from the conversation. “But seriously, how come I’d never heard about you until yesterday?” 

Dean, who had been sipping at his beer, choked and spluttered as Cas looked at him awkwardly. “Charlie.” He scalded, but she was already laughing, her evil sense of humour making them both uncomfortable. “She’s winding you up.” He explained to Cas, who quirked his eyebrow and looked back at her with interest. 

“I’d never heard about you until yesterday either.” Cas countered. Although he was already embarrassed and a little uncomfortable, he could see why Dean liked her.

“Touché.” Charlie grinned.  Jess’s friend got up and walked away scowling. 

“Think she thought she was in there, buddy.” Dean said quietly, so only the three of them would hear. 

“She’s not really your type though, is she Cas?” Charlie smiled knowingly. Dean glared daggers at her and Castiel looked toward Dean, hurt. “Don’t worry, Dean hasn’t said anything, I’m just that good at reading people, and your secret is safe with me.” 

“I… uh…”

“But you’re not dating Taylor Swift then?” Charlie continued, and that had Cas laughing. Charlie grinned and stood up to get them all another drink. 

Once they were alone, Dean turned to Castiel, feeling suddenly awkward again. “I honestly didn’t say anything to her.” 

“I believe you.” Cas sighed. He didn’t want his spirits dampened by the conversation. “People do guess sometimes, usually the press, although I’m normally quick enough to deny it.” 

“Why do you deny it?” Dean asked quietly. 

“It didn’t go so well the first time I told someone.” Cas said pointedly, leaving Dean feeling stupid and guilty at the same time. 

“I’m sorry Cas.” 

“I know, I’m sorry too.” He leaned back in the booth. “I feel like shit about it all, to be honest. What about you? Did you ever… Have you ever thought of…you know, with another…”   
  
The question was poorly put but laced with meaning and Dean shook his head, feeling that familiar bubble of panic begin in his chest. What was he supposed to say to that? His mind raced back to the last time he’d spoken to Castiel, to the event that had led to their friendship’s demise. 

 

*

“ _Dean. You can’t keep stringing her along like that.” A teenage Castiel had said to his best friend as they arrived back in his bedroom after a friend’s house party.  He dragged off his hoody and dropped it onto the wooden floor. The room was a large double, with high, sloping ceilings reaching up into the roof. The walls were papered, green and patterned, and his furniture was old and worn, the double bed tattered from years of use, the wardrobe tall and creaking._

_“Why not? She’s up for it.”  Dean whined, removing his own jacket and tossing it over by Castiel’s._

_“Cassie was up for it because she likes you Dean, and I don’t believe you like her the same way.”_

_“Of course I don’t. But why would I turn down an easy fuck?” Dean was unbuttoning his jeans and pulling them off. Castiel was trying desperately not to look._

_“Maybe because she’s a human with feelings, Dean. If she doesn’t want the same thing… it’s not fair to her.”_

_“Cas, you can’t give me that shit because you’ve never even had a fuck.”_

_“Dean -“_

_“Angel by name, angel by nature, right Castiel?”_

_“Don’t be such an asshole.”_

_“I’m not being an asshole Cas, you need to lighten up.”_

_Castiel said nothing, standing with his back against the old hardwood door and taking deep breaths to try and dissipate his anger. Dean was drunk, they both had had a few too many beers, they didn’t know what they were saying._

_“Cas?” Dean whispered, walking toward Castiel until they were in each other’s space, too close, closer even than usual. He was all but pinning him against the door. “How do you know?”_

_“Know what?” Cas asked petulantly._

_“You know… that you like girls. That you’re straight?”_

_That had him stumped._

_“Uh… I don’t know… uh… breasts? Breasts are… nice?” Cas panicked._

_“Yeah?” Dean whispered, inching his face closer to Castiel’s. “I kinda thought you might want something else. I kinda think I want something else. Someone else.”_

_Cas’s breathing hitched as he forced himself to nod, and with that silent permission, Dean dipped forward, grazing his lips to Castiel’s. No sparks flew but Cas felt like he was going to explode from the desire that coursed through him. His hands grabbed the back of Dean’s hair and tangled through the short lengths, while Dean’s squeezed his waist and he entered Cas’s mouth with his tongue. Dean moaned as Cas let a hand slide down his back to pull at his ass, covered only by those tight white boxers that were becoming tighter by the second. Cas pushed and Dean started stumbling backward, tongues still dancing, falling onto the bed as his legs collided with the wooden frame._

_“Want you so fucking much.” Dean growled as he reached up and pulled Cas down on top of him. Cas started undoing his shirt buttons and kissing every patch of skin he was uncovering and Dean continued to moan and curse. “I’ve always wanted you so fucking much.”_

_Cas couldn’t quite believe it was happening after so many years of friendship and with every kiss he placed his heart skipped, trying to show Dean exactly what he meant to him. He finished with his shirt buttons and pulled his arms out, exposing his muscled bare chest and the scars and bruises he’d gained from various hunting trips. Dean groped at the hem of Cas’s t-shirt and yanked it over his head, licking a line from his abdomen to his neck and giving him gooseflesh. Cas dipped his hand into Dean’s lap, giving his hard-on a tight squeeze and watching the need in his eyes escalate as he rubbed his cock. Dean’s hands were pulling frustrated at the button on Cas’s jeans but failing miserably, so Cas stood quickly and pulled them off himself. When Dean’s hands massaged Cas’s own hardening length he let out a guttural moan he didn’t realise he’d been holding, and Dean’s cock twitched at the sound._

_“I want you to fuck me, Cas.” Dean whispered. Cas swallowed, unsure whether to believe what he was hearing or assume this was just a fantastic wet dream. “Please… I need to you fuck me.”_

_Cas pulled down Dean’s boxers and enveloped his leaking cock in his mouth, sucking the head for a few minutes until Dean kneed him in the chest. “Not like this.” He begged. Cas nodded and Dean opened his legs expectantly. Cas trailed a finger from the base of his length, along his perineum and around the ring of sensitive muscle beneath. Dean growled again and whispered please over and over, and it was too much. Cas leaned across the bed and pulled out some lube and a condom from his sock drawer, rubbing his finger with the gel before pressing it firmly inside Dean, who bucked away a little from the pressure. Cas let him adjust before pumping once, twice, three times with the finger, and Dean cried out so loudly Cas worried the neighbours might hear and report back to his mother when she returned from her business trip._

_He added another finger and Dean writhed under him, coming apart with every touch. With his spare hand Cas rubbed the slit of Dean’s wet cock, dragging the precome down his length. When he hit Dean’s prostate, Dean screamed out a string of curses and fucked into his fingers. Cas added a third and he grunted as he was scissored open. “I’m ready Cas, please, I’m so fucking ready.”_

_“Almost.” Cas commanded and Dean looked up at him with actual tears in his eyes. Cas pressed in a fourth finger and he swore Dean almost came right there, looking into his eyes. It was too much. Cas pulled his fingers out quickly and lined himself up at Dean’s hole. “Are you sure?” He asked one last time._

_“Just fuck me already Castiel!”_

_And with that he fucked into Dean, thrusting into his best friend, into the most unimaginably tight space and it was so much better than he’d imagined, and Dean was writhing at each thrust, seeing stars every time Cas’s perfect cock pressed into his prostate, settling in to a rhythm that threw them over the edge quicker than they ever would have expected. Within minutes, Dean was screaming as his orgasm rode through him, hot spurts of thick come shooting across both of their chests. Seeing Dean come apart underneath him tipped Cas over the same edge and he groaned as he spilled into Dean, filling him up from the inside._

_He couldn’t hold himself up any longer and he collapsed down onto Dean’s chest, grimacing only a little as the come across both of their bodies spread across their skin. Dean kissed his hair as he gasped for breath. After a few minutes, Cas’s cock had softened and he slipped it out of Dean, Dean groaning at not only the loss but at Cas’s come trickling from his hole. Cas stood slowly, unsteadily, and smiled down at Dean who smiled back as Cas walked into his en-suite bathroom to clean up._

_Dean took a few deep breaths while he realised what they’d just done._

_When Cas came out of the bathroom holding a warm, wet washcloth, he instantly recognised the panicked state Dean was in as one of his attacks. He rushed to his side and sat him upright._

_“Breathe” He hissed._

_Dean looked up at him, wide eyed. “I can’t do this.” He muttered, grabbing his clothes as he stood._

 

_*_

“Hey… Dean? You ok?” Cas asked, worried that he’d gone too far with his questions. “Are you breathing?” Dean sat there as if in a trance, mind replaying the events from ten years prior. At the sound of his friends voice he took a breath and looked back up at him, face softening as he took it in, took in the blue eyes, sex hair, and the now even more muscled physique that Cas wasn’t hiding well underneath his tailored suit. _Fuck_. Dean thought to himself. _I still want him._ He was saved from answering by Charlie who came to tell them that it was time for the reception. 

 


	4. Reception

Dean could see Castiel well from the top table where he was seated between Sam and Lisa. The room was elaborately decorated, flowers trailing from every possible surface, with large vases in the middle of the circular tables filled with their many, dressed up guests. Sam was grinning like an idiot, had been for the whole day, as he sat there amongst his friends, Dean, and his new family. Dean was overjoyed for the kid.

“So where were you, last night?” Lisa asked with a bitter tone before the meal was served. “Charlie said you were with her but I don’t believe her. She was covering for you.”   
  
“It’s complicated, ok?” Dean was exasperated. Sure, he loved Lisa, and sure, he was being a shitty boyfriend this weekend, but he had other stuff going on, stuff that had plagued him for years, and he’d been too het up over it to have ever wanted to talk about it. He didn’t want to have this conversation with her. But then, he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to. 

“So was it that bridesmaid?” She asked. 

“What? No…” Dean looked at her, surprised. “If anything I think she’s more likely to go home with Charlie.” 

“Then who?”

“I needed to get some things off my mind.” 

“What things?”

“Just drop it.” 

“So it’s Castiel Novak? How come you’ve never even mentioned you knew him? He’s kinda a big deal.” 

“That’s _enough_.” He almost shouted, collecting a few awkward looks from people. Sam kneed him under the table and he looked at him apologetically. He looked over to Cas who was eyeing him cautiously. Lisa refused to speak to him for the rest of the meal, even when Dean apologised and told her he’d explain later. He turned instead to Sam who elbowed him in the ribs and asked him if he was looking forward to doing his speech. He wasn’t. 

“Did I see you talking to Cas?” Sam whispered. 

Dean nodded with a small smile. 

“Please tell me you guys have made up.” 

“Kinda, almost.” Dean admitted quietly, so Lisa wouldn’t hear. He glanced towards Castiel who was speaking to Kevin with laughter in his eyes. “I’m trying, Sam.” 

Sam beamed at him and rubbed his back with his hand. “About fucking time. You were never the same after he left for drama school.” 

Dean huffed. “I guess not.” 

And then the waiters were there again, topping up everyones champagne glasses ready for the speeches. Jess’s father stood first and had everyone welling up with his show of love for his daughter, and Dean found it difficult to hold himself back as he thought about his struggle with his own father’s affections. Castiel caught his eye and mouthed “You ok?” because of course he’d know what hearing this would be doing to him. Dean nodded and smiled back at Cas, a silent thank you to him for caring despite everything. And then it was Sam’s turn to toast his new wife. 

“Jess, from the moment I saw you I knew you were going to be special to me. I just wanted to take you into my arms and hold you because that’s where you were meant to be. Life wouldn’t have been worth living without you by my side.” Dean looked down at the table as he listened to Sam’s words, words that brought images of Castiel into his mind rather than images of the woman next to him. “I couldn’t be prouder of you, you’re such an amazing person, and the fact that I get to call you my wife?” Sam was choking back tears now as well and Dean couldn’t keep his in any longer. He managed to maintain some semblance of control, but they were still falling down his face. “Well that’s just the best feeling in the world. To my wife, Jess!” Everyone stood and drank, and when they sat, Dean remained standing, a hundred expectant gazes on a tear ridden face. 

“Well thanks guys you’ve really shown me up here.” He laughed through the tears as he gestured to Sam and Jess’s father, and everyone laughed with him. A few people blew their noses. Castiel was beaming at him, he noticed. He took out his prepared speech and stared at it for a few seconds before screwing it up and putting it back in his pocket. He’d planned to make an impact with the last line, but after the events of the last 24 hours he wasn’t sure it was the impact he wanted any more. “So..uh.. I’d planned some words but they don’t seem like enough.” He admitted.  “Sammy, Jess, you’re perfect for each other, and I couldn’t be happier, Jess to welcome you to our rather exclusive family.” Jess and Sam smiled at each other before looking back up at Dean. “I know I said a lot of this last night but you’ve really been there when I’ve needed you, you’ve been my sister and my mother when I don’t have either.” Oh shit, where was he going with this? It was sounding dangerously like feelings. “And Sammy, I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with me as your father and your brother, but I really am so proud of who you’ve become and I can’t help but think I’ve done a fantastic job.” The room erupted into teary-eyed laughter as Sam stood up to grab his brother into a hug. “You two have been my best friends.” He said as Sam released him. 

“Hey!” Interrupted Charlie. Dean nodded, chuckling. “You too, Charlie.” 

“The love that you two have is rare, and you’re so very lucky to have each other.” As he uttered those words he realised the hole he’d just dug his way into. He skimmed the room and met Charlie’s gaze and she nodded, urging him to go on with what they’d planned. He dipped his fingers into his pocket and fingered the velvet box inside, trying to pull it out. But he couldn’t, and instead he found himself looking straight at Castiel who was purposefully looking anywhere but at him. Lisa’s eyes were all on him as she smiled upward. He looked quickly down at her, and his words got stuck in his throat. The familiar panic swelled back into his lungs as he struggled to breathe. He looked at Sam who was starting to notice and forced in a breath. “Sam and Jess everyone”. He said, voice strained. 

When he’d taken a drink he stumbled back from the table and left the room as quickly as he could, almost tripping over the door frame as he hurried through it. He kept walking for as long as he could until he let the fear overwhelm him, realising he was outside and crouching down in the grass, shaking. 

“Dean!” came Charlie’s familiar call. She hurried toward him and kneeled down in front of him, letting him tip his weight onto her shoulder. “What happened?” She asked calmly. 

It took Dean a while to gather his thoughts enough to answer. “I couldn’t, Charlie. There was all that talk of love and being perfect for each other and you know as well as I do that that’s not me and Lisa.” 

“Dean, last week you were head over heels with her, what’s changed?” 

Dean lifted his head to look into her eyes. If he couldn’t tell Charlie then who could he tell? “Cas.” He sobbed. “Cas happened. He’s come back and I’m so confused Charlie, I don’t know what to do.” 

“Dean, is that what this is about? He had a childhood crush on you and remembering that has confused you to the point that you’re not even sure you love your girlfriend?” 

He laughed then, bitterly. “Not quite.” 

“So what, you had a crush on him? Things have changed Dean, you’re a different person to the one you were ten years ago.” 

He couldn’t bring himself to correct her knowledge to the full extent of what they’d done. “Yeah I guess..”

“You didn’t even know Lisa, or me, more importantly, ten years ago”. 

“Yeah… yeah you’re right. I’m sorry I just, this is all so much to deal with.” 

“Then don’t do it today, there will be a hundred other opportunities to propose when Castiel Novak isn’t watching, ok?” 

Dean nodded and wiped his eyes. “Jesus I don’t remember the last time I cried so much.” 

“Last night, probably” Charlie quipped and Dean shot her devil eyes. 

“Sorry I’m such a mess.” 

“I’m used to it by now, Dean-o. Let’s get back inside shall we?” 

 

*

 

Castiel was waiting for them nervously in the lobby when they walked back in. He shot a worried glance at Charlie before looking back to Dean with concern. 

“Welcome party, eh?” Dean smiled. 

Cas frowned and tilted his head to the side. Dean had forgotten that he did that, and it made him smile harder. “Are you ok, Dean?” He asked quietly. 

Dean nodded and put an arm around Cas’s shoulder, walking the three of them toward the bar where the majority of the guests now were. As Dean rounded the corner into the bar he met the gaze of his brother, who was eyeing him with a silent question. He smiled as response and let the arm around Castiel fall as he ran into Lisa. She glared at him angrily and he found himself lost for words, but she didn’t hang around, instead wandering off with her arm interlocked with Jess’s older brother’s. He turned to watch her leave and Charlie nudged him with a questioning look, but he shrugged and turned back to the bar and to Castiel. 

By the end of the night, Charlie was entirely drunk and both Dean and Castiel could feel the effects of the double vodkas they’d been shooting alongside their beers, and they’d somehow ended up playing truth or dare with Sam, Jess, Dorothy, and Kevin, who turned out to actually be quite hilarious even though he wasn’t allowed to drink on duty. 

“Truth” Kevin laughed when the bottle they were using span to Charlie. “You’ve been making eyes at Dorothy all night”. The table erupted in laughter then as Charlie turned as red as her hair, but Dorothy didn’t seem to mind and actually seemed to be reciprocating the attention. 

Dean’s turn next, and the bottle span to Castiel. “Truth, you get paid far too much for your movies.” 

Castiel laughed and punched his arm. 

“What kind of money do you get paid, Cas?” Charlie asked tactlessly. Cas blushed when he explained that he was paid over ten million bucks for his last movie alone, and that was just the salary, he made a lot more when you included the interviews and promos he had to do too. When she had turned her attentions elsewhere, Cas rose and gestured to Sam and Jess. Dean eyed them with interest as they walked outside, wondering what they could be discussing without him. With the removal of half the group, the game died down, and Charlie and Dorothy slipped closer to each other on the table, leaving Dean with only Kevin for company. 

“Truth.” Kevin said suddenly. “There is some weird, long, fucked up history between you and Novak.” 

Dean blushed and nodded, wondering how much the guard knew. 

“I don’t know anything.” Kevin added, as if reading his mind. “But he was pretty down last night until you came around. He hardly ever gets like that any more.” 

“You mean he used to?” 

“Yeah, he’s not done it for a while but every now and again he gets really low. I think the guy’s lonely. It’s not as easy as it looks, being famous. Everyone wants to be your friend but no-one really is.” 

“I guess that must be pretty hard.” Dean thought about how he’d been over the last ten years, and wondered how he would have got through it if he hadn’t had his friends and Sam there to prop him up. _If_ he would have got through it. 

Dean thanked Kevin and walked off in search of Castiel. He came across him in the garden with Sam and Jess who were staring at him with their mouths wide open. His first thought was panic, but as he focused, he realised Cas would hardly tell them tonight if he’d kept their secret for all these years. He rushed out to join them before his mind could provide a better explanation. 

“What’s going on?” He asked quickly. 

“I… uhhh…” Cas stuttered, avoiding Dean’s eyes, and Sam handed Dean the cheque that Castiel had given them, the cheque that paid for the entire wedding. “I just wanted to thank you for being there for me.” He stammered, and it cut Dean deeply. While he was happy for the gesture that Sam and Jess had been given, he knew he should have been there for Castiel too. 

“It’s last orders if any of you want drinks.” Kevin called from the door. Dean hadn’t even realised he’d been followed. He shook his head and spun back into reality. Castiel was hugging Sam and Jess and they were thanking him profusely. When they were done, the newlyweds turned and went back inside for one last drink of the night. Cas stood there awkwardly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” He sighed, rubbing his neck with his hands. 

“It’s ok.” Dean said quietly. “I should have been there for you, though. You were my friend, I let you down and I’m sorry.” 

“I should have been there for you too… I feel terrible, knowing that I left when… well. Can we forget about it, Dean?” Cas asked. “Can we please just go back to being friends?” 

“Yeah” Dean nodded, swallowing. Cas tried not to watch his Adam’s apple jump in his throat as he did. 

“I’ve missed you too.” Cas whispered. “I never… last night, I didn’t…” 

“You didn't need to, Cas.” Dean said, stepping closer to him and wrapping his arms around his neck, breathing in the smell of him, the smell of home. 

“Are you sniffing me, Dean?” Cas laughed as he returned the hug. 

“Do you want me to stop?” Dean asked and Cas let the question hang in the air, full of all the sentiments unsaid. 

 

*

 

He reached his room a half hour later, having not been able to find Lisa downstairs and assuming she’d gone back up without him. She was there, sure enough, talking to one of her friends down the phone and in a tone which sounded suspiciously angry. When she turned and saw him, she said goodbye to her friend and stared at him with fury in her expression. 

“Where have you been?” She asked. 

“At my brother’s wedding?” Dean stated the obvious, not in the mood for an argument. 

“You’re such a dick, Dean.” 

“Why? What have I done now?” He asked petulantly, although he was aware he’d hardly been the perfect boyfriend today. 

“Nothing, Dean, but maybe that’s the problem. You didn’t speak to me all night, you were more interested in flirting with Dorothy and buddying back up to Castiel Novak now you know he’s in the money.” Lisa had started shouting already. 

“Hah, Dorothy, do you know how ridiculous you sound? You know she went home with Charlie, right? And don’t you dare talk about Cas like that, I’ve known him a lot longer than anyone and he’s a better person than you know.” 

“Right, cause that’s why I’ve heard so much about him.” 

“Lisa please, I can’t deal with this right now.” He paused. “Look, I’m sorry, I know I’ve not been there much tonight but this has been a weird weekend for me.”

“Dean, I’m going to give you one chance. Either you tell me everything that happened between you and Castiel Novak or you get the hell out of this room.” 

And that’s how he ended up, for the second night in a row, in the dangerous territory of knocking at Cas’s door late at night. Kevin answered quickly after he knocked, and gave him a funny look, but stepped to the side to let him in. 

“Novak? Visitor.” He called, disappearing back into the kitchen. 

Cas stepped out of his bedroom wearing only sweatpants and rubbing his eyes. His face brightened slightly at the sight of Dean, who was rather distracted by his six pack. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked. 

“I… sorry… I was hoping maybe I could stay here tonight. Charlie’s uh… pulled… and Lisa kicked me out. I’ll uhm, I’ll only take up a couch.” 

Cas tilted his head to the side. “Of course you can stay, but you don't have to sleep on the couch. The bed is massive.” 

Dean raised his eyebrow but Cas just shrugged. “If you want. It’s memory foam.” 

“You had me at memory foam.” Dean said, laughing, and followed his friend into the bedroom. 

Dean struggled to sleep knowing that Cas was so close, but after a while he heard Cas’s breathing settle into a rhythm and the slight snores that meant his friend had succumbed. They didn’t get much sleep last night, he supposed. Dean rolled a little closer to him, watching his chest rise and fall, and tried to ignore the stirring in his groin. So what the hell was this then? He still wanted Cas, after all these years. Did that make him gay? It certainly made him something. He resisted the urge to run his hand through Cas’s hair and down his chest, to touch him like he had once. He felt himself hard through his boxers and briefly debated jerking one out quickly in the bathroom. 

“Dean?” Cas whispered suddenly, interrupting his thoughts. “Quit watching me sleep, it’s creepy.” 

Dean laughed and lay back on his pillow, arms folded until Castiel threw an arm over his chest. Dean grunted and tried to get comfortable, Cas lifting his neck so Dean could thread his arm around him, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder. 

“Your heart is beating really fast.” Cas commented. 

Dean nodded and sucked in a few deep breaths, trying to get himself under control. His dick was aching with need now, and the urge to put some pressure on it, to relieve it in some way was growing. 

“What is it?” Cas asked curiously, leaning up and switching a light on. Dean felt his cheeks go bright red as he looked down and saw his hard-on tenting the sheets. He rolled onto his side in the hope that Cas wouldn’t notice. 

“Why are you acting weird?” 

“I’m not. I’m just hot.” Dean said. Well, it wasn’t a total lie. 

Cas eyed him suspiciously and lay the back of his hand on Dean’s forehead. “You are kind of red.” 

“Can we just go to sleep, please?” 

“Yeah…” Cas whispered, turning the light back off. He rolled toward Dean and pressed their bodies closer together, tensing when he found the reason for Dean’s embarrassment. 

“Cas.” Dean said, a quiet warning. 

Cas looked into his eyes, still adjusting to the darkness, and took in a long, deep breath. Something in Dean snapped and he leaned in, pressing his lips firmly against Cas’s. Cas kissed him fiercely back for a few seconds, until he came to his senses. 

“Dean stop, you have a girlfriend, remember?” 

Dean pulled away and turned his head to face the ceiling, breathing deeply. Cas ran a hand through Dean’s hair. “Get some sleep” he muttered. 

“Sorry.” Dean whispered into the darkness several minutes later. 

“It’s not me you ought to apologise to, Dean, but don’t do that again, you’re a flight risk.” 

Dean chuckled at that and wrapped an arm back over Cas’s body, closing his eyes. 

 

*

 

When they awoke the following morning Dean was on his side with Cas’s warm body pressed against his back, hand settled gently on his stomach. For the second time that weekend Kevin was the reason they were awake, this time his own alarm playing through the penthouse. 

“Check out is in 30, Novak.” They heard him call. 

Dean rolled onto his back and looked Cas in the eye. Cas looked, and felt, like shit, and no sooner had he lifted his head was he running to the bathroom and spilling his stomach contents into the toilet bowl. Dean laughed from the door frame, but he didn’t feel much better himself. Memories of several double vodka shots were coming back to him slowly. As were other, more troubling memories. 

Cas rinsed his mouth under the faucet to remove the taste of vomit, watching Dean’s bothered expression in the corner of his eye. “Are you ok Dean?” He asked carefully. 

“Yeah, just got a headache.” 

“And?” 

Dean looked up at Cas, still surprised at his ability to see straight through him. “And I’m sorry about last night.” Cas rolled his eyes and walked towards him, still only wearing sweatpants and still smelling faintly of his own vomit. 

“It’s fine, honestly. It’s weird for me too… seeing you after all this time? And after the way we left things… whether it was what we really wanted or not, it was all left unresolved. I’m not gunna tell anyone.” Dean smiled, a hint of embarrassment still written on his cheeks. Cas grinned. “Plus, I remember how horny you used to get when you were drunk.” 

“Thanks… for not being weird about it.” Dean laughed and pulled his friend into a hug. “You still smell like puke.” He told him. 

Cas kicked him out of the bathroom so he could shower, and a few minutes later he emerged smelling and looking a lot fresher. Dean had changed back into last night’s shirt and trousers, feeling nauseous at the scent of alcohol that lingered there. 

“So are you going straight back to LA after this?” Dean asked quietly, trying to sound indifferent. 

Cas nodded. “Yeah, I’m in the middle of shooting something. I’m starting something else soon though… it’s kinda secret… but you’ll definitely like it.” 

“Will I? God Cas, please tell me it’s the new Star Wars and invite me to the premiere with you?” 

Cas said nothing, but the shade of pink he turned made Dean’s jaw drop. “Well fuck.” He said with a huge grin. 

“I haven’t said anything at all.” Cas reminded him with a wink. They headed toward the door, Kevin following behind them. “Dean.” Cas said suddenly. “Can I have your number?” 

“Only if you tell me it’s Star Wars.” Dean grinned, taking out his phone to exchange numbers with Castiel. 

They headed down to breakfast and Dean saw Lisa sitting alone and scowling. He exchanged a quick look with Castiel before going over to join her. 

“You stayed with him, huh?” 

Dean shrugged. “Charlie was with Dorothy, Sam was obviously with Jess… I dunno Lis he seemed like the next best option.” 

Lisa said nothing, just turned the spoon in her coffee with a frown on her face. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Dean said quietly. “It’s just. Castiel and I, we were really close back in school. We were best friends basically since kindergarten. And then right before he was going to leave for drama school we had this huge fight and I never quite forgave myself for it, and I’ve spent most of my adult life wishing he was still around but he wasn’t, and I could never forget him either what with his face being all over the TV.”

“What did you fight about?” She asked, leaning in, now interested. 

“I can’t… I can’t tell you that.” He muttered. Lisa sat upright again, annoyed. “I haven’t told anyone that. Not even Sam knows. It’s not… it’s between Cas and me.” 

“So why are you only telling me this because you had to? Why didn’t you tell me years ago?” 

“Lisa I’ve not exactly been thrilled about it. But look, I think I’ve made it up to him and I think things can get back to normal.” 

Lisa pursed her lips and looked at him through narrowed eyes. “And there’s nothing weird going on?” She asked suspiciously. Jesus, was he that easy to read? 

“No.” He lied. 

 


	5. Loneliness

 

Castiel grimaced as he put his phone down, once again, on the couch next to him. He sighed, pulling his knees up close to his chest. _Why_ was he being such a coward? He glanced down at the open, empty conversation screen lit up on his cell’s display, Dean’s name taunting him from the bar at the top. He’d had a long couple of weeks at work, and although he’d tried several times a day, he was unable to come up with a way to start a conversation with his old friend. He scratched his head, dropping his feet back onto the floor and grabbing the phone again. 

As he began to type, he watched the three little dots playing on the screen that told him Dean was typing too. Dean always seemed to be typing, yet no words had yet made their way to him. He supposed that was how it looked to Dean too, when he kept deleting everything he was debating saying. _Why_ was he overthinking this so much? He didn’t want it to get awkward. He hoped it wasn’t already awkward. 

What was it about his old friend that made him crazy? Cas thought about how he’d acted at Sam and Jess’s wedding, how naturally and quickly he’d sunk back in to his old, or perhaps true, personality. The little gestures had flown from him without permission; the slight head tilts when he was suspicious, the coy smile at Dean’s jokes. Even his laugh had come easily, artlessly. Dean just brought it out in him, but he’d have to work on that if he wanted him to be a part of his life. It wasn’t who he was now, he was Castiel Novak, A-List movie star, he had to be more than just Cas. He had always told himself his success had changed him for the better, but deep down, it hadn’t. He would always be a mess when it came to Dean Winchester. 

Cas took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck, taking his gaze away from the words he still didn’t have the courage to send and stared up at the ceiling in his living room. He exhaled slowly, wishing he had company. The weekend before last had been a rare treat for him, but it just made his loneliness hurt more. He wondered what his life would have been like if he’d known about Dean’s situation. If he could have done something. Maybe they’d be together even now. Cas’s heart fluttered in his chest at the thought, and his stomach dropped painfully with the temptation. He thought back to the moment Dean had kissed him, and wondered how (and why) he’d stopped him. Wondered how he didn’t tear the rest of his clothes off and take him again. 

 _It was probably for the best_. He thought to himself. He was much too busy for a real relationship, and he had a guy he could call when he was horny. The more he thought about Dean, the more tempted he was to call the other number. He palmed his hard on through his jeans and reached for his phone once more, scrolling through his contacts. 

 

*

 

The next morning, when Castiel was home and had caught up on his missed sleep, the loneliness slowly returned. He ate breakfast alone, exemplary waffles made by one of the staff that he employed to work in his kitchen. He showered, alone, dressed, alone, watched TV, alone. It had got old years ago. Cas took his cell phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen, no notifications, not even his manager needed him this weekend. She was a royal pain in the ass but at least she was a distraction. He wondered what she’d have to say if she knew where his mind was wandering. He looked at Dean’s number for a long moment, before swallowing his pride and his anxiety, and hitting dial. 

“Hey.” Dean answered after a few rings. He sounded flustered, there was a lot of background noise. “Are you ok?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine… is this a bad time?” Cas furrowed his brow. 

“Uh… _it’s just Charlie_ …” Dean was muttering to someone with him. “Can I call you back later?” 

“Yeah, sure… talk later then.” Cas sighed, and Dean paused as if feeling guilty, but hung up all the same. 

The rest of the day dragged, frustratingly slowly. He tried to work out, he tried to watch a movie, but neither worked. He tried shopping online, and ended up ordering clothes he really didn’t need. Cas tried desperately to occupy his mind, to redirect his thoughts, but they kept bringing him back to Dean, to Lisa, to what they were probably doing. His mind enjoyed providing explanations for why Dean was so flustered. He really shouldn’t be feeling so jealous. He was over this, wasn’t he? It had been ten years, and yet, all it takes is an apology and a kiss and he’s head over heels again? No, it couldn’t be. He was just stirring around with old emotions. He should be grateful for all the wonderful things he did have in his life, even if he couldn’t come up with anything meaningful right now. 

And yet, when his cell began to vibrate and the display lit up with his name, Cas felt his heart skip.

“Hey.” He breathed, answering quickly. 

“Were you sitting on your phone? Jesus that was quick.” Dean laughed at the other end. Cas’s awkward silence was the only answer he needed. “I’m sorry about earlier, Lisa was over and we were kinda in the middle of a fight.” 

“Oh.” Cas shouldn’t be feeling so relieved. He rubbed his face with his hand. “Are you ok?” 

“Yeah, we’re fine, it was dumb.” Dean smiled as he spoke. “Anyway, what did you call for?” 

“Uh…” Cas began clumsily. “Nothing really… I just, uh, I just…” _Pull yourself together._ “I wanted to talk but texting sucks. I dunno I was just kinda bored I guess.” 

“Bored?” Dean asked incredulously. “You live in Hollywood and you’re bored?” 

“Beverly Hills, actually.” Cas smirked. 

“Alright, whatever.” Dean joked.

“Yeah, I’m bored. I just thought it might be nice to catch up a bit, there’s still ten years of your life you have to fill me in on, and we didn’t get a chance at the wedding to properly speak about that stuff.” 

“I’m kidding, Cas.” Dean assured him. He lay down on his bed, looking up at his ceiling with the phone to his ear. He could hear Cas shuffling on the other end, presumably getting comfortable too. “What do you want to know?” 

“I don’t know now I’m on the spot.” Castiel laughed. “What are you doing for work?” 

“I run Bobby’s now.” Dean informed him. “I got a job there after you left and then when he died I took over.” 

They chatted for over an hour, talking and laughing and regretting. Cas found his heart swelling, but it felt constricted at the same time, every time he let himself smile at something there was a painful throb where he remembered all their lost moments and the reality of their situation. Dean lost himself in the conversation, becoming more and more confused with every moment. 

“Are you lonely, Cas?” Dean asked suddenly. 

Castiel was taken aback. “I… what makes you say that?” 

“Kevin.” Dean said quietly. “At the wedding, he said you seem lonely.” 

“Huh.” Cas muttered, nonchalant. He sighed. “I guess I am, a bit.” He admitted. “It seems ridiculous, I know, ‘cause I’ve got everything I wanted…” He let the statement hang in the air, and they both knew he was lying, he didn’t have _everything_ he wanted. 

“Have you got any spare time coming up?” Dean asked. 

“Spare time? Rarely” Cas laughed. “I mean, I can make time. I’ve got half a weekend free at the end of the month, maybe I could rearrange…?” 

“You could come and visit if you wanted?” Dean tried. 

“I’d like that.” Cas smiled. “But… I’m not sure my manager would let me, plus I’d have to bring security and it might attract attention, I’m not sure it would work.” He said sadly. “I mean, you’re welcome to come here, it would be great to see you.” 

Dean took a deep breath. “How long would it take to drive?” 

Castiel laughed. “You can’t drive, it’d take… like 24 hours. You still don’t like flying, then?” 

“I hate flying.” Dean groaned. 

“Come on Dean, for me?” Cas pleaded. “Speak to Jess, see if she can help.” 

“Alright, fine.” Dean moaned, unsure why he was agreeing. He _really_ hated flying, but apparently he wanted to see Castiel even more. 

“Can’t wait.” Cas grinned, spirits lifted.


	6. Los Angeles

It’d been five weeks since he’d said goodbye to Castiel outside the hotel as he had climbed into a limousine (of course). But Dean had managed to think about the guy every single one of the 35 days that had followed. He’d struggled to stop thinking about him.

And that was just one of the reasons why Dean found himself shaking as he carefully walked down the steps from the airplane Castiel had arranged to pick him up. He shook his head trying to wake up, Jess had had to give him a mild sedative to get him to board the plane. He met the grin of his old friend looking up at him as he leaned back against a silver Bentley, the LA evening sunshine reflecting off of his aviator sunglasses and illuminating his black leather jacket. Cas looked good. Dean swallowed, running his hands down his checked flannel shirt to try and straighten out the creases.

“Hello Dean.” Cas stepped forward to hug him.   
  
“Hey, Cas.” Dean smiled, taking a deep breath. “I hate flying.” He muttered. 

Castiel laughed and gestured toward the Bentley. Dean raised his eyebrows at the sight of the expensive car and Cas shrugged with a grin before slipping into the backseat. Dean joined him, impressed. 

“A Bentley?” Dean asked in wonder. 

“Dean, I’m a movie star.” Cas teased, grinning. 

Through the short journey back to the house, Castiel intently listened as Dean relayed stories of Sam and Jess’s honeymoon in Hawaii, of Charlie’s recent escapades, and of his own thoughts on the subjects. 

Less than twenty minutes passed before they reached Beverly Hills and were riding up a grand private driveway, stopping outside Castiel’s extravagant house. Dean’s mouth fell open as he looked at everything his friend had achieved since they last knew each other. The huge house was built midway up a hill in a modern style, with floor length glass windows making up a large percentage of the outer walls, which otherwise were painted pristinely white. To the right side of the house large glass doors led out to a patio area and grand infinity pool, adorned by palm trees and a hot tub. The left side gave way to a finely trimmed, deep green lawn that rolled around to a flower border alongside the driveway. 

When Dean came to his senses he looked at Cas, whose cheeks gave away his slight blush. 

“Seriously?” Dean grinned. Cas just shrugged and together they walked inside. 

The house inside was made to the same style, everything new and modern. It comprised of 5 bedrooms, all with en-suites, and 2 separate bathrooms complete with indoor jacuzzis and walk in showers. There was a bar, a gym, a games room with pool and ping pong tables, and, of course, an in house cinema. As Castiel showed him around Dean became acutely aware of exactly who his friend was and what he was worth, and his words started to stick in his throat.  

“Uhm… wow?” He uttered, as Cas led him back to the living area and they looked out across the Los Angeles skyline, where lights were beginning to flicker on, shining across a darkening blue. Cas eyed Dean carefully as he tried to think of something to say. Dean swallowed and lifted his gaze to meet Castiel’s. “I live in a one bedroom apartment.” He chuckled, nervousness lining his tone. 

“You’re not gunna get all weird on me are you?” Cas asked quietly, reaching his hand out to squeeze Dean’s arm.

Dean looked back out to the view before him, revelling in Castiel’s touch. “No, sorry… It’s just a lot to take in.”

“It’s just me, Dean.”

“Yeah, I know.” He nodded, then smiled widely. “But you’re a bit more important than you used to be.” Cas elbowed him lightly in the ribs for that, and as Dean laughed with him he saw the flash of relief in his friend’s eyes, and glimpsed the sadness that it had covered up.  

“I am still me.” Cas insisted, and Dean furrowed his brow, confused. Cas sighed. “I’ve got something I want to show you.” 

Castiel took Dean’s hand in his own and led him back through the house, down some stairs into a large garage area where a dozen or more rather expensive cars were stored. Dean looked around, marvelling at the cars and trying to work out an estimate cost of the garage’s contents. His gaze landed in the corner where something was covered over with a white sheet. Cas led him straight to it and looked him in the eye as he pulled back the sheet, revealing a black, 1967 Chevrolet Impala underneath.

“It’s the exact one.” Castiel whispered into a tense silence. “And it’s yours, if you want it.”

Dean’s jaw had dropped again and he felt tears in his eyes as he touched his hands to the car, circling around it and staring at it with love. He knew Castiel wasn’t lying, it was the same car, with the same small scratch under the handle that had always frustrated him. This had been his father’s car, long ago, and while Dean had no strong feelings for the man, the car had been his refuge on so many occasions, it was more of a home to him than the house he’d grown up in, and felt unsafe in so many times. The tears spilled over as he looked up at Cas in wonder, and he hastily wiped them away with his shirt sleeve. 

“I don’t know what to say.” He admitted. 

“You don’t have to say anything.” 

“How long have you had it?” Dean wondered aloud, noting the dust that had shaken off of the cover as it was pulled away. 

Cas looked a little embarrassed and shuffled on his feet. “Five years.” 

“After all that time, you still cared?” Dean looked up at his friend, both amazed and ashamed, and fighting a weird urge to hold him. 

“Always.” 

 

*

 

After the tour, Dean had followed Castiel up to his bedroom on the note that he simply _had_ to try out his mattress. Dean had always had a soft spot for a good memory foam, and Castiel enjoyed winding him up on the matter. A string of unholy words flowed from Dean’s mouth as he sunk into Castiel’s bed, and Cas grinned, more than a little aroused at the noises as he joined him, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. 

“This is literally heaven.” Dean sighed, closing his eyes for a long moment. When he opened them, Cas was looking at him, a large smile on his lips. Dean found his own mouth contorting automatically, smiling back with ease. “How do I go about buying one of these mattresses?” 

Cas elbowed him gently. “You have to get famous first.” He teased. 

“Or bribe a famous friend?” Dean smirked. He found himself wanting to pull Castiel into a hug, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, but somehow he thought he shouldn’t. 

Castiel turned to face him, relief and confusion swelling in his gut at the genuine smile on Dean’s face. “How are things?” He asked casually. 

“Alright, I guess.” Dean furrowed his brow. 

“How’s Lisa?” 

“She’s fine. We’re fine.” Dean looked away, and Castiel was left unconvinced. He definitely shouldn’t be happy about that. 

“You’ve stopped fighting?” 

“No.” Dean admitted. He sighed and ran his hands over his head. “I don’t know, I guess things are pretty weird. It’s not your fault but… she’s pretty pissed that I’m here.” 

“Why?” 

“So many reasons.” 

“Such as?” 

“You don’t want to drop this, do you?” Dean rolled his eyes. He wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t keen on the conversation either. Castiel said nothing, so he continued. “She’s still pissed because she didn’t know anything about you, and I won’t tell her why we fell out.” Dean turned onto his side and Cas mirrored him, so that they were facing each other. 

“Dean… if it’s making your life harder, you can tell her.” Castiel whispered, although he really didn’t want him to. 

“No.” Dean sighed. “I don’t want her to know. It’s not something… I don’t know, it’s still…” He trailed off. “She’d tell someone else anyway, she can’t keep her mouth shut when it comes to stuff like that.” 

Changing the subject, Dean sighed again. “Are we good? Like, honestly good?” 

Cas tilted his head to the side in confusion and nodded. 

“Good.” Dean whispered, staring up at the ceiling. “You can’t know how many times I thought about trying to call you and make things right. Especially when he died. But I was too much of a coward.” 

Cas smiled sadly, and lifted his hand to Dean’s cheek, brushing a dark blonde hair away. He traced his fingers to the back of Dean’s neck, and down onto his back, where he pulled him a little closer, into a hug. He smiled in relief as Dean’s arm found its way over him and stroked small circles into his lower back. He hummed happily. 

“I can’t get over how great this mattress is.” Dean whispered some time later.

Castiel flicked his eyes open at the sound. “I think I might have been asleep.” He admitted. 

Dean grinned. “Alright, well, I’ll see you in the morning.” He pulled himself away from Cas, instantly missing his warmth as he climbed out of the bed. 

“Goodnight.” Cas called, and Dean smiled as he shut the door behind him. 

 

*

 

Dean didn’t think he’d ever slept so well. He was desperately in love with his own memory foam mattress, but apparently they make them all better, and definitely bigger when you’re famous. He rolled out of bed with a sigh that turned into a moan when he sniffed the faint scent of coffee in the air. He used the bathroom, then pulled his sweatpants out of his duffel bag and dragged them up his legs, donning an old band t-shirt before stepping out of his room. He might have got lost had it not been for the smell of breakfast wafting its way up from the kitchen, the house was so vast.   
  
When he reached the living room, Castiel was already sat lounging on a couch, nursing a strong black coffee and looking particularly adorable with his hair all messed up and sleep still written through his eyes. He grinned up at Dean when he noticed him, and gestured for him to sit next to him on the couch, while a pretty uniformed woman in the kitchen brought him over a tray of coffee, milk and pastries. Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas who rolled his eyes and wriggled back into the couch, lifting his legs onto a footstool and looking exceptionally relaxed. Dean moaned with every bite of every pastry, earning some suggestive looks from the cook and a lot of embarrassment from Cas, who was trying incredibly hard not to laugh out loud. 

“What do you want to do today?” Cas asked when his giggling had subsided and Dean was sated. They had already made plans to try out the Hollywood nightlife, but hadn’t discussed the daytime. 

Dean shrugged, having no idea what was on offer. 

“We could go sightseeing?” Castiel suggested. “But it can get kinda embarrassing. It’s hard to go anywhere without being recognised.” 

Dean shook his head. “To be honest Cas, I’d be happy just chilling here, it seems like there’s more than enough we could do.”   
  
Cas’s eyes lit up and he grinned at Dean gratefully. “Star Wars marathon?” 

“You read my mind.” 

It was hard not to be distracted, even by a movie Dean loved so much as Star Wars, when Castiel was sitting so close. Dean could feel his heart pounding at the proximity, could feel Cas’s eyes frequently glancing at him, could sense Castiel’s own anxious anticipation. He wanted to hold his hand, wanted to cuddle into him, wrap his arm around him. Being back together felt right, but sitting like this, separated, it felt wrong. Years ago, before anything had happened between them, it had never felt awkward, and their close friendship had come naturally. Since that night, since they’d slept together, it seemed their relationship had been permanently altered. Dean couldn’t quite explain it, although he knew what he was feeling. He knew he was still attracted to Castiel, knew he still wanted him. He knew being here was a bad idea. 

 

*

 

Later that evening the two men climbed out of a Mercedes and took to the streets of Hollywood, already more than a little bit drunk after helping themselves to a few beers. Cas snaked his arm around Dean’s shoulder as he laughed at something Dean had said, and they strolled casually into a nearby bar. 

Cas ignored the people whispering his name, he was used to it, and it was easy enough to blank out with the music blaring as loud as it was, but Dean turned his head every time his friend’s name was uttered, as if he was surprised, and watched in wonder as a group of girls asked Cas if he’d be in their selfie. He obliged them, and took a few seconds to pose as they surrounded him. They thanked him as they left, grinning and laughing. Dean had to swallow back a sense of dread, like he didn’t belong here and he’d stumbled in accidentally. Cas apologised coyly to Dean when they’d gone, and led him to the back of the place and into a VIP lounge, the bouncers standing quickly aside upon recognising who he was with. 

He felt confused and uncomfortable being here. Cas was so different now, and this was all so crazy. People wanted to know him, to be near him, to talk to him. Dean wanted to be near to him too. He could feel himself wanting more and more to be near to him with every moment they spent together. Every time Cas looked at him in that endearing way of his, every time he smiled, Dean wanted to touch him, to reach out and hug him, to take more. He was having a hard time fighting the strange emotions back. Every time Cas touched him, his arm, his face, his hand, Dean felt weird, but it felt right, and he didn’t want him to stop. 

He walked back toward their table after using the bathroom and, in a very Cas-like manner, tilted his head as he realised Castiel was no longer alone, instead sat close to a young woman Dean neither knew nor recognised, but one who was exceptionally pretty with long blonde hair and an hourglass figure shown off in a royal blue, plunged neckline dress. 

They’d had more than another ten more beers between them, and Dean was seeing stars. The more they drank, the more Cas had transformed into Hollywood’s Castiel, his confidence leaking into the air around him and his cocky, sarcastic humour starting to get on Dean’s nerves. His Star Wars loving friend was still in there, but buried underneath the movie star persona he was meant to have.

Dean stopped just short of the table as he caught wind of what Cas was saying. 

“I’d give you more than my autograph, but I’m here with a friend.” He said confidently, and the girl giggled, cheeks pink and eyes lust-blown. And then Cas leaned forward, took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, licking into her mouth as her hands gripped his upper thighs. Dean felt his heart stop and a sword of anger and jealousy pierced through his chest as he stormed up to the table. 

“Cas, a word?” He almost yelled, hands balled into fists and shaking slightly with rage. Cas raised his eyebrows at the girl as he abruptly ended their kiss, and stood, following Dean as he was led to the bathroom. Dean stopped and turned to face his friend, but upon realising they weren’t alone put his hands on Cas’s chest and shoved him back into one of the toilet cubicles, which were more aptly described as separate bathrooms. He shut the door behind himself and looked at Cas, who was wearing a bemused, confident expression. Castiel, in all honesty, was a little turned on by the anger and the blatant display of jealousy.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Dean whispered angrily. Cas looked back at him blankly, pretending he didn’t know what Dean was talking about. “Cas, you don’t even like girls!” 

“Yeah, I noticed, but I’ve got an image to uphold.” Cas shrugged as if that was explanation enough. 

“An image? Who cares about your image?” 

“Who doesn’t, Dean? I don’t expect you to understand but there’s a lot of pressure on me to act normal.” Cas replied, exasperated. 

“And being gay isn’t normal?” 

“You know that wasn’t what I meant.” 

“Wasn’t it?” Dean countered angrily. “I don’t understand why you pretend to be someone you’re not. Everyone you’ve talked to tonight… none of this is you, Cas, you said you were still you. Why can’t you just admit who you are?” 

“Probably for the same reasons that you haven’t admitted who you are.” Cas spat bitterly. Dean took a step back after that retort, and Cas shook his head, muttering an apology. 

Dean furrowed his brow in thought, and squared back up to Cas, closing the distance between them. “No, you’re right.” He said quietly, eyes locked on Castiel’s. “This is who we are.” He darted his eyes to Cas’s lips, his cock hardening in his pants as Cas licked them slowly. He couldn’t take any more, and leant forward, pressing a gentle kiss onto Cas’s mouth, moaning a little as Cas slowly responded, wrapping his arms around Dean’s lower back and pulling their hips together, erections just brushing beneath their jeans. Cas deepened the kiss and Dean groaned at the loss of control, tongues exploring each other’s mouths. Dean rocked his hips into Cas’s and he gasped, breaking their contact. Dean slid his lips to trail a line of kisses along his jaw and past his ear, down onto his neck where he sucked and nibbled a light hickey into Castiel’s soft skin. 

Cas groaned. “Dean, I’ve gotta stop you…” He muttered.

“You can try.” Dean replied and Cas growled, hands rising to course through Dean’s short hair as Dean kissed his way down Cas’s chest, unbuttoning his shirt as he dropped to his knees. Cas leaned back against the bathroom wall, legs trembling as his jeans were undone, although Dean fumbled with the buttons for a while, and his boxers slid down his legs, cock stroked by the cool air. 

A string of curses escaped Cas’s mouth as Dean’s tongue licked at his wet slit, as his lips kissed his head and slid down his length, tightening as they dragged back up and Dean’s fingers softly stroked his balls. Dean picked up a quick rhythm and Cas failed to resist the urge to fuck into Dean’s face.  

After a few minutes, when he looked down to see Dean palming his own cock through his jeans he felt the first wave of his orgasm nearing, and he let go, exploding down Dean’s throat when Dean looked up to meet his gaze. Dean sucked him through every aftershock and swallowed down his come, rising back to his feet, pulling Cas’s jeans and boxers up with him. Cas reached his hand down to Dean’s groin where his cock was still achingly hard. He slipped Dean’s jeans down just enough to let his cock bob out and grabbed it with an expert hand, pumping swiftly until Dean was reaching his own precipice, turning to the side, head lolled on Cas’s shoulder with just enough time before he came over the wall and Cas’s hand. Cas wiped him off with some toilet tissue and tucked him back inside his jeans. Dean turned and draped his arms around Cas’s sides, kissing his cheek softly. 

 

*

 

The next morning Dean awoke in a tangle of limbs, with Cas’s leg between his and his arms around his stomach. He realised they were both naked shortly before he realised why he’d woken. His cell phone was ringing. He reached over to grab it from the bedside table, and answered it with a throaty voice. 

“Hello?” He asked roughly. “Hey Lis.” 

Dean was silent for a few moments while a woman’s voice ranted angrily down the phone, asking why he hadn’t called, what he had been doing and who had he been with. “Just Cas, we went out.” Dean sighed, frustrated. “Look we’ll talk when I get home, I’m too hungover right now.” He hung up. Dean rolled onto his back and turned his head to look at Cas who was eyeing him nervously. He wanted to smile at the sight of his gorgeous friend naked in bed with him, but he’d already started to recall the things they’d said and done the night before, and he felt a wave of guilt as he realised his betrayal to Lisa. 

“Fuck.” He muttered, pulling back the sheets and climbing out of the bed. 

“Dean! For fuck’s sake… don’t run away again.” Cas complained, hurrying to sit up. 

“I’m not running away.” Dean stated. “I wouldn’t… not again. I just need a piss.” 

Cas breathed a sigh of relief and scrambled to pull some boxers and sweatpants on while Dean was in the bathroom. When he emerged still naked, Cas threw some spare boxers at him and closed his eyes while Dean slipped them on. Dean sat on top of the bed, leaning back against the headboard. 

“We’re gunna have to talk about this, aren’t we?” He asked quietly. 

Cas nodded, running his hands over his face and through his hair. “I’m not ready for anyone to know.” Cas admitted. 

“Me either.” Dean whispered. He glanced down at Cas who was eyeing him with concern. Dean groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know what’s going on with me.” 

Castiel sighed. “Talk to me.” 

“Does this mean I’m gay, Cas? ‘Cause I’ve been living my whole life thinking I’m straight but…” 

“Well not gay, but, Dean you’ve never been straight.” Cas stated, reaching out and taking Dean’s hand in his own. “You didn’t realise you weren’t straight after I fucked you the first time?” 

“That should probably have been my first clue.” Dean snorted. “I don’t know, I’ve just always thought I was experimenting.” 

“People don’t tend to experiment by asking their friends to fuck them. But it’s not a big deal.” Cas assured him, feeling a little hopeful.

“Coming from the guy who’s been in the closet for ten years or more.”  Dean muttered. Cas raised his eyebrows and Dean suddenly felt guilty. “I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault.” 

“It’s ok.” Cas whispered, squeezing Dean’s hand. “I can’t tell you what you are, or what you’re doing. You need to figure that out for yourself.” 

“I know. I’m sorry for using you in all this.” Dean sighed, trying to protect himself.

“It’s alright.” Cas said quietly, feeling his heart throb a little at the way Dean had dismissed him as just being useful. 

“I won’t tell anyone.” Dean announced. “But you can’t either.” 

“And your girlfriend?” 

“I guess I have to decide.” Dean sighed.


	7. An Unexpected Arrival

One evening two months later, Charlie had come round for a movie marathon. Lisa was out with friends, drinking at a bar somewhere. She’d not bothered to invite Dean, and he’d not bothered to ask to come. To say their relationship was on the rocks was an understatement. After what had happened in Los Angeles, he’d intended to break it off with her, but he was being a coward, and was struggling to find the words. He knew he should tell her what had happened with Castiel, that it was the right thing to do, but he also knew Lisa, knew that should she find out, suddenly the whole world would know, that she would sell the story to the highest bidder. He felt it would be a betrayal of Castiel’s trust, and yet he needed an out. They couldn’t keep fighting like they were.  

Outside, the October rain pounded heavily, and although the heating in the apartment was on full blast, it hadn’t been on for long enough to have got rid of the chill. For the time of year, it was particularly cold. Charlie was snuggled into the couch with an afghan across her lap, donned in a thick wool jumper, bowl of popcorn to hand. Just as Dean slipped in the disk for Star Wars, Episode IV, he smiled, thinking of his friend’s hints about the next movie. 

“Penny for your thoughts, Winchester?” Charlie asked, catching his smile.

“Mmm? Nothing.” Dean muttered, climbing back onto the couch next to her with a slightly pink tinge to his cheeks. Aside from everything else, he was enjoying keeping Castiel’s Star Wars secret from Charlie. He knew she’d go crazy when she found out he’d known for months.

“You’re thinking about Castiel again, aren’t you?” Charlie said quietly. 

Dean turned to her in wonder. She had always been able to read him like a book. She shrugged.

“You’ve been kinda different since Sam and Jess’s wedding. It’s not a bad different, you seemed happier.” 

“I just… it’s a weight off my mind I guess. Wait, what do you mean _seemed_ happier?” 

Charlie turned and looked at him knowingly, her red hair catching the light as it swung under her shoulders. “After LA you got weird again. Dean, I’m not stupid. Something’s changed with you, and I’d have a good guess what.” 

Dean really didn’t want to know what Charlie’s guess would be, he had a suspicion she’d be right. She had an innate talent for reading people. He looked her in the eye for several moments, nerves building, and suddenly, her pointed look softened into a smile. 

“Why haven’t you ever told anyone you love him?” She asked. 

Dean laughed tensely in response, but his heart began to pound uncomfortably and his breath caught a little. “I’m not in love with him, Charlie.”

“Aren’t you?” She accused. “Then what, Dean? Why is it that you've had regular panic attacks for years and now he’s back in your life you haven’t had one since? Why is it that you smile every time you think of him or hear from him?” 

And shit, she was hitting close to home with that one. Was she right? He wasn’t sure how long he could keep denying it. To himself or to her.

“Dean, as your only lesbian friend I want you to know that I couldn’t care less that he’s a guy as long as he makes you happy, and I doubt anyone who loves you would care either, but you’ve gotta come to terms with this and the sooner that you do the less terrible the fallout is gunna be.” 

“I’m not in love with Cas, Charlie.” Dean repeated, trying to make it true. 

“No? Then why didn’t you propose to Lisa like you’d planned? Why have you two been apart more than together for the last few months? I mean Jesus, Dean, all you two do at the moment is fight. And why did you have to run out of the room after your speech about love? Maybe you weren’t thinking about her?”

“Enough, Charlie. Please.”  Dean rubbed at his temples, struggling to squeeze the oxygen into his tight lungs. 

“Dean, what happened ten years ago?” 

“Charlie…” 

“What happened?” Her persistence was really annoying. He shook his head. “Did you fuck him?” She asked, and Dean turned his face to look at her with panic in his eyes. He could feel the familiar bubble starting to creep into his chest but he managed to gasp in a breath and shook his head again, trying to deny it. “So he fucked you? Strange, I always assumed he’d be a bottom. I guess at least some of that confidence he displays is real.” Charlie smirked, giving him an ‘I told you so’ look. Dean took a few deep breaths and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Charlie please… no one knows about this, only Cas. And I don’t know how I feel.” 

“I won’t tell.” She promised. “But I don’t believe you, you know deep down as well as I do you’re in love with him. You’ve got to tell him how you feel. And end things with Lisa if that’s how this is gunna go down.” 

“It’s not… Charlie, it wouldn’t be that easy. He’s not that kid that lived over the street any more, he has a freaking walk of fame star, plus he’s totally weird when he’s in LA. Even if we wanted to… it’s not that simple. Things are better off the way they are.” 

“Like hell they are Dean. You need to try at least. I won’t see you stuck in a loveless relationship for the rest of your life, not while you’re pining after him, it’s not fair on you but it’s definitely not fair on her. I know you say you love Lisa and maybe you do but it’s not in the same way you love Cas. I’ve seen how you act around him and you’re a better person when he’s there.” 

“Right, and you got all of this from that one weekend?” 

“I’m just that good Dean.” 

Dean rolled his eyes and scratched his head, half pleased to be finally talking about this and half terrified that talking about it was making it real. 

“Charlie even if it was what I… what we wanted… it won’t happen. I’ve already screwed things up again, we’re not… I don’t know… we’ve both been weird recently.” 

“What do you mean?” She asked inquisitively.

Dean groaned. “When we were in LA….” Dean heard the footsteps outside the door before he heard the knock. 

“I didn’t think she was coming here tonight.” He mumbled, standing up to let Lisa inside, part pleased, part annoyed for the distraction. 

But it wasn’t Lisa standing in the doorframe, it was Castiel. 

“Cas?” He smiled nervously, praying the door was more soundproof than it looked. He felt suddenly awkward, remembering the dubious terms they parted on after their last meeting, but then he took in the redness around Cas’s eyes, his inability to hold a smile, not to mention the fact that his friend was physically dripping, and his discomfort faded instantly. He could see instantly that Cas needed him. 

“Hello Dean, Charlie.” He said quietly, looking awkwardly between the two. “Can I come in?” 

Dean snapped out of his stupor and nodded, putting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him into the room, giving his hand a shake afterwards to get the rainwater off. “Did you walk here?” He asked his drenched friend, surprised. 

Cas nodded. “They dropped me off at the station. I didn’t want anyone to know exactly where I am.” 

“The station is a couple of miles away… Cas it’s pouring down. What were you thinking?” Dean wondered aloud. 

“I needed to clear my head.” Cas replied irritably. Dean was eyeing him with pity, while Charlie watched him curiously. 

Dean shrugged. “When you asked for my address I assumed you were mailing me something Cas, I didn’t realise you were gunna turn up like this.” He garbled, then froze, realising it sounded like he was unhappy that he’d turned up here. “Not that I mind of course…. but, what exactly are you doing here?” 

The actor looked up to meet his eyes. “Perks of the job.” He laughed bitterly. Dean looked at Charlie in complete confusion. Charlie eyed him suspiciously.  

“Dean, drop the inquisition and just get him warm.” She commanded, heading into the kitchen with the explanation that she would make them some soup. To her, it had been plainly obvious that Cas didn't want to talk, at least not yet. Dean looked at Castiel, heart swelling with a mixture of pity, confusion, and excitement, and took him by the hand, leading him into his bathroom. 

“It’s not as nice as what you’re used to, sorry.” He’d never felt more conscious of his tiny apartment, with its bored, magnolia walls and cheap carpets. His bathroom was simple, just a tub, overhead shower, toilet, and sink. Some of his tiles were cracked and his grouting and silicone definitely needed a good clean, his eyes cast over the small spots of black mould growing against the white. “But you need to get those wet clothes off and get warm. It is October at the end of the day.” 

Cas shivered and Dean had to suppress the desire to pull him into a hug to warm him up. He handed him a towel instead. “C’mon Cas, I’ll get you some dry clothes.” 

Dean slipped out of the room and rifled through the drawers in his bedroom until he found something suitable for Cas to put on. He picked out an old black ACDC t-shirt and a pair of worn but comfortable sweatpants, figuring they were a similar clothes size. Cas was still in his dripping clothes when he re-entered the bathroom, and he had his head in his hands. Dean ignored his better sense and pulled Cas into him, allowing the man to sob on his shoulder for as long as he needed. Cas clutched his sides gratefully as he cried, relieved in particular at Dean’s acceptance considering their last encounter, and distraught over his current circumstances. 

When his sobs subsided, Dean brushed a hand through Castiel’s wet hair to push it back out of the way, and, resisting the urge to kiss him senseless, pushed off his leather jacket and pulled his polo top over his head. He wrapped the towel around Cas as he pulled him back into the hug. Castiel must have had a very bad day. 

“Cas c’mon, your jeans?” He whispered, fumbling with his friend’s buttons. He’d never been good at getting those off, he realised, mildly amused. He had to force the images he was reminded of to the back of his mind.  

“Sorry.” Cas swallowed down his sobs and took a few deep breaths, hand replacing Dean’s on his own buttons and undoing them quickly. He kicked off his jeans and stood with Dean’s arms around him as the door opened and Charlie walked in. Cas jumped back and looked at her, taking the ringing phone she held out in her hands. He hit answer. 

“Yes. Yes I’m here, I’m safe.” He explained. The woman’s voice at the end of the line was fiery and irritated, but Dean and Charlie couldn’t quite make out what she was saying, exchanging a nervous glance at each other while he spoke. “No I still won’t tell you where I am… Of course I regret it… I didn’t know that’s what he was… Oh for god’s sake Naomi.” Castiel hung up the phone and resisted the urge to smash it. He looked at Dean sadly, as if he actually thought he was about to be rejected. Perhaps, given the terms they’d been on since their last meeting, he thought he would be. “I’m sorry to just turn up here like this. Is there any chance… would you mind if I stayed just for tonight? Maybe tomorrow night tops? I’ve just… I need to just get away for a while.” 

“Yeah.” Dean said quietly. “Cas, stay as long as you need to.” 

Charlie went back to the soup and when Dean realised that Cas’s boxers were also soaked through he slipped back into his bedroom to get him some clean ones. He took a deep breath as he passed them to Cas and went back out to the kitchen to speak to Charlie. 

“Has he said why he’s here?” Charlie asked curiously. Dean shook his head. “Just remember what I said… but whatever did happen between you in LA… don’t repeat it. You owe Lisa more than that… you’re better than that.” 

“I know.” Dean sighed, shaking his head and rubbing his temples in confused frustration. Cas joined them then, looking cleaner and drier but still shivering a little. Dean sat down on the couch and pulled Cas down next to him, grabbing the afghan and draping it over his shoulders. He smiled gratefully, and as Charlie handed him a bowl of soup he thanked her. They sat together quietly for a while, watching the movie, until Dean’s phone rang. He checked the name and upon seeing it was Lisa, he paused the DVD. 

“Hey Lis.” He mumbled. 

“Have you heard about Castiel?” She asked abruptly, and Dean could tell Cas had heard because he was looking anywhere but at him and like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. 

“Not now.” He told Lisa, and hung up. 

Dean put his cell down and reached for the remote to restart the movie, but Charlie stopped him. 

“Dean.” She said softly, motioning toward Cas who had brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face there. Dean instinctively reached out to him and wrapped his arms around him, pulling his shoulder into his chest. They sat in silence for a few more moments. 

“What’s happened, Cas?” Charlie asked quietly. 

Cas took a deep breath and lifted his head to look at them both. Dean left his arm resting on Cas’s shoulders. 

“It seems I’ve inadvertently made a sex tape.” He admitted, and when he realised how ridiculous it sounded he laughed bitterly. “I slept with someone, and he filmed it, and now it’s everywhere.” 

“Shit.” Charlie said simply. 

“Who was it, Cas?” Dean asked insistently, looking for a fight with anger coursing through his voice. Anyone who’d done that to his friend deserved a punch in the face. 

Cas shook his head as he looked at Dean. “Don’t.” He warned. 

Dean huffed, trying to dispel his anger as he trailed his hand through Castiel’s hair. “So you’re out?” He asked quietly. 

“I guess so.” Cas whispered. 


	8. Fever

The sky had barely brightened. The rain had continued to pound down outside through the night, in its wake leaving a sky full of dark cloud and a thick mist, a particularly cool chill tinging the air for the time of year. It wasn’t obvious, but behind the clouds the sun had risen, morning breaking. 

It was warm however, in the apartment, the extra body radiating further heat and adding to the boiler’s efforts, the heating having been on all through the night. When they awoke, they were still on the couch, curled together in the blanket Dean had wrapped Castiel in. Charlie must have let herself out if they’d fallen asleep, Dean supposed, she wasn’t there any more. 

“What’s he doing here?” A voice called from above them that had Dean sighing inwardly. Lisa was standing over them, a very unimpressed glower on her face. They sat up quickly, and Cas looked from Lisa to Dean sleepily before realising what was happening. “Dean!” She demanded.  

“I’m sorry!” Cas exclaimed as Dean struggled to find an explanation. He dragged the afghan off of his lap. “I just needed somewhere to lay low. We must have fallen asleep.” 

“And there was nowhere else you could go?” Lisa spat bitterly, leaving Cas lost for words. He looked away guiltily, looking anywhere but at Dean. He could have checked in to any hotel in the country, he knew, but it wouldn’t have helped him even half as much. He had used this current drama as an excuse to see Dean again, to be near to him. Dean was his remedy.  

“This is my apartment, and he’s welcome here.” Dean said firmly, finally finding his voice as he stood up to face her. He had palpitations and his lungs felt as though they’d collapsed, but he held his position and his firm gaze.

“Can’t you see what he wants Dean?” She glared down at Castiel from where she was stood, arms folded defensively across her chest. “He’s just interested in getting into your pants. I’ve seen it on the TV.” 

“Don’t you dare talk to him like that.” Dean squared up to her fiercely, and they glared at each other for several tense, long seconds. When Lisa scowled and walked out, slamming the door behind her, the reverberation shook the walls, and Dean finally breathed, his face a deep pink from the annoyance and guilt.  

He let out a long sigh, his hands automatically finding his face in frustration, fingers rubbing at his temples. Cas felt a wave of guilt flush through him. Lisa was wrong, but only partly. Cas wasn’t _only_ interested in getting into Dean’s pants, but he wasn’t opposed to the idea either. Despite himself, and he had tried very hard over the years to talk himself out of it, he still harboured a strong attachment to Dean, one he’d never felt for anyone else. It had always been there, simmering under the surface, but being close to him again had brought it back at full force. He’d had a lot of sex, with partners of both genders, Hollywood had afforded him that opportunity, but none of the experiences even remotely compared to the total intimacy he had shared with Dean on every level. They’d always had this connection, deep and meaningful, and he knew Dean felt it too, although it went unacknowledged. He knew deep down that it was love, that he was completely and totally head over heels in love with him. 

“Maybe I should go.” He muttered and went to stand. Dean stuck his arm out and stopped him, and his heart swelled slightly with hope. 

“Don’t. Not because of her. Stay, please.”  

Cas looked at Dean, who was avoiding his eyes, and obliged. “Ok.” He whispered. 

“Fuck.” Dean muttered, sitting back down on the couch and dropping his head back into his waiting hands. They sat for several moments in an awkward silence, Cas not knowing what to say or how to make things right, not that he was particularly keen on doing so, Dean mulling over his options. After a couple of tense minutes, Castiel sneezed and Dean looked up at him with a laugh, seemingly eager to change the subject. “Serves you right for walking here last night in the cold.” 

Cas shrugged sheepishly while Dean checked the old, battered watch he wore on his left wrist. His usual weekday alarm would be going off in a few minutes and he had to get ready for work. He groaned. “I’ve gotta go to work, but stay, find something to keep yourself occupied and I’ll be home later, ok?” 

Cas nodded as Dean went through to the bathroom and hopped into the shower.  He let the warm water flow down his back as he leant his head against the plain white tiles. His heart sank a little as he thought of Lisa. He’d probably blown it by letting her leave like that, but he couldn’t even force himself to be worried about it. In truth, he just wasn’t upset. Their downfall was inevitable, a long time coming, and he had been looking for a way out. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Charlie had said the night before, how maybe even though he hadn’t noticed it happening she was right, he had fallen in love with Castiel. There was something strange about the way he felt about him, something he’d not experienced, or at least not acknowledged, before. When he looked at Cas, he knew he wanted him, he was attracted to him, aroused by him, enthralled by him. But there was something deeper as well, a need for complete intimacy. Something about Cas just drove him crazy, made him want to tell him all of his little secrets and desires, gave him confidence, and stopped him caring about anything else. 

But then, maybe he’d never truly fallen out of love with him in the first place. He thought about how inseparable they were as children, and how many nights he’d spent over the last ten years lying awake and wondering how different things could have been.

Dean sighed. This wasn’t the time for being soppy, or working through his own messed up mind. Cas was mid-crisis and he needed him. He could figure this stuff out later. He groaned, washed his hair and body and stepped out, throwing a grin to Cas as he went through to his bedroom to change. 

 

*

 

At 6pm, after Dean had finally finished work, late, because he’d been so distracted, it was to an empty living space. He immediately crossed to the bathroom, but the door was open and Cas wasn’t there. He wasn’t in the kitchen either. Dean pulled back the door to the bedroom praying Cas hadn’t left and breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of the shape under the covers. Dean smiled, sliding into his bed next to his friend. He had a quip ready on his tongue about his mattress, but something stopped him from letting it out. He turned his head quizzically towards Cas, and the small, shivering vibrations that were panicking him. 

“I’m so cold.” Castiel said through chattering teeth. Dean quirked an eyebrow, he’d thought it was quite warm in the bedroom with the radiator on full blast, he’d actually been regretting not turning the heating down, he could barely afford it as it was. He pulled back the covers a little and felt a sense of alarm rising when he realised how many layers Cas was wearing. It looked like he’d put on half of Dean’s wardrobe. 

“What the…?” Dean let the unfinished question hang in the air as he held the back of his hand up to Cas’s forehead, grimacing at the heat he was emanating. “God, Cas you’re burning up.” 

“No, I’m freezing.” Cas insisted, holding his arms out and wrapping them around Dean. “You’re so warm.” 

Dean reciprocated the hug, but pulled back the covers and tried unsuccessfully to remove some of Cas’s layers. “You’re not freezing Cas, you’ve got a fever. You need to get some of these clothes off.” Dean climbed out of the bed to get a better angle. 

“Don’t leave me again.” Cas pleaded. “Don’t leave Dean.” 

“I’m not going anywhere, but you’ve got to listen to me, you need to take some of those clothes off.” 

Cas ignored him and tried to yank the covers back over his head, but Dean was quicker and held them back. “Come with me.” Dean commanded, putting his arms under Cas’s shoulders and lifting him out of the bed. “Come on, we’ll get you warm.” He led him into the bathroom and let him slide down to the floor, back propped up by the bath panel. Dean fumbled in his drug cabinet for some Tylenol and took two out of the packet. “Open your mouth.” He whispered, popping the pills inside when Cas obeyed. He handed him a glass of water. “Swallow.” He reminded his friend. Cas grimaced as he swallowed, and when Dean opened his mouth to check that he had indeed swallowed the pills he could see instantly how swollen and red his throat was.

“Your dad won’t find out Dean, please just stay with me.” Cas whispered suddenly, his tone shaking with delirium, fear, and sadness, and Dean felt it like an axe through his heart as he started to panic. Just how sick was he? 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He assured Cas, sitting down next to him and allowing his head to drop into his arms. With his free hand he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialled Jess’s number. “Jess? Please, I need your help.” He rushed. 

“Dean! I’m glad you called… I… help? What? What’s going on?” Came her reply. 

“It’s Cas. He’s here and he’s really sick, and you’re a nurse.” 

“Cas is with you? Oh thank God, we’ve been worried about him… Wait…What’s wrong with him?” 

“He’s got a fever, his throat is really swollen and he’s delirious, I don’t think he knows what’s happening.” 

“Ok, we’re coming over, just give him a couple of Tylenol if you have any and try and cool him down.”

“Yeah, I did, thanks.” 

“Ok great, we’ll be there in ten minutes.” 

Dean hung up the phone and looked down at the man in his arms. He ran his hand through Cas’s hair, alarmed at how wet it was from how much he was sweating. He propped him back up and straddled his legs as he worked at removing some of the layers of clothing. Cas complained to the point that he began to cry and Dean leaned forward, hand around Cas’s neck as Cas cried onto his shoulder. Dean kissed his wet hair, his distress lowering his inhibitions, and told him he’d be alright, fighting back tears of his own as he heard the front door open. He called out to Sam and Jess and within seconds they joined him in the bathroom. 

Jess dropped to her knees beside Cas while Sam pulled Dean out of the way. Gently, Jess persuaded Cas to open his mouth and placed her thermometer inside while peering down his throat, using the torch on her phone to see.  She produced a pack of antibiotics from her pocket and popped one of the pills into Cas’s mouth, forcing him to swallow. “His temperature is 104, we need to get him cooler.” She said professionally. “Dean, get these clothes off of him, I’ll run a cold bath.” 

Dean resumed his work of removing Cas’s layers which became much easier when Jess told Cas firmly that he absolutely had to take them off. Somehow he listened to her. Dean had just about pulled Cas’s jeans over his ankles, leaving him shivering in his boxers, when Jess announced that the bath was ready. With Sam’s help, they lifted Cas and lowered him into the cool water as he protested weakly. Cas seemed unable to support his weight, and rather than leave his head lolling to the side, Dean climbed onto the edge of the bath and let Cas’s head lie in his lap, stroking his cheek with his thumb. They were quiet for what seemed like hours. 

“He won’t ever find out, Dean.” Cas muttered, and Dean stared up at the ceiling rather than face the curious looks Sam and Jess were surely giving him. It was quiet for a few more minutes. “Don’t leave, please don’t leave.” The small voice was pained.

He couldn’t stop the tears that rose to his eyes then, and he hung his head, burying his face in Castiel’s hair as he wept quietly. Jess’s hand rubbed his back and after a few minutes he looked up at her gratefully. He silently thanked them for not asking questions, but knew he’d have to answer for it sooner or later. Jess checked Cas’s temperature again. “Just a bit longer.” She sighed. 

After another half hour, it seemed Cas had fallen asleep, and Jess checked again, announcing that she was happy it was normal now at 98. Jess retrieved some clean clothes from Dean’s room as he and Sam lifted Cas back out of the bath, sitting him on the floor. Sam left him to dry Cas off as he joined Jess outside. When he was dry and dressed, they carried him into bed and he didn’t even stir. After he was completely sure that Cas was asleep, still breathing, and out of immediate danger, Dean left his side and returned to his brother and sister-in-law. 

“Thanks.” Dean sighed. 

Jess smiled. “It’s fine, I’m just glad he’s somewhere safe. He’ll be alright, I’m sure, but he should probably have seen a doctor. Just get him to take these three times a day, make sure he’s drinking plenty and fingers crossed it should sort him out. It’s probably the stress of everything that’s going on.” 

“That and the fact that he turned up here last night dripping wet having walked a couple of miles from the station.” 

“That would do it.” Jess huffed a laugh before her face turned more serious. “Dean… while we’re here, I needed to speak to you about something else.” 

Dean cocked his head to the side and sat down next to his sister-in-law. “Yeah?” 

“It’s, uh, it’s kind of awkward…” She stumbled, looking to Sam for support. He nodded, urging her to go on. Dean waited patiently, wondering where this was going and heart pounding as he thought only of the man in his bed. 

“You know my brother Matt?” She said finally. Dean nodded, confused. “He’s been weird since the wedding, he just kept saying he’d met someone that night, and anyway, yesterday we went for lunch and he mentioned that her name was Lisa… and I’m so sorry Dean but there was only one Lisa at the wedding…” She trailed off. 

Dean sat back and took a deep breath, partly annoyed but mostly relieved. It explained a lot, he supposed. It would be hard to blame her when he’d been just as unfaithful. “Right.” He said quietly. 

“Are you ok?” Sam asked. 

Dean looked over at his younger brother who was almost on the edge of his seat with nerves. He gave him a small smile. “Yeah, I think so.” 

“You don’t seem surprised.” Jess stated matter-of-factly, a suspicious undertone to her voice that Dean didn’t fail to notice. He wondered what she thought, especially now, after Castiel’s delirious whisperings. He decided it would be better not to ask. 

“I guess not.” Dean shrugged. “I think we’ve been over since that day.” He watched the way both Sam and Jess looked toward his bedroom door when he spoke, following their gaze and smiling fondly at the thought of Cas tucked in his bed. “My life is so weird right now.” He admitted, and his guests laughed knowingly. 

Sam stood and held out a hand for his wife, who smiled as she took it and stood with him. 

“Why can’t I have what you guys have?” Dean asked with a bitter tone. 

“You haven’t already got it?” Jess countered, and Dean shot her a suspicious look, trying not to allow a blush to creep over his cheeks but failing, badly. His heart swelled a little at the realisation that they probably registered his feelings for Castiel before he had himself, and that they didn’t seem to mind, at all. Jess winked. “We’d better go, but if it’s ok we’ll pop back tomorrow, to check on the patient.” 

Dean nodded. “Thank God it’s Friday.” 

After they’d said their goodbyes, Dean looked at the clock, and decided that even though it was only 9.30 he’d had enough of today. He briefly considered sleeping on the couch, but his desire to be near Cas won out and he found himself slipping into bed next to him, throwing an arm lazily over his chest. Cas hummed in his sleep. 

 

*

 

It was still dark when Dean next woke up, greeted by a clattering sound. He flicked on a lamp and peered over the edge of the bed, where Cas was sat on the floor rubbing his head. “Fall out?” Dean struggled to hold in a laugh. “You Hollywood types and your massive beds.” He teased.

Cas scowled at him. “I was trying to get up to pee but my legs don’t seem to be working and I’m really dizzy.” He said, feeling very sorry for himself. “Sorry, I tried to grab the drawer but I’ve just pulled it all out.” 

Dean smiled, scrambling out of bed and holding an arm out to help Cas up. “At least you’re talking sense now. C’mon, I’ll help you.” He pulled and took some of Cas’s weight when he was standing, walking them both slowly to the bathroom where he left Cas to relieve himself, re-entering when he was done to walk him back to bed. He lowered Cas down onto the mattress, and as he let go of his weight, Cas wriggled, pulling something from under his back that had fallen out of the drawer. Cas held a small, black, velvet box in his hands, and Dean stared at it in horror as Cas opened it curiously, revealing the diamond engagement ring inside. Neither of them spoke for a moment. 

“When are you going to ask her?” Cas asked quietly, voice strained. 

“I’m not.” Dean said quickly. “I mean… I suppose I was. I would have…” He was screwing this up. “I’d intended to do it at the wedding, but I changed my mind on the day.” 

“And you haven’t wanted to ask her since?” Cas enquired. 

“No.. I… things have changed.” Dean sighed and sat on the bed at Cas’s feet. Cas was still fiddling nervously with the box. “She’s been cheating on me.” He said quietly. “Jess told me last night.” 

“I’m sorry Dean.” Cas said in earnest.

“Don’t be.” Dean sighed. “She’s not… I don't think she’s what I want any more.” 

“What do you want?” Cas whispered. Dean looked up at his friend nervously and upon seeing the vulnerability and fragility in Castiel’s eyes he suddenly panicked. 

“To have this conversation when you’re not so damn sick.” He forced a smile. “Go back to sleep, we’ll talk some other time.” 

Cas frowned, but closed his eyes and nestled his body around Dean’s when he climbed back under the covers. 

“I do feel like shit.” Cas informed him, and Dean chuckled.


	9. Betrayal

The following morning proved to be a struggle for Cas as he was constantly thrown off balance by dizzy spells and muscle weakness. Dean had had to escort him to the bathroom on several occasions but mostly found it easier to wait on him as he lay on the couch. He supposed Castiel was used to it anyway, but his friend did blush a little when Dean brought him breakfast served complete with his antibiotic pills. They ate in front of the TV. Dean was enjoying Cas’s commentaries of the actors and their scandalous personal lives, and found himself betting Charlie would give anything to have this conversation. 

“Massive coke addict, that one.” Cas laughed, and Dean looked surprised. “And her, but that’s no surprise to anyone.”

“But you… you’ve never…?” Dean let the question hang in the air. 

“Actually I did… but it was a really long time ago, early in my career and everything was new… it never got out of hand.” 

It was so easy to forget that Cas wasn’t just the kid from across the street any more, and as he sat at one end of the couch, with Castiel’s feet in his lap, he wished, not for the first time, that things had been different. But he’d never looked more endearing, relaxed in Dean’s clothes with his bed hair wild. Cas caught him staring and quirked an eyebrow. Dean looked quickly away as his cheeks tinged pink. 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas sighed suddenly. 

“Don’t mention it.” Dean whispered. 

There was a knock on the door a few hours later and Dean opened it to Charlie who grinned and wandered inside. She took a seat on the couch opposite and Dean resumed his own spot, lifting Castiel’s feet back into his lap. “There seem to be loads of people in the streets today.” She commented with a shrug. “Anyway, Sam tells me you’re sick, Cas?” 

Cas nodded his head. “I was worse yesterday. I don’t actually remember much that happened.” 

It was Dean’s turn to grin. “Because you were running a fever of 104 and talking out of your ass.” He chuckled. 

Cas looked at him curiously. “What was I saying?” 

“It was all just crap, Cas.” Dean said with conviction, but he could tell he didn’t have Castiel convinced. He shrugged the subject off and was thankful that Cas didn’t pursue it further. “You should have been here earlier Charlie, Cas was telling me about all the secret Hollywood scandals.” 

“What! No fair.” She pouted, but somehow she still managed to persuade Cas to repeat his earlier stories. Not long after he’d exhausted the topic, Cas looked sheepishly at Dean and gestured toward the bathroom. Dean stood and took Cas’s outstretched hands in his own, pulling him to his feet and slipping an arm under his shoulder for support. Cas took a moment to steady himself but then began taking gentle steps to the bathroom, where Dean left him momentarily. 

“They told me about Lisa.” Charlie said quietly. “I wasn’t sure if you’d told Cas but… yeah, I’m sorry.” 

Dean didn’t know where to begin. “Yeah… well, maybe you were right. About Lisa at least.”

A sad smile played on Charlie’s lips, but she was saved from answering by another knock at the door. His brother and sister-in-law were behind it as he pulled it open, but the smile that started to form dropped when he took in their flustered expressions. 

“Where’s Cas?” Sam whispered hurriedly. 

“Bathroom… why? What’s going on?” 

“I think they’ve found him.” Jess said quietly. Dean froze as the bathroom door opened behind them and he turned to see Cas, smiling as he leaned heavily against the door frame. His smile quickly faded as he registered the shock on Dean’s face. 

“What’s happened?” He asked, as his cell phone began to ring in his pocket. He pulled it out and frowned at his manager’s name, glancing back at Dean as he answered it. 

“Naomi?” He paused for a long moment before lurching forwards toward the couch, wincing as his dizziness caught up with him. But Dean was already by his side and guiding him back to sitting. Cas leaned over and grabbed the TV remote, switching over to a channel displaying a sight familiar to Dean, the outside of his own building. 

‘Casanovak.’ Read the headline. ‘Castiel shacked up with mystery boyfriend.’ 

Dean’s arm was still around Cas, but it was shirked off when Cas groaned loudly and rubbed his face with his hands. “Just send a car.” He snapped down the phone as he hung up. “How the hell did they find me?” He asked the silence angrily. As if answering his question, the news presenter then introduced her special guest, a brunette Dean was starting to get sick of the sight of. 

‘Dean Winchester’s ex-girlfriend.’ Read the scrolling banner underneath Lisa’s picture. “Fuck.” Cas groaned. Sam and Jess stood awkwardly, hand in hand at the back of the room, while even Charlie was speechless. Dean shook his head of the shock and kneeled down in front of Cas. 

“Don’t run.” He urged. “Don’t keep running, it’ll only get worse.” 

“And do what instead, Dean?” Cas asked bitterly. 

“Talk to them, admit your mistakes, take responsibility.” Dean begged. 

“You have no idea what they’re like.” 

“They’re still human Cas.” 

Castiel scoffed at that. “Hardly.”

“Please, I know this has been hard for you but-” 

“Dean you’ve been part of this for all of two minutes, I’ve had to put up with this for years.” Castiel was starting to raise his croaking voice.

“What’s so wrong with just telling the truth and admitting who you are?” Dean half-shouted, exasperated. 

“Like you have?!” Cas yelled. “They’re vultures, Dean.” 

Dean bit back a retort and stared at his friend angrily. “Fine.” He muttered, and promptly stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him in a fit of rage. His common sense hadn’t caught up with his intentions, and before he knew it he was outside the building and standing in front of a large crowd who erupted in whispers. He wished he’d thought to change out of his sweatpants, that probably wasn’t doing anything to deny the allegations. Someone thrust a microphone in his face, and quickly several others joined it. Clearly they knew who he was. 

He took a deep breath before he could realise what a stupid idea this was, and let his anger power his voice out to the crowd. 

“My name is Dean Winchester.” He began, stammering through his frustration. “And yes, Castiel is in my apartment right now.” 

He paused. 

“And do you know why he’s there?” He asked. A few people wolf-whistled or giggled suggestively and he shot them angry glares. Was this a bad idea? Oh god, this was a really bad idea, wasn't it. “Because he’s running away from you. Just like he always has been. He didn’t know that guy was filming, that he’d been betrayed like this.” 

The expressions of the crowd started to change then, and surprise and shame began to line the pursed lips of the perfumed journalists. Maybe he could pull this off after all. “The person you know as Castiel Novak is not the same person I know. He’s not some sex obsessed asshole who deserves your gossip and shaming. He’s one of the most loyal and kind people I know, and he’s been through a lot, most of it probably down to me… if anyone deserves this kind of shit treatment then I do. But not him.” 

“And yes, he’s gay. Big fucking whoop.” Dean spat. “But why is that a story? Why are you even interested? It affects you in exactly no way at all, and you should be ashamed of yourself for the way you’re treating him, because he sure as hell does not need it. He’s ended up physically sick because of all this.” 

The crowd started to whisper and point again, and Dean turned to see Cas leaning on the door frame behind him. He didn’t look pissed off, exactly, but he didn’t look overjoyed either, he looked mostly exasperated. They exchanged a glance that Dean took to mean ‘have it your way’, and Cas stumbled slowly forward to join him, and he steadied himself against his friend with a hand on his lower back. 

Cas sighed as he faced the crowd of reporters, running his hand nervously over the back of his neck as cameras flashed left right and centre. Dean spotted Kevin approaching slowly at the edge of the crowd, and a similarly dressed older bodyguard on the opposite side. The cavalry had apparently arrived just in time. 

“Everything Dean has just told you is the truth.” He began. “I’m not really the person I’ve been pretending to be all these years. In fact… I’m not sure I actually know who I am because I’ve never really accepted myself… but I’ll try and change that now.” 

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, fighting back dizziness as he leaned against Dean’s side. “I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone with the video, but honestly , I didn’t know he was filming. It wasn’t my intention for things to happen this way, but there’s no point pretending it isn’t true.” 

Cas grimaced and Dean slid his arm around his side, propping him up. The crowd started to buzz with chatter when Castiel didn’t say anything else, and people started to shout out questions. 

“So were you two shacking up?” A man in a black coat with a red tie yelled. 

Cas shook his head. “No. Dean’s just my friend.” 

Dean tried to ignore the way he’d said _just,_ and the emphasis he’d heard on the word. 

“Are you still seeing Erik?” A woman in a purple coat called. 

“No, that was a one off, and he’d be lucky after that stunt.” Cas huffed, referring to the model responsible for his inadvertent sex tape. 

“So the rumours about you and Taylor Swift are false?” A woman with a clipboard and a microphone asked.

“Obviously.” 

“Are you dating anyone at the moment?” A young man with a beard shouted. 

“No.” Cas sighed, but then he chuckled. “But not for lack of trying.” 

The crowd laughed with him and Dean smiled down at his friend. Cas looked up to meet his eyes. “Lucky escape, Winchester.” He muttered with a bitter tone. He then spoke louder. “I’m not feeling too well, so I’m gunna go back inside.” He announced. The crowd complained, but started packing away their cameras and microphones. They turned to go, but Dean spun around when he heard a familiar woman’s voice calling his name. He watched as Lisa parted her way through the crowd. 

“Where are you going?” She asked, voice shrill. “You’re my boyfriend.” 

“No Lisa, I’m not. You gave up that privilege when you started fucking Matt.” Dean said simply, irritated by the sight of her, and walked off after Cas. 

Castiel seemed to be becoming weaker with every step, and once they'd reached the front door, Dean realised he’d lost consciousness and pulled him through the threshold with both arms, lowering him onto the floor and leaning over him with alarm, checking that he was in fact, still breathing. Kevin entered quickly behind him, kneeling down next to Cas and manipulating him into the recovery position. “He’ll come around in a second.” He assured Dean. 

And he was right. Cas opened his eyes moments later and looked up at them tiredly. He gazed up at Dean. “You’re an idiot.” He smiled fondly. Dean breathed a sigh of relief and helped him to sit up. “You’re not off the hook though, that was seriously stupid. You can’t just do that.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “It worked though, didn’t it?” 

“Whether it worked or not is irrelevant. It was stupid, reckless, and frankly irresponsible.” Came a voice from behind them that made Dean feel like he was a child being scolded and Cas rubbed his eyes after he’d looked up at his manager, Naomi. 

Dean’s anger flared up. “I was just trying to help! And in case you didn’t notice, I did.” 

“Well maybe next time you should consult everyone before you try.” 

“Maybe next time you should give him some better advice.” Dean retorted. 

“Dean.” Cas said weakly. “She’s right, this isn’t a game.” 

“I’m not a fucking idiot, Cas, I know it’s not a game -”

“ - but do you actually realise how serious it could have been? I know you were just trying to help me but, if you’d said the wrong thing… you could have ended my career. And you realise they're not going to leave you alone, now?” 

Dean breathed back the anger and shook his head. He couldn’t understand why Cas was being like this. “Cas they’re still human…” 

“No, they’re not. They’re vultures that will bleed you dry for a story, and you’ve just given them a massive one. They’ve been breathing down my neck for seven years and I don’t expect you to understand but you can’t just be so impulsive…” Cas sighed long and deep. 

Naomi was shaking her head. “We can have this conversation once we’re back in LA. Is he coming, Castiel, can we please leave?” She looked at the actor. 

Cas stared up at Dean and nodded once. Dean could feel panic welling in his lungs and he choked back a response. He breathed and continued to breathe as he looked into Castiel’s eyes.

“Cas, I can’t do this.” 

He watched as Castiel’s heart broke.


	10. Flight Risk

A few minutes later, Castiel was on the verge of leaving, but as he was leaning weakly on the door to the Rolls-Royce, wondering whether he was actually about to let Dean storm out of his life for a second time, his name was called behind him. His heart hurt, and he just wanted to be left alone to process his loss for a second time, but the voice was insistent. He turned to look at Sam, trying to force a half smile at the tall man and his wife, struggling to see past the tears welled in the rims of his eyes. 

“Don’t go.” Jess insisted, hurrying down to his side. “Not yet.” 

Sam pulled him into a hug and Cas felt his emotions bubbling to the surface, threatening to spill over. “Your brother’s an ass.” Cas muttered, voice faltering.  

Sam nodded, wondering what had just gone down between the two men to render them both in such a state, and wishing they’d both man up and be honest with each other. “We know, but there’s still hope for him.” He almost laughed.

Castiel raised his eyebrows in doubt. “Where’s Charlie?” He asked, knowing the answer already. 

“She’s talking to Dean…What’s going on between you two, Cas?” Jess asked cautiously. Cas sighed and looked through the glass to where Naomi was eyeing him, irritated. He signalled to her that he needed more time and she rolled her eyes, eager to depart. Castiel had been so much easier to work for before that wedding. He gestured back toward the building and Sam helped him slowly back inside, the three of them sitting down on the gritty, carpeted floor of the building’s entrance. 

“I don’t really know how to answer your question.” Castiel began quietly. “I don’t really know myself.” 

He paused for so long that Jess stepped in to prompt him. “Well how about you start by explaining what happened all those years ago?”  
  
Cas scoffed. “I’m not sure Dean would ever forgive me if I told you that.” 

Sam and Jess exchanged a look, but Castiel was too busy looking at the floor even to notice. “You don’t have to tell me if I guess.” Jess said knowingly, also beginning to get a little fed up and frustrated at the way these two were skirting around each other. “You slept together?” She suggested. 

Cas buried his head in his hands, too tired to deny it. He groaned instead, answer enough for the couple, who shot each other a pointed look.

“So what happened? Dean’s not so much of an asshole that he’d react like he did because of that alone.” Sam asked curiously. 

“Dean had his reasons.” Cas insisted. “And no, I definitely won’t be explaining.” 

Jess shrugged. It would be so much easier to help if they knew the full story, but Castiel’s tone suggested that he would definitely not be ok with them probing the matter further. “Ok, no pressure.” She smiled. “And what’s the deal now?”

“We’re not… nothing like that is happening now.” 

“Do you want it to be?” 

Cas was saved from answering by an incoming call to Sam’s cell. He answered, and spoke quickly before hanging up. “That was Charlie, they want us upstairs.” He explained. Castiel looked at him nervously. “You’ll regret it if you don’t hear him out.” He reasoned. Cas sighed and took Sam’s offered hand to help him up. 

 

*

 

Meanwhile, Dean had stormed into his apartment, passing his friend, brother, and sister-in-law as he fled into his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him, ignoring the slight shake of the walls as he did so. He cursed himself, not for the first time, for not installing a lock when Charlie slipped in after him. As if he could stop her, she was relentless in her efforts to make him happy. “Not now.” He warned her angrily. 

Charlie raised her eyebrows as if he’d just talked back to her and she was the high school principal, and Dean rolled his eyes. “What are you doing?” She asked as he climbed into his bed and pulled the comforter over his face. 

“I’m going to bed.” Came his muffled response.

“No, I mean what the hell are you doing?” She repeated, her own frustration apparent. She pulled back the covers to find him on the verge of tears. “Dean for god’s sake, don’t let him leave.”

“But what else can I do, Charlie? I can’t go with him, he’s _him_ and I’m just me. He doesn’t need someone like me around, I’m worthless by comparison.” 

“Don’t be an idiot, Winchester.” She snapped. “This isn’t the time for pointless self pity. There’s something between the two of you, Dean. You can’t leave all of this unresolved - isn’t that what you did last time? I know it’ll be hard with who he is, but surely it’s worth it? Surely _he’s_ worth it?” 

“You saw them out there today, it’s impossible and you know it.” Dean almost sobbed, choking through his anger and fear to spit the words out. 

“Get your head out of your ass. Have you considered that it might be impossible for him on a daily basis? Dean he _wants_ you with him. He _needs you_! Don’t you get it? That in itself means you’re worth something. He wants you there by his side. Remember what I said the other night, you have to _try,_ Dean. What are you going to do if he leaves? Sit around here for weeks, depressed?” 

Dean had nothing to say to that, and he ran his hands over his head. 

“You’re upset about this, which means you care. Look, I’m not suggesting you jump into bed with the guy, although I guess things with Lisa are over… but if, in a few days time, you freak out again and decide you need to come back it’ll be worse for both of you. Dean, I really think you should try and go with him, just to support him as his friend. He’s been through a lot recently, you both have. You need to get away from here just as much. You need each other.” 

Dean took in a deep breath as he looked at her, knowing deep down that she was right and that if he let Cas leave without him again it would break him, probably break both of them. He could still feel a bubble of panic in his chest and he was having to concentrate on remembering to breathe, but he gave a small nod. As he looked away and dragged himself out of bed, she pulled out her phone and called Sam. 

 

*

 

Castiel was shaking as he reached the apartment door, through nerves as well as illness, and he followed slowly, close behind Sam as it was opened and he walked inside. Dean wasn’t in sight, but Charlie was stood in his bedroom doorway. She gestured to Castiel, beckoning him forward. “In here.” 

He shot Charlie a small smile for her help as he reached the doorframe, and she moved out of the way. Inside, Dean was bending over his drawers, pulling out clothes. As he turned and stuffed them into his duffel, he looked up and caught Castiel’s eye. Cas thought maybe he’d been crying, he looked a bit of a state, with his eyes red rimmed and his hair stuck down at the back and up at the front like he’d been lying down and tearing at it. 

Dean crossed the room and threw his arms around Cas’s neck. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered. “I shouldn’t have…” Cas’s hands went to his waist and he could feel his tears falling onto Dean’s shoulder as he broke down in relief. They stood together for a long moment, and Dean smiled sadly out at his family who looked on, relieved. When Cas had stilled, he lifted his head and Dean pressed their foreheads together, resisting the strong urge to kiss away his tears. “I just need to finish packing, I’m gunna come with you and we’ll do things your way.”  

 

*

 

Dean entered the car behind Castiel, sitting himself down next to him. The word car was really an understatement, it was more like a small limousine - they were travelling in style. He smiled and stretched his legs out in the generous leg room, filling the air with a confidence he didn’t truly feel, his heart, in reality, pounding painfully in his chest, a mixture of guilt, fear, and nervousness swelling in his lungs. Naomi rolled her eyes opposite him, the brown hair in a tight bun at the back of her head moving slightly with the exaggerated movement of her brow, and Dean grinned at Castiel who was watching him, bemused.  
  
“Don’t get too comfortable.” Naomi said irritably. Dean’s face fell and the colour drained from his cheeks at the realisation of what was about to happen. Of course his confused mind would have blanked out this next part of the story. What did he expect was going to happen? That they’d all drive for a whole day because a grown man was scared of planes? Cas bit his lip. 

“We’re flying, aren’t we?” Dean asked quietly. 

Castiel nodded and took his friend’s hand. “You’ll be fine. I’ll be there.”  Dean squeezed his hand back but fell silent. Naomi, Kevin, and the older bodyguard Dean whose name didn’t know, all looked at him in surprise, but no one spoke. 

They arrived at the airport some thirty minutes later, and Dean could feel his heart jumping in his chest as they were waved through security, and round to a section at the back where a number of far too small planes were housed in private hangars. Dean swallowed loudly as the car rode into one of the hangars and stopped in the vast space, too big for the quarter sized airplane inside. Someone opened the car door for them and the two bodyguards left first, then Naomi, waiting obediently for Castiel to exit the car. Before he did, Cas looked at Dean who was a deathly shade of white and frozen in fear. 

“We’ll be ok, yeah?” Cas whispered. Dean nodded but his tongue seemed to be stuck in his throat, swollen and clumsy, and he was finding it too hard to speak. Cas tugged on his hand and he forced himself to climb out of the car, staring up wide eyed at the plane in front of them. “Just keep looking at me.” Cas added, noticing Dean’s fixation. 

Kevin was already making his way up the steps, the second guard ready to follow up the rear. Naomi strode confidently after Kevin, her manner always accompanied by an air of irritation, and when Cas reached the bottom of the steps he leant over against the rails in a dizzy spell. Dean snapped out of his stupor for long enough to hold him up and help him up the stairs, before realising that they’d boarded without him consciously noticing. He started to freeze up again but Castiel preempted, grabbed his arm and tugged it forward, forcing him to move. 

The plane’s interior was fancier than the one he’d last travelled to LA on. It might actually have been owned by Cas, Dean reasoned. It had a total of ten seats in the fuselage, six in pairs facing small tables with televisions built in to the back of the seat in front, and four similarly luxurious individual seats on the other side. There would have been space for at least thirty, but the chairs were opulent, pale leather recliners and the aisle was wide enough for three people to pass abreast. It was decorated to a high standard, with modern fixtures and fittings. Castiel dragged Dean down into a window seat and sat himself down in the adjoining chair. Naomi took the individual seat across the aisle from them, watching them curiously. Cas ignored her while he fastened his seatbelt, leaning across to fix Dean’s too when he saw how terrified his friend was. 

“Hey.” Cas prompted gently.  Dean turned his gaze up at him with fear in his eyes. He was taking very shallow breaths, Cas noted. This was going to be a long trip. “Breathe.” He whispered, exaggerating his own breathing for Dean to follow. Dean was trying, but struggling, and he squeezed his eyes shut. Cas put his arm around Dean’s back and guided his head onto his shoulder. Gradually, Dean started to breathe almost normally. Cas glanced up at Kevin, who had been waiting to give the pilot the go ahead, and nodded. “We’re going to start moving now.” Cas mumbled quietly. He felt the nod against his shoulder, and Dean’s arms found their way to his back, gripping at his t-shirt, massaging into the fabric with extreme stress. Dean was sweating, and Castiel could feel his heart vibrating angrily through his hands on his back. 

He’d never admit to anyone what it was about flying that scared him so much. Dean choked back a panicked sob as the plane jolted into motion, resisting an intense urge to run. If he got up now, they could still stop, he could still get out before they were in the air, he didn’t have to go through with this. His mind ran through a hundred scenarios while his common sense clung to the man in front of him, the only thin strand of semblance keeping him in place. 

Dean didn’t like small spaces. It wasn’t the much more rational fear of the airplane crashing that scared him. It wasn’t a fear of death. It was the sensation of being trapped. He would actively avoid an elevator, if it were possible, but it would take mere moments to ascend or descend a floor, while a flight had him suspended, out of his control, in a limited metal box for hours at a time. You could escape from a car. You could open the windows, the doors, stop and run if you had to, but not in a plane. He knew deep down this had stemmed from his father, from the feeling of being trapped by him without chance of escape, of the inevitable pain that he would inflict. When you were mile high, there was nowhere to run, as he’d discovered on the one vacation they’d taken in his early childhood. It was easier to let people think he was scared of a crash than tell them the truth.  

They remained in the same position, clutching at each other throughout the take off, and it was only once they’d stopped ascending that Dean began to relax a little, just enough to lift his head and look at Cas who was smiling at him. Maybe Castiel was right, maybe as long as he was here, Dean could do this. He was safe, as long as he was here.

“Why don’t you try and get some sleep?” Cas suggested. “We’ll be in the air a few hours.” 

Dean nodded, still unable to make an intelligible sound, and Cas helped him to recline his chair so he was lying down. Cas fumbled in the side pocket of the chair and produced an eye mask which He took gladly. “Thanks.” He whispered. Cas just smiled at him, reclining himself just short of horizontal. He watched Dean for some time, until he was sure he was asleep. 

Naomi had been watching the exchange. 

“You really care about him, don’t you?” She said quietly, but suddenly. 

Castiel looked up, surprised. “He’s my friend.” He said, as if in explanation. 

“He’s an idiot.” Naomi was eyeing Dean curiously. “But he cares a lot too.” 

“I know.” Cas smiled. He turned his gaze fondly back to the sleeping man next to him, praying Naomi wouldn’t give him the third degree. 

“Castiel?” Naomi was looking straight at him again. She knew instantly that Dean Winchester was going to be a permanent fixture in their life from this point on. She knew instantly that he would be a problem. “As your manager, this worries me. He’s reckless, impulsive… and I don’t want you getting distracted.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes, pouting. He sucked in a breath. “He’s just trying to help, in his own way.” 

“You know as well as I do that his stunt might have backfired spectacularly. He can’t be allowed to do that again.” She whispered, irritable. Cas was about to complain when she continued. “Like I said, as your manager, it worries me. But I’d like to think we’re friends too, and as your friend, I think you should realise that I’ve never seen you happier than you are right now, with him here. I’ve never seen you act like this with anyone.” 

Cas found himself stumped, not knowing what to say. “He means a lot to me.” He said finally. 

“I know.” Naomi replied. “Just don’t fuck it up.” 

 

*

 

A few hours later, Cas felt the first telltale signs of descent when his stomach dropped. Apparently Dean felt it too, as he pulled off the eye mask with concern, wide green eyes meeting Castiel’s blue. Cas smiled at him. “Don’t worry.” He muttered. He opened his arms and Dean automatically dropped his head into Cas’s chest. They stayed that way until the plane had landed and they were taxiing into a hangar in LAX. 

“I’m never flying again.” Dean assured Cas as they walked down the steps from the plane. 

“Don’t speak too soon.” Naomi said, a little too happily, and Cas shot her a look.

“You didn’t?” He asked in dread, they had no chance of making it back in one piece if his suspicious were true. 

She shrugged. “I didn’t know he doesn’t like flying, and how else were we meant to get back quietly?” 

Cas bit his lip and looked at the alarm in Dean’s face. “What’s she talking about?” Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to know. 

“That.” Naomi pointed, and Dean heard the helicopter’s blades starting up before he saw it. He stared aghast, and Cas was quick to apologise. 

Dean had palpitations as he climbed into the chopper. The fact that he'd made it inside was enough to surprise Castiel. They were each handed a headset which Dean pulled on over his head and sat back looking at the roof, concentrating simply on breathing to stay alive as Cas was helped with his own next to him, eyeing him nervously all the time. Dean shot him an anxious smile to reassure him, but Castiel could see the overwhelming dread in his eyes, and gripped his hand, scared he was about to bolt. Once Kevin had sat down too, the pilot prepared to ascend. The first jolt of movement sent Dean straight back into Castiel’s shoulder and he leaned back to accommodate him, whispering reassurances. 

The flight was blissfully short, and they were landing in Castiel’s grounds after five minutes. Five minutes during which Dean had inwardly screamed the entire time, and Castiel wasn’t sure his hand wouldn’t have permanent nerve damage from where Dean had squeezed it so hard. When the blades slowed to a stop Dean scrambled immediately for the door and fled out of the helicopter, bending over and promptly throwing up onto the floor. Cas trailed after him, supported on Kevin’s arm. Dean took in a few deep breaths and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, legs wobbling now he was back on solid, open ground. That was a thousand times worse than an airplane. 

“I swear to God, Cas. I am _never_ doing that again.”  

 

*

 

They helped themselves to drinks when they got inside, and sat across three separate couches. Castiel stuck to a bottle of still water while the other men took beer and lagers and Naomi poured a glass of pinot grigio from an open bottle in the wine fridge. Cas leaned lightly on Dean across one couch, Kevin and the other guard, who Dean now knew was a British man named Crowley, lounged on another, and Naomi sat professionally upright on one to herself while they all drank. Dean fidgeted awkwardly, thankful for the beer he was nursing, dreading the inevitable moment where he and his friend were left to talk about the events of the day.

“Dean.” Naomi turned her attentions to him when they were comfortable. Her voice was powerful, demanding, her expression one of self-certainty. You wouldn’t be able to ignore her if you wanted to. He looked up at her, dread behind his eyes, while Castiel squeezed his side in support, inwardly praying she wasn’t too harsh on him, wouldn’t scare him off. 

“I appreciate that you were trying to help Castiel.” She began tactfully. “However, you took some unnecessary risks today and I would prefer it if, in the future, you talk to us as a team before you act. That was not your call to make.” 

Dean sucked in a breath and chewed his lip. He could argue his case, but he thought it might be better, and certainly easier, just to agree to their terms. He did want to be allowed to stay, after all. Besides, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to leave. He definitely couldn’t fly back. He nodded, and she smiled, false and half-hearted, in response. Castiel was eyeing him cautiously, acutely aware how unlike him it was to back down without a fight. 

“Cheers to a terrible day.” Crowley laughed, taking a deep swig of his beer after an imaginary clinking of glasses. 

Castiel rolled his eyes, but joined him in drinking. Naomi’s wine glass was almost empty. She sipped the last of it and stood. 

“I’m going, but I’ll call you tomorrow Castiel, you’re due back on set on Wednesday.” 

Cas nodded and waved as she left. He turned to Dean. “I’m exhausted too, I think I’m gunna go to bed.” 

“Sure, I’ll come up with you.” Dean smiled and offered Cas a hand up, which he took gladly. Between them they made their way up the staircase and onto the landing, where they hovered awkwardly, unsure what to do next. 

“Can you remember the way to your room?” Cas asked quietly, although he would have rather asked Dean to stay with him. 

Dean looked at him. “Yeah… I think…” He began. He didn’t want to be alone, and although the thought of talking through everything sent a shiver down his spine, he knew they needed to get into the habit of discussing their problems. 

“Should we talk first?” Cas tried courageously.

Dean became tense but he nodded, and Castiel led the way back into his own room. Once inside, he pulled off his t-shirt and jeans and tugged some pyjama bottoms over his boxers. He stumbled across to the bathroom and stood wobbling in front of the sink as he brushed his teeth, breathing heavily. Dean spotted his unsteadiness from the bedroom and stood behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist for stability. Cas leaned to spit and his, definitely not tight, definitely not perfect ass pressed into Dean’s hip. He was thankful it was only there for a second, it was hard enough to control himself already.  
  
“Thanks.” Cas smiled, turning to face Dean who didn't move back quickly enough, and suddenly they were pressed against each other, Dean’s face tinging pink as they stared into each other’s eyes. Cas’s gaze darted quickly to Dean’s lips, but before he could move in, Dean stepped back and broke the moment. He smiled and walked him back to the bed, as if the last few seconds hadn’t happened, before using the bathroom himself. Cas felt confused and hurt. Had he really been reading the entire situation wrong? Now that he thought about it, Dean had only ever seemed interested in anything physical, even anything romantic, when drunk. He supposed there was a lot left unsaid, and a lot had changed. He shouldn’t read too much into it, but try telling that to his tired, confused mind.

When Dean was finished using the bathroom himself, they both lay down next to each other, and Dean looked across to Cas, feeling guilty for the mix of emotions he saw there. His heart was still pounding from their close encounter, and he felt uncomfortable about interrupting what would have been a moment between them. But Charlie was right, they both needed time to adjust before they jumped in to anything. 

“Can I explain?” He whispered, rolling onto his side and facing his friend. Cas just nodded, and not for the first time Dean wished he was better at reading people. Normally, he and Cas struggled to hide their thoughts from each other, their connection was usually so strong. But at times like this, when they were both so emotionally heightened and vulnerable, they closed down to everyone, and Dean had no idea what was going on in Castiel’s mind tonight.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” Dean began, and Cas met his eyes. “I got freaked out when I realised how serious all of this is, this paparazzi stuff. Or at least how seriously you all seem to take it. I don’t think I’ve really understood it before now.” 

Oh god. Here comes the point where he realises what a terrible mistake he’s made and tries to leave. This was always going to happen, wasn’t it. Why did he get his hopes up? Why was he so stupid! How could he seriously think he’d want to stay, when his life was this complicated? He wasn’t anything special, after all. Cas remained quiet, playing with his fingers anxiously. He felt partly like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole, partly like he wanted to face his emotions head on, but mostly like he just wanted everything to feel normal. None of this felt normal. 

“Things are never going to be normal with you.” Dean stated, reiterating Castiel’s fears, and he felt his emotions bubbling to the surface without permission. He lifted his hand to his eye, swatting away a rogue tear. “They’re never going to leave you alone while you’re still famous, and you’ll never be able to just do normal things.” Dean continued sadly. “You might still want to be you, Cas, but at the same time, you can’t just be you. You’re not just my friend from across the street any more. Things will never be like they were, and I guess I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with that.” 

Cas began to cry without any chance of stopping, and Dean reached out to him, pulling their foreheads together. Shit, he was actually be about to be let down. He tried to brace himself, but it was no good. This was going to be the death of him. 

“I didn’t mean… Sorry…” Dean muttered as Cas sobbed. He rubbed his back with one hand, fiddling with his hair with the other. He paused, allowing his friend some time to recover before continuing. “Earlier, I didn’t mean to run off… I just freaked out, it’s a lot to deal with. I’m trying really hard though, because you don’t deserve to be alone, and I want to stay here, I want to be here with you. I know it must be lonely Cas, and Charlie pointed out that maybe you need me as much as I need you.”

Castiel sniffed, nodding, as Dean wiped a tear from his cheek. An unbelievable wave of relief washed over him when he realised that Dean wasn’t about to run out on him. He sucked in a breath to calm himself. “I know you didn’t ask for any of this Dean, and it’s different for me because this was my choice. I shouldn’t have expected you to understand or be ok with any of it, but I am lonely, and Charlie’s right, I do need you. More than you realise. Friends are surprisingly hard to find around here.”

Dean smiled sadly and pressed a gentle kiss to Cas’s forehead. Cas pulled his body in so they were flush together, feeling his heart swell a little at Dean’s gesture. Dean closed his eyes, deep in thought, letting himself become aware that it felt so natural, lying in bed together. A part of him started to realise that this was always how his life was going to end up. One way or another, he and Castiel were irretrievably linked, destined to be together in some sense of the word. He came to the slow realisation that, no matter what happened between them, his life was going to be irreparably different. He was never going back to Kansas. 

“I never thanked you, either.” Cas remembered. “For standing up for me. It was reckless and stupid but you did have my back out there, and although you’ve dropped yourself in it rather spectacularly…you really did do me a favour.” 

“Don’t mention it.” Dean smiled, although he felt a sudden sense of dread at the way Castiel was suggesting there would be repercussions. He hadn’t had time yet to let that dawn on him, but he was stupid to think that the press wouldn’t be interested in him after he’d gone out there and defended a Hollywood star like he had done. There were parts of his past that he definitely wasn’t ready to be public knowledge. He’d opened a huge can of worms. “Are you going to kick me out now?” He teased, bringing his attention back to the present. 

“You’re welcome to go if you want.” Cas smirked, but only tightened his grip around Dean’s waist. Dean smiled and brushed through Cas’s hair with his fingers.

“How are you feeling?” Dean asked quietly. 

“Like I’ve been hit by a bus, or three.” Cas grumbled. Dean laughed as he dragged the comforter over them both. “Go to sleep.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a longer chapter for you here, hope you're enjoying. I can't stop writing this fic, it's growing beyond my control. Up to 100k words now, so settle in for a long ride.
> 
> Slightly overwhelmed by the response so far, thank you all so much! Hope you all had a great Christmas and have a happy new year.


	11. Inpatient

Long before the sun had come up, Dean was woken. He groaned, rolling onto his back. Castiel turned toward him where he slept, clinging eagerly to his waist. Dean’s expression morphed into a  grimace as he realised Cas was shivering, and automatically raised the back of his hand to Cas’s sweat dampened forehead, cursing when he felt the burning hot skin and realised his fever had returned. 

“Damnit, not again.” He muttered, pulling the covers back and exposing Castiel’s skin to the air. Castiel was half awake in sick delirium, and tried to protest but his constant teeth chattering made him unintelligible. Dean climbed out of the bed and lifted Cas out with him, dragging him gracelessly by his underarms into the bathroom where he sat him upright against the tub. He crouched over his friend, looking him in the eye. 

“Where’s your Tylenol?” He asked. Cas pointed to the cupboards under the sink, and Dean opened the one nearest him, blushing a little when his eyes landed on several intimate toys on the bottom shelf. Ignoring his sudden, inappropriate arousal, he quickly closed the door, pretending not to have noticed, and searched the next cupboard until he found what he was looking for. He popped out two pills and although Cas glared at him a little, he opened his mouth obediently and swallowed them back. Dean grabbed a washcloth from the sink and ran it under the cold water, quickly wiping it over Cas’s face and neck to try and cool him down.

When Cas continued to shiver, Dean figured he might need some help. He didn’t have Jess on standby here. He rushed to the door and called out, and Kevin came stumbling up the stairs, rubbing his eyes as if he’d been asleep on the couch below. “Can you get a doctor? Cas’s really sick.” Dean explained. Kevin seemed to wake up a little and nodded, hurrying back down the stairs to make his call. 

There was a towel around Cas’s shoulders when Dean got back to him and he sighed, pulling it back off of his friend who complained loudly, but snuggled into his side gladly as he sat down on the tiled floor next to him and threw an arm around his shoulder. They sat like that for forty minutes, Dean’s ass going completely numb before their help arrived in the form of a middle-aged, spectacled blonde doctor who eyed Castiel with concern and intrigue. 

“My name is Dr Foster. What is the situation?” She asked patiently. 

“He had a fever on Friday, a bad one, he was talking shit and his temperature was over 100, but my friend who’s a nurse got him into a cold bath and he seemed to improve. She thought it was his throat, and she gave him these.” Dean explained, handing her the antibiotics that Jess had given Cas. 

The doctor nodded, pulling medical instruments out of her bag. She took Cas’s temperature from his ear and sighed unhappily as she felt the quick beat of his pulse. 

“How do you feel, Castiel?” She asked, lifting his chin to look him in the eye. 

Cas’s eyes were rolling in their sockets and sweat was pouring from his sweltering skin. “Bad.” He croaked. Dean could feel himself panicking and took several deep breaths to hold himself together. Dr Foster’s face gave away her concern and even Kevin, who was leaning in the doorway and watching with an unusually readable expression, looked worried. 

The doctor looked back at Dean and sighed. “We need to admit him to a hospital so we can keep an eye on him. It might only be just for the next day or two but I think he needs some stronger antibiotics and we can only do that by giving them to him intravenously. We’ll also need to take some blood to determine the extent of his infection and try and work out what has caused it.” She explained. 

Dean swallowed and forced himself to nod. To think he’d been worrying about feelings and the media for the last 24 hours while Cas had been quietly deteriorating at his side. He was really sick. “He’ll be alright though, won’t he?” He asked gingerly. 

She nodded and smiled, taking her cell from her pocket and walking back into the bedroom to make the call. He squeezed Cas’s side to reassure him, letting the actor’s head loll onto his shoulder. Dean heard the bedroom door open and Naomi came hurrying into the bathroom looking particularly stressed. 

“What’s happened?” She asked frantically. Dean found himself unable to speak, staring blankly at her in panic as he focused solely on his breathing. Upon noticing his distress, Kevin took over, filling her in on the details. Dr Foster arranged transport and shortly after, Dean found himself in the back of an ambulance as EMT’s lifted Cas onto the stretcher. Dean reached for his hand and squeezed it when he was settled, and they departed. 

Before long, they reached a hospital unlike any Dean had ever been in. It was evident that everything here was expensive and exclusive - from the unnecessarily fancy decor down to the rooms themselves, all private with en-suite bathrooms and hotel style room service. Dean gazed around in wonder as they took Cas into a large room where two nurses and a different doctor were waiting to attend to him. One nurse, a petite young woman with bright eyes, smiled and inserted a line into Cas’s right hand while he grimaced. The other, an older man, hooked him up to a technical looking machine that monitored his vitals, while the doctor flicked through his medical record before turning to them and explaining what bloods they were running and that they were in the process of drawing up some antibiotics to give him. Dean nodded while Cas just stared at him blankly from his foam bed. 

The nurses were quick with their work and the antibiotics were running and finished within twenty minutes, replaced by a large bag of saline, and then suddenly they were alone again. Cas was facing Dean, head twisted awkwardly on the pillow, and his lips were trying to curl into a smile. Dean squeezed Cas’s hand, breathing rhythmically with the quiet beep beep beep of the heart rate monitor. Cas’s own breaths were ragged and fast, and quickly, his eyes closed in sleep. Dean watched him for what seemed like hours, eventually falling asleep with his head sharing Castiel’s pillow. 

 

*

 

The sun was high in the sky by the time they were awoken again; two different nurses knocked at the door, wheeling in a squeaky new drip stand with a second antibiotic dose to replace the saline which had seemingly all but finished. Dean groaned as he sat back upright, stretching the knots out of his back from where he’d slept hunched over in the chair, despite its reclining function. Cas held his arm out obediently as they connected the drip, smiling weakly at them both in thanks. Apparently they had been monitoring Cas’s vitals overnight, and his temperature, heart rate and respiration rate had all improved since his admission. 

As they left he turned to Dean, weak smile still in situ. Dean wanted to make a joke to lighten the mood, but Cas’s pale complexion and tired eyes made him stop. Dean swallowed. He looked awful, and it terrified him.

“You really scared me there.” He admitted quietly. Cas exhaled slowly and reached for Dean’s hand, squeezing it gratefully. 

“Thanks for staying with me.” Cas whispered, voice vibrating, croaking and painful against his red raw throat. 

Dean smirked. “Where else would I go?” He chuckled, and Cas rolled his eyes. 

Their conversation was interrupted by another knock on the door, and through it came several doctors to look through Cas’s charts and review his progress. They occupied them for over twenty minutes by the time they had repeated several blood tests and discussed the previous results. The exchange had tired Castiel out again, and as they left he drifted slowly back to sleep. 

A few hours later, (after Dean had sampled the extensive room service breakfast menu and thoroughly enjoyed his pancakes with bacon), the door opened again, this time to a more familiar face. 

“Dean? Dean Winchester?” The voice came from behind him, making him jump. Dean turned and met the surprised gaze of Castiel’s mother. 

“Evelyn?” He felt himself grinning before he could control himself, and stumbled out of his chair to wrap the older woman in a hug. She hugged him back just as eagerly, a wild smile on her face. As he released her, he took a moment to take her in. The years had not been kind to her. The once perfect skin on her face was now wrinkled and sallow, almost as if she was ill. There were grey streaks through her blonde hair, and she’d had it cut shorter, hanging at her jaw, when it once hung long down her back.

“Look at you! You’re so old.” She said with a laugh. He feigned insult but chuckled anyway. Castiel slept on, obliviously. “I presume you two have made up at last?” 

Dean nodded, smiling. “Yeah, we saw each other again at Sammy’s wedding.” 

“Of course.” Evelyn took a seat next to her son as she began to quiz Dean about his life. Eve was Castiel’s adoptive mother, and they had lived opposite the Winchesters in Kansas when they were young. She had been the closest thing to a mother, perhaps even the closest thing to a parent, that Dean had ever known. He had never admitted it, but some days he had missed her almost as much as he had missed her son. 

“And how is your father?” She asked quietly, a knowing look in her eyes. She already knew he was dead.

“He passed away four years ago.” Dean replied, without emotion. Evelyn made no comment and Dean looked up into her eyes, seeing the truth within. A part of him had always recognised that she knew. She’d always eyed him so carefully. Suspicious every time he was late, delayed, or hurt. She’d raised her eyebrows so many times at the bruises from his ‘hunting trips’ or ‘karate lessons’, but there had always been a warning behind his eyes, and she’d never pursued it directly with him, although she’d hinted after he and Cas stopped talking. He recalled her last words to him. Maybe now he could finally be honest with her. His voice became a whisper, although it hadn’t been his intention. “You knew, didn’t you?” 

Her face softened, and she thought back ten years, to when the two were only teenagers. “I always knew.” She replied quietly, and her mind began to replay the troubled days that had followed Castiel’s heart break.

 

*

 

_Hmm, that was odd. Castiel hadn’t called back down to welcome her home. She’d raised him to be polite, and to respond when someone speaks to you. She’d been away overnight, for business, and although her stomach was rumbling and all she really wanted to do was sneak a biscuit - yes, a biscuit, the diet could wait another day - she thought it was probably worth checking her son was alright. He hadn’t told her he was going anywhere, and he did normally say hello at least, after all. She’d managed to mostly avoid the hormones. Maybe it was all about to change. But then, she thought, trying to ignore the motherly instinct that was twisting in her gut, screaming that something was up, he probably just didn’t hear._

_Evelyn climbed the stairs wearily, planning in her head the long bath she’d take once she’d made them dinner, and her feet walked her automatically to the landing outside of Castiel’s bedroom, but she came to an abrupt stop when she heard the sniffling within. Once she’d opened the door, not caring at all for her son’s privacy, her heart fell. She could just make out the shape of his body, tucked underneath the comforter, shaking with heavy sobs as he poured his heart out into the empty pillow beside him. She frowned, and crossed over towards him, not caring that he was eighteen and would probably be mortified if anyone saw her wrap her arms around him like she did next._

_Initially his body tensed with the surprise of being caught in such a state, but he soon melted against her, and turned in the bed so that his head was against her chest while he cried. She stroked his cheek gently, alarmed at this sudden emotional breakdown and wondering what on earth had changed. He’d been fine yesterday when she left. He’d had plans to go to a party, and spend the night back here with Dean like they usually did._

_Dean._

_Her mind began to wander, worrying about the safety of the boy across the road and his young brother. The younger was only fourteen. Had something happened? Had their bastard father hurt them, or hurt her own son? Her heart twanged as she thought about Dean Winchester, and her inability to save him. There would be hell to pay if he had. No one messed with her son, even if she couldn’t protect his friend._

_After a few more minutes of just being held in a still silence, Castiel pulled back to look up at his mother through a tear ridden face. Her eyes were narrowed and she watched him suspiciously as he tried to wipe away his tears on his shirt sleeve. The uncleanliness of it bugged her, and she wanted to pass him a tissue, but of course, he’d ran out and hadn’t thought to replace them, or ask her to add them to the grocery list. Evelyn ran her hand through her son’s dark hair, and he looked back at her like he still needed her as much as he did when he was just a little boy. He’d grown so much, but he hadn’t changed._

_“What’s happened, sweetheart?” She whispered._

_“I… Dea… we fell out.” He said finally, and it was so obvious there were things he wanted to tell her, but she could see he wasn’t ready yet. Her mind wandered again, wondering what could have caused this sudden argument when the two boys had always been so inseparable. She had a few good ideas._

_“Why did you fall out?” She asked, testing the waters._

_Castiel shook his head, fresh tears swimming to the surface. He rolled onto his back dramatically, rubbing at his eyes and trying to rid them of his sorrow. He wasn’t going to give her the details, that much was clear._

_“Have you tried talking to him?” She suggested calmly._

_“He won’t answer my calls. Sam keeps picking up and saying he doesn’t want to speak to me.” Her son sniffed._

_“Maybe he just needs time.” She said quietly, but somehow she knew that wasn’t true. She knew Dean almost as well as she knew Castiel, and he could be stubborn as anything when he wanted to. If they’d fallen out… god forbid, if they’d fallen out over what she thought they had, then they were in for a rough ride._

_A few tough days later, Evelyn had made an executive decision to try and speak to Dean herself. Castiel hadn’t left the house. He’d refused to get out of bed, refused to shower, he was barely eating. She was grateful it was spring break, but she was beginning to worry she wouldn’t be able to fix this herself. It was obvious how much he needed Dean around._

_It was with a wrinkled nose that she tapped on the peeling front door of the Winchester residence, and when John came to the door, smelling like a liquor store that a car had crashed into, their mutual hatred for each other was immediately apparent. His eyebrows raised in a way that made his face even less appealing than the grizzled, untamed beard did. His eyes were dark, brown and dull, and there was no readable emotion within. He had no will to live. Despite her inner anger, Evelyn forced a smile onto her lips, asked politely if she might come in and speak to his eldest son, to which John grunted, shrugged, and stepped back to allow her entry into the house._

_She took the stairs carefully, two at a time. Trying to avoid not only the inconspicuously sticky patches - probably alcohol spills, she deduced - but the empty beer cans. There was even an air rifle at the top of the steps. This was no place for children, she decided, having never been inside the house before this moment._

_In the hallway, she stopped abruptly, coming face to face with the younger brother, Sam. He was tall and lanky, already taller than his brother and her son, and his mouse brown hair bounced just below his jaw, long and soft. She didn’t usually like long hair on boys, but it had always suited Sam, and she hoped he never changed it. His eyes were bright and perceptive, and he watched her knowingly as she smiled at him politely. He gestured his head to the door on the right, and slipped inside the room to her left._

_Standing outside the door, she knocked, and as she took a step back politely, she paused to take in the battered wood, wondering how many times Dean had had to barricade himself inside, trusting the timber to keep him safe. There were deep dents in the frame, the handle was short a few screws, and there was a strange looking hole in one of the panels. She had to swallow down her panic when she thought about the air rifle she’d seen on the landing._

_There was no answer from within, but Evelyn wasn’t going to leave without having tried at least. Her hand went gingerly to the handle, and as she twisted it, she was relieved to find it open._

_“Sammy, I swear to god.” Dean yelled irritably as she slipped inside, and narrowly avoided a pillow thrown her way. She took a step to the side, eyebrows raised as she shut the door behind her, and Dean’s expression turned from fury to mortified. “Oh!” He hurried. “I… I’m sorry, I thought… I thought you were Sam.”_

_Eve smiled, shrugging her shoulders to indicate her forgiveness. She looked down at Dean for a long moment, taking in his fallen, broken demeanour, his red rimmed, puffy eyes, the pink nose. There was a new darkness to the boy, adding to the deeper one that had always been present. He too, seemed to have confined himself to bed, if the mugs and plates next to it were anything to go by. Her heart went out to him. She had to make this work, she couldn’t let them isolate themselves._

_“Dean.” She said quietly, and edged closer. There were tears in his eyes and she could see how frightened he was. She wanted to tell him it was ok, to tell him she knew his secrets and she could help him if he’d let her, but behind the sadness there was that fierce protectiveness she knew so well, the stubborn accountability that would be his biggest downfall. She could see even now that her efforts would be fruitless._

_For a small instant, she felt grateful. Castiel was hurting desperately, and it was hard to watch, but given time, he’d move on. He had her love and he had everything he needed except for the boy in front of her. He would be ok again one day. The boy in front of her, however, had no such protection. He had no safe haven, no one to turn to, no one to trust. He would turn away every other person that could help him, would never feel like he deserved their help, like he deserved their effort, time, or love._

_Eve reached the bed, and sat down on the springy mattress, while Dean watched her carefully. She could see his mind churning out possibilities, could see the panic within. She let a hand fall gently on his shoulder, thumb stroking his skin, and when he began to cry from the contact alone, she pulled him close and held him as she had held her son, keeping her own tears and sorrows locked away inside._

_Dean stilled quicker than her son had, wiping away tears quickly with an embarrassed hand, staring only at his knees. She let her arm hang over his shoulder, and in time, he looked up to meet her knowing gaze. There was a determination in his eyes, and an apology._

_“You should at least talk to him.” She whispered, but she was unsurprised when Dean shook his head._

_“I can’t.” He croaked, and although she paused for long enough, he didn’t elaborate. “I’m so sorry.” He said, and both of them knew he wasn’t apologising to her._

_“I could help you.” She said quietly, almost begging. “Please, let me help.”_

_He wanted her help. He needed her, he needed her son, needed the happiness they let him feel inside. But it wasn’t meant for him. It broke his heart to do so, but he shook his head._

_It hurt her to leave him like this, to leave knowing she may not see him again, or that if she did it might be because he’d been hurt, but she had to have faith, faith that they’d find their way together again one day, that he’d keep himself and his brother out of the firing line for long enough to outlive the cirrhosis ridden asshole that lived downstairs. Evelyn nodded sadly, pulled Dean close to her for another long moment, planted a kiss to his temple, and stood._

_There was so much pain in his eyes as he watched her leave._

_“Dean.” She whispered, turning at the door, well aware that she wouldn’t see him again for a long time. “Stay safe.”_

 

*

 

“But you never admitted it, and there was nothing more I could do.” Evelyn pulled herself back to the present, aware of the watery eyes of the man next to her. “I did try… I spoke to people, got advice… I even rang child services once…” She told him. She didn't tell him that she’d tried for a whole year. That she’d only stopped when John had caught wind of her interference and got one of his buddies in the police to accuse her of harassment, to keep her away. She didn’t tell him that she’d religiously checked the Kansas obituaries every single day, even after they moved to LA, terrified she might see his name or Sam’s, and that when she’d seen John’s four years ago she had cried with relief. She didn’t tell him that she’d thought about him, and wondered what had become of him, every day for the past ten years, lapping up any snippet of information Castiel had gained from Sam. 

“I always worried about you, particularly when you stopped talking to Castiel… that was because of him, wasn’t it?” She’d always guessed at what had happened between her son and the man in front of her now, despite Castiel’s denials. Call it mother’s intuition, but you’d have had to be blind to ignore their chemistry, even when they were so young. In time, she’d put the pieces together on her own. Dean wouldn’t have willingly cast out Castiel without some sort of reason. It could only have been love, one forbidden by his abusive father. 

Dean nodded and she sighed. “I hated that man for what he was doing to you.” She paused as she took a breath. “I’m not sorry he’s gone. You’re free now. Did he ever hurt Sam?” She remembered how the day after she’d spoken to Dean, the younger Winchester and his girlfriend had knocked on their door, how hand in hand they’d trudged up to his room and how they’d somehow began to build him back up from the floor. 

Dean shook his head as Castiel stirred himself awake and looked over at them. “Mom?” He asked sleepily. Eve smiled at him and leant forward to give him a quick hug. She kissed his cheek lightly as she asked how he was feeling. Dean watched the tinge of pink embarrassment crawl its way up Castiel’s cheeks and grinned childishly at his discomfort. He felt for a moment like he could have been back in their street in Lawrence again, but he refused to let himself feel forlorn about it. It was all in the past, and this was his present and future. Eve was midway through explaining that she had received a call from Naomi when the colour suddenly drained from Cas’s face. 

“Are you alright?” She asked him, alarmed. Dean’s brow had furrowed and he was searching frantically for the call bell to alert the nurses when Castiel finally answered.

“Have you seen the news?” Cas spoke, barely a whisper. 

“I’ve seen _the_ news.” She said. “But I never bother with celebrity gossip… you know that.”

It finally dawned on him that Eve would have been oblivious to the events of the last few days. Dean gawked at his feet awkwardly, wondering if he should offer to leave while they had this conversation. Cas paused for so long that he was starting to get worried, and when he looked up, Castiel was staring at him desperately. Dean just nodded and shrugged, unsure of what else he could do, but try and be there for Cas and encourage him. 

“I don’t quite know how to say this.” Cas mumbled. 

“Just tell me darling, I don’t bite you know.” Eve smiled. Cas closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply.

“Mom… I’m gay.”  

Eve paused for the briefest of moments and blinked. “Is that news? I wasn’t born yesterday sweetheart, I am your mother you know.” 

“You _knew_?” Cas asked incredulously. Dean laughed and stood up, relieved. That went about as well as it could have done, which made a change for them and their track record. He was going to count that as a win. He informed them he was going to get them drinks before leaving them to finish their conversation, smiles following him out of the room. 

“Of course I knew. I’ve always known. You’ve never so much as looked at a girl, have you? Or at least, not because you wanted to. I know you’ve dated the odd female celebrity. But you and Dean were always so inseparable, and then when you fell out… I often wondered…?” She let the question hang in the air, wondering if today would be the day where Castiel finally owned up to the fact. 

Castiel shook his head. “It’s not…like that. Not exactly.” He mumbled, running his hands through his hair. He wished he could open up to her, wished he could open up to anyone about his feelings for Dean, but he didn’t have the courage. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you knew!” 

“I wasn’t aware it was a secret.” Eve shrugged. Dean was backing his way through the door, awkwardly holding three mugs of hot coffee and spilling them slightly as he manoeuvred himself to face them.

“Sorry.” He muttered, as a drop splashed to the floor near Eve’s feet. She held out a hand and took one of the mugs with a grateful smile. “I made it black, with one sugar, I assume that’s still how you like it?” 

She nodded, still smiling happily as she sipped the drink. He placed one on the table next to Cas’s bed, unsure if he’d be strong enough to drink it unaided.

“You seem a little better.” He said to Castiel. Cas nodded and rolled onto his back, fumbling with the bed controls to sit himself upright slightly.  

“I feel better, I think, I don’t remember a lot of last night.” 

Eve stayed with them for another hour, talking about the changes in her life and Castiel’s and asking Dean questions about his own. She hugged them both before she left, and Dean felt much happier for having seen her again, although the encounter had dredged up a lot of old feelings, and he was left a lot more confused than he was before, if that was even possible. He was beginning to think he’d underestimated, even back then, how much he needed Castiel, how much he needed them to be family.

 

*

 

Sometime later in the evening, following a third (and apparently final) antibiotic dose, Cas was discharged home with a nurse to accompany and monitor him over the next 24 hours. By the time they had been collected and had arrived back at the house, Cas was flagging, but insisted on showering before he’d go back to bed. The nurse, an older lady with greying brown hair and a kind expression, whose name was Penny, offered to help, but Castiel insisted he’d manage. Dean helped him upstairs into his bedroom, and by the time he’d sat him on the bed he looked ready to pass out again. 

“You can just go to sleep you know, I won’t judge you.” Dean teased, but Cas was adamant, and in fairness to him, Dean could admit that he’d been particularly hot and sweaty in the last day and his need for a wash was apparent. Dean rolled his eyes but proceeded to track down clean pyjamas and towels to set out ready before he switched on the flow of water. Cas was on his feet as he returned from the bathroom, and he snuck his arm around his waist to steady him where he was swaying, taking one step at a time to guide him. 

Cas sat on the edge of the tub, the walk in shower opposite him. He fumbled with his shirt buttons unsuccessfully until Dean sighed, taking pity and helping him with them. Dean tried not to notice how close he was to Castiel’s toned chest, and resisted the urge to plant a trail of kisses with every button he undid. It definitely wouldn’t go down well at this moment in time, if it ever would. 

After Cas had shrugged off his jeans, Dean looked up at him. 

“You sure you’re gunna be alright?” He asked. Cas nodded, but bit his lip without confidence. Dean took a deep breath. “I’ll leave the door open, I’ll be just outside. Call me if you need me?” Cas nodded again and took Dean’s offered hands to help him stand. He waited until Dean had left the room before slipping his boxers down and stepping slowly under the falling water, letting the warmth wash over his aching joints.

Dean tried desperately to think of anything other than the man, naked, only a few feet away from him in the shower. How the object of his desires would be soaping up his muscled body… it was too late and Dean was too far gone for Cas, he was already hard in his pants. He put a hand on the outside of his jeans and applied a little pressure, hoping to relieve some of the tension there. His mind was wandering, imagining Cas jacking off in the shower, calling out his name… except, Castiel actually was calling out his name. 

As he hurried into the bathroom his arousal dissipated instantly. Cas was curled over on the floor of the shower, head on his knees. Dean rushed toward him and switched off the current of water, pulling off his own shirt and socks before kneeling down next to his friend, keeping his gaze carefully above chest level. 

“Did you pass out?” He asked quietly. 

Castiel’s shoulders raised in a shrug. “I don’t know, almost, I think.”   
  
Dean scrunched his hand through Cas’s hair, a tacky, soapy residue left behind, the shampoo not yet rinsed out. “Let me help.” He whispered. He reached up and took the shower head from its stand, switching it back on as he aimed it into Cas’s hair, rinsing until he was happy it was clean. He switched the water back off before he leant forward and made a show of sniffing Castiel’s neck. Cas looked at him with a mixture of frustration and amusement. 

“What? Just checking you’d used soap already.” Dean smirked. Cas rolled his eyes, but his bemused expression whispered a silent thank you as he let his head fall back against the tiles. Dean stepped out of the shower and reached for the towels he’d found earlier, suddenly pleased he’d gathered more than one when he realised how wet he was himself. He undid his jeans and let them fall to the floor, wrapping a towel around his hips. He picked up the other as he stepped back toward his friend, whose stint on the floor had allowed him to recover a little of his strength, and managed to stand up unaided and cover himself with the towel. 

Dean turned while Cas dried himself off, holding out clean boxers behind his back for him to change into. He was leaning heavily against the wall when he’d dressed, and he allowed Dean to support him back into bed.

“Just sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning.” Dean smiled. He would love to spend the night with his body pressed against Castiel’s, but he had some thinking to do, alone. Cas nodded with a sad smile. Dean ran a hand gingerly through his hair, before retreating reluctantly to sleep in the spare room. 


	12. Restless

A week after Castiel had been discharged from the hospital, he and Dean finally had a whole evening together, alone. He’d been plagued with work and press attention since the reveal of his sexuality and the subsequent introduction of Dean as his mystery defender, so he’d barely had a minute to think about any of it. Even his showers and bathroom breaks seemed to have time limits. 

As he poured out another two beers, Dean smirked. Cas was curled into the couch behind him, casually clad in a grey marl t-shirt with designer sweatpants hung low on his hips, his lower abdomen exposed a tiny bit where his t-shirt had ridden up. He was laughing at the joke Dean had just made, his face contorted into beautiful happiness that Dean found himself admiring as he turned, holding out one of the two pint glasses to his friend. They clinked their glasses together as they drank, already filled with the familiar alcohol fuelled buzz of the beers they’d already consumed. 

“How are you holding up?” Castiel asked when his laughter had subsided and his face had become more serious. 

Dean looked at him with minor irritation, keen not to have the discussion in case it descended to a depth he wasn’t comfortable with yet. “I’m fine, Cas.” 

“You have just come out of a five year relationship Dean, I’d understand if you weren’t. You wanted to marry her, after all.” 

“Seriously, I’m fine.” Dean insisted, lying through his teeth. It might not be Lisa he was concerned with, but he was not fine. Despite the memory foam mattress, he wasn’t sleeping, he was stressed, tired, and generally down, but having an evening to spend just with his friend was picking him up. “I’m more worried about you.” 

Cas took a swig of his beer and swallowed. “I’m doing ok.” He shrugged. “I’m already getting fed up of having to talk about it to the reporters though.” He added. 

“They do seem to be getting more personal. It’s like every time you answer something they grow more balls.” Dean grinned, thinking about the last interview he’d watched. “Have you dated anyone famous?” He mimicked. 

Castiel rolled his eyes and nudged him in the ribs. They sat quietly for a moment until Dean looked up, directing their gazes back together. 

“ _Have_ you dated anyone famous?” He asked, this time serious. 

“Of course I have.” Cas responded, surprised. He reeled off a short list of ex-boyfriends and even an ex-girlfriend. 

Dean raised his eyebrows as if impressed. “Were you actually attracted to her?” He asked curiously. 

“No.” Castiel shook his head. “When I say dated… we went on maybe three dinner dates, she kissed me and I realised I couldn’t even pretend to enjoy it. I have slept with girls before, but uh… it’s always a bit more… uh… difficult.” Cas blushed.

“I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded, it’s probably a point in your favour.” Dean smirked, and Cas nudged him in the ribs, eyes rolling once again. “Who was the best in bed?” 

“What, of people I’ve dated or just everyone I’ve slept with?” Cas asked, that same blush still over his cheeks but returning with force. Dean nodded, fake coughing as he muttered a joking ‘slut’. Cas laughed as his resolve faltered. “I don’t kiss and tell.” 

“Come on Cas, don’t be that guy.” Dean teased, leaning towards his friend.

It took a few more minutes of pleading and a few more gulps of beer before Castiel answered. 

“You.” He said quietly, not meeting Dean’s eyes, preferring to stare at the floor instead.

Dean watched him as if unsurprised, but his heart was racing. “You were my best, too, if its any consolation.” He smiled. 

Cas finally met his eyes, and for the first time in a week he allowed himself to hope. “I think it was an emotional thing. I’ve just never been so close to anyone else.” He admitted. 

Before he could stop himself with self doubt, Dean had leaned forward so that they were only inches apart. Castiel closed the distance, capturing his lips in a short, chaste kiss. Dean pulled back almost as soon as they were done, eyes connecting with his friend’s for the shortest of moments before he sat back upright, instantly regretting it. He was supposed to be controlling himself. Cas swallowed while he eyed him carefully, wishing he could tell what Dean was thinking. Dean shot him a smile.

“Sorry.” He apologised. He racked his brain for an excuse. “Maybe I am still a bit messed up about Lisa.” 

Castiel turned to stare directly in front of him, trying to squash the confused feelings pitted in his stomach and trying desperately to respect his friend’s boundaries. What was Dean playing at? Was  he interested, or just leading him on inadvertently? He never tried anything when he wasn’t drunk. Was that because he didn’t want to, or because he didn’t have the balls to do anything when sober? All of this besides, had Castiel seriously already fallen this far back down that hole? It had taken him years to climb back out, to dampen his love and patch together his broken heart. Maybe having Dean here wasn’t the best idea, but there was no way he would survive letting him go again. 

“Maybe.” He agreed.

 

*

 

 _“Dean!”_ _The persistent voice called again, closer this time. He’d managed to outrun it so far, but he was beginning to struggle. His lungs had forgotten how to work, his legs were wobbling, his vision blurring. Please god not now. He had to get away from the voice. He had to make it out. He’d avoided him so far, through the rest of spring break, wasn’t that enough of a message? He choked in a breath, unsure when he’d be able to force down another. The school’s corridor walls were closing in on him, weren’t they? The whole picture was starting to go dark, and he stumbled._

_A sharp snag on the back of his t-shirt proved his attempt at fleeing unsuccessful. His back was thrown against the lockers, pressed awkwardly against a padlock. Deft fingers were curled in his shirt, pinning him against the cold metal behind. There was a terrifying anger in Castiel’s eyes. He hadn’t known him capable of such rage. The deep blue he was so fond of was immeasurably darkened, the surrounding lids narrowed in frustration. He wriggled, trying to get free, but like the prey he was, he failed. Castiel was stronger, and he was weak. He could submit, should he submit?_

_Behind the anger, there was fear, and sorrow. They were both terrified. He was scared beyond belief, and his heart had no chance of ever being mended, irreparably broken. He could have been looking in a mirror._

_“What is going on here?” A teacher, the drama teacher, Mrs Peverell. Castiel’s drama teacher. She broke through the crowd of growing students, eyebrows raised at the sight of her star pupil threatening his friend. She stared blankly for a few moments, while he looked back at her with shock in his already wide eyes. He watched as her eyes darted to the skin near his hip, to the dark purple marks left by his latest torment. The t-shirt had ridden up where Castiel pinned it. In the interruption, he pushed free, and hastily pulled the shirt back down, covering his wounds. She was suspicious, and he was in trouble. Castiel let him go, those dark, confused eyes not leaving his face, but he couldn’t look back at him again, not now he’d seen the pain he’d caused. He was just as bad as_ him _, wasn’t he? Hurting everyone he cared about._

_They were dragged away together, at either side of the drama teacher, and when she led them both into the isolation room, he begged her not to be left alone with the other boy, but she only raised her eyebrows, and locked them in while she went to fetch the principal. His hands hammered against the door, pleading for an escape, and Castiel watched with heartbroken ignorance._

_“She’s not coming back.” Castiel snapped irritably after a few moments of continuous pounding on the door. He’d managed to shut out the reality until now. Banging on the door had helped him to forget that he was trapped in here with him. He didn’t like small spaces at the best of times. At the sound of his voice he began to close up again, and he began to fear for the first time that he might slip up. How could he hold himself back when it was Castiel?  When all he wanted was to go to him, to wrap his arms around him and be held in return. He choked, swallowing in a slither of oxygen to fight his dizziness, and his hands stilled. When he tried to breathe again, his panic took over entirely, and he was on the floor before he’d consciously decided to give in._

_He was vaguely aware of Castiel at his side, and he thought for the smallest of moments that he was pleased he was there with him. Castiel was calling his name, and he was trying to respond, truly trying, but you can’t talk when there isn’t any air left in your body._

_“Breathe, goddamnit.”  Castiel shouted, those long fingers, the ones he would never admit he’d dreamed about, reaching out and cupping his cheek. Castiel exaggerated his breaths, and he clung to the familiarity, relief washing in with oxygen as his lungs finally opened and his vision cleared, the clarity showing the tears on Castiel’s cheeks. There were tears on his own cheeks too. His arms went out automatically, a reflex reaction he hadn’t given permission to, but Castiel just stared at them until he dropped them back down. He sucked in a breath, and thanked his lucky stars. If he’d fallen into his arms at that moment, he didn’t think he’d have been able to lie._

_“Cas.” He breathed, and Castiel gave him a half smile, concerned yet sorrowful. His expression was calculating, and he could see he thought he had it worked out, but he was wrong. It was nothing and everything to do with his sexuality, but it wasn’t his own opinion that mattered. It was killing him that he thought that little of him, but what else could he do? He couldn’t tell the truth. “We can’t be friends.”_

 

_*_

 

When Dean woke there were tears in his eyes. He was grateful beyond belief for the point they had reached, and yet there was still so much pain. Why did he create so much pain? The wounds he’d acquired as a young man still were so real, both physical and emotional. He was damaged beyond complete repair, that much was for sure. Castiel deserved a better friend. 

And yet, he needed Castiel now as much as ever. 

He glanced over to the clock, red digital numbers displaying the time, 02.08am. Dean sniffed, swatting the tears away with his hands and trying to take a deep breath to dispel the nightmare. It had felt so real. He could remember what had happened next. The events of those few weeks were permanently imprinted on his soul, they had tortured him night after night for years, but it had been some time since he’d had that particular dream. He could remember how the teacher, Mrs Peverell, returned for them minutes later, how she and the principal had entered the room and stood looking down at them both. He remembered how coolly Castiel had answered. _No, it won’t happen again. He’s made it very clear that we are no longer friends._ He remembered the pain in his voice.

He remembered how Mrs Peverell had let Castiel go, back to whatever class he was late for. How she’d insisted he stay behind with blatant suspicion in her eyes. He remembered her asking to see his bruise, and how he’d had to show her to avoid mistrust. He’d tried telling her that he’d got them - there had been more than one mark on his body - when he went hunting with his father. She’d seen straight through him, and he’d changed his story, said he’d got into a fight with Sammy. Her eyes had been as accusing as Evelyn’s had. He remembered how he’d lied when she asked him if he was safe at home.

How different would his life have been, he wondered for the thousandth time, if he’d told her the truth? Had he done the right thing in leaving himself vulnerable, to protect Sam and Cas? Would they really have been split up? 

It was no use pondering these questions any more. He had made his decisions long ago and he had to live with them and their results. No matter what he’d been through, his life was finally back on track, and he had to be thankful for that. Castiel was asleep in his room just down the hall, and if he wanted, he could go to him. He hadn’t had that option before. 

Dean smiled at the thought of Castiel, and suddenly his heart was yearning for him. He blamed it on seeing Evelyn again, after all these years. Their reunion the other day had dredged everything back up. Without another thought, he pulled back the comforter, and slipped out of bed. He padded barefoot down the corridor’s squashy carpets, pleased for the t-shirt he’d slept in now the heating wasn’t on, and slipped quickly into Cas’s room, climbing into the bed without grace when he reached it. 

Castiel didn’t stir, but Dean wanted to hear his voice. He placed his hand lightly on his shoulder, but had to stroke down his arm to get him to come to. Cas blinked in surprise when he jolted awake, confused eyes taking in the sight of his friend next to him, skin pale and sweaty, terror in his eyes. His eyebrows automatically raised, and his arms wrapped around Dean’s waist without a second thought. 

“Are you ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Cas whispered into the night. The corners of Dean’s lips quirked into an ironic half-smile. Castiel wasn’t wrong. There were tears in his eyes that he tried to blink back, but they fell without his permission. Cas lifted his fingers and wiped them away, confused, alarmed, and overwhelmingly sad. 

“Nightmare.” Dean responded quietly. “Didn’t want to be alone.” 

Staring into Castiel’s eyes, the pain was suddenly very real again. Even though they’d made up, and everyone had come out of it alive, their years of lost time was his biggest regret.

“You’ll never be alone again.” Cas smiled, and he buried his face into Dean’s hair when he nuzzled into his neck.

“Thanks for being there for me. You’ve always been there for me. Even after everything I did.” Dean said softly. 

The words struck a strange chord with Castiel and his eyebrows furrowed, unbeknownst to Dean. A vague nagging at the back of his mind formulated into a scene he’d replayed a thousand times, unsure if it had been real or imagined. “Did that really happen?” He asked quietly. “Before I left for school? That piece of glass… that… you didn’t fall on their wedding photo, did you?”

He felt Dean’s head shake against his skin, and he sucked in a breath, pressing a kiss into his hair as the memory he thought he’d dreamt forced its way to the surface. 

 

*

 

_The joint was a good one. It tasted earthy and with every inhale he felt his nerves escaping, his inhibitions lowering, his pain reducing. He grinned to himself as he tried to blow a smoke ring. He’d never been any good at that. He’d had almost the whole joint, his second, and his bottle of scotch - something he’d stolen half full from his mother’s cupboard - was all but empty. He heard a loud noise and panicked, his first thought being that his mother had woken up, would find her special only son smoking marijuana and drinking by himself at half three in the morning in their back yard. He dropped the joint into the ground, panicking, and downed the rest of the scotch in a hot, burning gulp._

_The loud noise was followed by several quieter noises, and it took him a few moments to realise that the sounds weren’t coming from inside the house, but outside. He was pretty high, and a little drunk, but when he worked out that the noise was their gate opening, instead of running away in case of robbery, he took the steps toward it in confrontation, glass bottle in hand._

_Castiel was met with wide green eyes, set into a sweating, shaking, pale face. His head cocked to the side in surprise and he smiled until he remembered they weren’t friends any more. Dean was terrified, that much was easy to see. But what was he scared of? Cas let his eyes roam over the body he was once allowed to explore, and his gaze lingered on the outstretched hand in front of him. He took it without thinking, aware that Dean needed help with something, but he let go quickly when he realised it was wet, and when he looked at his own hand his fingers rubbed into the sticky red substance that had been left on them by the touch._

_“Hi.” Dean whispered, but his breathing was shallow. Through panic or pain Castiel couldn’t tell.  He looked a bit like he might pass out at any given moment. “Can I come in?”_

_Castiel suddenly remembered he was mad at Dean and his eyebrows furrowed, forgetting all about the blood on his fingers. “Why?” He hissed bitterly. Dean winced at the anger in his tone. He looked away, wondering if this was the point where he’d be given an explanation, and shrugged. “I guess you can come in. I’m leaving for school in two weeks anyway.”_

_“You got in?” Dean’s voice was weak, but there was a happy lilt to the tone._

_He glanced back up to Dean’s face, catching the fade in his liveliness just in time to step toward him and prop him up as he toppled forward. Confusion turned into alarm, and as Dean came to against his arm, Cas dragged him toward the house with a surprising strength, lifting him into the living room and lying him down on the brown leather couch. Dean was wincing in pain and the smallest sounds were escaping his lips, and without thinking Cas pulled on his t-shirt and dragged it over his head, exposing his torn abdomen below._

_There was a dark fear in Dean’s eyes, but Castiel wasn’t looking at his face. There were light scratches over most of his belly, scratches that would heal, but above his right hip there was blood, a pool of it surrounding a fairly substantial shard of glass that was stuck in his skin, protruding upwards, its splinters digging into the surrounding flesh. Castiel was out of it, but not that out of it. Dean was obviously not in the right place, and he knew he should back away and call 911, but Dean’s head was shaking and he was begging._

_“You need to go to the emergency room.” Cas whispered frantically, kneeling over him, still aware that his mother was asleep upstairs._

_“No.” Dean breathed. “Can’t.”_

_Cas shook his head at the other boy’s stubbornness. “What did you do?”_

_“I fell.” Dean hissed, lying. Castiel hadn’t noticed that there were deep bruises and scratches on his back too.“My parent’s wedding photo.”_

_He hadn’t remembered the photo being that big, but he thought nothing more of it. “What do you want me to do?” Cas asked. “I think I should get my mom.”_

_“No.” Dean whined, voice strained by the pain. His hand shot out and he grabbed Castiel by the arm. “Just you. Help me, please.”_

_“I can’t, Dean, you need a doctor.” Cas protested._

_“No. Please. Cas, please.”_

_Castiel rolled his eyes in annoyance, the weed keeping the edge off of the realisation of how serious it was. Dean still held his arm, but his fingers slipped down to his hand and he lifted it, guiding it to his wound. He winced again when Cas touched the glass, but he tried not to let his pain show. He couldn’t get professional help, because his dad would find out. He’d do it himself, but he kept passing out at the sight._

_“What if you get permanent damage because I don’t know what I’m doing?” Cas whispered, frantic._

_“It’ll be on my own head. Please, Cas, get it out.” Every word was painful, every breath. Cas paused for a long moment, but nodded once, and scurried off to the kitchen, returning moments later with two clean towels, a first aid kit, and some paper tissue. He tossed one of the towels up to Dean, to bite on._

_“Ready?” Cas asked quietly, and Dean nodded, towel between his teeth. “Three… two… one.” He pulled the glass upwards, and even through the towel he heard the pained noise Dean let out. He dumped the glass gracelessly on the tissue, and held the other towel down on the wound to stem the bleeding, while Dean writhed underneath him in agony. It hurt to see him like this. He still cared so deeply for this boy, his friend. With his spare arm, he bent over Dean and lifted his head toward his own chest, and Dean clutched back at him desperately while he cried from the pain._

_A few minutes later, when the bleeding had settled, Castiel washed the scratches, removed the splinters and dressed the wound to the best of his unpracticed ability. Dean watched him silently while he worked, wordlessly grateful. His heart ached for the boy who’d been his saving grace on so many occasions. He knew Castiel was drunk or high or both, he could smell it on his skin, and he prayed that he wouldn’t remember this encounter, that he wouldn't realise he still needed him as much as he did. It was safer that way._

_Once he was finished, Castiel sat back on his knees, and looked up at Dean, proud of his work.  Dean pulled himself up into sitting, wincing at the discomfort, and took the washcloth from Cas’s hands, using it to wipe his own blood off of the leather seats, drying it roughly with the towel he’d chewed on. Castiel joined him on the couch shortly after._

_Without a second thought, Dean leaned suddenly forward and enveloped Castiel in a hug, burying his face into the other boy’s neck. Cas hummed as he pressed against Dean, enjoying the feeling of being complete again, but somehow aware this was not meant to continue. Dean pulled back slowly, but lay himself down on the cool leather, tugging at Castiel’s skin to do the same. They lay together for some time, entangled in limbs._

_A few long moments passed where they just stared into each other’s eyes, and if Castiel had been more lucid, he might have realised that he’d been wrong about all of his suspicions. At that moment, Dean was so open and vulnerable that he might have told the truth. But Castiel missed his opportunity, the chance disappeared, and he continued with his misguided assumptions that Dean didn’t want a gay friend, that maybe Castiel brought out that side of him in himself. Safe in the knowledge that his secret was secure, Dean found himself instead caught up with lust, and, he figured, if Cas wasn’t questioning what the hell was going on right now, he probably wouldn’t again.  He might even think it was a dream or hallucination. This might even make it seem more likely._

_He moved in hesitantly, but his lips curled into a smile when Cas grinned at him and they connected. Castiel’s lips were chapped, when they were last time so soft, and he could taste the joint and the scotch when his tongue dipped inside him and licked at his own. Dean’s hand found the back of his neck and they pulled each other impossibly close while they kissed, growing erections beginning to rub against the other’s._

_When Dean began to grind his hips forward, Castiel gasped, his hand trailing down to Dean’s jeans and tugging the buttons open roughly. The fingers dived inside, massaging his length through the fabric of his boxers and Dean was letting out a slow whine as Cas dragged them down and let his cock free, hastily wriggling his own pyjama pants out of the way as he took them both in hand, applying glorious pressure and slowly stroking them together._

_Dean moaned into Castiel’s mouth at the perfect harmony of their movements, his tongue pressing deep into Cas, as Cas pulled tight on their cocks. He knew he was leaking and he wouldn’t last long but Cas was almost trembling with the sensation and he wouldn’t be alone. A few pumps later and he came, interrupting their kiss with the groan and the pause and Cas either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care about the come on his hand because he kept pumping and hyper stimulating and he was shaking and twitching when he finally stopped, Castiel’s come joining and mixing with his own._

_They lay together for a long while when they’d cleaned up, and it broke Dean completely to have to leave him on the couch asleep, alone._

 

*

 

“Dean!” Cas said insistently. “Was that real?” 

When Dean finally looked up he seemed partially embarrassed and partially distraught. His cheeks had pinked, the colour suiting him better at least than the grey shock of the nightmare, but his eyes were shedding tears like it was their only purpose. Castiel watched him sadly, taken aback by the sudden realisation, but shifted further back so that he could see, flicking on the lamp as he lifted Dean’s t-shirt, revealing the white mass of dense tissue above his hip where he’d removed the glass all those years ago. 

“I’d thought I dreamt it.” Cas whispered, but Dean shook his head.

“I knew you would. You were drunk.” 

“And high, if I remember rightly.” Castiel admitted. His face hardened. “What had he done to you?”

“He pushed me through the shower screen.” Dean said, and his tone suggested that he was done answering questions on the subject. Cas frowned, wrapping his arms back around his friend, but said no more, holding him close until they were both asleep.


	13. Dinner Party

The next month that passed could only be described as uneventful. Castiel spent most of his time at work, sometimes for days at a time on location shoots, and Dean found himself welcoming in November alone and bored. He could see how easily Cas could get lonely, aside from the maids and other staff, who of course had their own work to be doing, there was very little in the way of company, and even with the pool, gym, games room and cinema, there was only so much Dean could find to do. He couldn’t believe it, but he missed working. Cas called to check in when he could, but his work was demanding, their conversations often short and limited.

On the fourth day of the month, late in the evening, Dean found himself resting his chin on the edge of Cas’s infinity pool, gazing out at the offered panoramic view of the LA skyline. He was even starting to tire of the view, which was beautiful, with the towering buildings lit up and glittering from afar. He was beginning to get chilly, despite the heated water, and was considering going inside when he heard a familiar voice call his name. He turned, and swam to the other edge of the pool to greet his friend. 

“Hey” He smiled. Cas smiled back at him, rubbing at his arms. 

“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.” He complained. 

“It’s not so bad in the pool.” Dean countered, to which Cas smirked. “I didn’t realise you were back so early. Pass me a towel? I’ll get out.” 

They chatted idly through the bathroom door as Dean dried himself off and changed. Cas talked briefly about his week and the role he was playing - some British Tudor king - and Dean laughed at Cas’s British accent. He had a sinking feeling in his stomach through the whole conversation. He felt so out of place here, so much like he didn’t belong. A part of him wanted to run away, but another part wanted to stay, to sacrifice his happiness just for these small moments with Castiel. He was still controlling himself, still hadn’t given in to that urge to kiss Cas senseless every time he saw him, because he still didn’t know which part of him was going to win. His internal battle was leaving him tired, depressed and drained.

“What have you been doing?” Cas asked carefully. “Have you kept yourself occupied?”

Dean shrugged while nodding, keen not to get into this discussion. He’d spent far too much of his time fantasising over his friend, far too much of it masturbating, and far too much of it sitting in a pit of anger and jealousy after he watched Cas’s sex tape. He’d tried to stop himself, but it had been no use. He’d taken to drinking to numb the pain of the emotions he was feeling. He’d never liked feeling. That was the reason he didn’t talk. It was a good job the housekeepers kept an eye on Castiel’s alcohol stores, or he’d have drank them dry. Altogether, he’d spent his time confused and depressed. “Just, y’know, relaxing really.” He said quietly. 

Castiel eyed him suspiciously. “You haven’t been Googling yourself again have you?” 

Dean refused to meet his eyes. 

“Dean!” Cas whined, frustrated. “I told you it wasn’t a good idea. You’ll end up depressed if you keep reading the stupid stuff they’ll make up about you.” 

“It’s not made up though, is it?” Dean muttered. 

Cas sighed, thinking again about the small scars littering Dean’s abdomen. Nothing was sacred in the eyes of the media. He slipped his arms around Dean’s waist and held him close for a few moments. Cas knew first hand how hard it was to deal with constant rumours and gossip, and they knew so little about Dean that they were doing anything they could to find out more. Lisa had given them several interviews, but, as he was pleased to note, her knowledge seemed to be very limited.

“They’ve started on Sammy now.” Dean whispered. 

“I’m sorry.” Cas replied genuinely. He wished he could do more than apologise. 

“It’s not your fault.” Dean insisted. “You can say I told you so, if you like. I brought it on myself. I didn’t listen to you… You tried to warn me…” 

Castiel didn’t know how to reply to that, he certainly didn’t want to rub it in. Dean looked up and met his nervous gaze. “Sam’s a big boy. He’ll be alright. But anyway, Jo said she was going to make burgers for dinner.” He grinned, happy to be changing the subject. 

Castiel raised his eyebrows. “Jo?” He asked, knowing that Dean was referring to the young maid who worked some days in his kitchen. Dean elbowed him in the ribs and rolled his eyes as they made their way downstairs. As if he’d be interested in a stick thin, pretty blonde when Castiel was around.

“I was going to ask.” Cas began. “Some of the cast and crew from the movie are going out for dinner tomorrow night… did you want to come?” 

With a smile, Dean agreed. Whether he’d like any of Cas’s movie friends remained doubtful, considering what an ass Cas could be when he was out in public, but it would be good to get out of the house for a while.

“Are you home now until your birthday?” Dean asked hopefully. They’d planned a party at the house to celebrate Castiel’s turning 29 in a few days. Many A-List celebrities were invited, but Dean was more excited about the fact that Charlie was coming along. Sam and Jess had also been invited, but they both had work commitments. 

Castiel nodded as he greeted Jo and thanked her for the burger she presented him with upon sitting down. Dean was almost drooling at the sight of the thick slab of meat laid between two brioche slices, sauce dripping from the sides. Food was one thing that still made him happy. They continued chatting about anything and everything as they ate, and when they were finished, Castiel excused himself to use the bathroom, and Dean took their plates into the kitchen. 

“I’d have collected those, Dean.” Jo said with a smile. 

“Yeah, I know, but I had to congratulate you on such fantastic burgers.” He laughed. Jo blushed and starting fiddling with the long blonde braid that was hanging over one shoulder. “Seriously though, anytime you want to make those again… they were great.” 

Dean turned to leave but stopped dead when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“Dean?” Jo’s voice was soft and entirely too close to his ear. He turned, with the intention of stopping her, but before he could speak Jo’s lips pressed onto his and he found himself stood rigidly, not wanting to hurt the younger girl’s feelings but not wanting her to get the wrong idea either. He hesitated in panic for a heartbeat too long, and his heart stopped altogether when he heard a throat being cleared impatiently behind him. 

He whipped around to meet the actor’s eyes, which were a little too unfeeling for his liking, looking at him under raised eyebrows. Cas was smiling, and that broke Dean’s heart almost as much as what came next. 

“Cas.” He whispered, grabbing his friends arm and fleeing out of the dining area. “Cas, that wasn’t what it looked like.” 

“It’s alright, Dean.” Cas said with a smile. “I’m glad you’ve found a way to occupy your time.” 

“You don’t understand-” Dean probably sounded desperate but that’s all he could feel. He didn’t know what he expected, maybe for Cas to be a bit, well, _jealous._ That _was_ what was going on here, wasn’t it?

“ - I don’t need to, it’s not any of my business.” Cas stood still and looked him straight in the eye as he said it, so that there was no mistaking. He still had that small smile on his face. Dean felt like he was going to crumble on the spot. He’d always assumed that Cas reciprocated his feelings for him, but now that he thought about it, he’d always been the one to make the first move, and, since they’d made up, Cas had never suggested he wanted more than a friend in Dean. Had he made it all up in his head? Had he fallen for someone who wasn’t interested? 

 

*

 

There was an uncomfortable tension between them for the remainder of the night that followed them into the next day and through to the evening. At 8pm they arrived at a restaurant Dean would never have been able to afford, with modern, pretentious decor, and the kitchen in plain view at the back of the room. Cas shepherded him over to a large circular table with some twelve other people on it. A few faces he recognised as having had minor roles in movies and tv shows he’d watched, and others were complete strangers. Castiel went around and introduced them all to him when they were sat, thankfully next to each other, but most of the names went over Dean’s head, stupid Hollywood names that were all but made up. He made a special effort to remember the name of the woman next to him - an actress, a pretty brunette with grey eyes by the name of Alayna, and the man seated next to Castiel, who sported a mop of blonde hair that Sam would have been envious of, was called Caleb, and apparently was a leading sound technician. 

Alayna smiled as Dean settled into his seat. Castiel was immediately taken up by the attention of Caleb, so he met her gaze happily. 

“Castiel tells me you’re from Kansas?” She asked. Her voice was proper and professional, her accent plain. Dean thought she would have made a good school teacher.

“Born and raised.” Dean nodded with a smile, conscious of his deep accent. “Where are you from?” 

“I’m from New York myself, moved out here when I got my break at 21. It was only a small cameo role but it led to a lot more.” 

Dean realised he was in over his head, and had no idea how to talk to these people. “What are you playing in this movie?” He asked, although really he didn’t care. He could hear Cas laughing loudly next to him, and it made him feel sour. 

“I’m playing Elizabeth of York.” She said, as if Dean should know that already. She was not unpleasant, they were just very different people. When she saw the blank look on his face, she added. “I’m Castiel’s character’s wife.” 

“Oh.” Dean chewed his lip, feeling stupid, inadequate, and out of place. How was he supposed to remember 16th century English history on top of everything else? He fell quiet as complimentary champagne flutes arrived with the menus. His eyes went wide as he regarded the selection of available food - and what they were charging for it - he would never be able to afford to eat anywhere like this, and he had never felt more incongruous. He hadn’t failed to notice the Michelin Stars that adorned the menu. As if sensing his discomfort, Cas’s hand slipped under the table and found his, giving it a quick squeeze in support. Dean was loathe to let it go, but after a heartbeat he squeezed back once and let it drop. 

Having grown quickly bored with Dean, Alayna had turned to her colleague for conversation. Dean glanced over to Caleb, realising instantly that he disliked him intensely. Everything about him was aggravating, from the expensive (dark purple) suit and the ridiculous hair to the frustratingly handsome face, and the way that he was persistently flirting with Cas, and that Cas was sucking it all up. Maybe Cas actually liked this guy. His laugh certainly seemed genuine, and he was obviously a more appropriate match. Oh god, he did like Caleb, didn’t he? This whole time he’d thought… but of course he wouldn’t want him in that way, not after everything he’d done. Dean became even more sour when Caleb ordered a second glass of champagne, having already drained the last of their first glass. What sort of man ordered champagne? Dean scowled when Cas asked the waiter to make it two glasses. As he ordered his starter, he asked for a beer, and was directed to an extensive list at the back of the menu, where he ordered the first one he saw in spite. 

The food was fantastic. Although, Dean thought to himself later, he still wouldn’t pay that much to have it again. To start he enjoyed a strange meat terrine with a small portion of fancy toast, or at least that’s what he was calling it. His main was a steak so big and juicy he thought he’d died and gone to heaven. He loved steaks, and it was particularly good, but this was extortion. He glanced around the table, rolling his eyes at the number of salads the health conscious celebrities were picking at. No one who ordered a salad for their main course was truly happy, he decided. Caleb had raised an eyebrow at his cholesterol heavy meal, and he'd smiled back purposefully. He was pleased to see that Castiel was not amongst the salad club, having compromised on a pasta dish. 

As their plates were being cleared, Caleb must have said something particularly funny, as Cas was laughing louder than Dean had known him to in a long time. Dean rolled his eyes, feeling particularly sorry for himself as he stood and went in search of the bathroom. Cas glanced after him and he mumbled his excuse grumpily, earning a furrowed brow in return. _Let him worry._ He decided bitterly. 

When he’d relieved himself he stood in front of the mirror for a few more moments, wondering if he looked so obviously broken and out of place to everyone out there as he did to himself. He splashed a little water on his face and rubbed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. He really didn’t want to go back out there. He could just run away, he supposed. He wondered, if he refused to go back out there, just how long it would take for Cas to come and see if he was alright. He shook his head from the thought and exited the bathroom, strolling back over to the table with a grumpy manner. 

As soon as he reached the circular table he noticed the change in atmosphere. No one was speaking, everyone shooting awkward gazes at each other. Dean glanced around cautiously as he stood in front of his chair, furrowing his brow. He looked down at Cas, who was staring pointedly at the table in front of him, purposefully not making eye contact. 

“What’s going on?” He asked quietly. A few people exchanged glances, like they were trying not to laugh, and some of the younger actresses at the back of the table looked as though they were trying not to giggle. Cas dropped his head into his hands.

Alayna took a deep breath and stood up. She leaned into his ear. “The guy who’s just walked in, who’s at the bar? That’s Erik.”

Tactlessly, Dean turned on the spot to glare toward the bar. Erik was a tall man, taller than Dean and more muscular, but his pretty boy face and perfectly quaffed hair suggested he’d never been in any sort of conflict. He remembered his face from the sex tape, although it hadn’t been shown much. As if knowing how he’d react, Cas scrambled to his feet and put a hand on Dean’s arm, pulling at him to come back, but his feet were already taking him toward the man who had caused his friend so much pain. 

Before he knew it, Erik was pinned against the wall next to the bar and Dean was breathing out his anger heavily, inches from his face. 

“Got your dog on me, have you Castiel?” Erik taunted, glaring into Dean’s eyes. “Or are you after a threesome now?” 

Dean narrowed his eyes and tightened his fingers around Erik’s shoulders. All he could see was those lips kissing Castiel’s, remembering the way he’d watched them move together, remembering the noises they’d made. It made him feel sick, and it made him feel so much pain and anger. Cas reached out to Dean’s arm, and Dean could see him shaking his head, alarmed, in his peripheral vision. 

“Maybe you just missed me that much?” Erik went on. “I mean, it was a great four months. I know you like to pretend it was just a one off…” 

Castiel inhaled sharply, eyes narrowing, but Dean refused to look at him, keeping his eyes focused on Erik’s. He tried not to show the shock of the revelation, tried not to show how deeply it cut that he was only just finding out about the extent of their relationship. His mind continued to wander, remembering the flash of arousal in Castiel’s blue eyes as the tape had commenced, remembering the smile on Castiel’s face after they’d finished. 

“Dean, leave it.” Cas warned. 

“What’s the problem, Dean?” Erik hissed. “Are you jealous?” 

It was taking everything Dean had not to floor him there and then. If it was obvious to Erik then it was probably obvious to Castiel, and he may well have blown what little chance he had left already. Cas moved his hand from Dean’s arm to the centre of his chest and held it there firmly, pressing him backward. As his common sense caught up, Dean dropped his gaze and exhaled slowly, letting go of Erik and returning his hands to his side. He breathed his anger away as Cas pushed, trying to make Dean step away, but as he went to turn… 

“Worthless piece of shit.” Erik spat. 

Dean’s fist connected with his jaw before he had time to consider what he was doing. Erik fell back against the wall, dropping backwards, out cold. Dean’s arm was still raised, the anger boiling through his blood and coursing through his veins with every heartbeat. He would have hit him again if Cas hadn’t grabbed his arm and pinned it against his side, tugging him away with a strength he didn’t know he possessed. As soon as Cas had pulled him outside his grip began to relax and Dean shook him off angrily. Kevin, who’d been waiting outside, was already at their side, ready to take Dean down at a moments notice, but he paid him no mind. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Cas shouted angrily. “Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?How bad you’ve just made things? Again?” 

Dean’s anger slowed to a chilly, vicious spite, and as his breathing slowed he narrowed his eyes and faced up to Castiel. “He deserved it.” He said quietly, tone laced with malice. 

“You’re such an idiot.” Cas complained. “He could have you for assault… you could go to jail for that.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m pretty sure non-consensual pornography is a more serious offence.” 

“Maybe, but even so you can’t keep acting so recklessly.” 

Dean felt his anger begin surge again. “I can’t believe you’re defending him.” 

And then, just in time to make matters even worse, Caleb exited the restaurant, crossing straight to Castiel. Before he could speak, Dean glared at him so viciously he closed his mouth again. 

“Dean -” Cas began.

“Just fuck off Cas.” Dean yelled as he turned, shaking his head as he began to walk in the opposite direction. He heard Cas call his name but it just left a sour taste in his mouth and he quickened his pace to avoid him. He had no idea where he was going, but he was sure that if he walked for long enough he’d find somewhere he could get away from this place with its stupid, expensive restaurants and its pretentious, privileged, salad loving idiots. 


	14. Resolution

It was dark by the time he stopped walking. He never changed direction. As was the beauty of American cities, he could just walk and walk for as long as he needed. He sniffed and wiped the tears from his eyes, unaware when he’d even started crying. His anger had finally dissipated, but it had left uncovered the painful, throbbing sore over the remains of his heart. He hated getting angry. It made him just as bad as his father. He wondered briefly if his father had hated the way he’d been, if it hadn’t been choice so much as genetics. If he’d felt the same pain and regret. He saw a sign up ahead for a park, and headed toward it. Once inside, he looked around, and spotted a large oak tree in a secluded corner. He headed over, and sat down under it to process the events of the last 24 hours, and the shit-storm of new information that had been revealed. 

Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, he needed to accept the fact that Castiel did not love him back. At least not in the same way. Dean knew that this was going to be the hardest thing to deal with, but he’d lost him once before and didn’t think he’d survive losing him again. His need for Cas went beyond a sexual desire, and if it was only on that level that Cas needed him then he had to learn to live with it, but could he? 

Next, he needed to deal with the fact that Cas and Caleb were apparently into each other. Dean decided his instant dislike for the guy was probably greatly influenced by overwhelming jealousy, and perhaps if he gave him a chance he might grow to tolerate him. _Unlikely._ So much for controlling himself, he realised. But he was in far too deep now. He wanted Cas to be happy. But then… maybe that would come easier if he wasn’t around. No one was happy with him around. 

On a side note, Jo was apparently into him. He couldn’t remember giving her the wrong impression but he supposed he must have led her on at some point. He ought to apologise.

And lastly, Cas had lied to him, at least indirectly. If Erik was to be believed, and god knows Cas hadn’t corrected him, their relationship had spanned four months, four months in which he and Dean had been rebuilding their friendship. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. At the time he had been with Lisa, so it wasn’t as if Castiel had done anything especially wrong, but Dean felt betrayed. Betrayed that Castiel didn’t tell him about Erik. Maybe he didn’t feel like he could. Dean remembered his first trip to LA and the things he had done with Cas and felt another wave of guilt. It seemed he wasn’t the only one who’d been unfaithful that night. He thought back to the night they’d made up and realised he’d never actually bothered to ask, he’d only assumed Cas was single. 

Dean swallowed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He flicked through the contacts before landing on Charlie’s number and hitting call. 

“Hey!” She answered happily. Tears fell from Dean’s closed eyes at the sound of his friend’s voice. He needed her tonight. The radio silence from the other end of the line left her suspicious. “It’s 9.30 here, and you’re… two hours in front… Why are you calling at half 11? Are you ok?” 

“Not really.” He whispered. 

 

*

 

Cas called out after him, and would have followed if Caleb hadn’t held him back, insisting there would be a better time and that Dean would come back when he’d calmed down. Cas was cursing now, wishing he’d listened to his own better judgment and his own knowledge of Dean’s temperament and stubbornness and chased him down like his instinct had suggested. He was still sat on the curb at the edge of the street, head in his hands. Everyone had tried to persuade him to go back inside or to go home and wait for Dean there, but he had shot them all down, infuriated with both Dean and himself. 

It was now well past midnight, and Cas had been so insistent in his staying put to wait that Kevin had eventually called Naomi, and she was now towering over him, asking why her Saturday night was once again being interrupted because of Dean Winchester’s temper. Cas had no answer for her, but the tears that skated his cheeks were enough. She took pity eventually, and perched down next to him, draping an arm loosely across his shoulders while he sobbed. 

“Let us find him, Castiel.” Naomi whispered, and after an agonising pause Cas nodded, climbing eventually to his feet as Kevin radioed his security team to send out a search party. Cas let himself be driven home, heart pounding in his chest every foot of the way. 

Five hours passed without any sign of Dean. There were no phone calls or messages and Cas thought he was going to lose his mind, was wondering if he had already lost it. Naomi had remained at the house, hovering irritably, fetching the occasional coffee, becoming more irritable when Cas wouldn’t drink it and it would go cold. Cas passed the time by pacing the length of his living area, over and over. The fitness tracker he wore on his left wrist had vibrated hours before, informing him that his recommended step goal had completed, and still he paced. He might ache tomorrow, he mused. 

He wished he’d been more supportive at the restaurant. He wished he’d told Caleb to shut up, ignored him in favour of the person that was actually important to him. But he knew deep down he had wanted to make Dean feel jealous. Why had he been such an idiot? He wondered repeatedly. Why was he such a coward? If he could have just told Dean how he felt… but then… he was starting doubt that the feeling was mutual. He was embarrassed about the way he’d reacted after Jo, so petty and jealous, but it had cut him deeply. His heart was already hurting, and now the pain felt worse than before, where the scab had been torn off the healing flesh. 

At 5.24am there was a loud noise, the intercom buzzing for the front gate, and Cas froze, desperate for any news. Naomi headed toward it cautiously and lifted the phone, listening to the message being given to her. 

“There’s a woman at the gate who says she knows you.” Naomi relayed. “Her name is Charlie and she says she’s heard from Dean.” 

“Charlie?!” Cas asked, surprised by the sudden turn of events. “What’s she doing here? Send her up.” 

The redhead was shown to the door and Castiel waited for her anxiously, greeting her nervously as he welcomed her indoors. Charlie stepped inside and whistled, impressed by the building, but Cas was staring at her impatiently. 

“What the hell has happened now?” She asked in an irritable manner as Cas took her wet coat and hung it up on the rack. The weather had taken a turn for the worse in the last hour and the rain was now lashing down. “He called me in such a state. He said you’d argued again and that he’d stormed off.” 

“When did he call you? Did he say where he was?” Cas asked. Naomi stood at his side, ready to call Kevin and update him with any further information. 

“He called hours ago, at 11.30, but I didn’t have any way of getting in touch except for your address so I thought I’d just get the next flight out. Figured I might have to bash some heads together to get you two talking again. He might not be there anymore, but he said he was in a park, that he’d walked straight for hours and that’s where he’d ended up. I did try calling again when I landed but he’s going straight to voicemail.” She informed him sadly. Naomi nodded and stepped out of the room to make the call, leaving them alone. Cas frowned, running his hands over his tired, stinging eyes. “What’s going on with you two?” Charlie asked. 

“I don’t know where to start.” Cas sighed, leading her to the couch and sitting down. 

Charlie took a seat next to him, and dragged a fur blanket around her shivering shoulders. Cas liked how easily she made herself at home. She gave less consideration to who he was and where she was than even Dean had. “The very beginning.” She insisted. 

“How much do you know?” He asked cautiously. He knew they were close, but he wasn’t sure how close.  

“More than you think I do, I expect. I’ll take the blame for anything you say that he hasn’t told me personally.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes, sure that this was a bad idea, but he was hurting and there was a lot he wanted to get off of his chest, he needed to talk as much as she needed to understand. God knows he needed help. Dean probably needed help too. He nodded, taking a deep breath. 

“Dean and I met when I moved into his street when we were only little, and we were going to the same school, so my mom would drive him to help his dad out, you know, because his mom hadn't long died.” Cas paused as Charlie nodded, this much she knew. “And we were best friends right up until we were 18, when one night we’d been to this party and we were drunk and we argued. I told him I was gay, well, he guessed and I didn’t deny it. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together."

“The thing was, and I didn’t know this until the night before Sam’s wedding, the whole time his dad had been abusing him, just him, not Sam. Sam doesn’t even know about it. Apparently it was obvious, and Dean says even my mom worked it out, but although I had my suspicions things weren’t quite right I never realised. His dad was really homophobic and Dean had freaked out over what his dad would do to him, to Sam, and apparently to me if he found out what we’d done. He’d  always had these panic attacks and at first I thought he was just having one and he’d calm down but he never did.” 

“Jesus.” Charlie muttered, face having fallen. “That explains a lot.” 

Cas tried to smile at her but he couldn’t find it in him. 

“Go on.” She urged him. Cas nodded and took a deep breath.

“I tried Charlie, hell I called him every day, confronted him at school… but you know how he is, he just refused to talk. He turned up once in the middle of the night, not long before I left. I thought it was a dream because I was so drunk but it wasn’t. His dad had hurt him and he needed my help. I think we made out again, but when I woke up he was gone and I thought I’d imagined it all. After that, it was ten years before I saw him again at the wedding.” 

“So it was really hard on both of us when we saw each other again, and he came up to my room in the early hours, and he finally explained and I forgave him. I still feel so fucking guilty for not working it out, for leaving him alone in that situation when anything could have happened…” He sighed as he ran his hands through his hair to hide his pain. “But anyway… after the wedding I went up to bed, and he stayed again after he’d argued with Lisa, and he kissed me.” 

“He kissed you _then_?” Charlie asked, eyebrows raised. 

“Yeah, but we were both really drunk and we stopped it and I let it go. I guess there was just so much unresolved between us.” Cas sighed and Charlie nodded. “Then a while later he came here, and the one night we went out and this girl had been flirting with me so I kissed her. You know, just keeping up appearances, but Dean saw and he dragged me off to the bathroom and again we argued and he told me I wasn’t being honest with myself, and I said he wasn’t either, and… well, we ended up…” Cas trailed off at Charlie’s encouraging nod. “The next morning he started asking me if he was gay. I thought he’d have that figured out by now.”

“He’s just been in denial his whole life. He’s had to be. It’s no surprise really, if his dad was so bad.” Charlie smiled sadly.

Cas shrugged. “I’m still not sure he has it figured out even now. Anyway, I don’t think anything happened at Dean’s place that you don’t know about. And then we came here. He took care of me that first night here when I was sick, but he’s stayed in his own room since, came in once in the middle of the night after a nightmare actually. We did kiss once…” He paused. “But again we’d been drinking and he said he was just messed up about Lisa. He’s been here a month, and initially I thought he was ok, but recently he’s just been so quiet. I’ve had to spend a lot of time away at work, so he’s been alone a lot, and he’s been Googling himself and reading all the speculation and the stuff they’re digging up about his mom and about Sam and his dad… I’m scared its driving him mad, or at least into depression. His mental health has never exactly been stable.” 

Charlie eyed Cas nervously but put her hand on his shoulder in support. He met her eyes and she wondered when he’d started crying again. “So what happened last night?” She asked gently. 

“Well actually I think it started yesterday.” He explained through his tears. “I got home late and after dinner I went to the bathroom, and when I came back I caught him kissing Jo, one of the girls who works in my kitchen.” 

Charlie furrowed her brow in surprise. “Really?” Cas nodded. “What did you say?” 

“I told him it was ok, and that it was none of my business who he was kissing.” 

With a roll of her eyes, Charlie groaned. “Yeah because that’s exactly the message you wanted to give him? Ok, so what happened last night?” 

Castiel blushed. “Yeah… so to be honest I’d been a bit off with him all day about Jo, and we went out for dinner with some of the cast and crew of the movie I’m making, and I could see he felt really out of place and I wanted to be supportive but Caleb, one of the sound technicians, wouldn’t shut up for long enough. He’s a bit of a dick, but he’s actually quite funny. Plus I was still kinda in a mood with him and ugh…” He paused to rub at his eyes. “I know it’s my fault, I know I could have done better… but anyway, Erik, the model who released the sex tape? He turned up, and before I could stop him Dean had him pinned against the wall and I’ve never seen such anger in him, he was scaring me. Erik kept antagonising him and managed to drop in the fact that we’d been sleeping together for four months when I’d told the paparazzi it was a one night stand, and Dean didn’t know that… I never really knew how to tell him and he never asked. It was just a friends with benefits thing.” 

“But Erik called him a worthless piece of shit and Dean knocked him out. I remember his dad calling him that once or twice so I think it triggered him off. I took him outside and I was angry that he was being so reckless again and I yelled at him, but he told me to fuck off and he stormed off. I would have gone after him, should have, but Caleb told me not to and now I don’t know where he is or why he hasn’t come back.” 

As Castiel finished his story he exhaled slowly before letting a new wave of sorrow wash out of him. Charlie put her arm around his back and pulled him into her. 

“You two are as bad as each other. That guy had it coming, though.” She said. “I think I’d have knocked him out too if I was there.” Cas chuckled through his sobs with a nod. Charlie waited until his tears had subsided again before leaning back to look at him. “How long have you been in love with Dean?” 

Cas looked at the floor. “I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t.” He admitted. “I managed to pretend for a long time… but it was just a lie.” 

Charlie smiled sadly. “He hasn’t admitted anything to me. But it wouldn’t surprise me if he felt the same, I’ve never seen him act so weirdly about anyone. He cares about you a lot, and I’ve never known him to question who he is because of someone else.” 

“I don’t think he knows who he is or what he wants right now.” Cas whispered, looking up at Charlie. “How do I get him to fit in?” 

“Dean’s never had trouble fitting in anywhere he wants to, Cas. He can make friends if he needs to. But I think he needs to figure himself out before he can worry about other people, I mean you’re both pretty stressed. When he’s ready it’ll come naturally.” 

“I hope so. I want him to be a part of my life, Charlie, but I don’t know if it’s what he wants.” 

“I think it is… I believe it is. He’s just wrapped up in his own head at the moment. I truly think he loves you too, but it’s messing with his head. You’ve got to remember this goes against everything he’s had drummed into him since he was a kid, and that he only just broke up with Lisa.  Plus it’s not as simple as being in love with a man, Cas, because you’re you and there’s a lot of extra stuff he’s got to come to terms with. He’s already half famous, and that will only get worse if he chooses to stick with it. You have to remember that this was your choice, not his, and he’s gotta choose it too for you to work.” 

“I hope you’re right, Charlie, I really do. But I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same.” Cas sighed, his hands running through his hair. “I just… he’s never tried anything when he isn’t drunk -”

“-Maybe he hasn't got the balls?” Charlie interjected.

“You didn’t see him with Jo.” He breathed, dejectedly. He shook his head. Whatever was going to happen now was out of his control. “Thank you for coming.” 

“You’re welcome. It looks like you needed me as much as he does.” She smiled. 

 

*

 

It was dark, raining, and cold, and Kevin had had just about enough when he suddenly saw a sign up ahead for a park. Perhaps this was the one Naomi had called him about? He took the left turn into it. 

“Dean?” He called out, but there was no response. He rolled his eyes, but continued walking around the park, looking out for secluded spots he could have hidden in. A few minutes in, his eyes landed on an old oak tree, its branches dark against the lightening sky, its leaves having long been claimed by fall. His gaze darted to the base of it as he neared the tree, and he sighed gratefully when he saw the damp figure huddled beneath it. 

“Dean?” He repeated quietly, edging closer to the man under the tree. Dean looked up with alarm, and Kevin held out his hands in peace. He was watched nervously as he sat down beside him. “What are you doing out here?” He asked carefully. 

“I’m not going back there with you.” Dean whispered. 

Kevin turned to look at him, but his gaze was left unmet. “Ok.” He sighed, groaning internally. His pay check might be generous, but he wasn’t contracted to cover counselling sessions. Maybe Justin Bieber was hiring. “Can I ask why? Castiel will want to know.” 

“Just tell him I can’t do this any more.” 

“So… that’s it? You’re just giving up?” Kevin asked, irritated. “And didn’t you tell him that once before? That didn’t go so well, did it?” 

Dean turned to look at the security guard, annoyed and surprised at Kevin’s knowledge. He supposed when you’re present for most of a person’s life you get to know them on an intimate level. “You have no idea what’s going on here.” He said angrily, although he suspected Kevin probably knew more than he thought he did. “And it won’t be forever, I just need some time.” 

“So I’ll pencil you into his diary for another ten years down the line shall I?” Kevin knew he was hitting close to home, he was just hoping he could shame Dean into coming back with him. “Look, I think you have every right to be annoyed. Because if it’d been me in your shoes I’d have knocked that guy out even earlier. But I don’t think that’s really the problem here, is it?”

“You know, Castiel has been much more pleasant to work for since you came back into his life. He’s a happier person, and I think you might be too. I don’t know you well, but you’d have to be an idiot not to notice how happy you two make each other on a good day. I know you’ve both had your fair share of rough patches in the last few months, but if you just talked to each other properly I’m sure you could make it work. Just make sure you know what you’re giving up.” 

Kevin stood up and turned to leave, would have started walking away if Dean hadn’t started shaking with sobs at that moment. He’d hoped it would be enough to elicit a reaction. Kevin sighed, taking pity, and kneeled back down. “I don’t get paid enough for this job.” He muttered. “What actually is it that’s upsetting you? The life? Your feelings?”

“I… I love him.” Dean wept. “But I’ve already lost him.”

“No, you haven’t.” Kevin said, frustrated both with his boss and with the man in front of him. “Do you know what he’s doing right now? What he’s been doing for the last… however many hours its been since you ran off?” Dean shook his head and Kevin continued. “Pacing, crying, and not talking to anyone. He’s a mess back there Dean, you can’t just give up. I’m not going to pretend there isn’t a hell of a lot of stuff you two need to sit down and talk about… like I don’t know for sure that he feels the same but it’d surprise me if he didn’t. He cares about you more than you realise. Don’t throw it away.” 

Silence took them for a few minutes while Dean’s mind went wild. Kevin was right, he couldn’t just give up no matter how tempting the thought was, and it was going to be hard but maybe, just maybe, they could reach a point where they were ok again. He needed Cas, after all. Needed his friend more than he needed him as a lover. He’d always regret it if he didn’t at least try. He’d regretted it the last time. And even if he couldn’t handle it, Castiel deserved a goodbye at the very least.

Dean took a deep breath and nodded reluctantly. Kevin stood up and offered his hand out to Dean who took it gladly, pulling himself up. He felt rotten. He was tired, damp, cold, hungry, as well as mentally exhausted. Kevin radioed for a car and they walked back out to the street, only needing to wait a few minutes for their lift to arrive. Dean swallowed, panic rising in his chest. He had no idea what he was going to say to Cas when they got back. 

The journey back to Castiel’s house took less time than Dean would have liked. The car’s dashboard lit up the time - 6.13am. Dean hadn’t realised it had got so late, or early, but when he looked outside the sky was bluer than it was black. The car pulled up at the end of the driveway and Dean took a deep breath before stepping out of it. 

He glanced up at the door, breath catching when he saw Cas in the doorway, waiting for him, relief written all over his face. Cas stepped aside to let Kevin through and Dean realised he hadn’t moved, and forced himself to step, once, twice, three times up to the door, reminding his lungs to suck in air with every little movement. He lifted his gaze slowly and swallowed when his eyes met Castiel’s. Kevin hadn’t been lying, Cas was in a state. His eyes were red and lined with purple bags, and his hair was stuck up in all different directions like he’d kept running his hands through it. Dean wanted nothing more than to run his own hands through it. He figured he didn't look much better. It had rained at some point in the night and his clothes were soggy, and his eyes were probably just as bloodshot. 

The moment grew awkward, despite Castiel’s intention not to let that happen. He forced his lips into a smile, although the pain was unbearable, and took the last step forward to close the distance between himself and his friend, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean’s neck and back. Dean’s own arms slipped around his waist, but the tightness was lacking, the conviction not there. Cas held back his sob and gripped Dean closer. 

“I’m so sorry.” Cas whispered into Dean’s neck, sending goosebumps down his spine.

“Me too.” Dean said quietly in response. After a few moments Cas relaxed his grip and let his arms drop to the sides, stepping back to let Dean inside. Dean stepped forward and dragged his wet jacket off of his shoulders. He went to hang it on the rack but Cas intercepted it, explaining he’d put it with his dry cleaning. 

“There’s someone here for you.” Cas added, gesturing behind Dean.

Dean turned and felt a wave of relief wash over him when he saw Charlie standing behind him, smiling. He stepped forward and wrapped her into a tight embrace which she returned gladly. Castiel noted sadly the fervour with which Dean greeted her, and felt an onset of panic and dread when he compared it to his own hug. Cas took Dean’s jacket out to the utility room, and allowed himself to cry earnestly. 

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Dean whispered. “I don’t know what to do.” 

Charlie leaned back to press her forehead against Dean’s. “Just tell him the truth. Tell him how you’re feeling and why you’re so upset. He’s broken too, Dean. We’ve been talking and he’s a mess. He needs you just as much as you need him, so just talk to him, properly. But for god’s sake be clear about what you want.” 

“I’m so scared.” He choked back a sob. 

“I know. But he’s scared too.” 

Castiel returned to the room and Charlie let Dean go slowly. She could tell instantly that Cas had been crying again, but Dean was struggling to look at him altogether. Both men were silent for what seemed like an age. 

“We all need to get some sleep.” Charlie decided, looking between the two. “Things will make more sense in the morning… or afternoon I suppose.” 

Cas bit his lip, glancing at Dean, but nodded unhappily. He gestured for Charlie to follow, and the three of them walked upstairs slowly. Dean slipped immediately into his room. Cas watched the door close sadly. 

“He’ll come around.” Charlie insisted, following his gaze. 

“I hope so.” 

 

*

 

No matter how hard he tried, sleep continued to evade him. He glanced over at the clock - 8.33am, and still he had not slept a wink. He wondered if Cas was faring any better. 

The thought left a sour taste, and with it came back all the emotions he was trying to forget about. He was so desperately tired. There was no way he could carry on. Without thinking, Dean pulled back the comforter and got out of the bed, striding determined out onto the landing and finding himself in front of Cas’s door. This was the second time he’d got this far. The other times he’d not made it out of his room. 

Dean grasped the door handle in his palm, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open. He strode through the room and climbed into Castiel’s bed before he could change his mind again. Cas was looking at him, surprised, as Dean broke down in tears. Cas scooted closer and pulled his unresisting body against his own, feeling too exhausted to cry again himself. He buried his face in the short lengths of Deans hair and held him close until his sobs subsided.

“I’m so sorry Cas.” Dean whispered as he gasped for air. “I don’t want to lose you.” 

“You’re not going to lose me.” Cas said soothingly, and he meant it. Whatever it would take, however much it hurt, he was not going to let Dean walk out on him again.

“Cas, I haven’t been honest with you.” Dean insisted between his tears. 

“What’s bothering you? Tell me.” He stroked the back of Dean’s head with his hand, trying to ignore every painful beat of his heart. He could tell he was about to be dealt the biggest blow of his life. He should have known it wasn’t going to end well. He should have known that he would be rejected, just like the last time. His thoughts soured and he began to doubt everything, wondering if Dean had ever wanted him, if he’d ever felt anything for him. Was he actually ever trying to protect him? Castiel had to chastise himself for that last idea. He knew in his very core that Dean had always been protecting him. Whatever he did or didn’t feel for him was irrelevant. They were friends primarily. Cas knew that they were important to each other, and he knew that as long as he was here, he’d still get through this. He needed him more than he needed to be with him.

Dean was so close to a panic attack, he could feel it simmering in his lungs, but he forced a gulp of air into them. If they had any chance of being normal again…he had to get this out in the open, he couldn’t keep hiding it away. 

“We don’t feel the same way about each other.” He said so quietly that Cas could only just hear. His voice choked on every word and the pain reverberated through his bones. He couldn’t bring himself to say the word, but he knew Cas would get the message.

The remains of Castiel’s heart burst open, and he wondered briefly if you could die from the pain of heartbreak. God this was so much harder the second time around. He had do to something or he’d cry again, and there would be no coming back from that. He couldn’t afford to let Dean realise how deep he’d fallen if he had any chance of salvaging this even a little. He immediately put on his actor’s persona, and although his performance was hardly worthy of an oscar, he thought it might have passed for a B-movie. “It’s ok.” He whispered, shrugging off his feelings as if they were just some crush. 

“Is it?” Dean complained. He wanted to elaborate, wanted to ask Castiel how it would ever be ok, how his heart would ever feel full and whole again, how he’d ever get through it. He wanted to ask why Castiel didn’t love him back. Wanted to know when he’d blown his chance. Whether he’d ever actually had a chance. His arm hung limp around Castiel’s waist, and for a moment the skin was hot and poisonous, painful to touch. But he loved the pain. Castiel was his addiction.

“We’ll get through this, Dean. It’s not going to be easy but…we just need to keep talking to each other, that’s all.”

“I’m not sure how well I’m going to cope.” Dean admitted.

“We’ll manage.” Cas insisted, mildly annoyed that Dean seemed to think it would be harder to deal with Castiel’s feelings when he was struggling so much to hold back his pain and tears. He had no idea that Dean was thinking the same thing. He pulled Dean’s body closer to his own, wondering when and if he’d be allowed to do this again. He needed to change the subject or he might explode. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.” 

“You were right, I shouldn’t have been so reckless, I’m sorry too.” 

“Dean, I’m worried about you.’ Cas sighed. It was the truth, as well as a distraction from his emotion. If Dean wanted to leave him and return to Kansas, they may as well get it out in the open now. “I’m worried that you’re not coping with more than just our friendship. Every time I come home you’re more distant. There must be something I can do to help?” 

Dean huffed a half-laugh, also pleased to be talking about something different. Obviously Castiel would want to change the subject. It must be awkward knowing that your best friend was in love with you and trying to keep things civil. “Would you believe I miss working?” 

Cas smiled, relieved at least that Dean hadn’t suggested he wanted to go home. “I’d love to take a break from working. But I get that you’re bored. Maybe if we got some things in for you, you could work on the cars in the garage?” He offered. 

Dean seemed to brighten at the thought. “I could fix up the Impala.” 

“Yeah. I’ll ask around the set too, there are mechanics that work on the movie vehicles and stuff, maybe I could find you a job, if you wanted?” Castiel’s heart watched in pain at the new happiness in Dean’s smile. Now that the awkward conversation was over, Dean could move on with other matters, Cas supposed.

“I’d like that.” Dean paused. “I’ll try and behave at your party tomorrow.” 

“When do you ever behave?” Cas chuckled, his smile genuine, but it soon faded. He had something else to add. “Things aren’t going to be straightforward, Dean, but will you promise me you won’t give up on me?” 

“I won’t give up, Cas.” 

 


	15. Birthday

They were driving her crazy. 

Between the awkwardly abrupt conversations and the sorrowful, longing stares when the other wasn’t looking, Charlie thought she was going to go mad. Despite Dean’s insistence in a stolen moment that _they’d talked_ , Charlie was sure that whatever they’d talked about had only made matters worse. She half wished she’d insisted on being present for the conversation. 

When she was quite happy that Dean was showering ready for the party, Charlie slipped out of the guest room she was using and down the hall, knocking once before pulling open the door to Castiel’s room. He looked up with a smile as she entered. He was bare chested, staring down at two different shirts laid out on his bed as if unable to choose. Charlie wasn’t attracted to men at all, but she could understand why women went mad for Castiel. His muscled chest and arms weren’t her idea of perfection, and yet perfection they were.

“I can’t pick.” Cas said simply, as if she’d come to help him with his outfit. Charlie looked down between the two shirts, one a plain, sky blue, the other plaid. 

“The blue one.” Charlie shrugged. “Plaid is more Dean’s thing.” 

Castiel furrowed his brow a little as he placed the plaid shirt back in his closet. He knew exactly why Charlie had come in here and it wasn’t a conversation he was sure he wanted to have. 

“So you talked to Dean?” She began quickly, and Castiel sighed. 

“Yes, we talked.”

“And everything’s cool now?” Her eyebrows were raised. 

“Charlie I know what you’re going to say, but drop it. He doesn’t feel the same, ok?” 

“He doesn’t?” That had her stumped, and it was her turn to look at the floor in confusion. “He told you that?”

“Yes, he told me that.” Cas said irritably, barely more than a whisper. He wished she’d leave it, it was hard enough pretending things were ok without having to discuss the matter further. 

“And you believe him?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Castiel snapped, voice just a little too loud and frustrated. Charlie raised her eyebrows in slight surprise and agitation, and he ran his hands over his head as he apologised. _Get it together._ “I’m sorry. I just… I’m finding it really hard as it is.” 

“I can talk to him?” She offered. 

“There’s not really anything to talk about. I need to get over him and that’s the end of it.” 

 

*

 

It was safe to say that Castiel’s party was a hit. Dean and Charlie walked around the house, sticking together as they watched the vast number of celebrity guests with awe. It seemed anyone who was anyone had turned up, and Charlie was in her element, pointing out the A-listers, B-listers, hardly any of which were people Dean had actually heard of. The conference room had been transformed through the day, the hardwood flooring shone with beams of light from the ceiling, and there was loud music blaring from a DJ at one end, a makeshift bar set up in the corner of the room supplying complementary drinks to the guests, the rest of the party overflowing throughout the ground floor rooms. The women who weren’t slut dropping and dancing seductively were swaying a little drunkenly on high heeled shoes, scantily clad in silk dresses whilst the men joked and laughed as they watched, dressed in fancy shirts and tight trousers. Cas had been kept occupied by his famous friends for well over an hour, but now Dean spotted him making his way over. 

In the two short days since their ‘talk’, Dean had felt like he was drowning. He was wondering how he was going to cope when Charlie left to go home. It seemed like she was the only thing keeping him afloat. How long could he keep doing this? Pretending he was ok when really his heart was hurting with every beat and every breath. He thought he was going to have to walk out again. He couldn’t be 100% sure he’d survive whether he stayed or not. 

“Hey.” Castiel smiled falsely as he met them, wishing it was ok to reach out and grab Dean in a hug. “Sorry to abandon you, it’s got a bit crazy.” 

“It’s fine.” Dean insisted, a little standoffishly. The air between them was still so tense, despite the pact he’d made with himself to keep things cool. He’d had more than enough to drink already tonight and his head was a little fuzzy. He was getting concerned he might say something he’d regret later. “Charlie and I have been making friends.” 

Charlie whipped out her phone and showed Cas her new wallpaper - a shot of her and Dean with half of the cast of the newest Star Wars film. “We’re living the dream here Cas.” 

Castiel’s eyebrows were raised in genuine amusement, and for a brief moment Dean wondered how he would ever get over that face. He turned his gaze when Cas glanced up and their eyes met. He couldn’t bear to see the pain within them. 

“Shall we go dance?” Charlie suggested, eyes flitting between the two men. Who knows, she thought, maybe some dancing would lighten them up a bit. She reached out and grabbed both of their arms before they could protest, and dragged them into the crowd of dancing stars, worming their way through to the centre, where their bodies ended up all pressed against each other’s. 

It was subconsciously done, but Castiel tensed when he was squeezed into Dean by the crowd. He tried to take a step back but there was nowhere to go, and he winced apologetically. Dean was being pushed forward from behind, and to steady himself his hands automatically caught hold of Castiel’s sides. For a split second, their eyes connected, and when Cas smiled, he found himself smiling back despite his aching heart. Although Charlie caught the exchange, she said nothing, and slipped off into the crowd without them noticing.

Dean was about to move his hands, feeling suddenly awkward and embarrassed, but Castiel’s had wormed their way up to his shoulders, and it didn’t seem right to break away. There was a strange mix of readable emotions on his friend’s face; sorrow, desperation, fondness. For the smallest moment he was an open book, and Dean’s pain was somehow better. Still there, still hurting, but partially healed in the knowledge that Cas was hurting too. Maybe he could do this. 

“Dean.” Castiel whispered, although over the music Dean read his lips more than he actually heard him. Before he could continue, Dean had wrapped him in a hug, and Cas held him close, burying his face into his shoulder.

“Yeah, Cas, we’re good. We’ll be ok.” Dean smiled, answering the question Castiel hadn’t even had to ask. 

After they’d finally escaped the dance floor, Cas laughed and ushered them towards the bar where Dean insisted they order vodka shots, only backing down when they’d had four each and their throats were burning. “Ok… a break.” He agreed, trying not to vomit on the bar. 

“Vodka shots, classy.” Commented a familiarly sarcastic voice. Dean rolled his eyes as Caleb sidled up to Castiel’s side and ordered a glass of champagne. 

“You only turn 29 once.” Dean said defensively, and ordered more vodka in spite. Cas kicked him in the shin under the bar and Dean winced, shooting him an annoyed look. Cas stared at him poignantly with a light smile. _Be nice,_ he was trying to say. Cas had no idea that Dean thought he had feelings for Caleb, and of course Dean hadn’t thought to correct him or mention it at all. It was still a very sore subject. Dean remembered his own commitment to give the guy a chance for Castiel’s sake and smiled. “Are you enjoying the party?” He asked. 

“Yes, it’s great.” Caleb smiled at Cas enthusiastically. “The rest of the Henry guys are out by the pool, Castiel, you should join us.” He informed them. Cas allowed himself to be led outside and Dean followed, albeit reluctantly. He looked around desperately, definitely not keen on joining people he’d totally embarrassed himself in front of, but Charlie was no where to be seen, off making more new friends. 

They sat for a long while chatting to the cast and crew they’d met on Friday night, and Dean smiled warmly at Alayna when she came to sit next to him, a welcome distraction from the flirting between Cas and Caleb. She did at least seem human. “How are you doing?” She asked knowingly, and for a second Dean wasn’t sure how much she knew. 

“Better.” Dean wondered if he’d have this conversation with her if he wasn’t drunk, but he sighed happily. “We’re good. Kinda good. I’m new to the whole talking thing, I guess.” He tried to explain. 

She gently elbowed him in the ribs and smirked. “I’m glad you’re ok. He was so worried about you.” 

“I know, I feel like a bit of a dick for doing that… I just needed some time to think I guess. Needed to get my head straight. We talked a little after. I just have to try accept things the way they are.” 

“Is it weird watching them flirt like that?” She whispered, gesturing to Cas and Caleb and looking at Dean like she knew more than she was letting on. 

Dean didn’t even think about denying it. For all he knew Castiel might have told her what he’d said already. He probably had. He’d probably told everyone how awkward it was, how difficult it was for him, he’d probably asked around - how do you get your friend to stop loving you? He nodded and then shrugged. “I just want him to be happy.” 

“That’s sweet.” She sighed.

Charlie suddenly appeared next to Dean, hair messed up and wearing a lot more lipstick than she’d started with, not just on her lips, and on catching sight of her both Alayna and Dean burst into a laugh. Castiel heard the laughter, looked over curiously and came to join them with a smile on his face. He hadn’t heard Dean laugh like that for a while. 

“Who’s the lucky lady, Charlie?” Castiel teased. Dean was still creased up laughing. Charlie stared back at them, confused, so Alayna took a mirror from her purse and handed it to her. Charlie’s cheeks began to pink up as Dean flung an arm around her. 

“I love this girl.” Dean announced, voice slurring from the vodka. His pain was definitely less of a burden now he was drunk. Charlie beamed at him, temporarily pausing her efforts to scrub the lipstick from her cheek. 

“She’s a very good friend.” Castiel agreed. “To Charlie.” He toasted, raising his glass. 

Dean laughed as he drank. He stood up. “To very good friends.” He added, eyes burning into Cas’s. Cas smiled gently and held his free hand out for Dean to take. Dean stepped forward and wrapped his friend into a tight hug. He didn’t want to let him go, he smelled like home, but after an awkwardly long moment, Charlie yanked the back of his shirt and he took the hint, releasing his friend and sitting back down. Cas drew up a chair to join the conversation, and to Dean’s annoyance, Caleb followed suit. 

“Can I ask a personal question, Castiel?” Alayna began, and Dean got the impression she was meddling. Cas nodded, tilting his head to the side in that endearing way of his. “When did you realise you were gay?” 

Cas smiled awkwardly, purposefully not looking at Dean. “Back when I was a teenager, I was maybe about 16?” 

“You knew for 2 years before you told me?” Dean asked, surprised. Cas just shrugged. 

“It’s funny, isn’t it, how you have to come out as gay but not come out as straight?” Alayna pondered. “When did you realise, Dean?” 

Cas and Charlie both panicked. “Dean’s not gay.” They said in unison, trying to protect him. 

Dean chuckled at their nervousness, the alcohol was definitely disrupting his better judgment, and stopped him from being surprised at Castiel’s reaction. If he’d been less drunk he may have questioned it. Why would Castiel bother to deny it when he’d admitted to loving him? “I’m not gay.” He smiled. “I guess I’m bisexual. But it was apparently obvious I wasn’t straight by 18, I had a massive crush on my friend.” He said pointedly.

Charlie and Castiel both stared at him in disbelief. “What?” He asked them, shrugging. They chose not to answer. 

Alayna noticed the exchange but said nothing, brow furrowed. She had the impression that there was more going on here than she knew about. Maybe she’d try and speak to Castiel later if she could get him alone.  

“I think I’ve always known I’m bisexual.” Caleb countered, although no one had asked. “Too many good looking men and women on this planet.” 

Dean rolled his eyes obviously and Charlie nudged him. Cas was smiling down at the champagne flute in his hand, amused. 

“Cas, do you want another drink?” Dean asked, standing up. “Alayna? Charlie?” 

“You do realise he doesn’t like people calling him _Cas_ , don’t you? It’s Castiel.” Caleb said irritably. 

Dean narrowed his eyes, looking at Castiel. “Don’t you?” He asked, confused. 

Cas blushed. “It’s fine.” He insisted. “I’ll explain later.”

“He doesn’t like it.” Caleb complained, eager to make his point. 

“Caleb, I said it’s fine.” Cas said firmly. 

“If you don’t shut up I’ll push you in the pool.” Dean said, and their friends all laughed as if it was a joke. His face was totally serious. “Cas, is he telling the truth?” 

“I do like it.” Cas smiled awkwardly. “You were the only one that ever called me that and when we fell out it reminded me of you so I asked people not to…” He trailed off uncomfortably. 

It was Caleb’s turn to blush. Dean stepped forward and wrapped an arm around his friend, enjoying the feeling of being pressed close together. The mood felt somehow darker and he wanted to lighten it up a bit. His free arm groped into Cas’s pocket and found his phone, taking it out and resting it on the arm of the chair beside him. Cas eyed him suspiciously, eyes narrowing as Dean’s face broke out into a large grin. With his hand on Cas’s chest he forced him to move a few steps backwards until he was almost at the edge of the pool. 

“No!” Cas pleaded when he realised what Dean was doing. “Don’t push me in.” 

Dean just laughed and hovered there for a few moments, not with any real intention of pushing him in. He could hear Charlie and Alayna laughing behind him, and people in other groups were starting to laugh and point. He’d improved the mood at least. Cas’s hands grasped at Dean’s waist for traction as he wobbled at the edge. 

“If you push me in you’re coming in too.” He reminded him. Dean kept laughing but released Cas from his arms, threat over.

Or, at least, it would have been if they’d moved quicker. 

Charlie bolted up from behind Dean and with all of her strength toppled him forward, sending them both plunging into the lukewarm water. 

“Charlie!” They both complained as they surfaced, gasping for air. Dean was spitting out pool water, having not seen her coming. Charlie was on her knees laughing, and the remaining party guests all seemed to have enjoyed the spectacle.

Dean climbed out of the pool, clothes dripping but spirits lifted. He lay back on the concrete tiles staring up at the stars while Cas climbed out next to him, sitting up. “You’ll get hypothermia if you stay there.” Cas smiled down at his friend who smiled back. “Come on, lets go put some dry clothes on.” 

 

*

 

It was only when Cas had stripped his shirt off that Dean registered that he’d followed him all the way into his bathroom, when his own clothes were in his room. Cas hadn’t even taken anything new out. Dean looked at him, confusion on his face. He tilted his head in question as he pulled his jeans down. “What is it?” He asked, smiling. 

Dean shook his head, trying to dismiss his emotions. This felt so natural. He smiled back and pulled off his own shirt and jeans, taking in Cas’s muscled body again, as if for the first time. He tried to stop looking, vaguely aware that arousal would be inappropriate, but then he noticed just how see through Cas’s tight white boxers had become, and how the wet fabric was clinging to his length underneath. His cock hardened in response, and as he looked up he could see Cas staring, lust blown. 

Dean was fucked. Completely, and utterly fucked. Even back then, he’d never intended to develop feelings for anyone, let alone his best friend. It was too complicated. He hated that he loved the way Cas made him feel, like his stomach was fluttering full of insects and how he couldn’t catch his breath or get enough of his taste. But Cas made him feel like after everything he’d screwed up, he was still worth something. So just for these few moments he allowed himself to feel it. He could see him, hard and ready under those tight boxers, and where he should have freaked out, where he should have ran away to save face, he fell head first down the rabbit hole. 

With alcohol clouded judgment, Dean took a step forward, hand enveloping the back of Cas’s neck and their groins just touching. Cas whispered his name, half begging, half warning, and at that moment Dean didn’t care which. He pressed his lips against Castiel’s, drinking in his taste and breathing his air, gently at first, but when Cas’s hands dropped to his ass and dragged it closer to him, grinding them together in delicious friction, he opened his mouth to Cas’s tongue and they explored each other thoroughly. Dean moaned into Cas’s mouth as his boxers were ripped down and he shook his legs out of the constraint, freeing them.

Cas growled and backed Dean against the wall, pinning him there roughly. He ran a hand through Dean’s hair as their tongues continued to dance and the other hand grabbed desperately at Dean’s hip while Dean was struggling to pull down his underwear. When he eventually succeeded, Cas pulled away briefly. 

“Bed. Now.” He commanded, and Dean began to step toward him, mouth recaptured by Castiel’s as he was guided back to the bed. Cas pushed him down onto his back and took Dean’s cock in his hand, pumping the length slowly as Dean cursed beneath him, eyes squeezed close.

Dean opened them just in time to see Cas’s tongue lick at his slit and his lips wrap over the sensitive head of his throbbing, leaking cock. Cas looked up at him under a thick shade of eyelashes with every intention of teasing the hell out of the man under him, but Dean moaned loudly as he was enveloped, and after a few bobs of his head Cas pulled off with a pop.

“Fuck me.” Dean pleaded. Cas’s eyes darkened with want and he nodded. 

“Roll over.” He instructed. Dean obeyed, spreading his legs eagerly, his damp cock resting on the sheets beneath. He felt Cas spread his ass cheeks, groaning once again as Cas’s deft tongue darted around the muscle between them, diving into his hole. The tongue was replaced by a finger, darting in and out, exquisitely stretching every muscle. He could feel his precome dripping out onto the sheets, the friction not quite enough. Cas worked him open, adding fingers until he was comfortably taking four and grabbing at the sheets. 

Cas lined himself up, looking at the sight beneath him and almost coming at the view, he savoured the moment. He loved the look of Dean, so needy, begging him for his cock. He pushed in slowly, bottoming out, and Dean pushed back against him, wanting more of the perfect pain. Cas began to thrust cautiously, finding the right angle, but when he hit Dean’s prostate for the first time he swore loudly, his hand reaching down towards his cock, but stopped from reaching it by the barrier of his hips. Cas was warm like no one else had been warm, and it suddenly started to build within him, his passion, desire, anger, sadness all plummeting towards one glorious release. Cas maintained his pace, slamming again and again into the right spot and sending Dean quickly over the edge. Within minutes he was coming all over himself and the sheets beneath him, a string of curses escaping his mouth as he spasmed with pleasure. His hole tightened around Cas as Dean came, and a moment later Cas filled him up, digging his fingernails into Dean’s hips and moaning loud enough for the whole party to hear. 

Almost as soon as he finished, Cas felt a huge wave of sorrow wash over him, and as he pulled out and watched his come trailing out of Dean’s hole, he almost regretted it. Dean rolled onto his side, back to Cas, unspeaking. They lay there for a few moments catching their breath, but before long Dean scrambled up, stole Cas’s robe and fled the room. Cas remained, and buried his head in his hands, the only reminder of his friend left being the stain on the sheets.


	16. Confession

“Charlie!” Dean was begging, panic rising.

After a few moments without an answer Dean slid down against the wall behind him, giving in to the panic in his chest as his heart pounded. He was grateful the party seemed to have died down. He couldn’t hear much noise from downstairs.

How was he meant to cope with his feelings for Cas after that? Why was he so weak? 

“Sorry Dean, a little busy.” Charlie’s voice came from inside the door as it opened. She looked just as debauched as he probably did. He figured he was interrupting. Upon noticing his state, Charlie knelt down in front of him. “Breathe, you idiot.” She complained. “What have you done now? Breathe, Dean.” 

With a ragged inhale, Charlie knew she was getting somewhere. She tried to remember how Cas got him around and started exaggerating her breathing. Within seconds Dean was copying her rhythm, and after a minute or so she was happy he was recovering.

“I just had sex with Cas.” He whispered after a little while of silence. Dean began to cry, and Charlie pulled him forward so his head was on her shoulder, and rubbed small circles into his back. 

“I wish I understood you.” Charlie admitted. Maybe she should just tell him how Castiel felt. She didn’t buy that he didn’t feel the same, but she had no clue why he’d lied about it to Cas. Was he struggling here so much that he’d deny his love? Unless, she reasoned, he’d just fucked up telling him, given him a half answer instead of the truth. It had been obvious straight away that they hadn’t fixed anything, but she wasn’t going to leave until they’d sorted themselves out. She offered him a hand which he took, and with a gentle tug he regained his feet, allowing her to pull him up and lead him back into his room.

They stood together for a few minutes once inside, door still open, and as he stood, bent over her shoulder and crying like she’d never seen him cry before, her eyes drifted up, and she noticed Castiel stood in the doorway, looking equally lost and confused. She raised a finger to her lips to keep him quiet, gesturing to her ear in hopes he understood to listen. 

“How am I meant to deal with this?” Dean asked quietly. “I’m struggling as it is.” 

“Struggling how?"

“With how we feel… or how we don’t feel about each other. I can’t blame him for taking advantage of the situation. I probably would have done the same.” Dean admitted and sniffed. 

“How do you feel -” Charlie began.

Castiel stiffened where he stood. He could hold his tongue no longer. He was angry, and hurting, and his friend was there blaming him for it. And after all that crap earlier on - being reminded that he had had a chance with him once, he was pissed. He already felt guilty for what had happened between them in their youth, he didn’t need the blame on top of this, not when Dean knew he was hurting. “How the hell have I taken advantage?” He strode into the room as he interrupted, aggrieved, tears welling in his eyes. 

Dean looked up, shocked, and Charlie let go with a roll of her eyes, turning to face Castiel. If he’d just shut up for one more minute he might have heard what he needed to hear. “It’s not your fault.” Dean insisted. “I started it. I just don't know what I’m supposed to do now.” 

“You can be unbelievably selfish sometimes, do you know that?” Cas snapped, tears flowing down his cheeks. 

“How am I being selfish? You know how I feel about you!” Dean choked, trying not to cry too.

“Yes Dean, you’ve made it very clear how you feel. But I have too. I’ve made it clear. You know what I want and you could be a bit more sensitive -” 

Charlie was watching the exchange get louder with disbelief on her face. Yep, he’d just fucked it up, hadn’t he? So much for clarity.

“- and how dare you accuse me of taking advantage of the situation. You came on to me, might I remind you, if anyone’s taken advantage it’s you.” 

“You could have stopped me at any point, Cas, this is not all on me.” 

“How was I supposed to stop?!” 

“Calm down. Both of you.” Charlie said firmly, loud enough that they both turned to look at her and paused for a few moments while they caught their breath and their composure. She slipped to the door and pulled it closed. The other party guests didn’t need to hear this. 

“Cas… I… I need to get out… I can’t…” Dean choked, the door making him feel suddenly claustrophobic.

“You can’t what?” Castiel asked bitterly, his heart throbbing with pain. “Can’t do this? Can’t cope with how I’m making you feel?” 

Charlie felt his words cut even through her, she had no clue how badly they would be hurting Dean. “Don’t.” She said quietly, a warning, her hand on Castiel’s chest. One look at Dean had told her all she needed to know. He was completely crushed, destroyed by his anger and his spiteful tone. He’d backed away a few steps, half leaning against the bedroom wall while his legs trembled. He knew he should be breathing and he could see Charlie watching him with concern but try as he might he just couldn’t. It seemed easier to surrender. 

“Think about what he said to you.” Charlie whispered to Castiel as their eyes connected. “What did he say?” 

“I don’t want to think about it.” Cas rubbed his face with his hands, trying not to break down completely. 

“Just think. Please. Just think. What did he say to you?” 

“He said…” Castiel choked a breath in through gritted teeth, almost on the verge of a panic attack of his own. “He said we don’t feel the same way about each other.”

It was so tempting to start yelling and rolling her eyes. It was so tempting to bring up a hand and slap both of them in their idiotic faces until they fell back together, but she suspected it wouldn’t go down too well. She was trying, god forbid, she was trying really hard to get Castiel to see what an idiot he was being, to realise that Dean has always been vague about everything because he’s so damned fragile he can’t be honest without risk of total destruction. But it seemed that his self esteem was hardly surpassing Dean’s, and if she wasn’t careful she might scare them both off in a single swipe. Her mind was formulating words, trying to come up with the perfect thought-provoking response. 

“No.” Dean piped up suddenly, interrupting her reverie and drawing Castiel’s eyes back to him. He met them with effort, and held his gaze as he let his friend see his pain. “I’m not coping.” 

“Then leave.” Castiel spat. “Go on. Just get out.” 

“Seriously?” Dean climbed to his feet irritably, anger giving him a new confidence. “After everything, you can say that to me?” 

Cas watched him with narrowed eyes, his hands held tight into fists by his side. His chest puffed out in deep, frustrated breaths, and he looked like he might murder anyone who angered him at that moment. Even Charlie took a step back.

“Fine.” Dean snapped, and strode across the room to the door. His hand reached the handle before Charlie grabbed onto the back of the robe he wore and pulled him back a step, with a strength that surprised him.

“You need to talk properly -” Charlie began to whisper frantically. 

“You’re unbelievable.” Castiel interrupted loudly. “Why do you seem to think that this is harder for you?”

“Why wouldn’t it be harder for me?” Dean shouted back, pushing away from Charlie and the door and taking a step closer to the man he loved but simultaneously wanted to punch in the face. 

“Will you two just shut up for two minutes and listen to yourselves?” Charlie yelled suddenly,  losing her patience as she stepped between the two men who both looked at her in surprise and shut their mouths. She couldn’t believe how stupid they both were, how low their self confidence must be to not recognise how they felt about each other. It was so obvious to her that they were pining for each other, they’d all but admitted it if they’d just listen to what the other was actually saying. “Obviously this is why you two are at each other’s throats. You talk without using proper words. You just jump to conclusions because you never actually tell each other anything.” 

“Why wouldn’t it be harder for me?” Dean asked again, quietly this time, voice cracking over every word. He did want to keep this civil, after all. He did want Castiel to be his friend if nothing else. 

When Castiel remained silent, looking at Dean like he held the world in his palm and was about to crush it, Charlie couldn’t help but feel for him. “Answer the question, Cas.” She said gently. But no words escaped the lips that started to tremble, and before he could break she looked away. “Ok, fine. Dean, you explain why it’s harder for you.” 

“He knows how I feel.” He said indignantly, apparently still angry. “Of course it would be harder for me.” 

“Does he know how you feel?” Charlie said, frustrated, her eyes going skyward in an involuntary roll. “Have you ever actually told him?” 

Again, neither man spoke, each too wrapped up in their pain. “Please answer the question, Cas.” Charlie begged. If she had any chance of salvaging this it would be Cas. It had to be Cas. Dean was too far gone to make himself any more vulnerable than he already was. If she couldn’t get Castiel to admit it, she’d have to resort to desperate measures. 

“No.” Castiel said simply. Charlie could see he was trying to escape before he’d even taken a step, and she barricaded the door with her back against it. He frowned, agitated as he approached it, head tilted in warning and frustration as his hand reached for the handle despite her presence. Her hand came up to his chest, pushing him slowly back, and when their eyes locked the fire in his burnt out. 

“Why?” Dean asked again from behind them, tears freely streaming down his reddened face.

Castiel swallowed and ran a hand through his hair. He was suddenly grateful for the large quantity of alcohol in his bloodstream. The pain was bad, and he couldn't imagine what it must be like to feel this if he wasn’t drunk.

“Because I’m in love with you.” He yelled finally, turning to face him.

“Thank god.” Charlie muttered, rolling her eyes. Dean’s eyes had gone wide, and he was staring at Cas with utter confusion. Charlie stalked back to her room, figuring they’d work it out after that bomb had dropped. Besides, someone was waiting for her to return. The door slammed behind her.

“What did you just say?” Dean whispered, dumbfounded.

“You heard what I said.” Cas mumbled, trying to deal with the unbearable pain. 

“You said you’re in love with me.” 

Cas looked up to meet his eyes. He nodded sadly, fresh tears on his cheek. “Please Dean… I’m really trying…. I just… please just stop being a dick about it.” 

Dean took a few steps closer and Cas eyed him with frustrated confusion. He was upset and confused, and wished Charlie hadn’t just left him to deal with this alone. Dean lifted a hand to his cheek and Cas turned his face away, but the hand pushed back so that his eyes stayed with Dean’s, stroking against the smooth, cleanly shaved skin. 

“What?” Cas sighed, annoyed. Dean’s face broke out into a wide smile, his heart swelling with happiness and elation and he wanted half to cry and half to fall into bed with him again. Cas looked at him with disbelief, pulling back confused as Dean leaned in and kissed his cheek, his lips soft and warm. Cas felt more tears escape, and couldn’t find it in him to complain as Dean began kissing the rest of his face, kissing away falling tears, kissing his temple, his forehead, his jaw, his ear. 

“What are you doing to me?” He asked eventually, entirely broken. 

Dean pulled back enough to look into Cas’s eyes. His smile remained. “I’m trying to tell you.” 

“Tell me what?” 

“That I’m an idiot. That I’m sorry… and…” Dean swallowed. “That I love you too.” 

“What?” Cas asked, sure he’d just misheard. Dean grinned, and, in answer, leaned forward to press his lips back onto Castiel’s. He tasted like a tequila slammer, alcoholic and salty, and although he opened his mouth and allowed him to lick into him with passion, Dean could feel the reluctance, could sense the hesitation. He was going to have to do better than that. 

“Really?” Cas looked at him when they broke apart. His heart was pounding like this was just a sick joke. He was so drunk he wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell if it was. Dean nodded.

“More than anything. It’s always been you.” 

“But… you said… you said you didn’t feel the same.” 

Dean ran a hand through his hair, abashed, the other hand squeezing Castiel’s side. “I was sure you didn’t feel that way about me… I was trying to tell you that I love you. I didn’t think… I get how it sounds now, I’m so sorry. But I do, I love you. I’m in love with you.” 

“Oh.” Cas was staring Dean as if he was about to wake up from a dream - part of him thought he still might. Maybe he’d just got so drunk that he’d passed out and this was all a hallucination. He just hoped he got to stay asleep a little longer. “Why did you think that?” 

Dean shook his head. “I don’t know, it seems stupid now, but how you reacted when Jo kissed me, and how you were with Caleb…” 

“Caleb? Seriously? You know as well as I do he’s a total dick.” 

“I won’t deny that.” Dean smiled. 

“You’re an idiot.” Cas’s lips cracked into a wide grin as he finally started to accept that this might just be real life. “How could I not be in love with you, Dean Winchester?"

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s bare lower back and kissed him again. “Can we please go back to bed now?” 

 

*

 

A few wonderful fucks and a rather fantastic blowjob later, Dean was struggling to catch his breath. Cas pulled himself up, head landing on the pillow next to Dean’s. Dean grabbed him and kissed him fervently, tasting the remains of his own come in Cas’s mouth. 

“Marry me.” He said, deadly serious when they broke apart. Cas looked at him and blinked in surprise. 

“What?” He asked, as if he’d misheard. 

“Marry me, please.” Dean repeated. 

Cas stared at him, waiting for him to start laughing, but he never did. “One day.” He answered. Dean narrowed his eyes. 

“Why not now? You know there will never be anyone else for me.” 

“Because you’re drunk and we’ve only been doing this for a couple of hours. One day I’ll marry you Dean Winchester, but not yet.”

Dean pouted but Cas laughed and kissed him again, and he soon forgot about his disappointment when Cas’s hand reached down once again for his cock. 

 

*

 

When Dean woke later that day he was sore all over. His muscles were complaining terribly, his ass was hurting, he had a terrible headache, and he was generally exhausted. He could feel Cas’s warm body pressed against him and he smiled, pleased that it hadn’t been a dream after all. He pressed a kiss into the back of Cas’s head and rolled out of the bed, holding his head in his hands. He suffered so much worse with hangovers the older he got. 

He sat down to pee, figuring he could hardly stand up straight anyway, and when he stood back up and leaned over the sink, washing his hands, he could feel the dried come on his chest, hips, legs, and around his ass. He couldn’t even remember how many times they’d had sex last night, but it was more than his body was used to, particularly given his dry spell. 

Reaching over, he flicked the shower on, easing into the water when it had warmed up. He leaned against the tile to try and appease his pounding head as the current washed down his back, using one hand to rub slowly at his unclean areas. He heard the knock on the door and looked back to see Cas slipping into the room.

Cas, donned in that same towelled robe, came to the side of the walk-in shower and eyed Dean nervously. Dean raised his eyebrows in response, trying to predict what his friend was about to say. He wasn’t sure what to say himself. He didn’t want to screw it up before it had begun. Cas opened and closed his mouth a few times before chickening out. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked, trying to be casual, but his tone betrayed his nerves. 

“Basically awful.” Dean responded, feeling sorry for himself. “My head is throbbing and I really feel like I might throw up. How about you?” 

Cas smirked. “I drank a lot less vodka than you. There are perks to champagne.” He teased. 

Dean rolled his eyes while Cas’s face became more serious. He had to broach the subject, make sure Dean didn’t think it a mistake, but he didn’t know how. “It wasn’t a dream?” He asked quietly after a minute. 

Dean furrowed his brow. “Do you wish it was?” 

Cas paused for a moment too long and Dean’s heart pounded nervously, not helping at all with his headache. Cas shook his head nervously, feeling horribly vulnerable, and Dean let out the breath he’d forgotten he was holding. 

“Good. I don’t propose to just anyone you know.” Dean whispered, grinning. He sidled out of the shower and outstretched an arm that Cas stepped into. “Sorry about that.” He muttered. “Happy birthday, by the way.” Cas smiled back and pressed a soft kiss to Dean’s lips that quickly became heated. Dean pulled back suddenly. “Don’t turn me on again, my body can’t take it.” He laughed. 

Holding his hands up in surrender, Cas grinned. “Come back to bed when you’re done.” 

He was finished a few minutes later, having scraped off the evidence of their nighttime activities. He dried himself off roughly and slipped back into bed with the love of his life. Cas hummed contently as Dean pressed himself firmly against his back, and rolled over to face him, kissing him gently on the lips. 

“I don’t mean to kill the mood.” He whispered. “Because I’m so fucking happy this is happening. But there are still a few things we need to talk about.” 

Dean sighed and rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. “Do we have to?” He asked, and Cas just nodded with a pointed look. “Yeah, ok.” 

“I need to apologise.” Cas said softly, and Dean looked at him, confused. “About Erik. The things he said… but he wasn’t lying, we were sleeping together for a few months and I should have told you but it wasn’t anything serious, it was honestly just sex… for me at least. I tried to end it… because of the way I felt about you… and that’s why he outed me.” 

Upon searching Cas’s eyes, Dean decided he was telling the truth and nodded gently. “Ok. You said there were a few things?” 

“Yeah… what actually happened with Jo? I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain at the time. I was torn between wanting to cry and wanting to punch her in the face.”  Cas smirked. 

Dean smiled sadly. “I don’t really know… she just kissed me. I don’t remember flirting with her but apparently she got the wrong idea.” 

“Do I need to fire her?” Cas grinned. Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

“I need to ask you something else.” Cas muttered. Dean looked at him quizzically. “Are you sure you want this? That you want this thing with me?” 

“Of course I’m sure.” Dean leant forward to kiss him and Cas sighed. 

“You know it won’t be easy? What being with me will actually mean for you?”

“I know, Cas, and nothing for us has ever been easy.” 

Cas chuckled. “I guess that’s true… so I also need to ask a favour.” He admitted, and Dean waited for him to continue. “I want to keep this a secret.” Cas said quietly, unsure how Dean would take it. 

Dean furrowed his brow. “Why?” He asked suspiciously. “Are you ashamed?” 

Expression changing to one of horror, Cas was quick to respond. “No! Of course not.” 

“Then why?” 

“Because…” Cas took a deep breath. “Nothing is ever just mine. As soon as everyone finds out about us we’ll be constantly hounded. The paparazzi attention is bad enough as it is but it will only get worse.” 

“They follow you everywhere anyway, I don’t see how it could get worse.” Dean chewed the inside of his cheek, mildly irritated. He’d felt so elated last night, and he wanted to shout from the rooftops that Cas belonged to him now. The thought of sleazy celebrities and scantily dressed fans being anywhere near him was almost unbearable.“Is this another keeping up appearances thing? You want to remain desirable?” 

“No it’s not that at all… I just. Ugh.” Cas was struggling to explain how he felt, and his hands automatically reached up to rub at his temples in a mixture of fear and frustration. “You know when I was at yours and we were holed up in your flat those couple of days? I felt honestly happy… apart from the whole, just been betrayed thing, of course. When you’re constantly in the limelight… it’s nice to just hide away for a while, and having that secret from the world, that I was there with you, I needed that. I just want this to be our business, no one else's. Besides, I don’t want you followed wherever you go, and I don’t want the pressure that being with me would bring to bother you. They’re already talking about you and I don’t want that getting worse. I just want it to be about us, at least just for a little while. I know we can’t hide forever.” 

The desperation in Cas’s eyes brought a small smile to the corner of Dean’s lips. He nodded slowly, thinking about the benefits of Castiel’s suggestion. For a moment he was innocent, (or perhaps ignorant) enough to think that he might be able to have the best of both worlds - a secret relationship with Castiel while keeping himself out of the spotlight. “Ok, we’ll do it your way.” He captured Cas’s lips in a kiss. “But Charlie will already know, and Sam and Jess have their suspicions.” 

Cas visibly relaxed. “I know, but they’re not going to rat us out.” 

Dean smiled. “I wonder who Charlie had in her room last night.” Cas tilted his head to the side in question. “When I went down there, she said she’d been busy and she looked like I’d interrupted.” 

Cas laughed. “I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough.” He looked over to his nightstand. “It’s 2pm, we ought to get up. Charlie’s probably wondering what I’ve done to you.”

“You’ve done quite a few things.” Dean winked. “2pm? I haven’t slept so late since I was a teenager.” 

 

*

 

Charlie had raised eyebrows when they found her downstairs. Cas blushed while Dean just grinned.  He crossed over to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pressing a kiss into her cheek as he whispered a quiet _thank you._ “Have a good night boys?” She asked, a smile curling her lips. When Dean drew back she looked perfectly at home and comfortable lounging across a couch in her pyjamas with a coffee in hand. “How are your heads?” 

“It’s been better.” Dean groaned, his hangover still giving him grief. Cas shrugged and took a seat, gesturing for Dean to sit next to him. 

“I’m fine.” He said smugly. “How are you, Charlie?” 

“My head’s fine but my body is aching like hell, I can’t even remember her name but my god was that girl good in bed.” 

“Classy.” Dean commented, a new smirk on his face as he curled against the corner of the sofa. “Not that I can talk.” He added. He lifted up the corner of his t-shirt to show off the purple-blue fingermark bruises that Cas had left on his hips. Cas looked mortified and turned even pinker, and Charlie burst out in a fit of unconfined laughter. “He’s got a few of his own.” Dean gestured proudly to a red hickey sucked into Cas’s neck and Cas glared at him pointedly. Dean shut his mouth, grinning, while Cas shook his head with embarrassment.

“You know Naomi’s gunna ask me about that?” Cas complained. 

“It’s ok Cas, we’ve all been there.” Charlie chuckled. “You two finally sorted yourselves out, then?” 

The smile that rose on Cas’s lips radiated to his eyes, and Dean found himself lost in their blue depths. “Yes I suppose we finally did.” Cas sighed happily, still looking at Dean. Charlie couldn’t help but smile as she watched the exchange, pleased to see her friends so happy. Castiel leant over and pressed a quick kiss to Dean’s lips, unable to resist, and Dean beamed at him when he pulled back. Charlie made a sound like she was pretending to vomit, before turning her attention back to the TV. Dean held out an arm and Cas leaned gladly into his side, perfectly content.  

A few hours passed before they were invited to the dinner table and as they took their seats, Dean licked his lips hungrily. His ears and cheeks tinged pink when he looked up to see Jo serving out their food - a linguine dish that looked particularly mouthwatering - he hadn’t seen her since the other night. He glanced at Cas who seemed to be finding it hard to hold his tongue, and kicked him gently under the table. As he thanked Jo for the food she served him, it was plain that her embarrassment was just as bad - if not worse than his own. Except, he realised, it wasn’t his eyes she was avoiding. One look across the table to Charlie told him all he needed to know and his eyes went wide as he noticed her pointed stare at her bowl of pasta, the white skinned, mortified look she only used when she’d accidentally bumped into an ex-lover. 

As soon as Jo had left the room, Dean let his laughter ring around it. Cas furrowed his brow in annoyance, clearly having missed the look on Charlie’s face. Dean shook his head and gestured to Charlie, who seemed to be regaining some colour. 

“Seriously?” Cas whispered, still irritated and still missing the point. 

Dean couldn’t contain his grin, still staring at his friend who was now turning as red as her hair. “Yeah Charlie, seriously?” 

Cas finally seemed to be catching up. He tore his gaze from Dean and over to Charlie, and his jaw hung open, dumbstruck, when he saw the guilt in her expression. 

“Very funny.” Charlie muttered, regaining some composure. “Now can one of you assholes please remind me what her name was?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying. Don't get too comfortable. I'm Lucifer incarnate.


	17. Impala

In the weeks that followed and led them into early December, Dean felt honestly, truly happy. He wasn’t sure he could ever remember feeling so full before, or laughing so much. And sure, Castiel was still slammed with work and their moments together were often brief and far less frequent than he’d like, but when he did come home it was to a smile, and if it was late Dean would wait up for him, would wrap his arms around him in bed until he was safely asleep.

Through the weeks Dean realised there was still a lot to learn about his friend. Once, for example, they’d set themselves the task of making their own evening meal, and while Dean considered himself to be not half bad at cooking, Cas, it turned out, had almost no existing skill in the kitchen. His biggest culinary feats comprised mostly of pasta and tinned spaghetti, all he’d survived on when he’d first moved to LA and lived with roommates. He even managed to burn toast, which Dean enjoyed teasing him about. He suspected there was still a lot he didn’t know about Castiel Novak. 

One afternoon, after Cas had been away on an overnight trip, Dean was working on the Impala in the garage, with tools that Cas had bought for him. He peeled himself away from the car as the garage door opened and a Bentley containing the driver, Naomi, and Castiel parked in its allocated space. Cas was beaming as he climbed out of the car. Naomi shot a cursory smile in Dean’s direction as she continued toward the staircase leading to the rest of the house, expecting Cas to follow. Castiel had his own ideas however, and was still stood, staring at Dean when Naomi cleared her throat. He was totally enraptured by the sight of his best friend and lover, bare-chested and sweaty, covered in engine oil with his jeans hanging low on his hips.

Cas tore his gaze away from the beautiful sight in front of him to smile back at Naomi. “I need to take a few minutes off to catch up with Dean.” He said confidently. 

“Castiel we’re on a strict schedule, you know that. You’re supposed to be getting ready for the junket.” She complained in response.

“Nay, it’s 2pm and the junket isn’t ’til 5.30, trust me, I’ve got time.” He insisted, striding over to his friend. He turned and watched as Naomi rolled her eyes and followed the driver up the stairs. When she was gone and definitely out of earshot, Cas closed the distance between them, shaking his head gently at Dean’s bemused expression as he pressed their lips together fiercely. 

“Do you realise what you’re doing to me, looking like that?” Cas growled as they broke apart. 

“Cas, I’m a sweaty disgusting mess right now.” Dean laughed, capturing Cas’s lips again quickly. 

“Well apparently I’m into that.” Cas shrugged, slipping his fingers into the belt loops on Dean’s jeans and grinding their hips together. Dean could feel the outline of his erection drag against his own cock, bringing it to attention. Cas wasn’t lying, he was definitely into it. 

As Castiel’s fingers trailed up to his neck Dean’s mouth fell open in a moan, and Cas seized his opportunity to capture it, licking inside with heat and passion. Dean caught up quickly, his hands grabbing at the actor’s back and pulling them together as he got with the program, kissing back with fervent need and desperation.

A sudden thought occurred to him as Cas continued to kiss and grind against him. He pulled away with a level of urgency. “You don’t have cameras in here, do you?” He asked nervously. 

Castiel’s face fell. “Shit.” He muttered, looking over his shoulder to the CCTV camera mounted on the wall. The angle was a little weird, maybe he’d have gotten away with it. His heart continued to race, but as he looked back at Dean he found his need outweighed the risk, and actually, if he truly admitted it to himself, the risk of getting caught was a turn on. “Get in the car.” He ordered. 

Dean raised his eyebrows but did what he was told, climbing swiftly into the backseat, secretly enjoying the bossy tone Cas was conveying. Cas followed him inside and shut the door, climbing immediately on top of Dean and kissing him once more, working into his mouth with an expert tongue. As he involuntarily bucked his hips up into Castiel’s, Dean worked to pull off Cas’s suit jacket and shirt, aware that already they were covered in oil and that they were going to have to come up with some sort of miracle story to hide the truth from Naomi should she see his clothing. 

A whimper escaped Dean’s lips as Cas worked his jeans down his hips, allowing his erect and needy cock to bob free of its constraint. Cas licked his lips hungrily and Dean almost came at the expression on his face as Cas dipped his head low, taking Dean’s length deep into his throat. 

“Fuck.” Dean moaned as Cas’s mouth pushed and dragged against him, the friction perfect and delicious. Castiel looked up, eyes glazed under thick lashes. “Cas.” Dean cried, and the man above him continued his assault, increasing his speed and applying more pressure, a little drag of teeth here and there to tease him beyond belief. “Cas..” He begged for more, the name becoming a mantra on his tongue. Castiel’s lips curved into a smile as they slid up to his head and he licked at his slit, eyes connecting for a brief, tantalising moment. Dean could only grunt when Cas dipped back down over his cock again and he could feel his release building, glorious pressure in his chest that had him clawing at the leather seats and gasping in air.

“Cas… Caass…” His voice broke as he released his load and Cas sucked him through the aftershocks, leaving him shuddering. Castiel pulled away with a pop and a wicked grin, and Dean, still catching his breath, tugged him upwards by the arm, hands shooting down to fumble with Castiel’s fly and hastily grasping at his cock. Cas groaned as he was encompassed by Dean’s long, tough fingers and shuddered as they began to work, fingering at his slit as they reached his tip, massaging into the precome that had escaped there. 

He lifted and dragged and worked him impeccably, and it was only seconds before Castiel was coming too, having been so worked up, and he shuddered his release over Dean’s hand and hip while they kissed fervently. 

Once they’d caught their breath and were coming down from their highs, Dean began to laugh, from happiness and elation and hilarity. “How am I supposed to get upstairs to the shower without attracting suspicion?” He chuckled. “Your come is all over me.” 

Cas shrugged, a smile of his own playing at his lips. He groped on the car floor for his shirt. “Just use this.” He suggested. “It’s ruined anyway.” 

Dean took the crisp linen fabric from his lover and wiped himself off. “It’s kinda fun, this sneaking around.” He admitted. Cas grinned and dipped his head in for a kiss. 

A few minutes later they emerged into Castiel’s living area on the ground floor, Dean bare chested, covering his scars as he clutched onto Castiel’s dirty shirt, and Cas wearing Dean’s old T-shirt. They crossed the room to the staircase leading up to the bedrooms, but Kevin caught them before they could ascend. He took Castiel by the arm and glanced almost nervously around the room, checking they were alone. Cas eyed him anxiously. 

“If you two want to keep this-” He gestured between the two men. “-a secret, you need to be more careful, and remember where the cameras are.” Kevin whispered, and Cas felt his heart begin to race. Dean’s cheeks turned an uncomfortable shade of pink. “Naomi’s already suspicious.” 

Cas found himself unable to speak, he felt as though he was being scolded by a school teacher or a parent. As if in understanding, Kevin rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to tell.” He insisted. “From my point of view it’s none of anyone’s business, but you know what she’s like, she has ways of knowing things.” 

“Thanks, understood.” Dean muttered, Cas still shocked into silence. He took Cas’s arm and yanked him forward, leading him upstairs while Kevin sauntered back out to the security booth. When they were safely shut inside Castiel’s bedroom, Dean turned to face Cas. “Oops.” He grimaced. 

Cas covered his face with his hands, running them down his cheeks until his exposed eyes met Dean’s. “At least it wasn’t Naomi that saw, I guess.” He said quietly. 

“Yeah, Kevin’s a good guy.” Dean smiled. He bit his lip and Cas shook his head as if in disbelief. Dean grinned and leaned in to kiss him. He responded warmly but pulled away before things could get heated. 

“I need to shower, Naomi’s gunna be mad.” He said, looking over at the clock which was now displaying the time of 3pm. 

Dean let out a laugh. “You are on a schedule after all.” 

 

*

 

Later that night, when Castiel had returned and was sat in front of the TV, leaning back in his squashy couch with Dean at his side, he turned his head at the sound of the door opening to see Naomi entering the room behind them. Hopefully she was about to tell them she was leaving for the night, and he could commence the make out session he’d been fantasising about all day. He shot her a warm smile as she took a seat on the couch to their side. 

“One more thing before I leave, Castiel, have you decided on a date for your flight out?” She asked with a bored tone. Cas shuffled nervously on his seat, and Dean looked up at him curiously. 

“Are you going somewhere?” He asked innocently. 

“You haven’t told him?” Naomi looked at Castiel, surprised. 

Cas felt his cheeks turning pink and an overwhelming urge to leave the room. He took a deep breath, but Naomi continued before he could speak, and his face contorted automatically into a wince at her lack of damage control. 

“He’s going to London for six months, filming for his next project.” 

Dean sat back in the couch, inhaling deeply and not speaking. Cas winced at the bombshell Naomi had casually dropped, and after rubbing his face in his hands he glanced over to her. “Naomi, will you give us a minute?” He asked quietly. 

“It’s a simple question, Castiel, with a yes or no answer.” 

“London, England?” Dean mumbled. 

“What other London is there?” Naomi rolled her eyes, incredibly confused as to what was going on. Her mind began to scrutinise - why was Dean suddenly upset? He was just staying here a while, wasn’t he? Surely he was going to go home at some point. Was there more to this than met the eye? Their relationship was nothing if not complicated but she hadn’t given much thought to the idea that there might be something else going on here. 

Castiel winced, his urge to flee had returned at full strength, but he stood his ground. “Naomi, please.” He muttered. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

Naomi stood, holding her hands raised in surrender, and strode irritably from the room. The tension she left behind was palpable. Dean remained seated, staring at the floor, while Cas, still next to him, eyed him cautiously. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither sure what to say to the other.

“How long have you known about this?” Dean asked quietly, voice shuddering with nerves or anger, Cas wasn’t sure which. 

“A few weeks.” Cas admitted, sighing. 

“And you didn’t think to tell me?” 

“Of course I thought about it.” Cas grimaced. Why wasn’t his life more simple? “I thought about it every damned day. But… I just wanted to enjoy being happy for a little while.” 

“Ok… sure.” Dean brushed it off irritably. He closed his eyes, praying he had time to get used to the idea first. “When are you going?”

“Early January.” 

Great, so less than a month away. Of course this was happening. This was always going to happen. How could he have thought that this would work? That they could actually build a life together. _He was Castiel Novak_. And he was just Dean. He should have known he didn’t deserve this, that he wasn’t worthy of this, that Cas would want out before they’d even tried. 

“Dean, please…” Castiel began, voice quiet.

“For six months?” Dean interrupted in a whisper, as if in hope that he’d heard wrong.

Cas just nodded. “I want you to come.” He mumbled.

“How am I supposed to come with you?” Dean said, voice beginning to rise in frustration, it was easier to be angry than upset. He stood up and began to pace around the room. “I barely made it here from Kansas! We’re talking about _England._ I don’t think I’ve got the option to drive there or get a fucking boat. For fuck’s sake Castiel, I thought we were actually getting somewhere. I thought we were a team. I would have thought you’d think to tell me if you were fucking off halfway around the world for half a fucking year.” 

“Maybe if you talk to Jess.. she might be able to think of some way you could manage the flight.” Cas could hear the desperation in his own voice. He knew he was clutching at straws, and he also knew he’d regret not telling Dean sooner. 

Dean took a deep breath, trying to dispel the rage. “How long is the flight?” He asked, as calmly as he could muster. 

“About eleven hours.” Cas whispered, looking at the floor. 

“How did you seriously think I could come with you?” Dean chastised. “I struggle with three, and you want me to do eleven?” 

“Alright. Point received.” Cas snapped. “Obviously I was wrong.” 

They remained silent for a few moments, not meeting each other’s eyes for fear of what they might see there. 

“It’s not too late for me to call it off.” Cas said quietly. 

Dean groaned, wishing Cas hadn’t introduced that option. He knew he’d feel too guilty to stop him from going, but he wanted to so badly. “What are you going to be shooting?” He asked, trying to detract from his obvious distress. 

The corner of Cas’s mouth curved up in a small smile. He looked up to meet Dean’s gaze. “Star Wars.” 

Dean sighed loudly, made a pained noise and rubbed his face. “You can’t call it off.” He muttered. “You have to go.” 

“I know.” Cas said quietly. Dean felt like he had just been told he needed a limb amputated, his sense of impending loss felt so deep. He returned to the couch and sat back down, taking Castiel’s hand in his own and turning over his palm. 

“Will you be able to visit? Come back at weekends?” Dean asked hopefully. 

“It’s a little bit far for weekends.” Cas whispered. Dean looked away and nodded. “Will you wait for me?” 

Squeezing his partner’s hand, Dean looked to Cas and smiled sadly. “Always.” 


	18. Incident

Castiel had made good on his earlier promise, and a few days ago Dean had started working on the set, helping the mechanics who were fixing up various metal contraptions that Dean didn’t recognise. He supposed that a movie set in 16th century England could hardly be expected to need modern cars, but he’d have felt more comfortable taking a Porsche apart than he did this pulleyed system that moved lighting and cameras around the set. He got the idea, and he could see how it worked, but it just made him nervous. Today was to be the last day of filming, and this particular contraption would apparently be needed for one of the final scenes. If he could just get this fucking light to attach properly.

He hadn’t really made any friends on the set, it had been easier to keep to himself. There were a few other mechanics, but they all seemed to know that Dean was there because he was Castiel’s friend, and that apparently meant he was to be treated differently. He wasn’t bothered. Perhaps the next time he worked on a set - if there was a next time, he thought sourly, as he remembered Castiel’s impending trip - he’d make more of an effort, but they were almost done now, and it hardly seemed worth it.

The set was full of everything British, and the constant reminders of England were putting Dean in a generally sour mood. His relationship with Castiel had been strained in the week since he learned Cas would be uprooting there for six months come January. They’d barely been spared a moment together, and Cas had been spending longer than usual on the set, pushing to complete the filming by their deadline. They’d hardly had a chance to talk, and every time he remembered this sour feeling pitted in his stomach. He knew he should be making the most of the time they had left before he had to go, but he felt so empty and almost betrayed by the idea that it was hard to entertain the thought of being happy. 

From where he was working, Dean could hear the cast. It was soothing listening to Castiel’s voice, even if he was putting on a remarkably good British accent and insisting to a woman that he loved her. He tried to imagine that he was saying those things to him instead, and with every word his heart clenched painfully. He had no reason to doubt Castiel’s feelings but he couldn’t help but feel like Cas was trying to get out. Everything good always ended for him. It took him longer than it should have to realise that the woman he was talking to must be Alayna, that she had told him weeks ago that she was playing Castiel’s wife. 

 

*

 

Castiel heard the shout before he heard the bang. The whole cast turned, shocked, in the direction of the loud noise, and as their director called to cut the cameras, confusion littered the faces of everyone he could see.

Then, another voice cried out for help, and Castiel broke into a run. 

He rapidly rounded the corner separating the set from the rest of the warehouse they were shooting in, a dark feeling pitting in his stomach. Mechanics, lighting technicians, sound technicians, extras… everyone was circling around the same point. 

Castiel couldn’t see Dean.  

He reached the crowd of people and pushed his way through unabashedly, world falling apart as his eyes landed on the man in the centre of the circle, lying, unconscious on the floor, thick red blood spattered on his clothes and pooling on the ground from behind his head. 

His heart stopped for a beat. Cas rushed toward him without a thought or a care and knelt in front of Dean, reaching his arms out to pull him forward.  Stirring, Dean lashed his hand out, catching Cas unawares and hitting his jaw painfully. He grimaced at the throb but ignored it, holding Dean’s arms firmly still as he held him on his lap. Dean made a sound as if he were about to complain but he opened his eyes, and relief washed through his expression when he realised who was in front of him. 

“Cas!” He breathed, pulling his friend closer. His hands were covered in blood, and with his hug he left red handprints over Cas’s back. “Cas he’s here. He’s coming for me.” 

“What?” Cas asked, concerned, pulling away just enough to look Dean in the eye. The only emotion he could see there was fear, and he felt his heart pause in a moment of dread. 

“My dad.” Dean whispered urgently, breaking their gaze as his eyes darted nervously around the room. 

“Your dad is dead.” Cas said quietly but firmly, alarm pulsing through his veins. He turned back to the crowd of people that were still watching them. “Did anyone call an ambulance?” He shouted. Someone shouted back a yes. “What the hell happened?”

“He’s dead?” Dean repeated, confused. His eyes closed and he took a few slow breaths while Cas held him, squeezing his sides in an attempt to keep him safe. Cas placed his hand on the back of his head, but Dean shook him off, sucking in a breath at the pain, and Cas withdrew a bloody hand before peering to examine the wound he’d found there. It seemed to still be bleeding a little. 

“We think this fell and hit him.” A large man had approached them, holding up a fallen, cracked spotlight. Cas looked up, noticing the broken pattern of lights above them and concluding that he was probably right. It looked to be a part of whatever Dean had been fixing, maybe it was even his own fault. He nodded and the man retreated. 

“He is dead.” Dean whispered, letting his forehead fall onto Castiel’s shoulder. “I remember. I’m sorry.” 

Heart pounding, each pump agonising, Cas looked up to see two paramedics and a weight lifted off his chest. A mouse brown haired young man and a middle aged brunette, with hair tied tightly behind her head, dispersed through the growing crowd to join them. Cas tightened his grip around Dean protectively, pulling his legs so he was sat beside him rather than sat on his lap. 

“Hi, we’re here to help.” The woman, whose name badge introduced her as Ellie, said as she knelt down in front of them. She was cool, calm and professional, and Cas felt himself relax a little. They’d be ok. “What’s his name?” She asked Castiel.

Cas swallowed. “Dean, Dean Winchester.” 

“Ok, great.” She said, writing the name down onto the form she had on the clipboard in her left hand. “And what’s your name?” 

The male paramedic looked at her as if in disbelief and she glanced back at him, confused, having caught his gaze in her peripheral. Cas half smiled, bemused. “Castiel.” He answered, and her blush was immediate. “He’s my friend.” He added. 

“Ok… I’m Ellie, and this is James.” She stammered, suddenly a little star struck and completely mortified. 

“Do you know what happened?” James asked, saving her face.

“We think that one of the lights fell and hit him on the back of the head.” Castiel explained while James took Dean’s blood pressure, temperature and pulse. Ellie directed her gaze upward, trying to work out the length of the fall and how serious the damage would likely be. “We found him unconscious… he thinks his dad is still alive.” 

“I’m fine.” Dean insisted with a petulant roll of his eyes. He turned to Cas. “I can remember now, I just got confused.” 

“Can you tell me who the president is?” James asked while Ellie was taking notes.

Dean rolled his eyes again, his agitation obvious. “Obama.” He muttered irritably. Cas breathed out a small sigh of relief. 

“And do you know where you are and why you’re here?” 

“Yes.” Dean groaned, then, realising they wanted him to confirm that, continued. “We’re on set and I’m here because I was working. Cas is making a movie.” 

Castiel nodded, and almost forgot himself by half leaning towards Dean with the intention of kissing his cheek. He caught himself before it was irreparable, and instead wiped a smear of blood away from his jaw. Dean shot him a quizzical look.

“And do you remember what happened?” 

“No.” With a huff, Dean pulled himself away from Cas so he was sat upright. James looked on, alarmed by the sudden movement while Cas held his arms out to steady him. Dean glared at them both, but was ignored, and Cas kept a firm hold on his back. 

“Try and keep still.” James ordered. “We need to assess your condition, your heart rate is very high, but your blood pressure was normal. Hopefully that’s because of the shock and there isn’t any extensive bleeding.” 

Dean frowned, but did what he was told. He wouldn’t admit it but he felt a bit faint after sitting up so quickly. He didn’t feel quite right, actually, but he didn’t want to make Castiel any more anxious than he already was. The actor’s hand had found its way to his back, and a glance over to his friend showed him how worried he was. He wished he had a better way of reassuring him, but squeezed Cas’s leg gently. 

After James had looked at the back of Dean’s head, poked, prodded, and made a dissatisfied sound, Castiel looked on the verge of a panic attack of his own. He was chewing his bottom lip incessantly and breathing rapidly. Dean winced at both the residual pain from his head wound and the sight of his discomfort. He wished they were alone. They were never alone. Even ten minutes…

“Do you have medical insurance?” Ellie asked suddenly, interrupting Dean’s visual examination of Castiel. 

“Yes-” He answered, while Cas simultaneously insisted on having him transferred to his private hospital and footing all of the bills. 

“I have insurance.” He repeated firmly, glaring at Cas who glared back without understanding. The paramedics exchanged an uncomfortable look at their domestic squabble.

“We think it would be for the best if we arrange transfer into hospital for some head scans, just to check that there is no bleeding internally, on your brain. I’m hoping it’s just a concussion, but due to the loss of consciousness this is the safest option.” James informed them. Castiel sucked in a panicked breath. “Are you happy for us to do that?”

Dean sighed, but nodded, fairly sure that if he’d declined Castiel might have had a heart attack. “I need to use the bathroom.” He said, and scrambled to his feet, wobbling slightly.

 “Not alone!” Ellie and James insisted in unison. 

Castiel was already ahead of them, standing next to Dean with his arm around his waist in support. Dean shot him half a smile and hung his arm over Cas’s shoulder, and Cas led him into a simple bathroom comprising of a toilet, wash basin and hand drier. As soon as the door was shut behind them Dean drew him into a tight hug, and he returned it warmly. 

“You need to go back to work.” Dean said when Castiel finally let him go. He was fine, he’d decided. A bit wobbly, sure, but he’d survive.

“What?” Cas asked, shocked. “And leave you like this? Do you have any idea how serious this could be?” 

“I heard what he said Cas. But you’re being really obvious, and in case you’ve forgotten it was your idea to keep us a secret.” 

“Don’t use that against me!” Cas complained. 

“You know I’m right. _And_ you know you have to finish today.” 

“So if it was the other way around you’d leave me to go to the hospital alone?” Cas countered. 

“I’m not the movie star here. I’ll be fine Cas, I promise.” 

“I don't want to leave you.” 

“You have to. They can finish this movie without me but they need you. You can come and see me as soon as you’re done.” 

“And what if there _is_ something wrong?” 

“Then I’ll text you.” Dean was adamant. “If you can get this done today then you’ve got more time off, right? Everyone has. Plus Naomi’s suspicious that something’s up already, if you let me go alone it might convince her otherwise.” 

Cas groaned, knowing he was beaten. And to some extent Dean was right, he’d already taken too much of everyone else’s time, plus he’d need to shower, he had Dean’s blood all over him. Dean smiled, realising he’d won. He took a step forward and kissed Cas gently on the lips, one of the most intimate moments they'd shared since the reveal of Castiel’s impending trip. Castiel couldn’t help but let his lips curl into a smile at the gesture, it had felt like a lifetime since he’d been able to do that. This last week, it had been so late by the time they’d been getting home that they’d fallen immediately to sleep as their heads hit their pillows.

As he pulled away, Dean smiled, but it quickly faded as an onslaught of dizziness and nausea hit him hard. He watched Cas’s expression return from calm to panic and as he turned to empty his stomach into the toilet bowl Cas was wrenching the door open and shouting for Ellie and James to help him. As the wave passed Dean rolled back so he was sat against the wall, shivering, and Cas had been bundled out of the way so that James could peer over him. He was asking more questions, and it was all Dean could do to nod or shake his head. 

“Better?” James asked after his shivering had subsided. Dean nodded his head yes, but there was still a pounding headache, and where he’d been straining his head wound was throbbing. James was explaining his need for some IV fluids and Dean reluctantly agreed to a line in his arm which James fitted expertly, leaving Dean frowning at the sore appendage. He glanced through the door to see Castiel peering in, expression full of concern, and he smiled at him in hopes that it would be calming, but Cas just bit his lip. 

A few moments later and they were walking to the back of the ambulance, Dean following slowly behind Ellie and James, Castiel at his side, holding him up. As they approached, the two paramedics climbed automatically into the back and Dean hesitated at the bottom. He turned to Cas who looked as if he was about to protest. “I’ll see you later.” He said firmly. 

Cas inhaled, frustrated, but nodded. He wrapped his arms quickly around Dean and buried his face in his shoulder. “I love you.” He whispered, just loud enough for Dean to hear. He pulled away before anyone could get suspicious and Dean smiled at him before he turned and climbed up the steps into the ambulance. 

 

*

 

The rest of the afternoon went fairly well, as it were. Cas seemed to be channeling his distress into his acting, which fitted perfectly with the remaining scenes, and even Alayna looked impressed when the director finally called it a wrap. He wanted desperately to drop everything and leave, but being the last day he had some goodbyes he needed to say, and it was another hour before he was changed and sitting, agitated, in the back of one of his cars being driven to the hospital. 

He all but ran into the main reception, Kevin at his side muttering complaints about his speed.   
  
“You do realise you’re younger than me?” Castiel teased as they reached the front desk. Kevin shot him a glare. The hospital was a sight different to the one Castiel had been admitted to earlier in the year, the exterior was ugly - a tall, concrete tower with long rectangular windows, a flat roof with a multitude of chimneys and ventilation systems, and the interior was no better. In fact, it reminded Cas of an acting role he’d played early in his career, when he’d played a nurse in a run down hospital. The laminate flooring and bored, magnolia walls lit up by unattractive fluorescent lighting were exactly like the ones in the hospital where they’d filmed the show. They’d tried, (a little) to cheer the place up for Christmas, but the tacky tinsel and the sad, plastic tree did nothing to improve anyone’s mood. 

He was getting sick of the sight of hospitals. Castiel tapped his foot impatiently as the woman behind the bulletproof glass talked, uninterested, down the phone. He could hear what she was saying, and it was obviously a personal call. He fidgeted irritably, but as Kevin stood stoically still, impartial, he felt it would be too rude to interrupt. It seemed an age before she finally hung up. 

“I’m here to see Dean Winchester?” He smiled. 

The woman shook her head without sympathy. “Visiting time isn’t for another half hour.” 

Cas sucked in a breath, ready to argue, but Kevin nodded and with a hand on his shoulder led him back out to the car. Once inside, he pulled out his phone and sent a message to Dean: 

“They won’t let me in for half an hour, are you ok? Any news?”

No matter how hard he stared at his phone, no reply came. He let out a frustrated noise after a few minutes, and Kevin raised his eyebrows. 

“Why did he have to insist on coming to this stupid hospital? Why wouldn’t he just let me sort it out?” Castiel complained, pouting. 

“Maybe he wanted to prove he can look after himself?” Kevin suggested with a shrug. It seemed obvious to him. Dean was having some sort of crisis over the impending separation, of course he’d want to prove he could take care of himself. He wouldn’t want to get used to relying on Castiel and his money when it was about to be taken away. Kevin enjoyed working for Castiel, but recently he was wondering if he’d have had less drama if he’d applied to work for Miley Cyrus. 

“He’s 28 years old. I know he can look after himself.” Cas insisted. Kevin sighed, rolling his eyes, and resumed his previous activity of looking out of the window. Castiel sat watching the minutes tick by on his phone, minutes without word from Dean. 

“Why hasn’t he replied?” He wondered aloud. 

“He’s probably asleep, or busy.” Kevin reluctantly turned back to his boss, one eyebrow raised at the other man’s impatience. He didn’t have a significant other. He’d never really held down a steady girlfriend, so he supposed it was difficult to sympathise, but he could tell Castiel was having a hard time of it. It was clear to him that their communication skills were considerably lacking, he just didn’t get why. Why did it have to be so difficult? He wanted desperately to intervene, to slap their faces and force them to just talk properly, but it wasn’t exactly his place. 

“But what if there’s something really wrong?” 

“Then he’ll tell you in… five minutes.” 

Castiel only lasted another minute in the car, and before Kevin knew it he’d followed his trail back to the hospital reception. The woman made an exaggerated motion of checking the time to indicate her annoyance, but in the end agreed to let them through. She took down Kevin’s name, and when Castiel told her his she scoffed a laugh as if he was joking, narrowing her eyes then when she realised he was deadly serious and that faint recognition she’d felt when she’d first seen him began to make sense. 

Upon reaching the ward office, Cas had palpitations. He felt a weird mix of guilt, anger, and worry washing through him with every heartbeat, and knew he wouldn’t feel right until he had his arms around the man he loved, knew he was safe. His heart fell as the nurse in charge informed him that Dean had been taken for a scan and wasn’t currently on the ward, and that no, Castiel could not go and find him there. She led them to Dean’s bed and pulled the ugly floral curtain around them for privacy, leaving without another word. Cas felt like the universe was out to get him, but at least she hadn’t made a show of who he was if she had recognised him. Small victories, he had to remind himself. Cas looked around, noticing Dean’s phone lying on the table with his message still unread. 

It was another ten minutes before Dean returned. He pulled back the curtain and stepped into the bed space, breaking out into a wide grin when he saw his visitors in front of him. Cas’s heart flipped as he looked up to see him stood there, wearing an over-laundered hospital gown, with his head bandaged, clinging on to a drip stand with an IV attached. He immediately jumped out of his seat and crossed to Dean, flinging his arms around him and clutching him tightly to his chest. He could feel Dean’s smile on his shoulder, and he pulled back just enough to press a desperate, panicked kiss onto Dean’s lips while Kevin shuffled awkwardly in his chair. Cas was suddenly glad the security guard was in on their secret, although he wouldn’t have been able to hide it today anyway, he was sure. Kevin knew him eerily well. 

“Are you ok? Did they find anything?” Cas asked worriedly when they broke apart. 

Dean shrugged with a smile, still holding on to Castiel’s waist. “I don’t know yet, apparently a doctor has to look at the scan and then they’ll come and speak to me.” 

“You still don’t know?” Cas asked in disbelief, and Dean could see the anger flash in his eyes. He lifted his hands to grab Cas’s shoulders, forcing him to look him in the eye. 

“Hey… I’m fine.” He insisted, more calmly than he really felt. He was freaking out in reality. He hated hospitals. He’d felt a bit trapped in the CT scanner, but at least they hadn’t wanted an MRI. He wasn’t sure he could have handled one of those. “It’ll be fine. They said someone will come to speak to me soon. How did the shoot go? Did you finish?” 

Dean lay back down in the bed and Castiel took the seat next to him while he told him about the rest of his afternoon. 

“I didn’t see Caleb to say goodbye, but I think I caught everyone else.” 

“That’s a shame.” Dean grinned, his distaste for the man obvious. Cas smiled back and nudged him in the chest as the curtain moved again, this time making way for a male doctor in blue scrubs, stethoscope hanging from his neck and clutching onto a clipboard. 

“Mr Winchester? I’m Dr O’Brian” He asked with a smile. Dean nodded. The doctor looked at Castiel, and his eyes narrowed. “Have we met before?” He asked curiously. 

“I doubt it.” Cas said, a little embarrassed. Dean laughed next to him and he shot him a glare. 

“He’s an actor.” Dean informed the doctor.

“Oh! Anything I might have seen?” O’Brian smiled. 

“Probably.” Kevin was smirking. 

Dr O’Brian looked between the three with a hint of confusion on his face, but when no more information was forthcoming he resumed looking at the notes on his clipboard. “I’m happy to say Mr Winchester that there was no evidence of any bleeding or anything else that might be concerning. Your scans were normal, and there were no fractures to the skull. Your symptoms are all conclusive of concussion.”

 Castiel sighed audibly in relief, and Dean smiled at him. “Told you.” He whispered. 

“Can he come home?” Cas asked. Dean felt his heart twang a little uncomfortably at having the LA mansion referred to as home. It wouldn’t be home for much longer.

“I’d like to keep him in overnight just for observation, but I would imagine by the morning he can be discharged, yes.” 

Dean thanked him as Cas frowned, and as the doctor took his leave, Dean reached out to Castiel’s chin and pulled him down into a kiss. From outside the curtain, they could hear Dr O’Brian speaking quietly to a nurse.

“Who’s that guy in there with him? I really recognise him, they said he’s an actor. Is he famous?” 

The nurse giggled. “It’s Castiel Novak.” 

 

*

 

An hour or so later, after visiting had been declared over, Castiel walked side by side with Kevin back through the reception, heading for the car and for home. They remained silent, Cas’s thoughts firmly on the man he was leaving behind for the night. He strode out into the cold open air without thinking, and it was only when Kevin stepped protectively in front of him and pushed him back into the reception they’d just exited that Cas realised what was happening. The paparazzi had found him again. He could see the constant flashes of light from cameras outside and he cursed his luck for what seemed like the millionth time that day. 

Kevin was way ahead of him, talking to the woman on the front desk, asking for an alternative exit. She, for once, actually seemed interested in what he was saying. Cas allowed himself to be led down several corridors to a staff exit into a car park. Kevin had radioed ahead and their car was right outside the door, Castiel bundling in to it in stealth mode like he had done so many times before. He remained silent as Kevin climbed in next to him and the car pulled away. 

“What is it?” Kevin asked when they were halfway home, suspicious of Castiel’s dark mood. Cas just shrugged, refusing to answer, refusing to admit to himself, let alone anyone else, that he was starting to tire of the lifestyle he’d craved for so long, that perhaps he just wanted something simpler and less intrusive. He had so much hidden away that he didn’t want them to know. That he didn’t want anyone to know, even Dean. “London?” Kevin guessed. 

Castiel shrugged again with a small, audible sigh. It wasn’t a total lie, London was bothering him considerably. Kevin rolled his eyes, taking it as confirmation. “Why won’t he come?” He asked curiously, wondering once again why his job title didn’t state personal therapist as well as security.

“He’s scared of flying, isn’t he?” Cas reminded him. 

“Then don’t fly so much.” Kevin said simply, as if it should be obvious. “Drive him to the East coast and fly from there. Fly via Reykjavik if you have to.” 

“Reykjavik?” Cas raised an eyebrow, but Kevin’s idea wasn’t a bad one. Maybe if he could find some way to broach the topic again with Dean…

“Iceland?” Kevin pointed out. “It’s about as close to half way as you’d get.”

“I know where it is… I just hadn’t thought of that.” 

Castiel was silent for a long moment, mind churning out possible conversations. What would Dean say if he suggested they take the journey in steps, he wondered. Maybe if they took it day by day, with help from Jess… he was too scared to get his hopes up. Somehow, he didn’t think Dean would go for it. Maybe that was his lack of confidence talking, but he was beginning to doubt everything he thought he knew. 

“You know I’m going to have to tell Naomi about today, by the way?” Kevin added, interrupting his reverie. Cas just nodded. 

Ignoring his lack of response, Kevin continued negotiating a timely, secure discharge for Dean with the hospital staff over the phone. When they arrived back at his home, Castiel stole away into his bedroom, sulking, and despite knowing that he wouldn’t be able to sleep, he climbed into his bed, taking advantage of the rare time alone to let his overwhelming emotions take over as he began to cry.

 

*

 

All night, into the early hours of the morning, Castiel tossed, turned, and stared blankly at the ceiling. Sleep evaded him, much as happiness did. He wondered when life got so complicated, how he ever thought he’d be able to maintain a normal relationship with anyone when he was constantly pulled in so many conflicting directions. He thought about Dean a lot. He thought about how they were going to cope being apart, what Dean would do with his time when he was in London, whether he would feel the same as he did now when he eventually returned. He worried about his injury, and whether the doctors might have missed anything. He sent a quick ‘I miss you’ text at one point in the night, but he had no response. He was trying not to think about it, but in the depths of the night he had begun to worry once again that Dean’s feelings for him may not have been as strong as he’d hoped - after all, he’d declined to come with him point blank. But he was just being paranoid, wasn’t he? Dean was probably sleeping soundly, he decided. He had to have faith. It was that or admit his whole world was falling apart, every tiny individual piece of it.  He thought about other things too, things that were threatening to tear his heart into pieces and break down all of his carefully built walls, things he couldn’t talk about for fear of making them real. But real they were. As he stared at his phone, he noticed the date. December 14th. Christmas was just around the corner, and then, soon after, he’d be whisked away for half a year. 

A knock at his door at 4am had him sitting up to switch on the light. Crowley entered the room at his invitation and Cas eyed him curiously. 

“They’re happy for us to pick him up.” Crowley explained. “Thought you might want to join.” 

Cas nodded, thanked him, and dragged his tired limbs out of bed to pull on some comfortable clothes. Nothing conspicuous, Kevin had warned him before they’d got back. He chose a plain black t-shirt and fur lined hoody, and a pair of comfortable old Levi’s. He met Crowley downstairs a few minutes later, and they headed out into the night. 

The car had instructions to park around the block, and Cas and Crowley were to enter in the same staff entrance as he’d left from earlier that evening. Crowley had radioed ahead to check someone was waiting for them, and together they headed across the parking lot, heads hidden under hoods, looking to the ground as they reached the building. A security guard allowed them access, and escorted them up to the ward where Dean was waiting, grinning, with his head still bandaged. Cas brightened at the sight of him, stepping easily into a hug. He wanted to kiss him, but it would have to wait until they were alone. He could control himself at this moment.

As they walked back down to the exit in silence, Dean squeezed Castiel’s fingers behind Crowley’s back. Cas shot him a tired smile. They made it out of the building without attracting any attention, walking back to the car without anyone noticing they were there. There were perks to the early hours after all, Cas reasoned. 

Once back at the house, Crowley disappeared immediately, and Dean scooped Cas back into a hug, smiling as he released him. He was struggling to ignore the sadness in Castiel’s eyes. 

“Let’s go back to bed.” He said quietly. Cas nodded and followed him upstairs, slipping out of his clothes and back under the covers. The mattress had cooled in the time it had taken to collect Dean, and he found himself shivering a little from the December chill. Dean scooted in next to him, wrapping an arm around Cas’s shoulder and pulling him closer. Dean pressed a kiss onto Castiel’s forehead. “You haven’t slept at all, have you?” He asked, and Cas shook his head. 

“I love you.” Dean whispered. He felt a wetness touch his shoulder and it was only then that he realised Castiel was crying, over what exactly he was unsure, although he could make a few guesses. There was a silent acknowledgement that Cas didn’t want to talk about it. He pulled him closer, rubbing small circles into his back, and, after a little while, they both fell asleep. 

 

*

 

After only a few hours, they were woken again. Naomi entered the bedroom, eyebrows raised at the sight of the two men clutching each other, asleep, and proceeded to clear her throat. Cas looked up, noticed her, and hurried out of bed, laughing off the situation he’d just been caught in. Dean, ever a terrible morning person, grunted, and rolled over, trying to fall back to sleep. Cas forced a smile onto his lips and followed Naomi from the room, grimacing when he checked his watch and saw the time displayed as 8.34am. He’d forgotten all about the interviews he had booked for today. 

He joined Naomi as she sat down at the dining table. 

“Kevin told me about yesterday.” She said, without emotion. “I’ve rebooked your morning interview, he said you picked Dean up at half four this morning?” 

Cas was surprised at the thoughtfulness. “Uhm, yeah. Thanks.” He mumbled. 

“Is Dean ok?” She asked, and Cas wondered for a moment if she actually did care. 

“Yeah, I think so.” He smiled. 

Naomi’s face became serious. “Are you ok?” She said suddenly. 

Cas narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, of course.” 

Her gaze had become piercing, and Castiel knew she was seeing straight though his lie. He was unsure where this sudden interest had come from. As if reading his mind, Naomi protested. “I’m not a robot, you know.” She complained. “I don’t believe you, either. You’re all over the place. You’ve not been yourself recently.” 

Looking away, Cas rubbed his face with his hands. He didn’t know how to answer without falling apart. He needed the conversation to be over if he had any chance of getting out of this in once piece, but his heart had other ideas. “I’m not really sure who myself is.” He said quietly. 

Naomi stiffened at the admission. “Do you need to see a doctor?” She asked. “Or a therapist?” 

Cas shook his head, regaining control. “I’ll be fine, I’m just dreading the move to London.” He admitted. It wasn’t a complete lie, but he had her convinced. 

“Because Dean isn’t coming?” She asked suspiciously. 

Cas tried to be nonchalant and shrugged despite his aching heart. “It’s been nice not being alone.” He smiled, and added. “No offence.” 

 

*

 

Dean bit his lip. He’d been sat, listening secretly on the landing, and now just felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He pulled himself up, ignoring his throbbing head, and scurried back into the bedroom, where he pulled on some pyjamas and did his best to force a smile. He lay back on the bed as Castiel walked back into the room, shutting the door behind him.

“You ok?” He smiled. 

Cas nodded, climbing onto the bed next to him. “Yeah, except for the fact that I’ve only had 3 hours sleep.” He complained. 

“I’m not taking the blame for that.” Dean grinned. “Not this time, anyway.” He winked. 

Cas smirked and nudged him playfully. As he looked at Dean he recognised the arousal in his green eyes, becoming painfully aware that they hadn't had sex since the Impala, and since Naomi had revealed his imminent trip. Dean dipped his lips to meet Castiel’s and Cas met them with heat, opening his mouth to Dean’s tongue and exploring him earnestly. With a painful twang of his heart, Cas pulled away. 

“Dean…” He whispered, and Dean opened his eyes to see the sadness in Castiel’s. 

“Don’t.” Dean said firmly. “Don’t think about it. Please.” He almost begged. Dean’s fingers brushed Cas’s cheek in small circles, and Cas sighed at the sensation, pushing against Dean’s hand. He opened his eyes, nodded once, and Dean plunged back in to reconnect their lips, his hands running down the length of Cas’s torso, grabbing at his waist, fingering the band of his sweatpants. Dean ground his hips down and Cas grunted, pulling Dean’s t-shirt over his head before rolling on top of him, tongues still working against each other’s. 

Both pairs of pyjama bottoms were pushed out of the way and Cas found himself gasping as their hard, bare cocks rubbed against each other. His hands fumbled to dip beneath Dean’s legs, easing them apart, and his fingers began to tease at his hole while Dean growled beneath him. Cas worked him open carefully, controlling himself despite his arousal, but Dean constantly ground his hips upwards, threatening to tip them both over the edge before he was even ready. 

When Dean was easily accepting a fourth finger, Cas pulled away, taking a few deep breaths to keep his cool before lining himself up and plunging inside his lover, watching carefully the way Dean’s face contorted into an agonising joy with every thrust. Cas leant over him, resuming their kiss as he continued to fuck into him, hitting his prostate every time and moaning into his mouth as he began to hurtle towards his climax. Dean came first, groaning his name, hot spurts of come landing over Castiel’s chest, the delicious growl escaping from him sending Castiel to follow soon after, filling him inside.  

Cas all but collapsed on to Dean’s chest, covering them both in drying come. As he caught his breath, Dean wrapped his arms tightly around his back, kissed his cheek, and closed his eyes.


	19. Christmas

December the 25th had never really held much significance in Dean’s childhood. They’d celebrated it, sure enough, but it was more of a show for Sammy’s sake than anything he truly enjoyed. The way it forced families to be together for the day had always made it a miserable event. Growing up, he’d never been allowed out to see Castiel and everything else was closed. He’d been forced to spend the day with his father, who felt it was appropriate to drink more alcohol even than usual. 

This year, however, he felt he could have enjoyed it had it not been for the overhanging gloom of Cas’s impending departure. They were joined in Castiel’s house by his mother, and by Charlie, Sam, and Jess. The three from Kansas had flown in the night before, and it had been so late when they arrived that they’d all retired quickly to bed. This was how Dean found himself with his back to his lover, Cas’s arm limply hung over his side.

Their relationship had remained strained, despite a fair amount of effort on Castiel’s part, for the time leading up to Christmas day. Dean had initially tried to remain sympathetic, but the closer January got, the darker their moods became. He had no idea how he was meant to survive without Cas for half a year, or even what he was supposed to do. He guessed he should probably go back to Kansas, but was his old life even waiting for him?

With every passing day Castiel was becoming more and more frustrated. He was annoyed with himself for so many reasons, for being who he was, (for needing to go away for six months in the first place), for his inability to voice how much he was hurting, his inability to talk it out. Maybe if Dean knew the whole truth he’d come with him. If he could just open up… but he still harboured half a hope that if he could just open his mouth and start the conversation Dean might agree to break the flight in half anyway. This time at least, because he supposed there would be other times, too. But his fear was holding him back, and with every day that Dean became more reserved he felt unable to bring it up, unable to talk in case it pushed him over the edge. 

And yet, as he lay on his back with his hand draped loosely over Dean’s abdomen, those forbidden emotions began to bottle to the surface. “Dean?” He began with confidence, but it was quick to fade. “We need to talk.” Castiel could feel the tension clawing at Dean’s muscles, felt the way it rippled through him and gripped him viciously. He hardened in defence under Castiel’s touch, and it hurt that he needed to brace so much. 

“Not tonight.” He grunted in return, his breathing shallow. “When they're gone.” 

Castiel breathed out a long, slow breath, the remainder of his courage escaping, but made no reply. The moment grew steadily more awkward, and eventually Dean rolled over, looking Castiel in the eye and examining the odd mix of emotions within. He softened at the sight, and brought a hand up to Cas’s cheek, his thumb running across his jaw. They said nothing, and for a few moments Dean felt strangely at peace. Leaning in slowly, with every chance for Cas to escape, he pressed their lips together, still in wonder that he was allowed to do that, and he felt the warmth as Cas pushed against him, but took it no further. Dean eyed him sadly as he pulled away, and he rolled over to switch off the lamp. 

In the weeks that had passed, the nightmares had returned. He woke frequently, stirring Castiel beside him on more than one occasion, earning a worried, half awake question or a tightened hug in return. They were the usual dreams, mostly. Running and hiding, his normal torture. But what he wouldn’t own up to was that sometimes, if he’d been feeling particularly low, Castiel might be the one holding the knife.

He was starting to wonder if the journey was really the problem. Starting to wonder if it was all in his head, if he did actually need help. It wouldn’t stretch the imagination far if he did, he supposed, after all he’d been through in his early life. As the days had gone by and the topic had remained taboo, it had become harder and harder to breathe. Harder to remember that elated feeling he’d had when he’d been told he was loved. Harder to remember that he was loved, even despite the repeated reminders. It was hard for him he supposed, because he didn’t know how to be loved. 

Was this all just a product of his deep seated insecurity? His conviction that he was worth less than nothing? Was he really just feeling so vulnerable and low that he’d pass up on this… it wasn’t even an opportunity, it was a chance at a new and happy life. Every beat of his heart was painful and calculated, forced. Every breath was an effort. With every minute that passed in this confusion he was hurting. He wanted desperately to talk, to shout, to fix all the problems he so frequently created, but he had no idea where to start, or how to let Cas know how he was feeling. 

Because honestly, he wanted badly to go. He didn’t want to stand at the airport watching while Cas flew out of his life again. He didn’t want to go back to Kansas, plagued by journalists who would still surely be speculating away. He didn’t want to be left alone. He wanted to stay with him, to be with him, to be near him. No matter where they were he wanted them to be together. He would have loved to spend time on the Star Wars set, would have loved to get to know the cast and crew and all the secrets of the movie, would have loved to never let Charlie live it down. 

But he couldn’t do it, could he? Even if he accepted that there was more to his fear than the travelling, even if he came up with some way to talk to him, he would still be unable. Perhaps Castiel had been right at the first, maybe Jess could help? Maybe he’d try to speak to her alone, but even so, eleven hours was a long time.

 

*

 

They were both so used to hiding their relationship, or at least what currently remained of it, that they had all but forgotten they didn’t need to. Dean hadn’t failed to notice the odd looks Charlie had been shooting at him that morning. They’d lazed around while Evelyn, Jess, and Sam were fixing up the dinner in the kitchen, and she had tried to quiz them about how things were going but their answers had been short and there were constant interruptions. It was frustrating her no end to see that in a month without her they’d descended back into chaos, because it was obvious that once again they were both hurting. A while later, when Cas went to help Evelyn to serve up their dinner, Charlie, Sam and Jess cornered Dean. 

“What’s the deal?” Charlie demanded crossly. “I thought when I left last time that you two had things figured out.” 

“What?” Dean asked innocently, heart throbbing irritably at the lie on his lips. “We do.” 

“Like hell you do.” Sam grumbled. 

“It’s like you’re treading on eggshells around each other.” Jess said simply. 

“It’s nothing.” Dean pouted, and turned to walk away. 

Charlie grabbed him by the shoulder. “No you don’t, Winchester. I know that look. That’s your bottling up emotions and running away face. What’s going on?” 

Dean sighed, running his hands through his hair. Charlie would never drop it, she never dropped anything, he knew that from experience. It was easier to give in, and a large part of him wanted to, he needed their help. “He’s leaving.” He explained. 

“Leaving where? And why?” Charlie insisted. 

“He’s going to London, for a shoot, for six months from next week.” 

Charlie looked at him, completely confused and a little annoyed. Sam bit his lip in complete understanding whilst trying to remain sympathetic, and Jess just looked like she was thinking. 

“Ok… and why wouldn’t you go with him?” Charlie asked finally after a few moments of silence. 

“I can’t fly.” Dean admitted quietly. It wasn’t something many people knew about, even Charlie. He didn’t advertise the fact, he was embarrassed by it.

“Can’t or won’t?” She accused with a shrug. ”You flew here. Twice.”

“With difficulty.” 

“Why didn’t you ask me?” Jess complained, interjecting suddenly. “I could have organised something for you.” 

“It’s an eleven hour flight, Jess. Even if you come up with some miracle drug I just don’t know if I can manage that.” Dean looked at the floor and shuffled his feet uncomfortably. 

“You’d rather be without him for six whole months than face your fear?” Jess snapped, and Dean was shocked at the anger in her tone. He’d never known her to lose her cool. She was seeing straight through him, like she always did. “You know you’re being a coward, Dean, and you’re being selfish. You’d rather sacrifice your happiness, and his, just because you’re scared?” 

Everyone looked at her, surprised at her outburst. Dean felt like he was being scolded by a teacher and his cheeks turned pink, but then maybe this was the kick up the ass he needed. 

“I know you don’t like flying but you were more than willing to come here to see him before. It might suck and it might be hard but you can do it if you just put your mind to it. Besides, you know as well as I do that flying isn’t really what this is about. Stop covering your ass with excuses and trying to find reasons to escape.” She continued angrily. “You have to understand that you’re allowed to be happy, that you do deserve him, no matter what your asshole father did to you.” Sam shot her a confused look and Dean looked back at the floor, wide eyed. He didn’t know she knew about that. 

“You are worthy of him, he is worthy of you, and you actually fucking love each other. Don’t sabotage this. Do yourself a favour, accept whatever miracle drug I can get for you and grovel, and you might just get away with acting like an idiot child.” She finished. 

Charlie raised her eyebrows, impressed and a little shocked. Maybe she should have been more direct before, she thought briefly. A quick glance at Sam showed he was still processing the comment about his father.  

“Jess…” Dean tried to protest. “You don’t understand.”

“What don’t I understand? No buts.” She said irritably. “This is for your own good.” She marched out of the room and returned only moments later, dragging a very confused looking Castiel roughly by the arm to stand next to Dean. Cas looked around at the others, all of whom were avoiding eye contact and shuffling awkwardly. 

“Dean has something to say.” Jess insisted, glaring at Dean who was still looking at the floor. 

Cas turned to face his friend, bracing himself for whatever might be about to happen. After a pause, Dean looked up to meet his gaze, and Cas was surprised to note he appeared almost embarrassed. Dean opened his mouth to speak, but he was struggling to find the words. He wished the ground would open and swallow him whole, or at least that the others would give them some privacy. He would be so lucky. 

“I’m sorry.” He began, and tears started welling in his eyes. He was determined not to cry in front of his brother. Her statement had hit home, and if he was being honest, she was right, at least partly. She was definitely underestimating his fear of flying, or of being trapped, whatever the fear actually was, but she did have a point. He’d given up without even trying, and in truth, he had been waiting for things to go wrong. Everything always went wrong, why not this? His life was just one long story of pain, but maybe it didn’t have to be. He swallowed. “Maybe Jess is right.”

“About what?” Cas asked, confused, while Charlie smiled brightly. He reached out a hand and took Dean’s own, squeezing it tightly, startled by Dean’s distress. It was hurting to see his pain, particularly knowing that he’d caused it. He’d been through so much, he deserved just to be happy for once.

“She said I’m being an idiot. That I’m sabotaging this on purpose because I don’t feel like I deserve it, like I deserve you.” Dean’s tears escaped without his permission. Cas narrowed his eyes and pulled him into a hug. 

“Let’s go and talk.” He whispered, and with Dean’s gentle nod he pulled him from the room, glaring a little at the friends they left behind, confused as to Dean’s sudden meltdown. 

Cas sat down on the bottom step of the staircase, his stomach pitted with nerves and anxiety. They were going to have to talk this out properly, with no room for miscommunication, and that scared him. Dean followed suit, perching next to him, wiping tears away with his hands. 

“What happened?” Cas asked. 

“They wanted to know why we were acting weird.” Dean almost whispered. 

“Oh.” Cas sighed, dejected. 

“Then Jess yelled at me, she said I’m being selfish, and a coward.” When Cas didn’t answer, Dean looked over to him.  “She’s right, isn’t she?” 

“What are you really scared of?” Cas asked quietly. He had no idea what was going on inside Dean’s mind. He didn’t want to speculate on whether there was more to why he didn’t want to come. Whether it was the truth or not he was happy to believe it was just a crippling fear of flying that was holding them apart. 

“Losing you.” Dean admitted. 

“And you thought the answer would be to let me leave you for six months?” Cas sighed defensively, his words a reflex reaction he regretted almost instantly. 

“No… I mean… I guess it’s a self preservation thing.” Dean muttered. 

“I’m scared of losing you too.” Cas said, squeezing his hand. Shit. There _was_ more to this than he’d realised, wasn’t there? “Terrified. Which is why when you said you won’t come with me, it really hurt.” 

“So you do think I’m being a selfish coward?” 

“Maybe you’re being a stubborn coward.” Cas smiled, a half laugh on his lips. “But I get it, and if you really can’t do it then it’s not your fault. It doesn’t make you selfish. If anything it would make me selfish for even asking. But… I mean… I was thinking.” His tone became suddenly nervous.

“About?” Dean prompted when he went silent. 

“What if we did it in stages? I mean we could fly to New York or somewhere else on the East coast, or get a train or even drive there? Then the flight would only be… I think it’s just over seven hours from JFK to London. Or we could go to JFK then get a flight to Iceland, and then go on to London from there?”

“But you’ve already booked your tickets.” Dean reminded him, but there was a new brightness in his eyes that Castiel wished he had the courage to return. 

“So? I can cancel them.” Castiel was too scared to hope.  

“Still, that would be three flights instead of one. No, Cas, Jess is right. Thank you for trying, but I’m not sure this is about the flight, at least not entirely.” Dean said determinedly, wiping his face on the back of his sleeve. 

“What are you saying?” Cas asked nervously. He had a horrible feeling he was about to be dumped. He had no idea what Dean wanted and it felt awful.

“It’s like I’ve been waiting for something to go wrong because things always go wrong for me. But if I want this to work… want us to work… she’s right, I’ve got to make it happen. I can’t let you go alone.” Dean inhaled sharply. “I don't know how… I’ll need to talk to Jess, but…I’m coming.” 

“Really?” Cas’s mouth hung open a little in surprise. He hadn’t expected that.

“Really. I mean, this isn’t going to be a one off, is it? How many more times would you have to fly off somewhere and leave me behind? I have to get over it sooner or later, don’t I? You’ll have to book another ticket.” He grinned nervously, and Cas threw his arms around him happily, pressing kisses into his cheek. 

“Would you be mad if I said I booked you one all along? Just in case?” Cas whispered guiltily, and Dean rolled his eyes, laughing as he captured Cas’s lips in his, kissing him firmly. 

“I’m sorry I’m such a dick.”

“As long as you’re my dick, I’ll cope.” Cas smirked, and Dean kissed him again. 

 

*

 

After an exemplary turkey dinner courtesy of Evelyn, Sam, and Jess, they all sat down in the living room around an open fire, ready to exchange gifts. The mood was considerably brighter since Dean and Castiel had made up, and Charlie was beginning to wonder if she did prefer their now frequent displays of affection to their pent up angst. She watched them curled up together, laughing at private jokes unheard by the rest of the group and smiled, glad they were happy. 

Sam and Jess exchanged their presents first, Jess beaming at the beautiful diamond necklace he fastened around her neck, while he grinned at the new video game and clothes she had bought him in return. Evelyn too, had been given a matching jewellery set by her son. Charlie had opened an array of computing accessories and joke gifts, her favourite being a printed out photo of Jo in a pink frame surrounded by hearts that Dean had created for her. She couldn’t help but laugh. Next it was Dean’s turn, and after opening a hand-knitted sweater Jess had made for him, he turned to a long thin box that Cas presented him with. He ripped open the paper, opening the box with a gaping mouth to a slim fitting, silver Rolex with green numerals. He turned to Castiel with amazement and kissed him firmly. 

“You really shouldn’t have.” He whispered the expression knowing damn well how it sounded. “You know I can’t afford to get you anything like this.” 

Castiel shrugged. “It’s fine. I just like the green, it reminded me of your eyes.” 

“You’re such a cliché.” Dean complained. “I’m embarrassed now.” He said, handing over his own gift to Cas.

Cas took it eagerly. “Don’t be. It’s from you and I’ll love it.” He carefully opened the striped wrapping paper to reveal a large leather bound scrapbook, which he opened to find an array of photos documenting their childhood. Pictures of them eating dinner together, playing in the garden on swing sets, then older photos, of them dressed up for Halloween, of them in suits at their high school prom. Cas felt his eyes well up as he turned each page, looking carefully at each of the photos and smiling with the nostalgia.

“I can’t take all the credit.” Dean whispered. “Your Mom gave me the photos.” 

Cas’s tears spilled over as he looked up at Dean. “Thank you.” He replied earnestly. “I needed this, more than you realise.” He turned to Evelyn and his eyes lingered on hers for a long moment. “Thanks Mom.” He smiled. 

Dean wrapped an arm around his back and Cas let himself sink into Dean’s side, feeling fuller and more complete than he had in weeks. Dean kissed his head, and Cas squirmed happily. 

They spent the rest of the afternoon drinking and watching terrible Christmas specials on TV. Castiel tried to insist on changing the channel when one of his own movies came on, but Sam confiscated the remote and eventually they made a drinking game out of him remembering his lines, and took turns pausing the movie and reenacting his part. 

Evelyn retired to bed earlier than the rest, who ended up, much to Castiel’s annoyance, playing another of his movies as a drinking game. Dean teased him relentlessly, and Cas found the best way to shut him up was to kiss him. After the second movie had finished, the group moved to the bar, where they served themselves shots and chasers, and took their alcohol levels from simply tipsy to fully drunk. 

The girls started playing some music, and dragged Cas between them to dance with him while Dean watched on, laughing. Sam took up a stool next to his older brother. 

“I’m happy for you, man.” Sam smiled. 

“Thanks, Sammy.” Dean grinned. He’d never actually broached the topic of his sexuality with his brother, and it still felt strange to be congratulated on his relationship with another man. 

“What did Jess mean?” Sam asked suddenly, face dark. “What she said about dad?”

Dean turned to him, not sure what to say. He wasn’t able to meet his eyes, and he could feel his cheeks turning pink. 

“What did he do to you?” Sam repeated, calmly. He was clearly trying to respect Dean’s boundaries, but he wasn’t going to drop the subject without an answer either. 

“He used to hit me.” Dean admitted, struggling to keep his voice level. He was grateful for the copious amount of alcohol in his bloodstream. “When he got angry.” 

“He never hit me.” Sam breathed, as if in thought. “And he was always angry.”

“I know.”

“You took it so I didn’t have to, is that it?” 

“More or less.” Dean shot his brother a sad smile. 

“And that’s why you left Cas the first time, isn’t it?” Sam said, putting the pieces together. “Because you were worried about what dad would do if he found out about you two?” 

Dean just shrugged and shuffled awkwardly on his feet. Sam exhaled loudly, processing the information. He flung his arms around his shorter brother and pulled him into a tight hug. 

“I didn’t want you to find out.” Dean said quietly. “I didn’t want you to think badly of him because of what he was like with me.” 

“I’m not an idiot, Dean, I knew he was an asshole before this. I do remember him coming back drunk and shouting the house down every night. But how did Jess know and I didn’t?” 

Dean smiled, and released his brother from the hug. “I don’t know how she knew… She’s always been cleverer than us Sammy, but I’ve had enough chick-flick moments to last me a lifetime.” He grinned. “Forget about him, he’s gone. But your hot piece of ass wife is looking lonely over there and I get to take that famous movie star to bed with me tonight.” 

Sam returned the smile. “We’ve done alright, haven’t we?” He winked.


	20. Mile High

It hardly seemed to Castiel like any time at all before they were in LAX, queueing up for priority boarding on their flight to England. His heart was pounding nervously as he stood next to Dean, and although he’d felt it lift like a lead weight when Dean had agreed to come with him, he was getting more and more anxious about the next twelve hours himself. Crowley was stood in front of them with Naomi, while Kevin was bringing up the rear, pushing Naomi’s carry on bag as well as his own. Dean shuffled nervously on his feet to Cas’s side. Cas placed his hand gently on Dean’s lower back, and his friend turned into his side, breathing heavily. 

Cas smiled, and Dean grinned at him. “You look like a total idiot wearing those sunglasses.” Dean chuckled, not for the first time. “Particularly since it’s dark.” 

Cas humoured him, aware that he was just trying to take his mind off of their impending flight. “Yes, but its better than signing autographs and taking selfies every two minutes.” Cas insisted, earning a nudge to his ribs in response. As he smiled back, the queue started to move, and he stepped forward with it, almost pushing Dean into motion. He snaked his arm up around Dean’s shoulder to get more traction, and after an initial resistance Dean began to move normally, holding his passport and boarding pass up to the flight crew as they ushered him through the boarding gate. 

They were among the first to board, Naomi’s organisational skills having meant they left the VIP lounge in departures with plenty of time to queue. They trailed through the aircraft, Dean needing only an occasional nudge to keep moving, and passed through until they reached business class. Naomi, Kevin and Crowley all took their seats, and Castiel gestured to Dean to keep moving. He’d booked them a private cabin to try and help with Dean’s anxiety regarding the flight. 

Dean hadn't even realised such things existed. He reached the small room and looked around it awe. By the window, two dark leather chairs sat next to each other, apparently with the ability to recline into an almost perfectly flat double bed. The seats were directly in front of a television that was built into the wall, and there was a private toilet. The little cabin reminded Dean more of a boat than an airplane, and for that, he was grateful. 

With an air of caution, Castiel took the window seat, and gestured for Dean to sit next to him. He showed no resistance and sat down confidently, but Cas could hear the heavy breathing, and when he held his wrist, he could feel his pulse pounding violently. Cas leaned over and buckled his seat belt for him, as Dean fumbled in his pocket for the pills Jess had mailed him, taking two as instructed, swallowing them whole with a gulp of the bottled water they’d bought in departures. 

“Ok?” Cas asked nervously. Dean nodded and grabbed his hand, squeezing his fingers tightly between his own. He had his eyes tightly shut, trying desperately to think of anything different, to find a happy place amongst the chaos of his mind. “I love you.” Cas whispered, leaning over to kiss his cheek gently. Dean smiled as he thought about Castiel, and nodded again. 

“I love you too.” He whispered. 

Boarding the rest of the passengers took less time than Castiel would have hoped, for once. Dean still appeared fairly lucid next to him, the effects of the pills not having quite taken over when the engine reared up. He let out a shuddered breath and Cas pulled his head onto his shoulder, clutching him tightly as the plane began to taxi to the runway. Before they knew it they were accelerating, but Dean had relapsed into such a state that he failed to notice the sounds of fear that were escaping his lips as the plane took off. Cas held him as firmly as he could through the jolted movements, and he didn’t let go until the plane levelled off a little, by which point his head was lolling and he appeared to be asleep. Castiel smiled, holding him up while he reclined the chair and leant him down to rest, before doing the same to his own. He wriggled to get comfortable, draping an arm over his sleeping partner and closing his own eyes. 

 

*

 

It was several hours before he next woke. The map displayed on the television screen showed they were still firmly over the Atlantic, yet Dean was stirring beside him. Cas eyed him cautiously, aware that he should still be asleep. Jess had insisted that the pills would knock him out for the whole flight. 

Dean opened his eyes. His initial thought was confusion. He looked over to Cas who was lying on the wrong side of him and watching him nervously. He usually slept on the other side of the bed, that was weird. He narrowed his eyes, confused, and sat up, looking around. He realised he needed to pee, and stood up quickly, scanning the unfamiliar surroundings for the bathroom. He spotted the toilet and hurried in, shutting the door behind him. His head felt fuzzy and slow and he couldn’t quite remember what was going on or where he was, but he drew comfort in the fact that Castiel was out there. When he’d relieved himself he stood at the sink washing his hands, and the toilet flushed behind him, and he realised where he was as it made that sucking sound. 

He grabbed at the door lock, opening it and stumbling out, running into Cas who was waiting outside nervously. Cas grabbed him and held him still, but he couldn’t breathe for fear, and his vision was tunnelling and he could no longer stand up. Whether it was the pills or the panic, he didn’t know, but he was going to pass out and there was nothing he could do about it. Cas was shouting at him, begging him for something but he couldn’t hear what. All he could hear was a high pitched ringing in his ears that seemed in time with the tingling in his fingers. He was on the floor, Cas had lowered him down, and then his lips were on his own but he was too numb to kiss him back. 

“Breathe you idiot.” Cas hissed, and as he heard the panic in his voice he understood what he needed to do and he forced a gulp of cold, processed air into his lungs, wincing at the pain. 

“Let me off.” He was crying. “I can’t do it. Let me off.” He begged. 

“You can’t get off here.” Cas was saying. “Keep breathing.” 

But Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to keep breathing, and it was so tempting just to give in to the overwhelming fear. His vision was going dark again and there were these pretty little dots floating in front of his eyes. It was easier to focus on them than remember the terrifying reality of where he was. 

“Dean!” Cas was pleading with him, and as Dean looked up at him he could see a tear falling from his cheek. He closed his eyes. 

Cas pressed the call bell and rolled Dean’s limp body onto its side, cursing himself for dragging him along, cursing Jess for making him believe the pills would last for the full journey, and cursing Dean for giving in. The stewardess attended them quickly, looking down with alarm as she noticed the problem in front of her. She called out to her colleagues to find any medical staff on board the plane, and knelt down behind Dean, adapting his body swiftly into the recovery position. Dean had at least started to breathe again.

Her colleague came back blissfully fast with a medical doctor in tow, and he looked on in alarm and recognition at Castiel. He bent quickly over Dean and began poking and prodding, trying to elicit a reaction. Dean’s eyes had opened, but he was staring blankly forward. The doctor looked up at Cas, who was staring down anxiously. 

“He suffers from panic attacks and he’s terrified of flying.” Castiel tried to explain. He handed him the tablets Dean had taken. “He’s taken these, our friend said they’d help.” 

“Ok.” He said quietly, looking at the packet. “His capillary refill is too quick for him to be actually unconscious. And his heart rate is very high, so I think you’re probably right, it’s a panic attack. People don’t tend to actually pass out from them but it feels to them like they might. He’s in an extreme state of panic and it should pass on its own, he’ll calm down in time. Does he have any other pre-existing medical conditions?” He asked. 

Castiel shook his head.

“Then he shouldn’t be in any danger. If he took these just before we took off then he can have two more when he’s able, they last a fair few hours.” 

Cas nodded and with the doctor’s help they lifted Dean onto the bed. He smiled gratefully and the doctor stood up to leave. “If you need me, just get the stewardesses to grab me.” He said. Cas made a mental note to send the guy a thank you gift. 

Once he’d closed the door, Cas cradled Dean’s head, feeling incredibly scared and alone. He stroked his hair gently, and bent down to kiss him on the forehead. Dean’s eyelashes fluttered at the touch of Castiel’s lips and Cas smiled, kissing his eyelids, his cheeks, and finally his lips. Dean made no response initially, but Cas persisted, praying that he’d bring him around. 

He lay down next to Dean and wrapped his arm around his back, looking into his unseeing eyes. Cas stroked a hand through his hair and leant in to kiss him again, left entirely unsatisfied by the stillness of Dean’s lips. 

After what seemed like a lifetime, but in reality was just a few minutes, Cas began to feel like Dean was broken. He was breathing at least, but he was barely moving, staring straight through Castiel like he wasn’t even there. Cas swallowed, taking in a deep breath and trying to contain his own anxiety. There was hours left of this flight.

“Come on baby.” He whispered. A thought occurred to him, and despite the sour taste it left in his mouth, he decided he didn’t have a better option. 

Cas leaned forward and kissed Dean’s unresponsive lips again, this time pulling their bodies together and letting his hand trail slowly down from his back, across his ass, onto his hip. He kissed him again as he pulled open the button on his jeans, dragged down his fly, and snuck his fingers under the elastic of his boxers. He wondered if this constituted assault. 

With one hand palming Dean’s soft cock, he dove in again, gently licking at Dean’s mouth for entrance. Eventually, Dean responded, lips moving just a fraction to push back against Castiel’s. Cas grinned, kissing him deeper, tongue dipping into him at the earliest opportunity. Dean hardened in Castiel’s hand and he gasped as Cas began to pump his length with those deliciously large, expert fingers. 

Suddenly Dean was kissing him back with passion, and thrusting into Cas’s hand in a perfect rhythm. Dean groaned, and Cas pulled away to watch his contorting face as he came, catching the mess quickly in the blankets. The sight was so mouth-watering Cas had to stop himself from coming in his pants. 

Dean panted and twitched, head still on his pillow. Cas pulled his head into his chest and stroked his hair as he caught his breath. Dean clung to him tightly. 

“Thank you.” Dean whispered. 

Cas smiled. “It’s ok. You need to take more pills if you want to get through the rest of this.” 

Dean shook his head. “I don’t like the way they make me feel.” 

“And this is any better?” Cas raised an eyebrow. 

Dean paused, groaned, and pulled back far enough to accept the tablets Cas handed him and pop them in his mouth. He swigged at the water bottle and swallowed, resuming their hug. 

“I’m so sorry.” Castiel said softly. “For putting you through this.”

Dean kissed his chest in response. “Are you hard?” He smiled, changing the subject. 

“Don’t worry about that.” Cas nudged him gently, although the answer was yes, and it was fairly uncomfortable. 

“I’d help you out but I’m not sure I can move.” Dean huffed a laugh. The plane hit a mild patch of turbulence and Dean grimaced. “Can we just talk? About anything?” 

“Sure.” Cas wriggled, getting comfortable. “How’s Charlie doing, with Bobby’s garage?” He asked, recalling their previous conversations about the business Dean had left behind in Kansas.

“She’s doing good, actually. She’s hired another mechanic to replace me so they can still keep up the numbers. Obviously the company is still in my name so I’m still getting paid but I’m sending a lot of that back to Charlie to make up for the extra work she’s doing.” 

“That’s good.” Cas smiled. “How’s her love life?” 

“Worse than ours for once.” Dean chuckled. “She’d kill me for saying this, but I think she's a bit hung up on Jo.” 

“Jo as in, from the kitchen?” 

“She does have a surname you know.” Dean laughed. “Harvelle. But yes, from your kitchen. Charlie’s staying in my apartment at the moment, you know, since someone paid off the mortgage.” He raised his eyebrows. “But she’s good.” 

Cas blushed. “And how are Sam and Jess?” 

“They’re good.” Dean began. He paused. “I meant to tell you. Sam found out about dad.” 

Cas pulled his head back just enough to look Dean in the eye. “How did he find out?” 

“Jess.” Dean sighed. “I don’t know how she knew. But when she was yelling at me on Christmas day, she said that I deserved to be happy no matter what he did to me, and Sam heard and he asked me about it after.” 

“She always was the clever one.” Cas shrugged, furrowing his brow. “Maybe she could just see it, all along. Everyone else seemed to know…” Cas sighed deeply. “I wish you’d told me when we were younger.” 

“What difference would it have made?” Dean countered. 

“I could have told my mom, we could have got you somewhere safe.” 

“Yeah somewhere miles away no doubt. And what if they’d split me and Sammy up? It was easier just to get on with it.” 

Cas exhaled slowly, unconvinced. He always felt anxious when they mentioned Dean’s past abuse. It didn’t come up in conversation very often and he harboured such a strong sense of guilt and remorse over it that it had become almost taboo. Dean didn’t exactly enjoy talking about it so they very rarely did. “How did Sam take it?” 

“He wasn’t as surprised as I thought he’d be.” 

Feeling depressed, Cas leant in to capture Dean’s lips in a slow, soft kiss. Dean smiled as Cas pulled away, his eyes beginning to squint as the pills kicked in. Cas smiled sadly back, and stroked his hair gently until he was comfortably asleep. Realising he was still exposed, Cas tucked him away and re-fastened his jeans, wondering if he should jerk one out quickly or risk having blue balls come the morning. He wasn’t in the mood any more. He curled himself back around the sleeping man, pressed a quick kiss to his forehead, and closed his eyes once again. 

 

*

 

Castiel had hoped they would be landing when they next awoke. One glance at the television screen showed him that while they were indeed a lot closer to England than they were - just passing Ireland, in fact, but they were still an hour away from arriving. His limbs were still tangled in Dean’s, whose shaking had woken him up. Cas pulled back to look down at him, but his eyes were firmly squeezed closed. His breathing was ragged. Cas ran a hand through Dean’s hair and started to breathe loudly and slowly. 

“Don’t. I’m ok” Dean whispered. “I’m ok.” He repeated, as if trying to convince himself as well as Castiel. “It’s just a plane.” He reminded himself, trying to remember that he was safe up here. He might be trapped, but he was trapped with Castiel, not his father.

“Can I help?” Cas asked quietly. Dean opened his eyes to search his partner’s. 

“Yes. Actually.” Dean said determinedly. “You can fuck me.” 

Castiel couldn’t stop the laugh that erupted from his lips. He grinned down at Dean before realising he was, in fact, deadly serious. “Seriously?” Cas asked, bewildered. 

“It worked earlier, didn’t it?” Dean countered. He gave Cas no more time to consider, pulling his mouth down to connect with his own. Castiel was hesitant to respond, surprised at the suggestion, but when Dean’s hand swam easily under the covers to palm at Cas’s cock from outside his jeans, he moaned into his mouth as he felt himself hardening beneath his touch. Dean let out a feral growl, finding it easy to distract himself with arousal, and dragged Castiel’s jeans down before working quickly on his own. Cas bucked his hips up, plunging his tongue inside his mouth as their erections brushed against each other. He grabbed at Dean’s ass, grinding them together, gasping at the friction.

Dean rolled onto his back and spread his legs eagerly. Cas lay to his side, kissing him with passion while trailing a finger slowly around his cock, dipping gingerly underneath to trace along his perineum, teasing gently at his tight hole. He pushed slowly, easing the finger inside and Dean sighed next to him, surrendering all control. The finger continued to fuck into Dean until he was ready for more, and Cas used his other hand to deliver a few tender strokes to Dean’s neglected cock. His own was pressed against Dean’s side, gaining traction with every movement, dribbling precome onto Dean’s hip. 

Adding a third finger, Castiel picked up the speed, and Dean was a mess beside him, no longer able to sustain their kisses as he uttered out only a string of gasps and curses. Cas scissored and thrusted, the sight before him teasing him beyond control. He climbed on top, lining himself up and pushing quickly inside, unable to wait, and as he bottomed out he felt like he could have been in heaven. The unfamiliar, not so private surroundings were turning him on. He plunged in and out, once, twice, three times and the ecstasy was unreal. Dean was writhing under him, his cheeks flushed pink, his eyes rolling back in their sockets. 

There was a knock at the door. 

Castiel froze, and Dean’s wide eyes focused up on him anxiously. Acting quickly, Castiel rolled back onto his side, dragging the blankets over their nakedness and under their arms. His cock slipped out and it was almost painful to have to stop, but he called out an answer and a stewardess let herself in, dropping breakfast onto the table next to the bed and explaining that they would collect the tray in twenty minutes, that they would be landing shortly after. Dean pretended he was asleep. Castiel nodded, and she left. 

As soon as the door closed behind her, Dean was grinning wildly, and Cas was struggling to catch his breath from the sex as well as the panic. Dean tugged and dragged Castiel back on top of him, and Cas looked at him helplessly. “Really?” He asked in a judgemental tone. 

Dean nodded, his hard-on still standing at attention under Castiel. It was far easier to think about Cas’s cock filling him up than the imminent landing. He reached his hand down to grasp at it, squeezing and pumping to get it hard again. Cas had softened in the surprise. He only needed a little encouragement, and with a nod to him, Dean watched as it was guided back inside of him, filling him back up. Cas looked wild when he regained his rhythm. He panted as he thrusted in and out, and Dean watched in awe and arousal as his Castiel started to come apart inside him. It was too much, that delicious mix of pain and unbearable pleasure, and when Castiel hit his prostate a final time, the stars in his eyes erupted into pure white and his hips bucked as his release poured over them both. Castiel continued to thrust, overstimulating him slowly as he twitched, but Cas had already finished and the evidence was squeezing out of him. 

“You’re so fucking hot.” Dean whispered into his ear as Cas collapsed into his chest. 

“I knew this was a bad idea.” Cas complained despite his wide smile. “There’s no shower, and we’re landing in ten minutes. We’re sweaty and we smell like sex.” 

“Yeah but at least we got to join the mile high club.” Dean grinned. Cas elbowed him. 


	21. Surrender

Their first week in the UK went by quickly, Castiel flitting from interview to conference with barely an hour’s rest between. They’d been staying at the Ritz, in a five bedroomed suite decorated in the most ornate style, which Dean felt would have been more easily suited as a location for Castiel’s last movie than a hotel room. It made him feel uncomfortable. He felt like anything he touched might break without a moment’s notice. Due to Naomi’s constant presence, he and Cas had been sleeping apart, much to his distaste, and he wondered if that was part of the reason for Castiel’s consistently bad mood. He wondered if Castiel might break without a moment’s notice. 

That was why, on their seventh night in, when he was lying awake at 2am, he ripped back the covers and tiptoed through the hall, easing the squeaking door to Castiel’s room open as quietly as he could, and pushing it closed behind him. He crossed the room to the bed, slipping easily inside, greeted with a smile as Castiel held his arms out to him, either not able to sleep or woken by the noise. It felt right when their bodies pressed together. Felt like a lead weight had been suddenly lifted off of them both. And when they kissed, their hearts beat as one, and for a brief moment they were invincible.

They stayed together for over an hour, sucking in each other’s smell, feel and taste. Revelling in each other’s warmth. Not speaking, just being. As they used their time together and their bodies moved as one, it was ecstasy. But when they were done and catching their breath, the happiness started to slowly dissipate, but Dean didn’t know why. He didn’t know what was bothering Castiel, didn’t know why he was so low, what was on his mind, and he hated that he couldn’t make it better. More than anything he wanted to be there for him, to be with him and to wrap his arms around him at every chance, kiss his lips at every smile, but it wasn’t what the other man wanted, he just wasn’t sure why. Why he kept up this charade, what he was hiding. 

It broke him a little to leave that night, to tiptoe back into his own room and pretend like everything was perfect.

Castiel had barely been afforded time to sleep, let alone to relax, and he knew he was acting like a petulant child whenever he wasn’t on camera, but between Naomi’s constant nagging, Dean’s worried glances, and Kevin’s eye rolling, he wasn’t being helped out of his dark mood either. He was tired. So very tired. Physically, but mentally too. He was bored of repeating the same thing to every interviewer, bored of talking to death the movie he’d just finished, and bored of the prying questions about his best friend and lover that he kept answering with _no comment_ or _you’d have to ask Dean._ He had known Dean would start to regret stepping into the limelight. Every time he stepped off an interview stage, and met Dean’s eyes, he would see the discomfort in them. He prayed he could handle it. He wasn’t handling it well himself at the moment, he was hiding too much. But he couldn’t reveal his secrets without risking everything. 

He just needed a break. 

An opportunity arose ten days into their stay, on a morning pencilled into their diary as ‘script collection’. Naomi answered her phone whilst they were sat eating breakfast, furrowing her brow as she was informed that there would be a slight delay, that the script wouldn’t be ready until the following day. While Naomi had a face like thunder, Castiel couldn’t hide the smile that lit up his face, and Dean relaxed visibly at the sight of it. 

“So, a day off?” Dean grinned, surprised. 

“Well, most of a day.” Cas explained. “I’m doing a talk show tonight.” 

“I still find it weird that people want to interview you.” Dean laughed. 

“I’m an interesting guy!” Castiel protested with mirth, kicking his shin under the table. 

“What can we do today?” Dean asked quietly. Naomi had walked far enough away that he was confident she couldn’t hear him. 

“I know what I _want_ to do.” Cas smiled, eyes darting quickly to Dean’s lips. “I just don’t know how to get rid of Naomi.” 

Dean huffed a laugh and Naomi turned to look at them suspiciously, still talking down the phone. Cas grinned in response, and when she had hung up she crossed over to them. 

“Don’t get too excited, Castiel. You know there’s plenty you could be doing.” She insisted. 

“Could being the key word.” He smiled. “I’m taking a day off.” He said confidently. Naomi raised her eyebrows. “No, I haven’t forgotten about tonight, but I need to sleep, badly. I’m still totally jet lagged, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been a miserable dick recently.” 

“No one’s denying that.” Crowley piped up from across the room, and Cas shot him a glare. 

“Fine.” Naomi agreed, and everyone turned to look at her, surprised. “But I’m taking Dean shopping. If he’s going to keep getting caught on camera, then he needs to dress a bit better.”

“What’s wrong with my clothes!?” Dean asked, affronted, looking to Cas for support. Cas tried to protest but Naomi wasn’t listening, and in the end he backed down, leaving Dean looking very unimpressed. 

“I’m tired too.” He complained. 

Naomi glared at him. “Nice try.” She muttered as she dragged him out of the door. 

When they walked outside the hotel and climbed into the backseat of a Rolls Royce, Naomi looked over at Dean, rolling her eyes at his still irritated expression. She checked that the microphone which made them audible to the driver was switched off. 

“Did you seriously think I cared about your clothes? When are you even on camera?” She asked him. Dean looked over at her quizzically. “I was just trying to get you alone.” She said pointedly. 

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Why…?” He asked, almost nervously. 

“Oh for god’s sake nothing like that.” She snapped. “I’m worried about Castiel, and I think you might be too.”  

“Oh, that.” He blushed. 

“Yes, that.” She rolled her eyes again as the car pulled away. “Has he said anything to you?” 

“We haven’t exactly had any time alone.” Dean retorted, annoyed. What little time they’d snatched in the middle of the night they hadn’t used to speak.

“You know as well as I do that this started long before we got here. I thought it was the move at first, but now I’m worried it’s something worse.” She admitted. 

“I can see he’s struggling.” Dean said quietly, wondering if this counted as a betrayal. He’d rather be having this conversation with Castiel himself. “He’s constantly working… I think he feels like he has to be perfect, and the last year hasn't exactly gone to plan for him.” 

“No, it certainly hasn’t.” Naomi said, deep in thought. “Listen, we’ll go out now, pick up a few things, and when we get back I’ll make some excuse, give you two a bit of time together. Maybe he’ll open up to you?” She suggested. 

Dean nodded, happy at the prospect. “I’ll see if I can cheer him up.” He agreed. 

 

*

 

They returned to the hotel room a few hours later, Dean laden with shopping bags from expensive brands he didn’t care about that they’d charged to Castiel’s account. It felt weird and wrong, but Naomi had insisted. He had picked up a leather jacket he rather liked, but otherwise he found the style a bit too tight for his taste. He could see how easy it was to be frustrated with the lifestyle. 

Naomi shot him a nod as they returned to the suite and Dean responded with a smile, taking her hint as he slid into Castiel’s room, with his bags in tow. He smiled as his eyes landed on the man in the four poster bed, soundly asleep. It was in the times like this, the innocent moments, that he loved Castiel the most. In sleep, you couldn't tell who he had become, he could have just been his friend from across the street once more. He couldn’t resist the opportunity to be close to him. He shrugged off his jacket, dropped his bags and crossed the room to the bed. Castiel stirred as he sidled next to him, rolling his head in sleepy surprise, eyes searching for what had disturbed him. 

Grinning, Dean wrapped his arms around his stomach, pressed a kiss to his lips as Castiel smiled happily, and told him quietly to go back to sleep. 

 

*

 

The evening came around quickly, with Dean not having had a chance to speak to Castiel. He’d fallen promptly asleep next to his lover earlier, and Naomi had walked in to find them spooning in bed a while later. Castiel had shrugged it off irritably, his mood not having been improved by the rest or by being caught red-handed. 

 _The Graham Norton Show_ had Castiel as its first guest. He stood, feeling on edge, almost nervous as he hovered on the side of the set. He walked on confidently as he was introduced and the crowd in front of him cheered and clapped as he entered. Cas found himself once again on an interview stage, forced smile aimed at the cheery, bearded, Irish, interviewer. 

After the cursory questions regarding his recent works, the interviewer shot him a cheeky smile, and Castiel found himself bracing defensively. _Here we go._

“So, Castiel, you’ve been in the news yourself a lot recently.” 

Cas chewed his lip and nodded, trying not to feel irritated. The guy was just doing his job. He glanced to the side of the stage, and he could see Dean standing with Naomi, looking uncomfortable and concerned. Naomi was watching him with scrutinising eyes, and he had known for days she was on to him, knew that something was up that was beyond her reach.

“First of course, there was that rather unfortunate incident with a video camera which, you understand, I can't fail to mention, but then that spectacular defence from your friend Dean Winchester.” The show’s host was smiling earnestly, and although Castiel knew he wasn’t trying to be malicious he felt himself closing up. 

“Let’s remind ourselves of that, shall we?” Graham asked, and the crowd were nodding and shouting agreements. Castiel folded his arms as they began to play, on the screens to the sides of the stage, the moments where Dean had shamed the media outside of his apartment only a few months ago. Cas found himself unable to look at anyone. He stared pointedly at the floor while Dean’s words rang around his ears. 

“He seems like a very good friend to you, Castiel.” Graham commented. “There are a lot of questions that people have about this mystery man.” 

Castiel breathed raggedly and stood before he knew what he was doing. He dragged off his microphone while his feet turned and carried him off of the stage, tears threatening to spill over from his eyes. He met Dean’s alarmed gaze as he stormed past him, and as he continued to walk away from both him and the set he became aware of Naomi’s presence, following him down the hall. 

Dean continued to watch the presenter as he made awkward excuses for his guest’s sudden disappearance. He was more shocked than Dean by Castiel’s sudden exit, Dean had seen the telltale signs of distress creeping along his face for a few minutes before his departure. In his discomfort, Castiel had revealed himself. Dean thought of the way Castiel had braced himself when the questions turned to the media’s favourite topic, himself, and he had realised something about his friend as he’d watched him. 

Cas was trying to protect him, and that was something Dean could save him from having to do. At the end of the day, he was in this for the long run, he may as well act like it.

Without another thought, he strode forward where Castiel had strode back, confidently stepping out on to the stage in his friend’s absence and taking the guest seat on the orange sofa to Graham’s side. 

Graham eyed him with surprise and journalistic delight and covered his microphone for a split second. “Are you sure about this?” He asked. Dean nodded, and at that one of the crew members rushed forward, fitting Dean with a microphone to his collar. 

“You had some questions about me.” Dean said defensively. 

Having to ad lib, as his questions no doubt hadn’t covered this eventuality, Graham put his topic cards down and turned to square up to Dean. “Let’s start by asking how you first met Castiel.” He smiled warmly, encouraging him. 

Dean returned the smile as he thought back to their childhood, glad for the easy entrance into the conversation. “We were just kids.” He mused. “He lived across the street from me, and we were instantly best friends. We went to the same school… we did everything together.” 

“And how did he end up in your apartment, after the incident with Erik?”  Graham asked, truly interested, and probably completely overjoyed at the scoop he was getting.

“There was a long time, while Cas was getting famous, that we didn’t speak. We met again at my brother’s wedding, and then when all of that happened… I don’t know, I guess he just thought it was somewhere safe.”

“But you weren’t romantically involved at that time?” 

“No.” Dean confirmed. 

“Now, you must be aware, that there have been many… accusations about you, and the, uhm, quality of your upbringing. Can you confirm or deny these accusations?” 

Dean looked up to see Castiel, who had obviously been told what was happening and had returned at full speed to the edge of the stage, his face contorted in a mixture of horror, terror, and guilt. He half looked as if he was about to punch something and half as though he was about to break down on the spot. Dean smiled in reassurance. 

“Without knowing exactly what you’re talking about, I can’t confirm or deny anything.” Dean countered, buying himself some time to think and to prepare himself. 

“They began with a school teacher of yours, I believe.” The presenter sounded uncomfortable, unprepared himself. “The rumour is that your father might not have been such a nice person.” 

Castiel’s hands went to his face, and as Dean watched his reaction he wondered how he’d let the fact own him for so long. Naomi was next to him, eyes wide. She had not kept up with the rumours about Dean, had not thought it important. She’d underestimated his presence in their lives as fleeting. This took her entirely unawares, and nothing took Naomi unawares. Cas rushed forward, back onto the stage.

“You don’t have to answer that.” He insisted as he took a seat next to Dean. His fingers were dragging his mic back up to his collar.

Dean felt an overwhelming sense of clarity as he watched his best friend, and a smile curled at the corners of his lips. He looked to Castiel, to the horror and apprehension in his expression, the fear in his eyes, and he took his hand in his own. It sounded to Dean like a cliché, but the abuse he had suffered might have damaged him, but it did not define him.

“I’ve let what he did to me ruin enough of my life.” Dean said softly, still smiling gently at Castiel, whose face was portraying a contortion of sadness, guilt, and confused relief.  He turned back to Graham, and to the camera. “No, my father was not a good person.” 

“He… he abused you?” Graham asked quietly, as if he was shocked at the admittance. Dean could only read sympathy in his expression. The audience had gone silent in surprise. Dean nodded simply, and Castiel squeezed his hand. He could feel him breathing almost as raggedly next to him as he was himself. “How old were you when it started?” 

“My mom died in a house fire when I was four.” Dean explained. He could feel heat rising to his cheeks, his emotions catching up with him. “He started a little while after that.” 

“When you were only four, and you had just lost your mother?” Graham seemed shocked, in horror.  His professionalism had gone out of the window, and for a moment they were speaking as friends. “What did he do to you?”

“Mostly he would just hit me…” Dean began, tears now welling in his eyes, his pain getting with the program, and with the agony, his lungs began to freeze. “He had a real alcohol problem, died of it in the end, but sometimes if he hit too hard I’d fall. He did other things too, sometimes.” Dean rubbed his lower abdomen where the scars adorned him. He looked down at his crooked pinky finger, remembering how it had been crushed. He felt himself reliving the pain. “I used to hide in the car. I’d take my little brother and we’d pretend we were driving away somewhere.” 

Dean looked to Castiel, who had tears streaming down his cheeks. Dean realised he'd never asked these questions. He wondered if he’d ever wanted to. His common sense seemed to be catching up and suddenly loud alarm bells were ringing in his ears, black dots floating in his eyes and he realised he hadn’t breathed in a while but it was so difficult, everything was so heavy. Shit, was he going to pass out on TV? Cas’s hand cupped his cheek and when he whispered the instruction, Dean breathed again, dispelling the panic attack before it took full hold. Cas was always looking out for him.

“Didn’t you ever want to tell anyone?” Graham asked, drawing Dean’s attention back to him. He needed the distraction. He couldn’t keep thinking about the things that had been done to him.

“I never told anyone until I told Cas last summer.” Dean was vaguely aware of a tear falling down his face. 

“And no one ever guessed?” 

“People guessed, but I always denied anything. I was scared they’d take me away from my brother, and from Cas.” 

“And Castiel, you never realised what was going on?” Graham asked. Castiel looked up at him through his tears. 

“I wondered a few times when we were a bit older. But no, I never realised, and I feel awful about it every day.” He sniffed. Dean looked at him sadly, and leaned forward, allowing Cas’s head to drop onto his shoulder. He held him tightly for a few moments.

“Do you have anything to say to anyone that might be in that position, Dean?” Graham asked.

“Get help.” Dean mused, taking a deep breath and feeling thankful that his lungs allowed him to do so. He figured having Cas’s arm around him was helping. “It took me way too long to realise that it’s not ok. But if you really can’t, for whatever reason, confide in someone, talk about it. Just don’t do what I did and bottle it up for 25 years, because it won’t just go away and you’ll just end up more broken. And don’t push anyone away because of it. Especially if it’s someone you need.” He shot a knowing glance in Cas’s direction and Cas looked regretfully at the floor. 

“Thank you.” Graham smiled. “I know this can’t have been easy for you, and I’m sorry that we had to drag it all out like this, but you might have helped someone, and I think that’s important to remember.” 

Dean nodded, smiling through his distress. He was on the edge again, standing at the precipice, and he had to get the hell off that stage before he collapsed. He needed a distraction, needed Cas to tell him he loved him, that he was safe, that he would always be safe. He needed to remember that John was gone. His breathing was shallow once again and Castiel could see it but was powerless on stage. He would not give in right now.

“I think he deserves a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.” Graham turned back to the audience. The room erupted in cheers and clapping. There were more questions he wanted to ask but he had the feeling he’d have other opportunities, plus he didn’t know where to go from here. Dean was showing signs of distress and besides, that section would already go down in history. “But we ought to wrap this up.” He added, once they had died down. “I would think you two have some talking to do.” 

Castiel sighed and Dean stood up, offering a hand down to Cas who looked up at him with a determination in his eyes that Dean hadn’t seen for some while. 

“Can I say something?” Cas said loudly, standing up next to Dean. He looked him in the eye and smiled. “I’m ready, if you are.” 

Dean quirked his head to the side in confusion while the audience went quiet. Was he about to do what he thought he was? Dean needed him in his arms right this minute, needed his lips against his. He hoped and prayed that he was going to finally announce their relationship because he wouldn’t be able to sleep alone tonight, so he nodded. Graham watched with a bemused anticipation. Castiel took a step closer to Dean and took his hands in his own. 

“I couldn’t be more proud of you.” He whispered, although the microphone echoed his voice around the room. He smiled, and leaned into Dean. “I love you so fucking much.”

Dean beamed as he closed the remaining distance between them, closing his lips firmly over his lover’s, relief washing in with the air he breathed through his nose. He could hear the cheers and wolf-whistles pouring from the crowd as Castiel licked into his mouth and fastened his arms tightly around his lower back. Dean kissed him fiercely for a few moments, pulling away before things could get heated. Cas grinned as they broke apart, and the familiar sadness that Dean had become used to had, for now at least, vacated his eyes. Cas pulled on his shoulder and together they hurried off of the stage, beaming wildly at each other. 

 

*

 

As soon as they were backstage they were reunited with Naomi and Kevin. Cas pulled his microphone off with ease while Dean fiddled with his own, ending up tangled. Naomi eyed him with a slightly amused appreciation, and one of the crew members gestured for Dean to go to her so she could detangle him. Cas smiled as he watched him, but quickly turned his gaze to Naomi. 

“So you two…?” She asked, eyebrows raised, stunned for the first time in her life. Castiel nodded. “Since when?” 

Kevin laughed and Cas shot him a glare. 

“You knew?” Naomi asked incredulously. She’d suspected for some time but never had any sort of confirmation. Kevin shrugged, looking pleased with himself. 

“You didn’t?” He accused, laughing. 

Castiel blushed. “Well?” He asked, feeling ready for whatever Naomi was about to say about her new knowledge. 

Naomi watched the nervous expression reveal itself from under his confidence in her silence, and smiled at the effect she could have on the movie star. “Well what?” She shrugged, knowing full well what he was talking about. 

“You’ve had something to say about anyone I’ve ever had any sort of relationship with.” Cas stated. 

Naomi paused, less for dramatic effect than in thought. “I’ve definitely got more of an understanding of him now.” She said thoughtfully. “I still think he’s an idiot. And Castiel, I definitely don’t think he knows exactly what he’s done, what he’s got himself into.” 

Castiel bit his lip and shuffled anxiously on his feet, remaining silent while Naomi continued. 

“But I like him.” She added, turning to Castiel with a smile. “You’re just going to have to keep a close eye on him.”

Watching as his best friend was finally free of his microphone, Cas nodded, his happiness dampened by the reality of their situation. He was inclined to agree with Naomi, of the impression that Dean, who had very limited experience in dealing with the media, might be unaware of the impact he’d created. 

“And Castiel?” Naomi added, a mischievous glint in her eyes. “If I’m going to be representing him as well as you, I’m going to need a pay rise.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes with a smile, and nodded. 

Although Dean smiled as he walked back over to them, Cas instantly recognised his ragged breaths and the darkness behind his eyes. He made an excuse to Naomi, who seemed to have seen it coming, and took him by the hand, leading him down the hall to his dressing room, and shutting the door behind himself. Castiel enveloped him in a hug once they were alone, and Dean clutched him back desperately. Cas kissed his cheek, realising that he had begun shaking. 

“It’s just the epinephrine.” Cas explained. “The shaking. It’s just where its wearing off.” 

Dean nodded gently against his shoulder, burying his face into his neck. They stood for a few more minutes until the shaking had subsided, before letting go, and taking a seat together on the small couch. Dean took a deep breath, steadying his panic. 

“Are you ok?” Cas asked nervously, running a hand through the short lengths of Dean’s dark blonde hair. He stared anxiously into those green eyes as Dean nodded. 

“Yeah.” He breathed, half a lie. 

“You didn’t mind me kissing you?” 

“No.” He smiled, taking Castiel’s other hand in his own. 

“I didn’t really think about it at the time, but I’ve just outed you.” 

Dean just shrugged, still smiling at him. He’d had time enough now to accept that he wasn’t straight, and now that Sam, Jess and Charlie all knew he didn’t care that the whole world did. If it meant he got to stay with Castiel, he was happy, and he was relieved now that everyone knew Cas was his. 

Cas returned his smile warmly, but his face soon darkened with the more serious conversation he needed to have. “Why did you do that?” He asked carefully. 

Dean took a deep breath. “Because you’ve been protecting me.” He explained. “And I realised that it’s been holding you back, and that we were never going to work if you can’t talk about us honestly. If there are no secrets left, they can’t hurt us.” 

Cas shot him a sad smile, nodding. He leant forward and snatched a quick kiss at Dean’s lips. “Thank you.” He whispered. “I don’t think I’ll ever know how hard that was for you.” 

“It’s fine.” Dean insisted, although his shaking tone suggested otherwise. “I have to accept it and move on, because like I said… he’s ruined enough. He’s dead… I can’t let him destroy my life any more. We have a future, Cas, and he’s not going to be in it.” 

Cas grimaced, wishing he didn’t have to say what was on his mind. “Dean I need you to understand something.” He paused, and watched the confusion rise in his expression. “You need to realise that even though you’ve explained yourself, this won’t just go away.” Dean tilted his head in surprise. “They’re going to keep asking about it, at every opportunity, until they get bored. It’s what they do. You’ve made yourself a celebrity in your own right, and they’ll want to keep talking to you, they’ll keep writing about you and speculating…” 

“But I haven’t done anything.” Dean said, almost a question. 

“It doesn’t matter. You've got their attention.” Cas sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. “How does it make you feel, the thought of going back on another stage and talking about it again?” 

“It makes me feel sick.” Dean admitted, a painful throb in his belly at the thought. 

Castiel hung his head. “Dean…” He whispered. “I think you should consider going back to Kansas, and laying low for a while.” 

The door opened at that moment, as Naomi and Kevin let themselves inside the cramped little room, and the tension was instant. Dean was staring with wide, accusing eyes at Castiel, whose head still hung in his hands. 

“Are we interrupting?” Naomi asked, almost nervously, eyes darting between the two. 

Castiel raised his head just enough so that he could look up at her from under his long lashes and Dean glanced towards her. “Cas thinks I should go home.” He stated, a bitter anger lacing his tone. 

Naomi raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think you should go anywhere.” She agreed slowly, carefully, while questioning Castiel with her gaze. 

Cas groaned loudly and stood up, pacing the width of the room while Dean eyed him angrily. “I don’t _want_ you to go anywhere.” He insisted, staring at Dean. “I just don’t know if you’re ready for this… how you’ll cope.” 

“Cas, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, I can’t just go home. In case you’ve forgotten, they know where I live.” Dean complained as he stood, voice rising in distress.

 

Castiel opened his mouth to retort, but Naomi stepped between them. “This is not the right way to go about this, Castiel.” She said firmly. Kevin watched the exchange, leaning back against the dressing table and rolling his eyes. “Dean has made his decision, whether he understands it or not, and it’s too late now to back out. Like he said, they know where he lives, it won’t get better just by going elsewhere. If anything it would get worse.” She turned to Dean. “You might not like it, but it’s tough. You’ve made the choice to be a part of his life so you’ve got to suck it up.” 

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t.” Dean protested. He looked at Castiel. “I know you’re still just trying to protect me, and I’m grateful that you care but Cas, I can look after myself. We can do this together.” 

Cas paused for a tense moment while Naomi worried he was about to land them in deeper shit. Eventually he sighed and nodded, stepping in front of Dean and wrapping him back between his arms. He felt Dean’s sigh of relief brush past his neck, and smiling, he leaned back just enough to capture his lips in a kiss. 

 

*

 

Despite his apologies, there was a light air of tension that followed them through the evening, and by the time they could retire to bed, Castiel felt desperate for the chance to speak to Dean alone. 

It was the first time since they had landed in the UK that they were able to share a bed again, and Dean found teasing Naomi with a suggestive wink as he followed Castiel into his bedroom highly amusing. Cas nudged his arm, rolling his eyes while Dean laughed. But once they were alone, at the look on the actor’s face, Dean’s expression became reluctantly more serious. 

“What now?” Dean pouted. 

Castiel sighed, hands finding Dean’s hips as they stood together. “I just need to know that you’re ok, and that we’re ok.”

“It’s fine, Cas. I’m fine.” Dean lifted his hands to Castiel’s shoulders. “I’ve been worried about you.” He admitted. “You’ve been really down, even Naomi noticed.” 

“So that’s why she wanted an impromptu shopping trip with you.” Cas scoffed. “I thought something must have been going on.” 

Dean shrugged guiltily, and waited for Cas to elaborate. Cas sighed and walked to the bed, sitting on the edge, Dean followed suit. 

“I’ve been finding it really difficult.” Castiel began, trying to formulate a half-truth that would leave his bigger secret untouched. “Being with you but not being able to _be_ with you. And I’ve been working so much… sorry, I know I haven’t been great to be around.”

“So it’s just sexual frustration?” Dean teased. 

Cas broke into a grin, shaking his head as he leant in to kiss him. He paused millimetres away from his lips. “It certainly hasn’t helped.”

Grabbing his shirt with force, Dean crashed their mouths together with a fervent desperation. He needed this distraction. He moaned loudly minutes later, when Cas’s mouth moved away from his to suck at his neck with need, and his nimble fingers expertly worked open his shirt and and his jeans. Dean’s hands found his hips and once he’d been stripped off himself, Cas worked his own buttons open so that Dean could get him naked. 

When his clothes were on the floor, he pushed on Dean’s chest, and toppled them both backwards, legs swinging over his sides to straddle him easily. There was an audible moan escaping Dean’s lips and as Cas wrapped his hands around both of their cocks together the moan descended into a desperate groan, and Dean’s hips arched upwards to get traction on his lover. It was love and chaos, and Dean wanted everything done to him simultaneously. Wanted to feel all the sensations he knew Cas was capable of making him feeling all at the same time. But his need left him powerless, and as Castiel rocked his hands and his hips they watched each other with that same helpless expression. Paralysed by their need, all they could do was breathe and feel as their release drew ever closer, hurtling them toward the edge. 

“Uhh.” Dean grunted, unable even to call out Castiel’s name. That blank white expanse was getting closer, pulling tight on his chest and his toes and its inevitability was perfect and fascinating. One corner of Cas’s lips curled in a half smile and his breathing started to catch as he pumped a little harder and faster, his own ending beckoning. As Dean surrendered to the finish it was too hard to hold on, and the sight of his lover’s delight dragged Castiel down with him as they both poured over his hands and his chest. They kissed as they came down from their high, and when they’d cleaned up, they slid under the covers, relieved to finally be able to press their bodies together.

 

*

 

The following morning, Castiel woke several minutes before his alarm would have sounded. He turned, staring in confusion at the empty space in the bed next to him and wondering if he’d dreamt the night before. Dean had stayed with him, hadn’t he? He glanced over to the bathroom, finding the door open, and his brow furrowed. Maybe he’d just gone to get breakfast early. Cas swallowed, there was an unnerved feeling settling in his stomach. He pulled back the blankets hastily, climbing out of bed and gingerly walking around the suite until his eyes found his target.

It was with a painful twang of his heart that Castiel took in Dean’s demeanour. The mechanic looked entirely broken. His body was shivering with either fear or the cold, and his face was pink and wet with tears. He was holding a pillow close to him, stifling the sounds of his agony with the fabric. Castiel was alarmed to notice the empty liquor bottles that he had obviously taken from the mini bar surrounding him.

Without question, Castiel edged quietly forward, slipping onto the couch next to Dean and replacing the pillow with his own body. His arms wrapped around the distraught man, pulling his head against his chest while he continued to shake and to sob. Momentarily, Dean glanced up. The fear within his gaze was raw, panicked, and real. Cas’s lips found his forehead without a thought, and he held him close, wondering if this was reality catching up or whether it had been brought on by another nightmare. Probably both, he figured.

“Cas.” Dean croaked, a slightly alcoholic taste to his breath as he clutched his hands into the actor’s skin, testing he was real. 

“It’s ok.” Cas soothed, his fingers massaging small circles into his shoulder blades. “I’m here, you’re safe.

“I can’t stop reliving the things he did to me.” Dean whispered, his tone putting his pain on display for all to see. “I don’t know how I made it out of there alive.”

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked quietly, taken aback. His guilt was still so overwhelming whenever he thought about the fact that he’d let Dean walk away from him, that he’d let him down, that hearing him talk about it like he almost lost the battle was cutting at his heart with the sharpest of knives. “Do you mean you wanted to take your own life?” 

Dean huffed a sarcastic, bitter laugh, and Cas furrowed his brow, wondering how damaged he really was. “I couldn’t leave Sammy behind.” Dean said in response, and the nonchalance of his statement was chilling. Cas felt his fingers curl into his skin protectively, thanking whatever strength had kept him alive. 

“I don’t know how he didn’t kill me.” Dean continued, voice a low tremble. Castiel pulled back enough that Dean could look him in the eye, and pushed a strand of dark blonde hair from his forehead, pursing his lips together as he waited patiently for him to elaborate. Dean buried his head back against his lover’s chest before he spoke again, and when Cas looked up, he became aware of Naomi in the doorway, eyeing them both cautiously. He held up a finger with a pointed look in the hopes she’d understand not to interrupt, but she didn’t leave. 

“After… after we fell out, after I left you - whatever you want to call it. After you, things got worse. They got so bad, and its all just flooding back to me. I’d managed to forget until now.”

“What did he do?” Cas asked carefully. He had the suspicion that if he didn’t ask the question right this minute that he’d never know the answer, although he wasn’t convinced he wanted to know the answer. A part of him wished Naomi wasn’t eavesdropping at the door, but the other parts of him were glad he wasn’t alone in the moment, that he had backup if he said something stupid, and that he wouldn’t ever have to tell her about this. He didn’t know how to handle this at all. He was used to handling Dean, but what do you say to someone who’s experienced so much trauma so early in life? It was a miracle he’d turned out even half as normal as he did.

“Once he shot me. Shot at me. He had an air rifle, and usually he used rubber bullets. But this time he didn’t. It just grazed my side, I was so lucky. Sammy was out, and I talked back. I never talked back.” Dean breathed, voice stricken. 

Castiel’s eyes went wide and he nodded, not knowing what to say or do or how to make it better. He clung on to him with anxious anticipation, gaze on Naomi’s. She was watching with a similar expression, and she shook her head, telling him not to speak. She was right to do so, Dean was spilling his heart out without any more encouragement.

“He tried to drown me three times.” Dean whispered frantically. “Once, because Sammy talked back and I didn’t tell him not to. He filled the kitchen sink. Once, because your mom had come to see me and I wouldn’t tell him what about. That time it was in the bathtub. Once, because one of his friends had screwed him over.”  

“You know about the shower screen.” He continued quietly, while Castiel watched his pain unfolding, his mind wondering when Evelyn had visited Dean without his knowledge. “I never knew why he did that.” Dean leant back suddenly and pulled up his t-shirt, pointing at his exposed abdomen, at a peculiar linear scar just above his navel. “This time, he burnt me with a fire poker, because I hadn’t made his lunch. And once, when I’d screwed up the grocery shop, he stripped me naked and tied me in the back yard for a few hours. I ended up with the flu.” 

“And do you know why I don’t like flying?” He asked, looking up through his tears to meet Castiel’s eyes. The pain and guilt within was almost too much to bear. “Not because I think it’s going to crash. Because of him. Because we went on a vacation when I was seven or eight and I won’t tell you what he did but I was completely trapped up there, Cas, and I couldn’t get away from him.” 

Cas couldn’t bear to keep up their eye contact, and he pulled Dean into his chest once again to keep his pain at bay. He hadn’t ever considered why Dean didn’t like flying. It wasn’t a common fear, of course it wasn’t. Nothing about Dean was straightforward. He suddenly felt extremely guilty for dragging him out to London. 

“The day you left Kansas I was a mess.” Dean went on through shaking sobs. “He caught me crying, and he put my head in the oven. He turned it on.” 

“You’re ok now.” Castiel said, left completely shocked. He didn’t want to hear any more. He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t any more to hear. He somehow felt extraordinarily lucky that Dean had survived long enough to make his way back to him. Naomi was still watching from the doorway, and there was horror in her expression too. “You’re safe Dean. You’re safe. I’m here, I love you.” 

“Cas, how am I supposed to talk about that stuff on TV?” Dean choked.

“You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.” Castiel whispered, his fingers trailing through Dean’s short hair. He glanced up, eyes meeting Naomi’s, and she watched him with a cautious, contemplative expression. He got the impression she was about to join the conversation. “If they ask what he did you just say you can’t talk about it, or you don’t want to talk about it. No one can force information out of you, you can say no.”

“Dean?” Naomi said quietly, edging forward and making her presence known. Dean looked up at her curiously, waiting for whatever she had to say, but there was no surprise in his expression. Castiel wondered if he’d known she was listening all along. Naomi took a few steps forward, closing the gap between them and settling down on her knees in front of the two men. Her hand reached up and touched Dean tentatively just above the knee in support. “For the record, I think you’ve been extremely brave so far, and I can’t imagine how hard all of this has been for you.” She smiled genuinely, and Cas remembered for a brief moment why he’d hired her in the first place. She was brilliant at handling situations like this. She’d been so good at handling him when he first came to her, a broken talent. 

“No one will ask you specific details.” She said quietly. “I can make sure of that.” She paused. “But I think deep down you’re ready for all of this. I think if you can talk about these things as openly and honestly as you have to Castiel and myself then you’ll be fine, even if they do ask a difficult question. It doesn’t matter if you get emotional or upset because it only proves to them how real it is and how hard it’s been for you, and your courage will give other people in your position strength. Plus, Castiel and I will only ever be a few feet away, and I’m sure he would come to your aid if you ever needed him there.” 

Dean nodded, wiping his eyes with a tender smile, while Castiel held him ever closer, eyeing Naomi with a wordlessly grateful expression. “I’ll be fine.” Dean agreed. He took a deep breath and directed his next sentiment to them both. “As long as you’re with me.” 


	22. A-List

A short few days passed, and Cas was struggling. Sure, he loved being able to kiss Dean freely, he loved sitting around the suite in his spare moments with his arms around his middle, but he was entirely traumatised by their conversation the other morning. He hadn’t told him, but he hadn’t been sleeping properly since then, plagued by visions of him being drowned and burnt while he was lounging in LA. He had no idea how to process it, if there was anything he could do to make things even remotely better. He’d debated calling Jess or Sam just to talk about it, he almost felt like he needed to, but at the same time he couldn’t betray Dean’s trust like that. He was sure no one else knew the ins and outs of it, and if they found out? He knew how Sam would react. He’d be overprotective and angry and he’d probably hop on the first flight out. No, he had to deal with it himself.

The problem was, he didn’t know how to deal with it himself. 

He’d taken Naomi to the side the day after it had happened, and she’d reminded him that it had changed nothing, that it was all in the past. And yet, for him, it changed everything. When they were younger, he’d always considered Dean to be this pillar of unchanging strength. He’d known he was damaged even then, even when they were sixteen year olds skirting around their growing feelings while Dean chased girls. After all, Dean had always had panic attacks, he used to have them all the time growing up. He'd always just assumed it was from his mother's death, he knew he was the last one to see her alive, he knew that it had been a four year old Dean that had dragged his baby brother out of a burning building. But now, now he knew what else he’d been through? He felt like he needed covering in bubble wrap to keep him safe, to keep him from imploding. 

And to think that it was partly down to him? That what he’d been told… that those were the things that had happened after he left, that there still would have been years more torment that he didn’t know about?  And what the hell happened on the plane that was so bad he wouldn’t even tell him? It was tearing at him inside. And now everyone knew. And now everyone would ask even more questions.

How would Dean cope when he wasn’t coping himself? Although, all things considered, he seemed to be faring fairly well. 

Castiel struggled, day in, day out, until it was time to face the music. One morning whilst they were eating their room service breakfast on the couch together, Naomi interrupted, calling them both into the dining room where she was waiting at the table, with a stack of letters in her hands. 

“Don’t tell me those are requests?” Cas asked, mouth hanging open and heart falling as he saw the thick stack of paper. “Seriously how am I supposed to fit all this in?” 

“They are requests, actually.” Naomi said indignantly. “But, Mr Self-Centred, they’re not for you.” 

Castiel turned to Dean with wide, apprehensive eyes, while he looked back at them both in confusion. “Why are you looking at me so weird?” He asked, dumbfounded. 

“They’re requests for appearances from _you_.” Naomi spelled it out with a roll of her eyes. “Interviews, nonprofit work, all of it because of the other night.” 

Dean gulped, taking the seat opposite Naomi. Her eyes were piercing his in question, and Castiel joined him warily, looking at him like he was scared he was going to run. A small part of him thought he might. Taking a deep breath, Dean looked at Cas. “And I have to do them all?” He asked quietly. 

Cas sighed. “Dean, this is the one time I can’t tell you that. You need to work that out for yourself.” 

When Dean found no words, Naomi piped up. “Well you’ve made it clear that you’re not going anywhere, so, from my point of view, you have two options.” She began. “First option, you ignore them, hope that it’ll all go away, and spend your life hiding from the world you’re living in. Second option, you embrace it, do at least some of the interviews, make them like you, and maybe even do some good. Even if you just do the nonprofit stuff, actually. They’re all charities for children.” She paused. “But really, if you want to stick with Castiel… you know as well as I do that option one isn’t likely to work out so great. But it has to be your decision.” 

Dean groaned and dropped his head into his hands. The last thing he wanted to do was go back on another stage and have to talk about his childhood trauma again. But he supposed she was right. He did want to stick with Cas, and he was unlikely to be able to do so if he hid away from such a large part of his life. He’d already dropped himself so far in it that he thought they’d probably find him if he hid on the moon. “Sign me up.” He said quietly.

Naomi smiled, and Cas took a deep breath, taking his hand in his own. “You’re sure?” She asked, to which Dean nodded. “Ok.” 

 

*

 

“Are you ready?” Castiel asked nervously, feeling very strangely about being on the other side of the stage, and fighting off the urge to demand a microphone of his own so he could go out there and be with Dean as he did his first solo interview. He wished he could be there at his side in case Dean got scared or upset, but he knew he had to let him do this. Dean had insisted on wearing his own clothes, and Castiel squeezed his sides through the plain white t shirt he had on. His hair was sticking up in an unruly manner, but the casual look had always suited him, and as he smiled at him, he wondered how he ever kept his hands off of him. Although, he realised, he hadn’t ever done a good job at keeping his hands off of him.

“As I’ll ever be.” Dean shrugged. 

The crowd clapped as he was announced as the first guest, and Dean stepped onto the stage, taking a deep breath and feigning confidence, while wondering how Castiel did this every day. His eyes darted around nervously as he sat down on a firm purple couch and took in the primly dressed interviewer, whose long blonde hair curled slightly at the ends and she smiled at him with plump lips perfectly painted in red. She held out her hand and Dean shook it. 

“It’s lovely to meet you, Mr Winchester.” The interviewer, Jenny, smiled. 

“Uh, you can call me Dean.” He replied. His father had always been Mr Winchester, and he felt worse for the reminder. “But yeah, you too.” 

Once the small talk had subsided, Jenny’s questions began to focus. “So, you’ve obviously had a crazy few months.” She laughed. “But there’s still so much we don’t know about you! Tell us about yourself.” 

“Uhm, ok. Uh.. what do you want to know?” 

“Give us a short version of your life story.” She smiled again. 

“Right… well, I was born and raised in Lawrence, Kansas. My mom died in a fire when I was just a kid, and then Cas moved in opposite, and I guess you know about my dad… uhh… when I left school my dad’s friend gave me a job, he was mechanic, and then when he died he left me the shop… Singer’s Auto, in Lawrence, if anyone needs a car fixing.” Dean laughed with the audience and felt himself relaxing. He could do this. He’d always had the charisma to make people like him when he wanted to. It was the one good thing he’d inherited from his dad. He’d been fine as long as the questions didn’t turn specific, and Naomi had ensured him they wouldn’t. “I guess that kinda sums it up.”

“So tell me more about your relationship with Castiel. Last week, when you were talking about your father, you said that there was a time when you weren’t speaking? What happened there?” 

Dean sighed and bit his lip. “We kinda fell out when we were 18, and then we didn’t speak until my brother’s wedding last year.” He said simply, hoping she’d drop the subject. 

She didn’t. “What did you fall out over?” 

“I guess over my dad. Kinda.” Dean stuttered. Jenny waited for him to elaborate and he sighed again. “I had feelings for Cas, maybe he did for me too, but with my dad around… I couldn’t risk it, and I panicked and ran out on him.” 

 

*

 

At the side of the stage, Castiel sighed. He turned to Naomi who was watching Dean intensely, as if he were a time bomb about to explode. He felt like he might explode himself, he was so nervous. “Would you believe it took me ten years to get that out of him?” He said, needing just to talk.

“Looks like you flipped a switch, he seems incapable of holding anything back now.” She replied, concerned. 

“Are we sure this was a good idea?” Cas asked nervously.

“No, but we didn’t have a better option.” 

“Dean’s got it into his head that if he’s honest with them and we’ve got no secrets then they can’t hurt us. I just hope he’s right.” 

“It’s either stupid, or it’s admirable.” She said, leaving Castiel surprised. “I hope so, too.” 

 

*

 

Jenny smiled at Dean’s admission, pleased that this was going as well as she’d hoped. “So, after the business with the model Erik, Castiel came to you for help, right?” 

“Uh, yeah.” Dean agreed, wondering what she was getting at. 

“And was it not your girlfriend at the time… Lisa… who told everyone where he was?” The colour drained from Dean’s face as she continued. He’d already figured out exactly where this was going. “She must have been pretty upset with you to do that to your friend, or was it him she was upset with? Why did she do that?” 

 

*

 

Next to Naomi, Castiel tensed, sucking in a deep breath. Sensing his sudden change in mood, she eyed him anxiously. “Why are you nervous? Is she on to something? Tell me you didn’t…”

“Once, properly.” Cas admitted, preparing for the scolding. He just hoped they went easy on him, he’d already realised how damaging this might be. “I don’t know if Dean told her.” 

Naomi turned her head, frustrated. “Fuck.” She muttered, preparing mentally for the fallout.

 

*

 

Dean groaned. “The thing with Lisa was really complicated.” He rubbed his face with his hands, and again, Jenny waited for him to expand. “Look, I wasn’t exactly proud of the way things went down with Cas. It wasn’t like I wanted it to happen that way, and I was pretty messed up about it, so when I first met Lisa… I never told her or anyone who didn’t know that I had ever even known him. And he’s kinda a big deal.” 

“So then, when he turns up at my brother’s wedding and I’m the best man and I can’t just run off… I freaked out, badly. But of course, she didn’t know anything about it. Basically only my brother Sam and Jess, his wife, knew… but obviously I was really weird that night and then I made up with him and… I don’t know but for me things just changed.” 

“She rang me to tell me when the news broke but Cas was already there at that point and I hung up on her, and she found him in my apartment the next day and I guess she was pissed… I never told her more than that we were friends from before and that we fell out, ‘cause no one knew about dad and… well yeah she told everyone where he was. I’m not proud of the way that happened either, I know I wasn’t a good boyfriend.” 

“Are you still in contact with her? It was reported that you accused her of cheating on you.” 

Dean sighed. “Yeah… she did, she was… and no, I haven’t spoken to her since.” 

“Did you and Castiel ever cheat on her?” Jenny asked with an accusing tone. 

 

*

 

Naomi huffed in annoyance.

Dean paused as he looked over to Cas who was stood on the side of the stage, his hands on his head, staring back at him in horror. Castiel froze, having no idea what to say, or how to convey it even if he did. Dean looked away suddenly and Castiel braced himself. 

 

*

 

“I wish I could say no. We did, once…I started it. He did try and get me to stop but…” Dean said quietly, praying he was being diplomatic enough to save Castiel’s career if not his own reputation. He wondered briefly if Lisa would be watching. He wasn’t surprised to find he didn’t care either way. “And I know that’s wrong but my relationship with Lisa was gone before that, and she’d been cheating since the wedding. That’s not an excuse it’s just the facts. I should have ended it way before I did but I was scared I guess. So much was changing for me.” 

“The thing is… from the moment I saw Castiel again I knew that I was screwed and that I still wanted him. I mean, who doesn’t.” He smiled, and the crowd laughed. “I knew it was wrong at the time but… I think a part of me has always been in love with him.” 

The crowd sighed happily, and he hoped he’d done enough to mull it over. Somehow they all seemed to still be smiling, despite the things he’d done. Maybe he still had enough sympathy points left to use as a get out of jail free card on that one. Jenny was looking at him with an impressed smile. On the side of the stage, Naomi took a deep breath, and Castiel relaxed.

“Thank you for being so honest.” She said. “Now, onto nicer topics, I’ve been told that you’ve agreed to work with several children’s charities?” 

When the interview had been declared over Dean left the stage with a significantly better mood. Despite the acknowledgement of his wrongdoings, the atmosphere had seemed positive, the crowd had seemed to like him and understand what he was saying. He felt more relaxed and accepted, pleased that he’d stuck to his guns and told the truth. Maybe they just appreciated the honesty, and could recognise true love when they saw it. He didn’t care, he was just glad that she hadn’t asked him any more about his abuse.

On his return, Castiel scooped Dean into a tight hug. Over his shoulder, he caught Naomi’s eye, and she smiled. “I’m impressed.” She admitted. “You handled that well, I wasn't sure you were going to.” 

Cas released him enough to meet his eyes, keeping his arm around Dean’s middle. “I’m so proud of you.” 

Dean rolled his eyes, grateful really for their praise but trying to act nonchalant. “I told you I could do this.” He reassured Cas, who shrugged, smiling. “Honesty is the best policy.”

“You were right.” Cas agreed, grinning. “They really liked you.” 

“I always am.” Dean teased, earning an elbow to the ribs. He laughed, and Cas kissed him, unable to resist.

“He might be the best thing to have happened to your career in a long time.” Naomi said to Castiel matter-of-factly. She turned and walked away, leaving Cas with raised eyebrows. 

“I’m not sure if I should be pleased or offended!” He laughed. 

 

*

 

“This is so weird. I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Dean whispered as Castiel straightened his tie for him. A few weeks had passed, and the more interviews and magazine shoots they’d done together the more comfortable Dean was beginning to feel, but this was on another level. 

“It’s really not that weird.” Cas responded, grinning. 

“Uh yes, it is. Maybe it isn’t for you, but for me, it’s weird.” Dean insisted, dropping his hand into the actor’s when it hung back down by his side. Cas pretended to roll his eyes, but squeezed his hand in support.

The speakers gave them their cue. “And here to present the award for Best International Artist, all the way from Los Angeles, it’s Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester.” 

The audience was deafening. The stage had been fashioned into a long strip that culminated in a large hexagon, the crowd surrounding them only metres away. As Dean stepped out, his hand still firmly in Castiel’s, he focused solely on his movements, one foot in front of the other. When they reached the podium, Dean let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. He stared at the crowd, wide eyed. 

“I didn’t fall over.” He said to Castiel, forgetting entirely about his microphone and the script he was supposed to follow. His audience began to laugh, Castiel amongst them. 

“That’s the kinda thing you think and don’t say.” Cas chuckled, not quite over his bout of hysterics. 

Dean had laughed with him, but there was a pink blush on his cheeks from the embarrassment. “Alright Mr Perfect.” He grinned. “Some of us haven't done this before.”

“And some of us won’t be invited back if you say stuff like that.” Cas winked, beaming at his other half. His gaze dipped momentarily to Dean’s lips. He wanted badly to kiss him, but thought it may be inappropriate given the timing. “ _Anyway_ ” Cas continued, addressing the audience surrounding them. “The nominees for the BRIT award for Best International Artist are…” He paused, waiting for Dean to take over with the names of the nominees.

A video began to play on screens surrounding them showing snippets of works from the nominated artists. “This is your bit.” Cas whispered, giggling as he nudged Dean in the ribs. 

Dean shot him a look. “I thought this was your bit?!” He exclaimed. Castiel couldn’t answer him for laughing at how badly it was going. 

The audience obviously thought they were funny. Dean looked around, meeting the eyes of many familiar, famous faces, all of whom were laughing. Cas had to clutch his jacket to stop from falling over. The video had finished long before the laughter subsided. 

“Like I said, haven’t done this before.” Dean announced with an embarrassed grin when calm had been restored. Cas was beaming at him, and handed him the golden envelope containing the name of the winner. “And the winner is… Rihanna.” Dean said, and the crowd cheered and clapped, all smiling up at him fondly. Cas caught his lips in a quick kiss as Rihanna made her way up to them and they handed over the award, turning and quickly making their way backstage. 

As soon as they had been attended to and their microphones removed, they were left to return to their table amongst the crowd. Castiel cupped Dean’s cheeks with his hands and kissed him firmly once they were alone, licking into his mouth with desire. Dean groaned, grabbing his lower back and pulling them flush together. 

Cas broke them apart with a pant a few moments after. “Later.” He whispered, smiling. Dean narrowed his eyes but nodded, reluctantly agreeing. “I don’t know how you do it, but everyone loves you.” Castiel added, pressing their foreheads together.

Dean shrugged. “I’m just being me.” 

“I know you are.” Cas said softly. “But seriously, if I’d just said that stuff up there and screwed that up so hilariously badly, I’d be killed, but somehow… I don’t know you’ve just got this knack of getting people to like you. It’s endearing.” 

“I fucked that up pretty badly though, didn’t I?” Dean whispered, a little embarrassed. 

“Well I’d be lying if I said no, but it went really well, in a different kind of way. I think people like you because you’re normal, you’re not like everyone else in this world.” Cas smiled. With every day that passed, he was beginning to feel better, beginning to feel like they could handle whatever was thrown at them next if they’d got through all this unscathed. Dean seemed happier every day, more at peace, and with every minute, Cas fell more and more in love with him.

“That sounds like a cliché.” Dean complained. 

“Maybe it is, but whatever you’re doing, it’s working.” Cas grinned. He hovered his lips over the mechanic’s. “It’s definitely working for me.” He whispered, and kissed him again. 

 


	23. Ellen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little chapter today, but some smut for the weekend! Check back on Tuesday!

After they’d been in the UK for a month, and relocated to the countryside near the filming location, Castiel had rented a quaint cottage with a separate annexe, as Naomi and the two security guards were getting fed up of listening to their nighttime activities. Dean absolutely loved the privacy it afforded. It felt to him almost like the ‘apple-pie life’ that he’d secretly always dreamed of. On one cold evening, when he was cleaning up in the kitchen after their dinner, and Cas was scrolling through Netflix trying to find something to watch that he wasn’t starring in, he jumped at the sounds of an incoming Skype call taking over the TV. He furrowed his brow as he took in Ellen’s name, and hit accept, finding himself connected to a live studio audience, where Ellen was interviewing Alayna, and making an impromptu video chat to her co-star. 

“Uhh… Hi.” Cas said in surprise, suddenly conscious of the t-shirt he was wearing, one of Dean’s old band tees, and his scruffy sweatpants. He swung his legs off of the couch and sat upright.

“Castiel! Hi!” The women at the other end greeted. Ellen had this hopeful look in her eyes, and Cas was surprised he hadn’t seen this coming. They were friends, and of course she’d want to jump on the bandwagon with his suddenly very interesting relationship. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “How’s the UK?” Ellen asked. 

“Yeah, it’s great.” Cas nodded, forcing a smile. He felt uncomfortable and unprepared, and almost wished Naomi was there to help him. He tried to remember Dean’s motto of being honest. “We’ve just started shooting.” His role in Star Wars was no longer a secret.

“We’ve just invented a new feature.” Alayna laughed. 

“Skype with the stars.” Ellen added, chuckling. 

 _Convenient._ Castiel thought to himself, half-laughing with them. 

“How is Dean? Is he there?” 

“Uh, yeah, he’s just in the kitchen… hang on… Dean!” He finished with a yell, and turned his neck to stare into the doorway that Dean appeared in moments later, holding a towel and the bowl he was drying. “Would you come over here? Ellen’s on Skype. Live.” 

Dean stared at Cas in confusion. “Ellen…Degeneres? What, now?” He asked, putting down the bowl. Cas nodded, seeing the obvious nerves in his expression. Dean swallowed and walked over to the couch, perching anxiously next to Cas, who draped an arm loosely around his lower back in support. 

“Hi.” Dean smiled, still in a little shock. 

“Hi Dean!” Alayna waved, and Dean relaxed a little at the familiar face. 

“How are you, Dean?” Ellen asked. 

“Yeah, I’m good, we’re good.” He fidgeted nervously. 

“Nice job getting the guy.” Alayna winked, and Dean blushed a little, remembering parts of their conversation at Castiel’s birthday party. 

Cas shot him a quizzical look. “Did she know you liked me?” 

Dean shrugged, turning ever pinker. 

“I guessed.” Alayna sounded proud of herself. “You weren’t so obvious, though.” 

Dean grinned at that. “See.” He told Castiel. 

“Wasn’t I?” Cas was surprised. “I always thought I was really obvious. I mean, I honestly don’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t in love with you.” He said to Dean. 

There were happy noises coming from Ellen, Alayna, and the audience at the studio. Dean’s blush had returned at full strength, but he was staring at Cas with his love written blatantly over his face. “Really?” He asked, smiling. 

“I’ve always been in love with you.” Castiel confirmed, beaming. Dean reached over and took Cas’s cheeks in his hands, bringing their mouths together in a long, slow kiss. They smiled at each other as they broke apart to the sound of Ellen clearing her throat. 

“Well, at the risk of my show becoming a bit PG13 I think we’d better leave you to it!” Ellen joked. They laughed as they said their goodbyes. 

When the call had been disconnected, Cas noted the mischievous glint in Dean’s eyes, and, preempting him, stole forward to pull him back into the kiss. Dean groaned, turning into Jell-O, and Cas growled in response, his arousal driving him crazy. He pulled Dean to his feet and they kissed their way to the stairs, getting halfway up before Cas tripped backwards and Dean pinned him against the steps, licking into his mouth with a fervent need and dragging his t-shirt off over his head, moving his hand down afterwards to tease at the elastic of Cas’s sweatpants. Cas rolled suddenly and flipped them over, Dean grinning up at him at the sudden change of control. He secretly loved Castiel like this, angry with want. 

With his lips hovering just over Dean’s, Cas commanded. “Bed.” 

“I can’t wait that long.” Dean begged, leaning up to take the kiss Cas was holding back, and pressing his hips up to meet Cas’s, grinding against him. 

Cas groaned at the friction, and retreated down a step as he lifted Dean’s shirt, kissing his chest, pausing to suck at his nipples. With one hand he gently palmed Dean’s length through his sweatpants, and Dean cursed at the sensation, bucking gently upwards into Cas’s hand. Cas grabbed the elastic of Dean’s underwear and pulled, stripping him naked in one quick motion, licking his lips as Dean’s dick bobbed free and stood at attention underneath him. Dean’s hands found their way into Castiel’s hair as Cas darted his head lower, licking and nipping at his hipbones. Dean let out a pained plea as Cas’s mouth hovered tantalisingly over his cock and Cas grinned, fully aware of what he was doing to his lover. 

Cas opened his mouth and dipped down over Dean’s length, tightening his lips and dragging his teeth back up gently, feeling Dean shiver underneath him. As he tongued at his wet slit when he’d reached the top, Dean grunted, and Cas watched from under thick lashes as his eyes rolled back with desire. Cas lifted his head up and waited patiently until Dean looked back at him, confused and desperate. 

“Bed, now.” Castiel repeated, and Dean complained as Cas pulled him back up to his feet and dragged him into their bedroom. Pressing one hand on his chest, Cas pushed him backwards and Dean sprawled onto his back on the bed, feeling the chill against his nakedness and watching with confusion as Cas failed to join him, rooting through a drawer instead. 

When Cas came over to him a few moments later, there was a wildness behind his eyes that Dean hadn’t seen before, and the sight alone made him want to come there and then. Cas took one of his hands and tied it roughly to the bars on the headboard with one of his ties, before repeating the action with the other. Their eyes connected momentarily as Cas asked silently for permission, and Dean smiled at him in anticipation, lust-blown. Dean watched with desire as Cas spread his legs for him, sucked on his own finger and pushed it steadily inside of him while he maintained their gaze. Dean whimpered as his prostate was fingered and he groaned at the loss when Cas pulled his finger out, only to add another. 

After a few more moments of torture, Cas dipped his head between Dean’s legs, tongue licking quickly at his hole before plunging inside to join his fingers. Dean cursed repeatedly. “Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.” He moaned, his plea becoming louder when Cas stretched him open with a third finger, still fucking into him with his tongue. Dean’s need was so great he was almost in pain with his want and desire. Cas continued to scissor him open, and Dean watched while he massaged the bulge in his pants gently. Dean felt so close and so overwhelmed, his cock was leaking a steady stream and as he was shifted constantly backward by Cas’s movements it bobbed, throbbing painfully with need. 

“Please Cas.” Dean begged. “Please.” 

Castiel pulled his tongue away, leaning up on one arm as he continued to finger him with the other hand. “What do you want, Dean?” He asked confidently, a dominance in his tone. 

“Touch me. Fuck me. Anything, please.” 

“Not yet.” Cas whispered, and Dean whimpered as his tongue once again went to work inside him. Cas was beginning to find it hard to hold on, and while he wanted to drag it out longer he wasn’t going to last. Cas leaned up for another deep kiss, kneeling over Dean, before he stripped himself naked, feeling the relief as he let his cock out and ran his hand along it firmly. Dean groaned at the sight. 

“Please touch me.” He cried. 

“Almost.” Cas said quietly, smiling. “First, I need you to blow me.” He commanded, and shuffled forward, leaning over onto the headboard so that when Dean lifted his head obediently, his cock dangled into his mouth. Dean groaned as his tongue swirled around Castiel’s length and the vibration had Cas letting out a sound that was close to a whine. “Fuck.” Cas moaned in approval as  Dean licked and sucked at his cock, lapping at his slit and teasing the length with friction. Before he could get too lost in the sensation, Cas pulled out, and slipped back down Dean’s body, positioning himself between his legs. He paused as he lined his slicked cock up at Dean’s entrance, grinning up at his desperate lover who was breathing raggedly and staring at him as though he were a god. 

“Cas please just fucking fuck me… _please_.” Dean pleaded, and his prayers were answered as Cas pushed in and quickly bottomed out. Dean let out a grunt, and another, and another as his voice was taken by his pleasure and the grunts quickly became screams when Castiel changed his angle and began beating into his prostate with every thrust. “Please touch me.” Dean cried out, his neglected cock aching and desperate for friction. “Please!” 

“No.” Cas denied him between thrusts. “If you want to come, you come because of me.” He said fiercely, and his tone teased Dean even further, to a point beyond anything he’d imagined. 

As Cas hit into him time after time Dean felt his climax nearing and his eyes rolled back into his head so he squeezed them closed, his hands tight into white fists against the headboard where the ties rubbed against the skin on his wrists. He could hardly breathe, and his heart pounded viciously as the release began to build in his chest. 

“Please baby, fuck I’m so close.” Dean begged again. 

“Come for me.” Cas commanded, and after a few more thrusts Dean began to call out his name. 

“Cas. Cas. Cas.” 

“Come for me, Dean.” Cas gulped, struggling to hold on as he thrusted in and out of Dean’s tightening hole, watching his lover come apart underneath him. “Please baby, come for me.” 

“Castiel!” Dean cried as he was overwhelmed by his release. His hips bucked awkwardly and Cas almost lost his rhythm, but his strong hands on the unruly hips guided his cock back inside as Dean’s ass tightened around him to an impossible level and Cas spilled over too, a wave of absolute ecstasy washing through them both as they came harder than they ever had. Dean’s come flew up onto Cas’s chest and over his own naked body. Cas tried to keep pumping in but the total pleasure interfered and he collapsed down into the mess, his head landing on Dean’s chest with a thud as his cock slipped out and onto the bed sheets underneath them.

They lay, catching their breath, in silence for a few moments. When his heart rate had settled to something more normal, Cas pulled himself up to Dean’s level and ran a hand through his lover’s sweaty hair. Dean turned his head to meet Castiel’s gaze. 

“Are you crying?” Cas asked, incredulous. 

“I don’t even know.” Dean whispered, too overwhelmed to even be embarrassed. Cas reached up to untie his hands and when he was free he wiped at his cheeks, at the few tears that rested there. “I’ve never felt anything like that.” He added. Cas just grinned. “Seriously, what was that? I can’t even feel my toes.” 

“You liked it, then?” Cas asked, blushing. 

“Are you even serious? Castiel Novak, that was without a doubt the best sex I’ve ever had.” Dean breathed. “Please tell me we can do that again.” 

Cas grinned. “For you Dean Winchester, anything.” 


	24. Outburst

It had been easy to sink into, the ebb and flow of domestic life. Dean had decided that he could get used to it.

Although he’d noticed several odd behaviours, it was another two months before he started to worry again. Castiel was restless at night, tossing and turning, occasionally waking from bad dreams, causing Dean to watch him with caution. He was irritable, snappy, generally low, and his mood didn’t seem to be improving. The concerned glances Naomi would occasionally shoot his way told Dean that he wasn’t imagining things, Castiel was once again on the edge. Whenever they were given a second alone, she would insist Dean broached the subject with him, but if he tried he was shot down instantly with lame excuses; _I’m just tired,_ he’d be told. 

On this particular night, when Castiel had been grumpy and moody all day, Dean had climbed into bed with a heavy heart, Castiel joining him and pressing his body close, resting his head on his lover’s chest. They didn’t speak save for a quick goodnight, and Dean was almost asleep when he felt it, a dampness, a tear splashing onto his chest. He cocked his head to the side, his hand arching through Castiel’s hair, and looked down at his face. His eyes were squeezed shut in pretence of sleep, but the emotion there was poorly hidden. 

“Cas?” He said quietly. “Are you ok?” 

Castiel sucked in a deep breath and opened his eyes to look up at Dean. “Yeah, of course.” 

“You’re crying.” Dean pointed out. 

“I’m not.” Castiel tried to deny. “I’m just tired.” 

And there it was again. Dean bit his tongue irritably, scared he might say something he’d regret while he tried to find the words. 

“Go to sleep.” Cas commanded. 

Dean sighed, his mind running wild with possible responses. He decided it might be better to be upfront. “Cas, I’m worried about you.” He whispered into the silence. On his chest, Castiel shuffled and drew his head back to meet his concerned gaze, a slight air of annoyance in his expression. “You’re not yourself.”  

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, trying to keep his voice level and hold back his emotions. He knew damn well what Dean was getting at. He knew exactly how he’d been acting, and he felt bad that everyone was having to put up with him. He was scared and struggling, but he had no idea how to accept help. He wished he could man up enough to talk to Dean about everything, he knew he needed to sooner or later, but how could he start the conversation when he hadn’t accepted the fact? 

“Cas, come on, you’ve been in a mood for days.” Dean said quietly, his fingers gently stroking Castiel’s jawline, trying to show him he didn’t mind, that he was just concerned. 

“It’s just the shoot, Dean, I always get like this. It’s just hard work.” Castiel lied. 

“Really?” Dean said a bit too quickly. “Because you weren’t like this when you were filming Henry.” 

Cas raised his eyebrows in annoyance, and Dean looked away, taking an exasperated breath. “I’m just worried, Cas. If you’re finding it this hard, I think you should take a break.” 

“A break?” Castiel laughed ironically. “I can’t take a break, Dean. That’s half the reason I get so pissed off. If I took a break then it puts the whole schedule off track, it would interfere with everyone else’s lives, and it could delay the release date.” 

Dean held his hands up in surrender. “Ok, fine. I just wish you’d talk to me.”

“If there was anything to talk about.” Castiel replied bitterly. 

“Well then maybe you should see a therapist.” 

“I don’t need to see a therapist. I’m fine.” Cas snapped, and he felt immediately guilty. “Sorry.” He added. “Can we just go to sleep?” 

Dean rolled his eyes, but smiled despite the pain in his chest, and pressed a quick kiss to Castiel’s lips that was warmly returned. His arms tightened protectively around the movie star, and as he drifted off to sleep, it was with a very unsettled feeling in his stomach. 

 

*

 

Most days, Dean would accompany Castiel onto the set, just for something to do. He’d help out the mechanics if they were strapped for time or needed an extra pair of hands, but often he’d just watch the shooting and count his lucky stars for the opportunity he was being given. He wondered how jealous Charlie was. He sometimes managed to snap a quick picture to send her, with strict confidentiality instructions, of course, but he’d definitely not be allowed back if they knew. The whole thing was a very strict secret. He thought Cas took some comfort in knowing he was there, too. 

On one such occasion, as they were heading back to the set after their lunch break in Castiel’s trailer only a few days after their late night conversation,, a crew member, a small, young girl with dark hair in a braid behind her head was carrying several hot drinks and tripped, splashing the boiling liquid all around her, and landing a good portion over them both, soiling the crisp white robe of Cas’s costume. 

Cas looked up at her with daggers in his glare. Dean had already begun to brush himself down, his black t-shirt looking no different, when Castiel started to talk. 

“Watch where you’re going.” He snapped angrily. He started to rub at the robe but the stain only worsened for his efforts. He pulled it off irritably. “Great, it’s ruined. That’s another few hours of my life wasted.” 

“It was an accident, Cas.” Dean said calmly, eyebrows raised. His eyes shot to the girl in front of them who looked mortified. Embarrassed tears had pooled in her eyes and her cheeks had tinged a bright pink. 

“I don’t have time for accidents.” Cas responded, turning his gaze to Dean. 

“Well you’re going to have to make time.” Dean replied cooly, his own temper flaring. 

“Why are you defending her?” Cas demanded. 

“Because she didn’t mean to-“

“Just fuck off, both of you.” Cas rolled his eyes and turned, storming away in the direction from which they had come. 

Dean groaned as he watched him go, and ran a hand over his head. He turned to the girl, who by this point looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her whole, and had tears running down her cheeks. She stood quivering on the spot as she looked up at him with wide, scared eyes. 

“Please ignore him.” He told her. “I promise he’s not normally such an asshole, he’s just got a lot on his plate at the moment.” 

The girl managed a nod, but didn’t look convinced. 

“What’s your name?” Dean asked. 

“Poppy.” She responded, with some effort. 

“I’m Dean.” He smiled, and she nodded, because she already knew. He often forgot his new found fame. He sighed and glanced back towards the trailer. “I’m sorry about that. Would you do me a favour and not tell anyone about this? I’m going to go and talk to him.” 

The first thing he noticed when he reached the trailer was the noise coming out of it. As he wrenched open the door and took in the sight of Castiel kicking the shit out of a trash can his heart sank. He had no idea what was going on inside the actor’s mind recently, but he was determined to get to the bottom of it. Dean strode inside, exuding a confidence he did not possess. He stood in front of Cas and glared at him with anger in his eyes. 

“Are you going to tell me what all that was about?” He asked, keeping his voice level. 

“I’m not going back out there.” Castiel insisted.

“Just talk to me, for fuck’s sake.” 

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Why don’t you try me, Cas, ‘cause I’m getting fed up of your shit.” Dean snapped. 

“I’m sorry, I forgot you were my therapist.” 

“That’s not fair.” 

“Life isn’t fair.” Cas hissed, squaring up to Dean so that they were mere inches apart. He glared into Dean’s eyes with an anger he didn’t know he could feel. “Get out of my way.” He demanded. 

“Where are you going?” Dean shook his head, feet firmly rooted. 

“Get. Out. Of my way.” Castiel repeated. 

Before Dean could respond there was a knock at the door. Cas looked up, surprised, and for a brief second Dean glimpsed the sadness behind his anger. Upon seeing his lover’s pain, he softened. “Get in the bathroom.” He told him. 

“Why?” Cas asked, confused. 

“Just do it.” He commanded, and Cas huffed in annoyance as he locked himself into the toilet. Dean walked to the door and opened it, finding himself face to face with the director. 

“Hi.” Dean shuffled awkwardly. 

The director peered inside the trailer. “Where is Castiel? He was due back on set ten minutes ago.”

“Yeah, uhm, about that. Cas is sick.” Dean lied.

“Sick?” 

“Yeah, he’s been throwing up for the last half hour.” 

The director eyed him with scrutiny, but appeared convinced. “Great.” He sighed. Dean heard a heaving sound from the bathroom and feigned a grimace, it seemed Cas could hear their conversation. “I’ll arrange a car to take him home, can’t have him infecting everyone. We’ll just have to try and do what we can without him.” 

Dean thanked him and slowly he left, muttering under his breath. When it was safe, Dean knocked on the bathroom door and Cas returned into the room. 

“What did you do that for?” Cas asked, and would have argued his case further but Dean held up a hand to silence him. 

“You said you didn’t want to go back out.” Dean strode past him and took a seat on the couch. Cas joined him, and they sat in silence until their car arrived. 

 

*

 

The silence continued through the journey home, and when they arrived back in the cottage, Castiel turned and strode upstairs without another word. Dean sighed as he watched him go, but figured he probably would be in a better state to talk if he was allowed some time to cool off. 

He had no idea what was going on, but he knew it wasn’t good. Whatever was going through Castiel’s mind was causing him pain, and it was unlike Cas to keep something from him, so whatever it was, it was going to hurt. His imagination was running wild with possible outcomes, each worse than the last. He had to distract himself, and fast.

Over an hour later, Dean was sat perched on a bar stool at the island in the kitchen, looking at nothing in particular on his laptop, still hardly concentrating, thoughts permanently on the man upstairs. He’d all been driven mad by the anxiety, and it was a miracle he hadn’t already torn up the stairs to Castiel. Eventually, he heard footsteps above him, that travelled across the hall and down the steps. Moments later, he looked up into Castiel’s half embarrassed, half hopeless blue eyes, and shot him a sad smile. Taking it as an invitation, Castiel sat down opposite him, but seemed to be struggling for words. 

“What’s going on, Cas?” Dean asked quietly, never more grateful for their new found privacy. 

Castiel met his eyes, and took a long pause. “I can’t keep doing this.” He whispered. 

Dean felt his body go into panic mode. The familiar palpitations kicked in at the same time his lungs forgot to work, and he knew that he was crying already. The pain was unbearable, and he wanted to scream. He had been harbouring a small suspicion that he might be the problem, that he was always the problem, that he had been right all along and he wasn’t worthy of the love Castiel had shown him. 

Castiel wasn’t even looking at him. Couldn’t look at him. His head was in his hands and his body was shaking with sobs, sobs that Dean supposed must be borne of guilt and remorse. Dean wanted to ask why, needed to know why he wasn’t good enough, why he still wasn’t even after leaving his own life to be with him, why he could never be. His voice and lungs weren’t working well enough to ask.

Castiel’s pain was palpable. When he looked up it was so strong it reminded Dean to suck in a breath and he felt his feet carry him to Castiel’s side, because above all, even if he was the reason for his heartbreak he was in love with him, and he needed him to be happy. 

Folding his head naturally onto Dean’s chest, hands grabbing at the fabric of his shirt, Cas cried. He was vaguely aware of Dean’s hands on his back, Dean’s lips on his head, but when he felt Dean’s tears he looked up irritably. 

The eye contact brought Dean’s voice back to life. “Why?”

“I just can’t take it any more. I’m sick of it.” Cas explained. “Why are you so upset?” 

“Are you serious? Of course I’m upset! I’ve given up everything for this.” He replied angrily.

“For this? So it was never about me?” Cas asked, alarmed and ready to cry for an entirely different reason. 

“For us! Of course it’s about you… wait… what are you talking about?” Dean took a step back, desperately trying not to get his hopes up. 

“Acting.” Cas whispered, as if he would be chastised. “What did you think I was talking about?” 

Dean breathed in a sigh of relief, unable to help the grin that spread across his lips. “I thought you were breaking up with me.” 

“What?!” Cas exclaimed with an expression of disbelief. He rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot.” 

Dean smiled, leaned in and kissed him gently, pleased above all that he could still do that. His heart pounded happily but Cas was still distraught in his arms. He turned his attention back to the matter at hand. “You want to give up acting?” He asked softly, confused. Castiel nodded. “Why do you want to give it up?” 

“Like I said, I just can’t take it any more, this life.” 

Dean eyed him worriedly. “Cas, you love acting, you always have.” 

“I know but I can’t, Dean. I just can’t. I hate how everyone knows my business and nothing is private. I hate it.” 

Cupping his face in his hands, Dean looked into his eyes, seeing the sadness, panic, and sorrow laid bare within. “We’ve always coped with that stuff in the past. What’s this really about? What don’t you want them to know?” He asked carefully. “What aren’t you telling me?” 

Castiel’s eyes closed momentarily and he looked away, chewing his lip. Dean stood, waiting patiently. Castiel sighed and forced his gaze back up to the mechanic’s. This was his chance, and he had to take it. He needed Dean’s help and support, he couldn’t carry on like this. His eyes welled with tears and his voice caught before he could speak, but he made himself say the words. 

“My mom’s dying.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry.


	25. Secret

Dean held him while he cried, his own shock tensing him into stillness. After some time, Cas was breathing normally again, his face still buried in the damp fabric of Dean’s shirt. Cas pulled his head back enough to look up at Dean’s eyes, and Dean half smiled supportively, bringing his hand to Castiel’s cheek. 

“I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, I just didn’t know how.” Cas whispered. “She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, before you even moved in, and she was doing well but then a couple of weeks ago she called me… the treatment isn’t working… there’s nothing they can do.” 

Dean closed his eyes regretfully, bringing Castiel’s head back into his chest. He pressed soft kisses into his hair while he mused over their situation. Cas clutched him back tightly, feeling better just for letting the words out, half of the weight lifted from his shoulders. 

“I’m so sorry.” Dean said quietly, and he felt Cas nod against him in response. “I hate to ask, but… have you got any idea how long?” 

“She said maybe six months.” Castiel’s voice was a croak, barely audible. 

“You’ve got the best people on it?” Dean expected no less.

“The very best.” 

As he stood, holding Castiel close to him, he felt strangely vulnerable, philosophical even. It was easy to forget how precious time is, how short life can be. His heart hurt with the news, but he kept standing strong, aware that Cas needed him. He found himself reliving memories from long ago, remembering the easier moments of his childhood spent with Cas and his mother in their home. He wondered how he’d be able to stay strong when the time came, as Evelyn had been his mother for so much of his youth. It would be a bigger blow than losing Bobby, the one friend of his father’s who’d actually cared about him as a child. 

“Do you want to go home?” Dean asked quietly.

“I’ve thought about it. I want to.” Castiel sighed. “But she wanted me to do this, she asked me to. If her condition worsens… then maybe, but for now she wants me to stay.”

“Ok.” Dean hummed. “So you’re gunna carry on?” 

“Yeah.” Cas sighed. “I just wish I could take a break from it all. I’m dreading everyone finding out.” 

“They won’t find out unless you tell them.” 

“They always find out somehow, there’s so many people treating her.” 

“Yeah, but they’re all bound by confidentiality, they can’t say anything. And you know I won’t tell anyone.”

Standing, Castiel gave Dean a sad smile, relief radiating in the wetness pooled in his red-rimmed eyes. Dean returned his smile with warmth, dropping his hands to Cas’s waist, keeping them pressed together. Cas’s eyes darted quickly to Dean’s lips before he leant in to capture them in a soft, slow kiss. 

Dean smiled again as they pulled apart and Castiel pressed their foreheads together. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He admitted, barely more than a whisper. “It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my chest just by telling you.” 

“You don’t have to do anything alone, Cas. I’ll always be here. We’ll get through it together. Just, promise me you’ll talk to me in the future.” 

Castiel smiled as he nodded. “I can’t believe you thought I was breaking up with you.” He said, poking Dean in the ribs. Dean got the impression he was trying to change the subject. 

“In my defence, it was a very poor choice of words given our history.” Dean laughed. 

“Yeah, I guess that’s true. Sorry for scaring you.” 

“It’s ok.” Dean muttered, he brushed a strand of Castiel’s hair behind his ear with a finger. Cas hummed happily in response. “Do you want to talk about it any more?” He asked, but Cas shook his head. “Ok, well we’ve got the rest of the afternoon, do you want to do something to take your mind off things?” 

“Can we go to bed, and you know, sleep?” Cas asked quietly, almost embarrassed. He was exhausted, his emotions having kept him up at night for weeks. Dean smiled and nodded, taking him by the hand and leading him up the stairs and into their bed, holding him close to his chest until he was safely, soundly asleep. 

 

*

 

Dean held Castiel for an hour, never quite drifting into sleep himself, his mind buzzing with the new information and playing out possible futures. He was scared, terrified. He wasn’t sure how well he’d cope himself, but he knew Castiel would be in pieces when the time came. It was his cell phone, vibrating in his pocket, that made him eventually let go, leaving his love asleep as he climbed out of bed and snuck down the stairs before answering. 

“Naomi?” He greeted the manager, who’d spent the day back in London organising further interviews and promos. 

“Dean.” She sighed, relief in her tone. “Castiel isn’t answering his phone, I was told he’s sick?” 

“Uh… yeah.” He lied. 

Naomi was less easy to fool than the director had been, and Dean’s tone was far from convincing. “He’s not sick, is he? What’s happened?” 

Dean sighed, sitting down on one of the cosy couches and keeping his voice low so as not to disturb the sleeping man upstairs. “He’s kind of sick.” He explained. “He had a total meltdown, and he was scaring me, so I told them he was sick and they sent him home.” 

“What! Is he ok? What’s wrong with him? Has he talked to you?” Her concern was genuine. 

“Yeah he has… No, he’s not ok, and I don’t think he will be for a while, but there’s nothing we can do except be there for him.” Dean tried to explain without giving up Castiel’s secret. He’d made it very clear that the information was private. 

“What do you mean? What is it?” 

“I can’t tell you, he doesn’t want anyone to know.” Dean rubbed his face with his hands. “Just trust me on this. It’s gunna get worse before it gets better, but I’ve got this, Naomi. If I need help… if he needs help, I promise I’ll ask.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update again on saturday because these are so short and i'm such an awful person!


	26. Cold Water

It was the young boy, probably 12 or 13 years old, with jet black hair and blue eyes to boot, that always caught his attention. It was probably those visual similarities to Castiel that he’d noticed first, but that was where the likeliness ended. The boy whose name was Jake had a rounded face, full of the puppy fat he was yet to grow out of, while Castiel’s cheeks were angular and his chin squared. But something in his broken manner struck a chord with Dean, and he felt himself pulled toward the boy, wanting to strive to help him. He figured he was all too similar to how he’d been at that age, sunken and forlorn, beginning to understand the reality of the shit he’d been dealt. 

His eyes were trained on Jake that day, when he’d been taken into that little glass office in the nonprofit’s headquarters, discussing how his time would be best used, being praised for his endorsement, for his courage. They’d made plans for a commercial, where Dean would be discussing the work of the charity and telling his story. The office was at the back of the room, a large play centre, a respite for children and young carers, each of whom had a story so convoluted that Dean almost thought he’d got off lightly. There were toys and soft play, large wide screen TVs, Xboxes, Playstations, whatever else they were playing these days. It was bright and colourful, catering for a wide range of ages and a large number of kids, and today the program was just free play, but the service offered so much more than that, and that was one of the reasons Dean had agreed to come here today. 

It had been a while since he’d stopped listening, and the regional manager behind the desk in front of him had noticed, and had herself gone quiet, following his gaze. They watched as Jake leant back against a wall, kicking his feet uncomfortably, staring down at his cell phone without hope. The manager, Teresa, chewed her lip unhappily at the sight while Dean stared on obliviously. 

“Physical abuse.” She said after they were silent for a long moment. The boy had put his cell phone back into his pocket, his gaze redirected to the floor. 

After a pause, Dean looked up to meet her eyes. It was all too familiar, and for a moment he began to fall. For a time, he was Jake, and she was the personification of everyone that had tried to help him. She was Evelyn, as she was Mrs Peverell. She was Jess and she was Castiel. His heart hurt at the thought of Evelyn. His breaths became short and laboured, and his chest felt impossibly tight. “Yeah, I know.” 

Before he could sink completely, Teresa’s lips curled into a tiny smile, one of encouragement and acceptance, and he forced his panic away. That was her permission, he realised, and with that he stood, allowing his feet to carry him toward the boy who was hurting so badly. 

“Hey.” He said quietly as he reached Jake. He let his back lean lightly against the wall as the boy looked up to meet his gaze in surprise and recognition. His eyes widened, deep seated fear within, but as he scanned Dean’s expression and decided he was not a threat, he softened slightly. 

“Hi.” Jake replied, a curious lilt to his already deep voice. Dean suddenly found himself lost for words, but lucky for him Jake seemed happy to talk. “Are you… are you Dean?” He asked for confirmation.

“Yeah.” Dean breathed, wondering why he’d been so compelled to do this when now he was beginning to panic. 

“And… and you’re here because you’re like me… you said on the TV.” 

“You saw that?” Dean smiled, trying to appear calm. Nearby, a younger child, perhaps only 7 years old, went running past them. 

“Yeah.” Jake nodded, suddenly shy. 

“Do you want to go and talk somewhere, Jake?” Dean asked quietly, and the young boy nodded nervously, allowing Dean to lead him off to one of the other glass office rooms at the back. As he let the door slip closed behind him, he turned and climbed up to sit on the desk surface, gesturing with a smile as Jake clambered up to sit next to him. He suddenly didn’t know where to start, but again Jake had his own idea.

“I didn’t realise it wasn’t just me.” The boy admitted, barely louder than a whisper. “Not until I saw you on the telly. I watched it at my friend’s house, and then I asked his mom if it was ok that my mom was doing those things to me… because you said it wasn’t ok… and now… now I’m here.” 

Dean’s heart was breaking for the kid. It felt weird to know that he’d been directly responsible for getting this boy out of his dangerous home - most of the kids here were in care or lived in foster placements -  but he felt good that it had kept him safe at least. He wondered what he’d have done back then, if there had been someone older to talk to, who’d truly understood. 

“What did your dad do to you?” Jake asked again, before Dean could formulate a response. 

“He’d hit me, mostly.” Dean said quietly, and his voice was catching. He had to rein it in, hold himself back. It wasn’t about him any more, he was safe and secure and he had everything he needed. “He did worse things sometimes.”

“My mom hit me too.” Jake admitted, and when Dean looked at him there were tears on his cheeks, and he put an arm on his shoulder without even thinking. “Once she pushed me down the stairs and I broke my leg.” He said, and he leant down to pull up the bottom of his jeans. Dean chewed his lip at the sight of the long surgical scar that ran up his calf.

“I have scars too.” Dean stated, and he lifted his t-shirt to his navel, feeling incredibly vulnerable as Jake examined the marks left by his past. He kept his scars to himself as a general rule, although Cas had broken through that barrier many years ago. While he was being scrutinised, he looked up, checking that no one else was looking in, and he felt a rush of relief when he saw another pair of bright blue eyes across the room, watching him with a nervous but sympathetic gaze as he stood talking to Teresa. His lips curled automatically into a smile, and he relaxed when Cas beamed back at him. “Do you still get to see your friend?” Dean wondered aloud. 

“No.” Jake said sadly. “I miss him.” 

“I bet.” Dean sighed, feeling the weight of Jake’s pain. The original pain of losing Castiel washed over him again. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll talk to Teresa, see if there’s some way you could see your friend again.” He smiled.

“Thank you.” Jake smiled back, visibly brightened. 

“Is your foster placement ok?” Dean asked.

The boy shrugged. “They’re alright.” 

Letting out a deep sigh, Dean wanted nothing more than to walk over and fall into Castiel’s arms, wanted the reminder that he was through the worst of his torment. He couldn’t think of any way to make Jake’s pain better, but if he could make it more bearable by at least giving him his friend back then he would feel like he’d achieved something. He knew how important friends were. 

“How old were you when you got over it?” The boy asked suddenly, and a horrible weight landed instantly in Dean’s stomach. How do you tell a kid that they won’t ever get over it? He looked down to meet the boy’s eyes, seeing the hope and fear within.

“Honestly, Jake, I’m never going to get over it.” He sighed. “But it gets easier every day. If you want my advice, keep talking about it, keep talking to people and making friends and you will realise that not everyone is bad. And you might not get over it but you can heal, at least enough.”

Jake looked away, a strangely contemplative expression for someone so young on his face as he chewed his lip. “So this is it, then? It doesn’t change, you just live with it?” 

“I wish I could tell you otherwise. I waited ten years for the pain to go away.” Dean said sadly. “But you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. So do whatever makes you happy, and I promise it will get easier the moment that you accept it.” 

“Thanks.” Jake said in earnest as he looked up. Dean reached a hand out to his shoulder and gave it a squeeze, smiling as the boy pulled up from the desk, and with a final, lingering look back, went back into the room. 

When he was gone, Dean felt suddenly so much heavier. He felt tired and strained, and his head dropped automatically into his hands as he was overcome with emotion. It was so rewarding, knowing the positive effect he’d had on Jake’s life and future, and even if he was the only kid in the world he ever helped, it would be worth it. But it was so painful. Someone may as well have plunged a knife into his stomach and stirred the emotions around manually, it was hurting so much to drag it all out. His hands reached for his sides and crossed across his abdomen protectively as he bent over, hanging limply with the weight he carried. 

He didn’t need to look up when he heard the door open again. He just sunk into the embrace as those strong hands went for his back and his head and he let himself be cradled and let himself feel safe. He let out a low hum when Castiel’s lips pressed into his hair and he nuzzled his face on that abdomen, his hands reaching up and grasping at his partner’s hips, grounding him. 

“You ok?” Cas asked, because he could see exactly how difficult it was. 

“Yeah.” Dean breathed. “It’s just tough.” 

“I know.”

“Are you?” Dean asked softly, looking up to meet Castiel’s eyes. 

The actor paused for a long moment, but he took a deep breath, and after some time, nodded his head knowingly. “Yeah, it’s just tough.” He repeated, and Dean mirrored his sad smile. 

 

*

 

“Ok, action.” Said the man behind the camera. Dean swallowed, staring right into the lens.

“My name is Dean Winchester, and I was abused.” He began, but his voice was shaking by the end of the simple sentence. “Every day…” He choked, and his voice wasn’t working any more. He raised his hands to catch his dropping head, frustrated as he rubbed at his cheeks. This was already the sixth take and he hadn’t got any farther than this. How the hell was he supposed to say that whole freaking paragraph? The autocue continued to tease him with a display of the words he couldn’t get out and he was beginning to wonder if he would go mad inside these bright white walls with only the camera crew for company. He wished Castiel would come back in. He was still somewhere in the complex, touring with Teresa. 

“Come on Dean, you can do this.” The woman stood next to the camera man smiled encouragingly. 

Could he? Because it certainly didn't feel like it. Being in this place was a constant reminder of all the things he’d tried so hard to forget. He’d glimpsed a little girl in the hall with a bruise on her cheek that had taken him back to all the bruises he’d covered up over the years. His heart was banging in his chest and he wasn’t sure if it had dropped under 100 beats per minute since he’d stepped foot inside. He knew this was for the greater good, he knew it was important, he knew he had to try and help people like him but how could he help when he just kept freezing?

He nodded, and when the camera started rolling, he opened his mouth again. “My name is Dean Winchester, and I…I…” He stammered to a stop, cursed loudly, and turned away from the camera and the crew. Everyone was silent for a few moments, and when he looked back he wished they’d looked pissed off. He certainly felt pissed off. But their sympathy was so much worse. It made him feel weak and powerless, and he was anything but. He’d come out of this alive. He’d survived. He was strong.

Only a few short moments later the door opened, and he felt so relieved when Teresa and Castiel let themselves back inside. Their eyes connected instantly, and Cas just knew he was struggling. He crossed the room in a few long strides and then his arms were around Dean and for a little while everything was ok again. Dean let his face rest on his collar and closed his eyes while Cas stroked his back, and when he’d calmed down enough he looked up to meet his encouraging gaze but he still wasn’t getting through this without help. 

“I can’t do it.” He whispered, and the crew had had the decency to switch off the microphone and allow them the private conversation. 

“I’m sure you can.” Cas said slowly, unsure what to say. “But if you want me to stand here with you then I will.” He wondered how Naomi would take it, offering up his services without her permission or any payment. But he found he didn’t care.

Dean bit his lip, looking down and slightly embarrassed. But he nodded once, and Cas sucked in a breath, running a hand through his hair to try and get it looking presentable. He probably looked awful. He’d come here straight from the shoot, and although he’d showered and was physically clean he felt tired and rough. He tugged on Dean’s arm and led him back to the cross on the floor where he had to stand, and they stood side by side over it. Teresa’s eyes had perked up in interest as she realised what he was doing, and he smiled with a light shrug to reassure her that he didn’t mind.

As they called to action the shot again, Dean’s fingers wrapped around Castiel’s. 

“My name is Dean Winchester, and I was abused.” He began confidently, but again his voice started to descend into shakes. Cas read back what the autocue was telling him to say, and his brow furrowed. It was no surprise that he hadn’t managed to get the words out. When Dean didn’t speak, Castiel spoke for him. 

“Every day of his childhood, Dean lived in fear.” Castiel started, surprising Dean next to him and the crew behind the camera. His own voice was shaking a little. He continued staring at the autocue, mentally getting rid of the first person perspective. “From when he was only four years old, at his most vulnerable, he was subjected to physical torment, while trying to ensure the safety of his younger brother. His father, the one person who should have been trying to protect him, was his nightmare.”

“No child should have to live like this. And with your help, they won’t have to.”  When Castiel finished, Dean pulled a shallow breath into his lungs and fell into the arms of the man he loved, trying not to let his tears show to the camera. He knew they were still rolling. Cas was pressing kisses into his cheeks and temple and it was helping but he kept falling back into that dark place again, kept sinking under the cold water of his past.

“You’re ok, you’re safe.” Castiel was whispering, and Dean could only nod against his shoulder. 


	27. Premiere

When they’d been staying there initially, they’d hardly had time to see any of London, save for the glimpses they’d got out of the car window. It wasn’t Castiel’s first visit to the UK, but he’d never had time to enjoy it before, and Dean had never been away from the US. Plus Dean’s birthday had been barely celebrated in January, and Cas wanted to actually spend some time with him. So he’d planned, considering the fact that fate seemed unwilling to give them a fucking break, to elongate his time back in the capital for the London premiere of Henry VII, so that he and Dean could do some sightseeing on their own. Naomi hadn’t been happy with the plan, insisting that Crowley follow behind them to ensure their security, but she had reluctantly agreed, and they found themselves walking hand in hand through the streets of London, wearing large coats with their hoods up in a desperate attempt to protect their identities. 

They’d walked, in order to see as much as possible, from the Ritz, by Buckingham Palace, through St James’s Park, past Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, over to the Southbank of the Thames and along to Tower Bridge, stopping at the various sights along the way, with Castiel finding an interest in Shakespeare’s Globe and Dean being more interested in the HMS Belfast. They stopped for a couple of hours to eat an extortionately priced dinner in the Shard, before resuming their walk back. 

Castiel smirked as they reached the base of the London Eye, took Dean by the wrist and dragged him into the ticket office, grinning back towards Crowley as he paid for three tickets. Dean smiled at his partner as they stepped inside the observation car and headed to the back, away from the door. Dean found himself surprised at how large the cars were, it was a bigger space than he’d imagined and for that he was grateful. They watched the world go by for a time, standing side by side, Cas’s arm at some point finding its way around Dean’s waist, his other pointing out landmarks as he saw them.  

Keen for a photo, Castiel pulled down their hoods and handed his cell phone to Crowley. He put his arm back around Dean, smiling into the camera as the security guard captured the moment. He’d seen a few faces turn his way in surprised recognition, and to avoid them, he turned to look back out of the window. 

“Dean?” A familiar, incredulous female voice called. Cas turned with a raised eyebrow, letting Dean go, good mood draining at the sight of the brunette walking toward them. 

“Lisa?” Dean asked, surprised. The slim woman threw her arms around him in a tight hug that sent a pang of jealousy through Castiel’s heart. Dean loosely responded, watching her curiously, eyes settling on the diamond on her left ring finger. Castiel saw his gaze linger there a fraction too long and looked at the floor, scuffing his feet awkwardly. The tall man with curled, short blonde hair who he knew to be Jess’s older brother Matt, joined them reluctantly only a moment later. 

“Uh… hi.” Dean said uncomfortably, and Matt issued a similarly awkward greeting. Castiel continued to say nothing. 

“How have you been?” Lisa asked Dean happily, as if they were on good terms. Cas had to bite his lip to keep from saying something he’d come to regret. 

“Yeah… I’m, uhm, good, we’re good.” Dean answered, side eyeing Castiel in the hope of some support, although none was forthcoming. “What are you doing here?” He asked, almost suspicious. He wondered for a moment if she was there specifically to meddle, if she knew they’d be here. It was all over the news, he supposed.

“We just came on a city break, it’s good to see the world.” She smiled, and Dean felt the dig behind her words. He’d never taken her anywhere, how could he when he couldn’t face the flight? She was never worth the flight, he reasoned. Castiel was definitely worth the flight.

“We’re here for business.” Dean said, irritation giving him confidence. “Cas is shooting Star Wars.”

“So this is happening, then?” She asked, gesturing between them both, and completely blanking over his brag about Castiel’s new film. Castiel chewed his cheek as he continued his pledge of silence.

Dean nodded. “Uh, yeah.”

“We just got engaged.” She bragged, showing off the silver solitaire ring on her finger that was entirely dissimilar from the one he almost gave her. 

“Congratulations?” Dean said, almost a question, the conversation dredging up weird emotions. He could feel how tense Castiel had become next to him, and Matt looked embarrassed. The moment grew awkward. 

“Ok, I’m getting a bit fed up of the death glare.” Lisa said irritably, looking directly at Cas. “Can we please just act like adults?” 

“Some of us can.” Cas spat back, anger flaring in his eyes. Dean reached out automatically, turning into him and placing a hand on his arm, holding him back. 

“Yes some of us can.” She retorted. “But if you want to continue to act like a child that’s your prerogative.” 

“Right, because it’s adults who sell each other out because they’re jealous, and it’s adults who cheat on their partners for months on end.”  
  
“Cas.” Dean warned, but Castiel’s attention was on the woman in front of them.

“Don’t talk to me about cheating!” Lisa’s voice grew louder, more shrill. “Anyone who looked at you two could see you were fucking behind my back, the constant eyes at each other, texting all the time-” 

“We weren’t -” Cas was insisting. 

“-And apparently it looks like I’ve done you a favour.” 

“Enough.” Dean said loudly, stepping between the two, placing a hand on Castiel’s chest protectively. Cas glared at him, anger slowly settling into an irritable pout. Happy that Cas had calmed down enough to stay quiet, Dean turned back to Lisa. “I wish we’d done things differently.” He began. “I’ve already admitted that I cheated on you but I promise it was just the once. Maybe if I’d just been honest with you from the start… I mean, if I’d been honest with everyone from the start, I don’t think we’d have ever been together.” 

“I saw the interview.” She said quietly, saving him from further explanation. 

Dean nodded. “I am sorry about the way things happened.” He smiled sadly. “But it’s always been Cas.”

 

*

 

If there was one place Dean felt like he truly didn’t belong, it was the fucking red carpet. How was Cas so calm by his side? Being snapped from every angle. He kept having to turn his head to avoid the flashes of light he knew were coming but would look headfirst into another and end up dazzled for a few moments. He was blinking the white spots out of his eyes when Castiel’s hand wove through his and he smiled despite the fact that he could barely see anything. Cas nudged him and he looked into his eyes, just about making out his beaming face as he leant in to kiss his lips. It still felt like heaven, every time they connected.

The paparazzi were loving their display of affection, and the flashes were beyond blinding when his eyes opened again. He pulled away though, and after a squeeze to his hand he followed Castiel’s gaze to the floor where his eyes managed to adjust again, and when he could look back up he shot him a grateful look for the tip. He jumped a little at the feel of a small hand on his shoulder. It felt feminine and soft, and he almost took it for granted that it would belong to Naomi, except, he realised, she wasn’t on the red carpet herself. He turned, eyes going completely wide at the sight of his red haired best friend beaming up at him. 

“Charlie?!” He exclaimed, and he bent to scoop her up, arms around his waist as he spun her around in a full 360. She was dressed like she belonged, in a black floor length gown and with her hair pinned up behind her head. He was stunned into silence, but she shot a pointed look at Castiel and the actor’s coy smile told him everything he needed to know.

“How are you finding fame?” Charlie asked him quietly a little while later, when they’d funnelled into the cinema for the movie. 

“It’s so weird.” He replied. Cas was on his other side, listening with interest. “I just don’t get why anyone would be interested in me.” 

“You made yourself pretty interesting on Graham Norton.” Charlie pointed out. “I watched it with Sam and Jess. You should have seen our faces. We’re so proud of you. Jess cried. And then when Cas kissed you we all cheered.” 

Dean just shrugged, feeling suddenly shy, but there was a smile on his lips as the movie started to play.

 

*

 

The movie seemed to have gone down well. It was weird for Dean, now that they were officially together, to watch Castiel on screen, dressed in sixteenth century clothing, changing his voice and kissing Alayna (that part in particular had been strange, and had sent an unpleasant, jealous feeing rocketing to his stomach while Cas had shot him an anxious look), but overall he’d enjoyed the experience. Especially for the fantastic surprise of having Charlie by his side. Castiel, it turned out, had orchestrated the whole thing, had flown her in the day before. She’d be spending that night with them in their suite. After the credits had rolled Cas had gestured to them and they’d followed as he led the way out through the seats back into the open air, where the three of them stood arm in arm, being photographed again by the waiting media. 

“So how are things going?” Charlie asked at the afterparty, when they had drinks in their hands. Castiel was off talking to producers and directors with Naomi, and Dean half wondered if this was why he’d invited Charlie, to keep him company. 

“Between me and Cas? Never better. Like I seriously don’t know why I waited so long.” Dean grinned. 

“Because you had your head up your ass, that’s why.” Charlie protested, but there was a smile on her lips. “But in general, I mean. How are you dealing with everything, now that everyone knows?” 

 _Right, yeah, of course._ No surprise that she’d have figured out how difficult it could be on a bad day. “Mostly I’m fine.” He said carefully. He’d never really talked about his abuse to her directly and it felt strange, this unchartered territory. “I get off days, where I regret telling anyone because it’s hard to talk about, but I’ve met some amazing people, and there have been kids that have said they’d got out because they’d heard what I said and I just keep trying to hold on to that.” 

“At least you’ve got Cas. I know I don’t know him anywhere near as well as you do but he seems amazing for you. Every time he looks at you it’s like you’re his whole world.” 

Dean blushed. Cas was _his_ whole world too. “He’s incredible.” 

“He’s also too generous.” Charlie rolled her eyes. “I tried to tell him I could book my own flights but before I knew it he’d sent the confirmation. First class and everything.” 

“That sounds about right.” Dean grinned. His eyes scanned the crowd. He could see Naomi, but Cas wasn’t with her. His brow furrowed. 

“He looks like he’s drinking the whole bar.” Charlie muttered, and Dean followed her gaze in the opposite direction, eyes landing on the movie star’s back, where he was sitting on a stool and leaning over the bar with several empty glasses in front of him. Dean shot Charlie an apologetic look as he scurried over, and she just grinned as she walked off to make friends with some of the other celebrities. He wondered if she was jealous, if a part of her wanted this life for herself. Maybe he’d be able to make that happen for her some day. 

“Have you drunk enough yet?” He whispered into the actor’s ear as he came up to stand behind him, his arms wrapping protectively around his chest. Cas purred at the touch, and let his neck fall back to nuzzle his head against Dean. 

“Not nearly enough.” He laughed. 

“You sure about that?” Dean asked quizzically, counting the empty shot glasses. Without warning, Cas turned and spun around, his arms reaching up to bring Dean’s lips to his own. He kissed him with passion, and it was with difficulty that Dean pulled away. 

“Easy tiger.” He smiled, fingers coursing through Castiel’s hair. 

“I want you. Right now.” Cas demanded, and the gravel in that glorious voice sent all of his blood rushing south. 

“We’re in public.” Dean reminded him with a grin, shifting uncomfortably while he resisted his body’s needs. 

“And?” 

“Later.” 

Castiel pouted, and his eyes narrowed into almonds. He leant back up to hover his lips across Dean’s. “Only if you promise that I can fuck you until the sun comes up.” 

Dean crossed his legs and let out a little groan when Cas kissed him again. It took everything he had to swat Cas’s hand out of the way when his fingers reached up to squeeze his hard-on through his pants. “Come on.” He whispered, pulling away before he could do something stupid. “Let’s go find everyone else.” 

They mingled for a while longer, catching up with Alayna and the other cast members, Charlie looking interested by their side. Cas seemed to be flagging, the longer that they went on. He kept drinking, by far more drunk than any of the others, and his mood was taking a turn for the worse. Dean made the executive decision to get him alone, and they left the two girls talking while they went off to get another drink. 

“Alayna is straight.” Cas said suddenly, watching Dean regard the girls with curiosity. “Not even Charlie will win that battle.” He laughed. 

“We’ll see.” He smiled. He looked into Castiel’s eyes as he leant against the bar and his hand went out to his shoulder. “Are you alright?” He asked.

Castiel chewed his lip for only a moment before Dean started to regret asking the question. Tears welled in the actor’s eyes quicker than he could get a hold on himself, and Dean pulled him into his shoulder when they fell. He didn’t feel uncomfortable, but he knew he needed to get Cas alone before someone noticed. Cas wouldn’t forgive him if his secret got out like this. 

“Come on.” He whispered, and with help Cas followed him into the bathroom, where Dean leant back on the door and let his weight fall onto him. 

“How am I going to cope?” Cas asked through his tears, his pain radiating off of him stronger than Dean had ever known it to. He was usually so well guarded, but right now there wasn’t a wall tall enough to keep it all in. 

“You will, baby. I’ll be here.” 

“And what if I don’t? What if I can’t?” 

“It’s not going to be a choice, Cas. You’ll have to.” 

“I can’t imagine life without her.” 

Dean could. He knew exactly what life without the people you need most was like, but he had no idea how to tell Cas that it was as awful as he was imagining. “Don’t think about it yet. Just make the most of her. When you’re back home for the premiere you’ll see her, right?” He was referring to the Hollywood premiere of the movie, he had of course been invited, but a short four days without Castiel seemed a reasonable price to pay to not cross the Atlantic twice in the same period.

“I don’t want them to find out.” Cas said through his tears. 

“They haven’t so far.” Dean pointed out. “I still think you should warn Naomi.” 

“I can’t talk about it. I don’t want anyone else to know. Just you.” He cried. 

“Ok.” Dean whispered, although he was unsure if the path they were taking was the wisest one. 

“Don’t you ever leave me.” Cas said suddenly, and Dean’s arms tightened around him. 

“I won’t, baby. I won’t.” 

When Castiel lurched suddenly forward, Dean tried to grab him, worried he was falling, but those strong hands pushed back and he was barged out of the way, Cas stumbling forward to empty his stomach into the toilet bowl. Dean frowned, sinking to his knees and rubbing Castiel’s back as he continued to vomit, feeling incredibly sorry for himself. His face was still blotchy where he’d been crying, and after this he looked a complete state. Dean smiled softly and placed a light kiss into his hair, handing him some tissue when the wave had passed. 

“I wonder how many more times I’ll have to rub your back when you’re puking because you’ve got too drunk.” He said with a half laugh. Castiel just groaned, and when Dean shifted so that he was sat, leaning back against the wall, Cas leant his side into him and rested his head against his chest while Dean buried his face into his hair. “Do you remember the first time we ever got drunk?” He whispered. 

A smile crept over Castiel’s lips. “We stole my mom’s wine.” He laughed. 

“You couldn’t handle it even then.” Dean grinned. “You spent that night over a toilet as well, if I remember.” 

“How old were we, fifteen?” 

“About that, I guess.”  

“I think I’d already fallen in love with you at that point.” Cas said quietly, and Dean’s hand found his and gave it a quick squeeze. 

“Even then?” Dean asked. 

Castiel shrugged. There was a smirk on his lips. “Do you remember my first kiss?” 

Dean snorted. “Yeah. Of course.” 

“I’d fallen for you a long time before that. But that was a good kiss. You were so into it. A little too much, if I remember correctly.” Cas grinned, one hand dipping into Dean’s lap. 

“You knew I’d got a hard-on from that?” Dean couldn’t help but blush. 

“Of course I knew. You looked mortified and uncomfortable. It was exactly how you looked every time you got an inappropriate boner.”

“You’re an ass.” 

Castiel laughed. “I was hard too, you know. I’d have fucked you that night, if you’d asked. I’d have done anything for more of that.” 

“It was probably a good thing then that I didn’t ask, we’d have had more time to make up for.” Dean said, his tone suddenly a little sad. 

“Remember when we played spin the bottle with those girls? At, was it Katie’s party?” Castiel looked up to meet his eyes. 

“Meg’s I think. And yes, of course I remember. I remember praying that the bottle wouldn’t land on you because I knew exactly how my body would react.” 

“We only played that stupid game because you wanted to make out with Anna.” Cas pointed out. “And look how well that ended up. Remember what else we did that night?” 

“Well I never could keep my hands off of you.” Dean smiled, and he leant in to kiss Castiel’s lips, firm and slow. 

“You went really cold after that.” Castiel stated. He sounded a little hurt, like it was an old wound that had never closed properly. Dean sighed.

“I know. But after what you’d said to me… the things you said that night Cas…” Dean trailed off to take a breath, he knew Cas had only been trying to protect himself. “I didn’t even know how you felt about me but I’d figured out by then that I wanted more with you, that I didn’t just love you as my friend. And that was terrifying, because not only were you a guy you were my best damn friend in the world and I was scared that I’d mess it up, and I was scared of dad and everything that he could do. I just… I couldn’t even let it be an option.” 

“I still can’t believe that I never worked it out. I mean all those times that you used to come over and get patched up by mom. I suppose she knew, did she? She must have figured it out.” 

“She knew, yeah. She asked me a few times, when she got me alone. I always denied it.” 

“I wish you hadn’t.” Cas sighed, and Dean pressed a kiss into his hair rather than respond. “Don’t you ever think about what it would have been like, if you hadn’t? Maybe mom would have adopted you and Sam and we could have all gone away somewhere together.” 

“For a start Cas, that would have made us brothers.” Dean smirked. “But there’s no way they’d have let your mom adopt us. We’d have been split up and shoved across the country somewhere. I don’t know, maybe we wouldn’t have, but I couldn’t risk it. It wasn’t a decision I ever thought twice about.”

The pain that still lingered in Dean’s heart was apparent in his voice, and Castiel was suddenly lost for words, looking up at him with sorrow.

“It was always part of my plan, you know.” Dean said softly, interrupting Castiel’s reverie. “I’d been counting down the years until we were eighteen. I had money saved, I was gunna buy a car and rent a place to live with Sam, follow you to LA when you got into school like I knew you would.”

“You know Sam wouldn’t have gone with you. He had Jess by then.” Castiel said, but he was smiling, touched by the thought even if it was eleven years old. 

“And I’d have only held you back anyway.” Dean sighed.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Cas rolled his eyes. He paused for a long moment. “It would have been different if your dad hadn’t been like he was. Can you imagine? If he’d been supportive and normal? We’d have been together since we were sixteen, easily. We might even have been married by now.” 

“You want to get married someday?” Dean asked with a smile. Castiel nodded, and leant up to take a kiss. 

“Some day.” He agreed. 

 

*

 

It seemed like an age until they found themselves in mid-June, and they were eagerly welcoming in the summer with anticipation, counting down the final days of their UK stay. 

There was a lot Dean would miss about the last few months. He’d definitely miss the cast and crew of Star Wars, and watching Castiel on set whenever he could. It had made his inner nerd incredibly happy, and he would have a permanent one up on Charlie for the experience, even if she had met a lot of the cast before she’d flown back home. He’d also grown attached to their little cottage, it was a lot less imposing than the Beverly Hills mansion Castiel owned, and it attracted less attention because of it. He’d miss the privacy it had afforded, he’d miss waking up knowing it was just the two of them in the house (even if Naomi, Kevin, and Crowley were only across the driveway), and pretending their life was anything like a normal one. 

Two weeks before they were due to return home, Castiel had gone, like every other day, to the set to film early in the morning, but today Dean had remained at the cottage, kissing him goodbye over coffee. There was an interviewer coming to their house to write a magazine article about him and his work with nonprofit children’s organisations, something that Naomi had organised. As long as he was spreading awareness, Dean was happy to oblige. 

They had almost finished up when the call came. Since he had found out about Evelyn’s condition, Dean found  himself nervous every time he had to answer the phone, dreading the inevitable news that he would one day receive. But right now it was Naomi’s name flashing on the screen. He excused himself from the journalist and slipped into the next room, hitting call as he lifted his phone to his ear. 

“Dean? You need to come down to the set.” Naomi began speaking quickly, frantically, as soon as he’d answered. 

“What? Why?” Dean frowned, his heart racing with palpitations. “Is Cas ok?” 

“I don’t know.” She grimaced. “He took a phone call and when he came back he was having trouble with his lines, he’s locked himself in his trailer, won’t talk to anyone.” 

“I’m on my way.” Dean hung up and grabbed his jacket, almost forgetting to apologise to the journalist as he ran out of the house. He considered waiting for a car, but broke into a run instead. They were filming in the forest, only a mile or so away, and while he had been fitter he could still run the distance without breaking too much of a sweat. 

In less than ten minutes he was being ushered into the grounds, and within another few he was walking to the trailer, panting. Naomi caught sight of him and beckoned him over. His heart was racing, and not just because of the exercise. What if they were too late? What if they’d already run out of time? He wasn’t ready for this, any more than Castiel was. He wasn’t prepared. How the hell were they going to cope?

“Thanks for coming.” Naomi began as soon as he reached her. She eyed him curiously. “Did you run here?” 

Dean shrugged, and Naomi rolled her eyes. “Did he say who called?” He asked. 

“No, he didn’t say anything, and honestly we’re on a tight enough schedule without taking time out to ask questions about personal calls. I’d assumed it was you.” She shook her head, frustrated. “It really would make my life easier if I knew what was going on.” She insisted. “Are you expecting a call?” 

“Sorry.” Dean apologised. He was still unsure if keeping her in the dark was the most sensible option, but Castiel had been adamant. “I’m gunna see if he’ll talk to me.” 

Naomi gestured to the trailer hopelessly, trying to figure out the cause for her client’s erratic behaviour. After a few short paces, Dean stood awkwardly on the top of the steps leading up to the trailer and knocked on the door.

“Go away.” Came an indignant response from inside. 

“It’s me.” Dean called. There was a long pause, after which he could hear the shuffling inside as Castiel came to the door and swung it open, allowing him in. 

Cas looked at the floor. “I told her not to call you.” He complained. 

“Well she did, and I’m here.” Dean whispered. He took a step forward, closing the gap between them and wrapping his arms around the back of Cas’s shoulders. Cas sighed at the contact and slipped his own around Dean’s waist, stooping slightly to lean his head against his neck. 

“What happened?” Dean asked patiently, although he was dying for confirmation that they still had more time. 

“I had a call, she’s been admitted to the hospital. I’m ok, I just… freaked out a little.” Cas explained softly. He paused, and leaned back to look into Dean’s eyes. Dean watched him cautiously. “Dean… what if we don’t make it back in time?” 

“Don’t think like that.” He said firmly. “We will.”

Castiel wished he shared his confidence. He took a deep breath and nodded. “Will you stay? I know it sounds dumb but… I find it easier to concentrate when I know you’re there.”

“Of course I will.” Dean smiled. “I’ll come every day if it means we can get this wrapped up and get home. I’ll speak to Naomi, maybe she can book the flights.” 

“That puts a lot of pressure on my getting it right.” Cas chewed his lip. 

“Castiel.” Dean whispered, running his hand through the actor’s hair while he hummed pleasantly. “You are an incredibly talented actor, you know you can do this.” 

Cas scoffed, but inhaled sharply and nodded. Dean gestured toward the door, and, taking his hand, led Castiel back out. Naomi watched them with amazement, joining them as they continued walking back toward the set. Cas apologised to everyone when he reached them, and climbed back into position for their continued filming. Dean smiled at the determination written on his face before he turned to Naomi, who was eyeing him with curiosity and approval. 

“I’m impressed.” She admitted. “That took you less than ten minutes, and he wouldn’t even talk to me.” 

Dean grinned, but his expression gradually faded into something more serious. “How much longer are they saying this will take?” 

“The shoot?” She asked, to which Dean nodded. “A week, if all goes to schedule. Longer, if Castiel can’t handle it.” 

“He can.” Dean insisted. “I need you to book the flights back, for a week tomorrow.” 

Naomi looked a bit like Dean was stepping on her toes. He held his gaze confidently. “He has promos booked for next week, we can’t just fly home.” 

“Cancel them.” Dean said firmly. “I’m telling you, we need to go home as soon as we’re done.” 

Naomi frowned, searching his expression with a questioning gaze. 

Dean held his stance. “I’m not asking, Naomi. He needs to be at home.” 

She sighed, nodding gently, but with a frown on her brow. “You did warn me it would get worse before it got better.” She said, resigned.


	28. Homecoming

The return flight was a smoother ride than their outgoing one had been. Fuelled with anticipation for getting back home, a desire to be strong for Castiel, and the more potent sedative he’d been prescribed for the purpose, Dean managed to (mostly) keep control of himself until they’d landed back on US soil. He may have been in his own personal hell for eleven hours straight, occupied only by the worst memory of his childhood, but Cas didn't need to know that, and he'd done a fairly convincing job, pretending to be asleep. He'd only had one slight wobble where Cas had had to hold him for a while, had kissed him and kept him close until he’d calmed down enough. His amazing Castiel, who'd been trying to be there for him even when his world was falling apart. Maybe he should look into getting some therapy, when everything had resolved. He needed to get over the bad memories his past had left behind. He just couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. He’d met Castiel’s eye on more than one occasion. He was going to have to tell him the whole truth about that day sooner or later.

His calm outer demeanour hadn’t stopped Castiel from shooting him nervous looks every time he was awake, but Dean could see how grateful he was for keeping it together, one less thing to worry about. 

The bag landed with a thud on the bedroom floor. Dean grinned as he dropped it and dove childishly onto the bed, rolling to lie spread eagle on his back and whispering sweet nothings to the glorious memory foam mattress he’d missed each night. Cas eyed him with a sheepish smile, placing his own carry on onto the armchair in the corner of his bedroom before joining Dean on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

Rolling his head, Dean snaked an arm around Castiel’s neck and caught his eye, smiling warmly at his partner. He brought his spare hand up, gently tracing the lines of the actor’s angular jawline, rough skin catching on the faint stubble just breaking through. As they looked deep into each other’s eyes, Dean let the emotions they were feeling wash over him. 

His heart was bursting with the love he felt, bolstered by the warmth in Castiel’s gaze, soothed by his hand, resting protectively on his chest. He could read Cas’s love and desire, but poorly masked behind them, his fear, anxiety, and nervousness were plainly visible. He took a deep breath and dipped into a soft kiss, Cas humming happily at the contact. 

“We’ll go as soon as Naomi’s gone.” Dean whispered as they broke apart. 

Castiel nodded, directing his stare back to the ceiling. “Thank you.” He said softly. “For everything you’ve done for me.” 

“Any time.” Dean smiled. 

It felt strange being back in the house. Dean wondered if it was more to do with the length of time they had been in the UK. He’d lived there longer than he’d lived here, after all. It didn’t quite feel like home. He thought maybe Castiel felt the same, flitting from location to location. He had very mixed feelings about their return. He knew it was where they were meant to be, and yet with the knowledge of what their future held it felt sour. It had been easier to put off the inevitable when they were almost five thousand miles away.

As Dean had predicted earlier, Naomi chose not to wait around too long once they had arrived back. She, too, had a home to go back to, family and friends to visit. So before long they were ready to leave again, having quickly showered and changed. Dean was still utterly exhausted from the flight and jet-lag and from battling his overwhelming emotions, but Castiel looked worse for wear as he was led down the steps into the basement garage, through to the black, restored Impala at the back. 

With a shrill anticipation for driving the car he loved once again, Dean climbed keenly into the drivers seat, adjusting the mirrors ready for their escape. It took a moment for him to realise Castiel hadn’t joined him. Frowning, he stepped back out of the car, and crossed to the passenger side where Castiel was stood, frozen in place with his hand still on the door handle. His breathing was ragged and his eyes were squeezed tightly shut, a rebellious tear leaking from the corner of one. 

Whispering his name sympathetically, Dean pulled his hand from the handle and stepped into his arms, clutching him tightly to his chest. They stood for several moments while Cas caught his breath. 

“I’m sorry.” Came Castiel’s soft whisper. “I’m just so scared. I know I need to be there but… I don’t  know how to _be there_ … and what if it’s the last time I…” His voice trailed off, confidence dissipated entirely. 

Dean stroked his hands through the back of Castiel’s dark hair, gently tugging at the loose knots within. “We’ll figure it out.” He smiled, with a confidence he didn’t truly own. If he had been honest, he would explain that he too was terrified of their encounter with the dying woman, scared of the emotions it would result in, of the pain they both would feel. 

Cas pulled back softly, searching Dean’s eyes, and seeing clearly the truth he was trying to hide. He swallowed, and nodded, reassured that no matter what, he was not alone. 

 

*

 

“Hi Mom.” Cas whispered, voice faltering at the change in his mother’s appearance since their last meeting. She was still wearing her wig, but she had lost weight and her skin had become more sallow. He slipped quickly into the chair closest to her bedside, and she smiled warmly at him, offering out a hand which he clutched at desperately. 

“Hello sweetheart.” She smiled, squeezing his hand. She glanced up to Dean, who felt almost as if he was intruding on the moment. “Hello Dean.” She welcomed him. He  took the chair next to Castiel. 

They gradually eased into conversation, with Castiel talking at length about their stay in the UK, Dean occasionally chiming in with comments of his own. Evelyn drank it all in happily. She looked to be content. An hour or so after their arrival, Castiel excused himself to use the bathroom. Eve smiled at her son as he exited the room, turning to Dean when they were alone.

“I saw your interview.” She smiled, and he didn’t need to ask which one. “I was so proud of you.” 

Dean smiled back and thanked her, suddenly shy. “I couldn’t have done it without him.” He insisted. 

Her expression grew serious. “Promise me you’ll look after him, when I’m gone?” She whispered. “It won’t be long.” 

Dean could only nod, he was scared if he tried to talk he’d break down. Evelyn watched him sadly, and held out her hand. He slipped it between his fingers, wondering not for the first time that day how different his life would have been if his own mother had been alive, whether her fingers between his would have felt as warm and comforting as hers did in that moment. 

“I’ve always considered you to be my son, too.” Eve sighed softly, smiling gently.  

Dean looked up to meet her eyes, tears brimming on the rims of his own. He was determined not to let them fall, he had to stay strong for Castiel. 

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.” He whispered, conveying with his tone his overwhelming gratitude for her part in his life. She smiled, squeezing his hand.

“Don’t let him do anything stupid, either. If I find myself waking up in fifty years because he’s frozen me I’ll purposefully murder you both.” She grinned, and Dean laughed as Castiel reentered the room. 

Cas glanced at Dean as he sat back down. He could feel the other man’s sorrow radiating as strongly as his own, and had the sudden realisation of the extent of their relationship. Evelyn had acted as his mother, had raised Dean as much as she had raised him. He wondered if he’d been sensitive enough to that. 

Sighing, Evelyn shuffled on the foam hospital mattress. “I’m tired.” She announced. “I need to rest. Will you come back soon?” 

Castiel kissed her goodbye before they left, and when they returned back to the house, Dean pulled a duffle bag out of the closet, stuffing it hastily with some overnight essentials, and hid it secretly under the bed, ready for when the time came. 

 

*

 

They received the call sooner than either of them had anticipated. 

They had been back in LA for a mere week, having managed only one more visit to the hospital in the meantime, when they were awoken at half past one in the morning by the vibrations of Castiel’s cell phone. He’d given the hospital his personal number months ago. 

Dean groaned as he opened his eyes slowly, heart quickly beginning to race as he realised what was going on, and saw the wide eyed look of horror on Castiel’s face as he reached for his phone. He watched in nervous anticipation as Cas took the call, muttering agreements and then swiftly hanging up. It was several moments before Cas was able to speak. 

“She’s asking for us.” He whispered, voice catching at the end of his statement. 

Hastily pulling back the covers, Dean slipped out of the bed, pulling out some clothes for them both and grabbing the overnight bag he’d packed. Castiel paid no more attention to the prepared duffle than he did the clothes Dean had tossed next to him, he was frozen in fear. Noticing, Dean scurried around to his side of the bed and held out a hand, mumbling encouragements. Cas kicked himself into action, dressing quickly and joining Dean in exiting the room, heading for the Impala in the way they’d discussed previously. 

The roads were clear due to the early hour, and while he wished it was under better circumstances, Dean almost enjoyed the drive in his father’s old car. Castiel remained silent for the duration of the journey, paralysed by his pain. 

As they entered the hospital room, Dean was alarmed by the number of staff present - three nurses and a doctor. They greeted them warmly, and as Castiel rushed to his mother’s side, Dean's gaze was drawn to the flashing monitors alerting the staff to abnormalities on the screens, and his eyes finally rested on a chart at the end of the bed, where three bold letters stood out for all to see - D.N.R. Do not resuscitate. 

The pain was overwhelming, and Dean took a seat next to Castiel, placed a hand on his lower back. He was finding it hard not to break down in tears already, but every time Eve’s eyes drifted towards him they kept him strong. Castiel sat, leaning onto his mother, crying a chorus of _I’m here_ , while she smiled back at him weakly. 

Forty minutes passed in silence. 

And eventually, Evelyn closed her eyes. Then the monitors began to alarm again, not the constant beep beep beep they were used to, but the shrill, terrible, constant noise of the flatline Dean knew from TV. Cas looked up worriedly, eyes wide at the sound, and Dean watched sadly as his face contorted from panic to anger and horror. Cas stood as a nurse stepped forward and began to remove the skin probes on Evelyn’s chest. The nurse had tears in her eyes.

“Why aren’t you doing anything?!” He cried. “Help her!” 

Dean reached out to him but he was shaken off. “Cas…” He whispered, but he was left unheard as Castiel continued to rant at the medical staff. 

“Do something!” He insisted angrily, tears running down his cheeks. He turned back to the nurse removing the skin probes and snatched them from her hands, trying desperately to put them back in place. Dean stood and pulled him away, grabbing his arms and holding them against his sides. Cas glared at him with a desperation in his eyes, a willingness not to believe the truth. 

“They can’t, Cas.” Dean whispered, slipping his hands slowly up to the back of Castiel’s head as he broke down in front of him. After a few moments, Cas shrugged him off and stormed out of the room, and Dean took a few deep breaths before following him, catching up moments later in the corridor and scooping him back against his body, holding him firmly as he sobbed into his chest. 

Dean let the pain wash over him as he pressed gentle kisses into the top of Castiel’s head, but he held back his tears, desperate to stay strong for the man he loved. Cas clutched at his shirt, gasping in ragged breaths between his sobs, and before Dean knew it, Cas’s knees were giving out and he was lowering him down to the floor where they sat, with their backs against the wall, for an hour or more. 

It was never going to have been easy. Knowing it was coming did nothing to soften the blow. The pain was bad, and Dean had experienced a lot of pain in his time. A few tears escaped without his permission. He just couldn’t believe that was it. That it was over, that she was gone. He didn’t know why he was surprised. Everyone he’d ever loved in this life, everyone who’d ever looked out for him or he’d ever looked up to had left him eventually. Just like his mom, and Bobby. Even his father to some extent. He might not have been dad of the year, but he was still his dad. He’d still wanted to make his dad happy, when he was just a little boy. But this was something else. He’d been too young to understand when his mom had gone, and he’d had mixed feelings when his dad had passed. It had hurt like crazy when Bobby had left him, at only nineteen, when he’d already lost Cas, but this? This was death warmed up. Someone might well have a shot a whole through his middle, the pain was so awful, and Eve hadn’t been _his_ mother. 

He clutched Cas closer to him, trying to hold on to the fact that her son at least, was still healthy and safe. He listened to Castiel’s ragged breathing, revelled in the feel of his tears against his shoulder because it did mean that he was still here and still alive and he wasn’t going anywhere soon. Castiel was choking on his pain, trying to think of anything but the fact that his mother was going cold in the room next door, that her heart was no longer beating as it had been for his whole life. That she would no longer be there if he fucked up. What the fuck was he going to do now? He couldn’t go back to Naomi, couldn’t pretend like everything was fine and he was going to be ok. He wasn’t going to be ok. He wasn’t ever going to be ok again. His safety net had just burst. He felt Dean shuffle next to him and his hands flexed into his arms, pleased at least that Dean was here with him, that he had this one last thing to hold on to. He wondered briefly how he’d have been if they’d never made up. If Dean hadn’t ever explained and this had still happened anyway. He knew somehow he wouldn’t have found a way out. The tunnel in front of him was incredibly long, but there was a small light at the end of it. 

Eventually, one of the nurses came to see them, kneeling down in front of them to offer a drink or a bite to eat. Cas shook his head and got to his feet, Dean following suit as they were led to a room designed specifically for its purpose with comfy couches and leaflets on bereavement. Cas stared determinedly at the doctor behind the desk and the paperwork laid out in front of them. 

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” She said gently. Cas nodded stiffly, unable to speak. “All of the arrangements are in order, and I’m sorry to have to ask but I just need you to sign here, here, and here.” She gestured, offering out a pen which Castiel took and used to scrawl his autograph on the papers she had shown him. The funeral arrangements had been in place for weeks, they just needed to set the date.  “If we can do anything to help, please ask.” 

Cas nodded again as fresh tears revealed themselves, and he stood, waiting a moment for Dean to catch up as he turned and began the walk down to the parking lot. As they reached the Impala, Cas pulled open the driver’s side door and climbed quickly inside. Dean stopped him before he could close the door. 

“You’re not in a fit state to drive.” He insisted. 

“I’m not going back to the house.” Cas said firmly. 

“I know.” Dean whispered, sighing. As he went to climb into the car too, Cas huffed and scooted over to allow him in. “Where do you want to go?” 

“Home.” Cas said quietly. He’d made his decision a little while ago. 

Dean nodded, inhaling deeply, heart racing at the thought of dealing with an unplanned flight amidst the chaos in his mind. He knew that Castiel was referring to their home, to Kansas, not the Beverly Hills mansion they lived in. He pulled out his cell phone. “I’ll call Naomi to arrange the plane.” 

“No.” Cas said suddenly. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing everyone, having to explain his pain. It was easier not to tell them. “Let’s drive.” 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “You realise it’ll take what… like a whole 24 hours?” He said, secretly relieved. 

Cas shrugged, turning his head to stare out of the window while Dean watched him carefully. When no more protest was forthcoming, Dean sighed and started the engine, ready to commence their journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it won't all be pain. There is more fluff to come... if you're patient. Even I feel sad about this.


	29. Kansas

It was 36 hours later that they finally crossed the border into Kansas. Although Cas had wanted to press on and get there as quickly as possible, Dean had insisted on stopping in a motel overnight the previous evening, and so he had reluctantly accepted this trade on the condition that he could do some of the driving the next day. Dean had rolled his eyes, but eventually agreed, although he harboured secret concerns about Castiel’s skill, considering he hadn’t seen him drive once in the year since they’d made up. 

He was finding it difficult not to worry about the movie star. He knew he was grieving, but he hadn’t slept since it had happened, and he had refused to eat almost anything, surviving mostly on coffee and the few nibbles he’d had of the takeouts Dean had stopped for. Even in the motel, he'd tossed and turned all night, and turned his nose up at the burger Dean had brought in. He supposed it was normal, that it was just a reaction to his grief, but he didn't know what to do about it.

It was Castiel behind the wheel as they turned purposefully down the residential street, Dean asleep at his side. The houses were large, planked and painted, and all looked idyllic in their row. Very _apple pie,_ as Dean would describe it. Castiel swung the car onto the driveway, and as he switched off the engine Dean stirred, lifting his head and looking around in a post sleep confusion. A part of him had known that they were headed here, but his conscious mind had prepared him not for this, but for the one bedroom apartment that Charlie was now occupying. 

It was so incredibly strange. Looking up at a house he had not been in for eleven years but was once so familiar. As he climbed out of the car, grabbing his duffle from the back seat, he turned, looking over at the house his father had owned, the house he had grown up in. Someone was taking better care of it now. The grass was mown and it was recently painted. There were two young boys playing outside with their mother, the evening sun bouncing off of their metallic swing set. He gazed longingly for a moment at the life he should have had, before turning his attention back to Evelyn’s house, and Castiel, who was already feeling for the spare key hidden under the rocks in the shrubbery that sat next to the front porch. 

No one paid them any attention, for once. But why would they? No one would be expecting a Hollywood actor and his somehow now famous boyfriend to be letting themselves in to a house on a residential street. No one was even sure who owned the place, although it had been rumoured that Castiel Novak grew up in there. They were probably just realtors. Dean took a deep breath as Cas opened the front door and entered the house, and followed him inside. 

Cas made himself instantly busy, ignoring the flood of memories threatening to break his composure as he went about switching on the electrics and water supply, aware that Dean was looking around nostalgically. He turned his attention next to the dust covers, and when Dean realised what he was doing, he helped him in stripping them off and revealing the familiar old furniture underneath. Dean remembered the last time he’d been in this room, the last time he’d laid down on that brown leather couch. He could remember well the pain he’d been in when Cas had ripped that shard of glass out of his side. He remembered the agony of leaving him asleep and alone. 

When they were done, Castiel looked at his hands, wishing there was something else to do. He flexed his fingers, taking way more interest than usual in the crinkled skin and how bad his fingernails were at the moment. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had to keep busy or his brain would catch up and fill him with sorrow. It was the main reason he'd wanted to drive. When he didn't have anything to concentrate on the pain was so much worse. Noticing his discomfort, Dean took his hands in his own and shot him a smile which was returned halfheartedly. 

“I’m tired.” Cas lied, half in panic. He didn’t know what else to do or say but he didn’t want to talk, didn’t want it even to be an option. Although Dean wasn’t tired himself, the way Castiel had dismissed every other unsaid suggestion left him feeling suddenly very awkward, so he nodded, and allowed Castiel to lead him up the familiar wooden staircase and into Castiel’s teenage bedroom, the room where their young relationship had come to an abrupt halt. Neither of them could face entering Evelyn’s room, and the door stayed firmly shut. 

He found himself reminiscing as he and Castiel made up the bed ready for sleeping. He recalled the times they’d played as very young children with toy cars on the wooden floor, he remembered Evelyn watching them from the doorway with a smile on her face. He remembered the times they’d drawn on the patterned green wallpaper - the evidence still there in the corner of the room. He thought about the time they’d first got drunk, the bottle of wine stolen from the kitchen and shared between them in here amidst laughter, and how Castiel had failed to hold it down, ending the night vomiting into the toilet bowl while Evelyn had patted his back, rolling her eyes. 

Dean smiled fondly at the memories, and tried to be grateful for them rather than sad for what they’d lost. He opened the duffle bag and stuffed their clothes inside as they undressed, and joined Castiel under the blankets, praying that they’d sleep. He pressed his chest against Cas’s back, enjoying the pleased sigh he received for the contact, and wrapped his arm tightly around him, pressing kisses into his hair. 

 

*

 

The following morning Dean awoke early, pleased for the long rest he’d managed to have, even if it had been plagued by troubling dreams. Being back here was stirring up all of his pain, sending him right back to the mindset of the scared eighteen year old he'd been when he'd left this place. He almost thought his father was still waiting for him across the street. But the worst part, of course, was that he wouldn't find refuge in Evelyn's arms any more. He wouldn't be able to go downstairs and find her sipping a coffee in the kitchen like she always was. Beside him, Castiel hadn’t moved, the warm, muscular body was still slotted next to him. Dean felt his eyelashes flicker against his arm and realised he was awake. 

“Morning.” He whispered gently.  Castiel rolled to face him, and Dean’s anxiety levels went through the fucking roof at the way he was looking, like he hadn’t slept a wink. The actor had dark purple circles under his bloodshot, pink eyes, that had none of their usual warmth inside them. He looked beat, and he looked empty. Dean ran a hand through his lover’s hair. “Did you sleep at all?” 

Castiel just shrugged. “Maybe a little.” 

Dean sighed and dipped forward to kiss his lips, and Castiel responded, but without his usual warmth, which left him feeling even more concerned than before. “Did you want me to go get breakfast?” He asked, trying to change the topic, trying to give the man next to him something to think about. 

“No.” Cas shook his head. 

“You need to eat.” Dean chided. 

“I know that.” Cas sighed irritably. “But I don’t want you to go anywhere, I don’t want you to be recognised.” 

“Right. Fair enough.” Dean breathed, rolling onto his back. “I could order in?” 

“And use your name and card details?” Castiel almost snapped.

“Or not.” Dean rubbed his eyes, trying not to let Castiel’s irritation get to him. He knew he was hurting, and his last visit to Kansas _had_ been cut short by the media, he supposed. He had a sudden thought. “I could call in a favour with Charlie, ask her to pick us up some things? We’re gunna need to get some stuff just to be able to stay here.” 

Castiel shot him a look, part annoyed, part grateful for his persistence. He sighed deeply, and nodded once. 

The mechanic smiled with relief and climbed out of bed. “I’ll call her.” He told him. He quickly dressed and hurried downstairs with his cell phone, dialling Charlie’s number when he was seated on the couch. 

“Dean!” Charlie sung happily. They hadn’t had the chance to talk since they’d flown back from the UK. 

“Hey.” Dean responded, feeling instantly lighter for hearing her voice. If only the circumstances had been better. But he was pleased he’d be seeing her. 

“You’re back, then?” She asked. In all the confusion, fear, and panic, their return had been kept fairly private.

“Yeah, we got back last week, I’d have called then… but…” He struggled to find the words. “Charlie I need a favour.” 

“Okay….?” She replied, confused. 

“Cas’s mom died two nights ago.” Dean explained, feeling it was easier to be blunt than to skirt around the subject. “Would you pick us up some groceries?” 

“What?! Evelyn? Oh no!” She’d already begun. “Is Cas ok? I’m so sorry, that’s so terrible. Was she ill? I hadn’t heard anything… wait… groceries? What? To deliver to you in Beverly Hills?” 

“Yeah she was… Cas didn’t want anyone to know… no, we’re not… we’re in Kansas.” 

“You’re here?!” She asked, surprised. 

“Yeah, we’re at his mom’s old house, it’s the one opposite my dad’s old place. He wanted to get away for a while and he doesn’t want anyone to find us so I was hoping you’d be able to…” 

“Of course I will.” She interrupted. “I’ll be there in an hour or so. Have you got anything there?” 

“Nothing.” Dean admitted. 

“Ok, I’ll be there soon.” She hung up. 

Dean sighed gratefully, and stared down at his cell phone screen. It had been firmly on silent mode since they’d left LA, and there were 30 missed calls from Naomi. He stared at the call button, debating briefly whether it would constitute a betrayal if he rang her back. But he figured it had become a need to know situation. She hadn’t known about any of it, would have no idea where they were or that they were together or safe. She may even have called the police by now. He debated sending a text, but figured she probably wouldn’t trust it. She’d probably be freaking out. Dean sighed again as he hit dial. 

“Dean?” She answered quickly, because she’d probably been sat near her phone. 

“Yeah… hi.” He breathed, and he paused to give her time to say her piece. 

“Where the hell are you both?!” She sounded angry, concerned, and generally pissed off. “It’s been two days! I came to get him and you were both just gone without a call or anything.” 

“I can explain.” He sighed, when she’d decided it was his turn to speak. “But I won’t tell you where we are.” 

“Not this again.” She complained. “What the hell’s going on? Have you eloped?” 

“What? No. Evelyn died, Cas’s mom.” He began, and he hadn’t reckoned on how painful it would be to tell people. It hit him like a punch to the stomach and he felt his eyes welling up before he could get himself back under control. “She’s been ill, that’s why he’s been so down. It was terminal, he knew it was coming.” 

“What?!” She asked, shocked. 

“Yeah.” Dean sighed, trying desperately to hold back his tears. He took a few deep breaths and he could imagine Naomi’s face, could picture her looking at him in that half frowning, half sympathetic way of hers. He breathed out, slowly and controlled, while he took charge of his emotions again. “Look, we’re safe and I’ve got this, just, please, cancel anything he’s got booked for the next couple of weeks and I’ll try and call you when I know what we’re doing or if he needs anything but he’s just taking some time at the moment. And don’t go putting out any statements to the press because he’ll kill me.” 

Naomi bit back her comments and complaints. “Ok.” She agreed reluctantly. “But we’ll have to talk about that sooner or later.” 

“Yeah, I know. But not yet, please. The funeral is in two weeks.” He informed her. 

“Ok.” She paused. “How is he doing?” 

The silence on the other end of the phone was probably enough of an answer, but Dean couldn’t bear to let her panic. So after a long pause, he whispered. “I suppose he’s doing as well as could be expected.”

When Dean had hung up the phone he climbed back up the stairs to meet his Castiel. He entered the bedroom while debating whether he should tell him about Naomi, and ready to let him know that Charlie was coming, but when he reached the bed he saw that he was finally sleeping soundly. His heart warmed a little for the sight, and he was thankful beyond belief that he could be happy in sleep at least. He slipped into the bed next to him, and, being careful not to wake him, wrapped his arm over him, protecting him as best he could. 

 

*

 

Around an hour later, now well into the afternoon, there was a knock on the door and Dean slipped out of the bed, leaving Castiel still asleep upstairs as he opened the front door to the sight of his red-headed friend. They heaved the shopping bags in from her car and once inside he caught her in a hug. She clutched him back fiercely, releasing him so that they could put away the groceries when she realised how close to the edge he had become. 

When they had finished packing everything away in an almost awkward silence, she turned back to Dean and led him to the couch where they sat together. She took his hand in her own and he smiled up at her gratefully, because he needed her today, and as always she was there when he called. 

“How are you both holding up?” She asked quietly. 

Dean shook his head. It was one thing letting Naomi think he was ok, but Charlie would see straight through him if he tried to lie. “He’s not doing well.” He admitted reluctantly. “He’s asleep now, but it’s the first time he’s slept properly since… well. He’s refusing to eat, he’s barely talking to me, he’s not even crying, Charlie, I could deal with it if he was crying but I don’t know what to do.” He was struggling not to cry himself by the time his tongue stilled.

“It’s only been two days, Dean. People deal with grief in very different ways.” 

“I know.” Dean whispered, dropping his head into his hands. 

Charlie rubbed small circles into his back. She’d known that Evelyn was important to Dean too. She’d only met her the once, last Christmas, but she’d seen how much the older woman had cared about the two men and how much they loved her in return. She could only imagine how difficult they must both be finding it. “And how are you?” 

The corner of Dean’s mouth curled into a sad smile. “I’m managing.” 

“Are you?” She asked. 

“Don’t, Charlie. I know what you’re trying to do.” He sighed. “And I know you're just looking out for me. But if I let it get to me… I’ve got to stay strong for him.” 

 

*

 

Even though he was technically still her boss, Charlie didn’t hang around for long because she needed to get back to the shop, being the manager and all. She felt a bit like she was intruding, and knew they probably needed some time to themselves. She left with the explicit instructions to call if they needed anything at all, and Dean just smiled as he hugged her goodbye. He was feeling guilty for every moment he spent without Castiel. When she was gone, he made some coffee and bacon sandwiches, carrying them up to Castiel on a tray. The actor’s lips curled into a small smile when he woke to the smell, and to the sound of Dean placing the tray down on the end table next to him. 

“Sorry.” Dean said softly, coasting a hand quickly through Castiel’s dark hair. “I didn’t want to wake you, but I thought… you should eat.” 

Cas smiled and lifted the coffee, taking a sip. He was aware that Dean was only trying to help, and realistically, without him there, he’d just starve himself half to death. He’d have rotted in this bed all those years ago after Dean had left if his mother hadn’t force fed him. “It’s ok. Thank you.” He whispered. 

Dean climbed in next to him and demolished his sandwich, pleased that Castiel was biting into his own, even if he didn’t finish the whole thing. When they'd eaten, Cas turned to him, looking into his eyes as he leaned forward to capture his mouth in a passionate kiss which took Dean by surprise. They both needed a distraction, and Cas needed to feel something, _anything._ He just felt numb. 

The mechanic kissed back, a little hesitantly, but allowed Cas to take control as his tongue licked into his mouth and his hands grabbed at his lower back. He wasn’t sure if this was a great idea, but he wasn’t complaining either. He supposed Castiel might want to take his mind off of things. He became hard quickly, and he ground his hips against his lover’s, feeling the rush of pleasure the pressure released. Castiel gasped and kissed harder, letting his hands wandering down to tug at the button of Dean’s jeans, dragging them off down his legs. It was working, and his arousal was taking over. He was hard and he wanted this and it felt _good._ He was still wearing only his boxers, but they felt tight against his needy cock and he groaned every time Dean thrusted into him. 

“Dean.” Cas whispered quickly, pulling back and suddenly stopping their kiss. Dean froze, as if he’d thought this was a bad idea all along but hadn’t wanted to say it. “I feel out of control.” 

“Do you want to stop?” Dean asked hesitantly. He would stop if that’s what Cas wanted, no matter how much his cock was throbbing in protest. 

“No.”

“Then take control.” Dean responded with a light smile, staring into those blue glazed, aroused eyes. 

“No… I mean… I’ve always wanted to try…” He trailed off, embarrassed.  

“You want to try what?” Dean let the question hang, unsure if he was interpreting the actor correctly. Surely Castiel wasn’t suggesting what he thought he was, right? 

“Please.” Cas whispered. He pulled his boxers down and kicked them off, spreading his legs and guiding Dean’s hand between them. Dean eyed him carefully and he nodded as confirmation of his wishes, and even though he was sure this was a terrible idea given the circumstances, Dean teased a lubed finger at his hole and plunged in when Cas begged once again. He was loving the sight of the man squirming underneath him, but feeling entirely out of his comfort zone, unsure if this was going to end badly. He tried not to let his concerns show, because he was enjoying the challenge.

As a second finger fucked its way inside him, Cas groaned at the pressure, pushing back onto them and moaning as they coasted past his prostate. Dean was a quick learner, and he’d had a good teacher. Soon he was accepting four fingers easily, and Dean was scissoring him open, just as Castiel would do for him. Cas had begun to beg again, begging for more, and Dean slipped his own boxers down and lined his hard cock up at the opening, pushing inside at Castiel’s command. 

The actor winced as he was filled up and Dean bottomed out. It felt odd to him, and almost intrusive. It felt good in some ways, but it was painful too, and he was sure if it had been anyone other than Dean then he would have kicked them out by now. He’d always wanted to try this, but control had always been his thing in the bedroom. He'd never willingly given it up before. Dean thrusted in and out a few more times and he felt his ass adjusting to his size, and as he began to get more comfortable with it he shot Dean a reassuring smile, because even though his lover was balls deep in his ass he was still worrying about him. 

As Dean kept going, began to find a rhythm that suited, he started to get his angle right, started to hit his prostate and Cas found himself relaxing, because this did feel good (but perhaps it wouldn’t be their new thing). The mechanic pounded into him and he started to tingle everywhere and it felt really fucking nice but not quite nice enough to send him over the edge. He needed to be doing something with his dick too to get anywhere, and it was almost aching with how much it wanted some attention. 

It was feeling really strange to Dean, being inside someone again. He was so used now to being fucked that he had forgotten what it was like, the warm tightness surrounding his cock. This was something else, though. No girls he’d ever been with compared to this. It was tighter than he’d ever experienced, being inside Castiel, and he’d known instantly that he wasn’t going to last long enough, he had no hope. He thrusted a few more times while Castiel writhed beneath him, and shit he was getting really close, so before he could climax prematurely he leaned over onto one arm and took Castiel’s cock in his hand, firmly pumping to speed along his release. 

Minutes later his lover was all but wailing, and Cas groaned as he came in a steady stream over Dean’s hand, when his last thrust angled just right, hit his prostate perfectly and sent him over the edge. Dean tried to hold himself back but he had no chance when there was such a sight below him, and he failed miserably as he collapsed down, filling Castiel inside while his dick spasmed. 

Cas panted, sweaty and covered in come. His cock twitched post release and he could feel Dean’s lips in a smile on his shoulder. His own mouth was curled up too, content and happy while he caught his breath. His mind, because it hated the thought that he could feel alright even for a second, reminded him of the last time they’d had sex in this bed and he felt his own smile fade quickly. And then, like a kick in the face, his temporary happiness was demolished entirely by the memories of the last few days.


	30. Grief

Three more days passed in repetition. Castiel stayed in bed, leaving only to use the bathroom. He refused point blank to leave the house or the room, he barely ate, and Dean was left concerned and scared, feeling alone. His phone vibrated frequently with messages from Naomi, but he chose to ignore her, favouring to spend his time cleaning and fixing things in the house while Castiel stayed in bed. He spent a fair bit of time lying up there with him, but he wasn’t ever feeling talkative. He wished he’d cry, he wished he’d eat, he wished he’d sleep longer than an hour at a time. 

On the fifth day since their arrival in Kansas, exactly one week after Evelyn’s death, Dean had snapped, because it was breaking him, seeing Cas like this, especially when he felt so low himself, too.

“Cas you can’t give up, you need to get out of this bed.” He had insisted. “Come on baby, please. I’m worried about you.” 

“Stop telling me what I need to do.” Castiel complained. “I’m fine. You just don’t understand.” 

“My mom’s dead too, you know.” Dean said, and there was anger in his tone. “I do know what you’re going through.” 

Cas blushed a little. Maybe Dean was right, and he was being petulant, but his insensitivity had pissed him off and it was easier to be irate than admit that. “That’s hardly the same. You were too young to understand.” 

“I’ve also lost my father…” Dean reminded him, although he knew what Castiel’s response would be and he was just goading him. 

“Who was a total asshole.” Cas snapped as expected.

“…And I’ve lost Bobby, and I’ve lost your mother too.” Dean yelled as he left the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. 

He hadn’t meant to yell. Truly, he hadn’t. He knew that Castiel was going through something awful, and he wanted more than anything just to be there for him. But he had no idea how to be there for him when he’d built up a brick wall around his heart. He was hurting, he knew. But Dean was hurting too. Hurting a lot, and he’d hoped that they could do this together, because he wasn’t going to get out of this slump without Cas by his side, but Cas was in way deeper than he was. Way, way deeper. And he didn’t know how to pull him out. 

Dean paused a while to mull over his options, while he sipped some scotch and tried to calm down.  He thought about going back upstairs and apologising, but honestly, he wasn’t sure he was enough. It felt like he’d had half his heart carved out, like there was just this empty space inside of him. And maybe Castiel was right, maybe he didn’t understand, maybe he had been too young when his own mother had died to appreciate what the actor was going through, but he had no idea how to fix it either. Considering how bad they both were at talking about their feelings… maybe when feelings were the problem he needed help. 

So a little while later, after a few more drinks and a pep talk to himself when he was breathing steadily again, he called Charlie, who asked him how he was. He didn’t have any strength left to lie. She offered to come over, and try to speak to Castiel, and Dean just sighed, and asked her what she thought was best, because apparently he didn’t know any more. 

“Dean I’m not saying it needs to be me but you need to get him some help. Call his manager, she’ll know what to do, she’ll have known him the longest out of everyone who isn’t you.” She insisted. 

When the call ended, Dean reluctantly dialled Naomi’s number. 

“Dean, how is he?” She asked as she answered. 

Dean tried to hold in his sobs, but his voice cracked all the same. “I need help.” He admitted. “I can’t… he won’t get out of bed, he’s not eating, he’s barely sleeping, he’s not crying. He won’t even talk to me.” 

“Where are you? I’ll be there as soon as I can.” She assured him as she took the address and hung up the phone. 

He’d made the decision now, that in the meantime he would apologise. He’d planned it all out in his head, the little speech, exactly where he’d kiss on his cheek. But when he returned up to bed, and saw Castiel sleeping, his tears started to fall without permission. He slipped into the bed, wrapped his arm around the movie star, and smiled through the pain when Cas let out a happy little sigh. 

 

*

 

A little over five hours later came a knock at the door, which Dean pulled quickly open to reveal a concerned faced Naomi looking up at him, her brown hair tied back as usual behind her head. Dean stepped back to allow her inside, but he couldn’t even bring himself to meet her gaze, so instead he looked at the floor. He’d never felt more of a failure than at that moment. All he could think was that he was letting Cas down by not knowing how to be there for him. Naomi seemed to pick up on his insecurity, and placed a hand reassuringly on his arm, so he looked up at her, wordlessly grateful. 

“It’s ok to need help.” She said quietly, and Dean just nodded and looked away before he could cry. Instead, he gestured upstairs and she took the hint, climbing the flight quickly to Castiel’s bedroom. 

Once inside, she perched at the bottom of the bed, wrinkling her nose at the stale air. They hadn’t even opened a window in days. She looked around for a while, taking in the sight of the room he had grown up in, finding it altogether strangely fitting, before she let her eyes linger on his shape in the bed. Castiel was staring at her, almost without surprise, expression irate. 

“Dean called you.” He stated, and she just shrugged. 

“He’s worried about you. He loves you.”

Cas rolled his eyes and turned onto his side, facing away from her. 

“And you love him. You need to carry on, Castiel.” She complained, reaching an arm out to his shoulder so that he’d look back at her. “I’m not saying you need to go back to work yet, but…” 

“No one understands.” Castiel snapped. 

“Don’t they? You’re not the only one who’s lost their mother, Castiel.” Naomi responded irritably. Castiel turned his head, meeting her gaze with a question behind his eyes. “My mother died last year.” She informed him. 

“You never told me.” He said quietly, feeling suddenly embarrassed. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…” 

“No, you shouldn’t have.” She said firmly, and a pinkness tinged Castiel’s cheeks while he let the guilt wash over him. “You’re not the only one who likes their privacy.” 

They remained silent for a while longer while Castiel tried to sort through his pain. “When does it stop hurting?” He asked quietly, looking up to meet her grey eyes . 

“It doesn’t.” Naomi sighed, rubbing her face with her hands. “You just learn to live with it.” 

Castiel took a deep breath, and pulled himself up so he was sitting, leaning his back against the headboard. How the hell was he supposed to get through this? How had she gotten through it? 

“But you won’t learn to live with it if you give up on living.” Naomi turned back to him. “Dean is just trying to help you. But because he loves you he’s not willing to tell you what you need to hear. You need to eat, you need to sleep, and you need to get out of bed. You need to see people, to live, Castiel. And that’s the only way this will get any easier.” 

And with that, Castiel began to cry. He brought his knees up and folded his arms across his chest, sobbing quietly. Between sobs, he asked her to get Dean, and she called him in, his expression a mixture of concern and relief as he took in the sight of his best friend, curled into a ball and crying freely. Dean sat himself next to him and threw his arm around his shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry.” Cas whispered. 

“It’s ok.” Dean replied soothingly. He kissed the top of Castiel’s head. 

“It’s just… I don’t know how to carry on.” 

“We’ll help you.” Naomi said quietly, and Dean nodded.

“Thank you.” Cas broke down in another wave of sobs and Dean felt himself welling up. 

“Dean.” Naomi mumbled, and he looked up to meet her eyes. “You need to let go too.” 

As Dean nodded he buried his face into Castiel’s hair, allowing his pain to wash over him and his tears to fall. The three of them sat in a still silence for some time longer. 

“I’m sorry for being such an ass.” Cas whispered when he eventually pulled away. He turned to Dean. “Dean, I know she meant a lot to you too. I’m sorry that I’ve been so insensitive. And I know I can be better… I just… I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t realise _how_ hard. Thank you for looking after me.” 

Dean smiled genuinely. “You know I love you.” 

Castiel nodded. “I love you too.” 

 

*

 

Later that evening, after Naomi had left with the assurance that she’d be staying nearby in case they needed her, Castiel found himself downstairs on the old, squashy brown couch, forcing himself to eat the ham sandwich Dean had laid in front of him. The knock at the door came shortly after, and in came Sam and Charlie, who they had agreed should visit in an attempt to ease Castiel back into a sort of reality. As their guests entered the room, Cas smiled warmly up at them, and they grinned back at him, Dean beaming at the exchange. 

Taking a seat next to Castiel, Dean placed his hand protectively on his lower back, a subconscious move he hadn’t realised he’d taken until Cas shot him a smile and shuffled closer. Sam and Charlie took the couch to their right, and for a while they chatted idly, discussing Bobby’s shop, the wellbeing of their mutual acquaintances, what time Jess would be joining them (she was currently working), and how married life was treating Sam. Castiel already seemed in much better spirits, and he was grateful for the distraction. 

“Did you tell them about Lisa?” He asked, turning to Dean abruptly. 

Dean’s eyes widened at the memory. “I forgot all about that!” He said, surprised. He turned back to Sam and Charlie. “When we were in London, just before the premiere actually, Charlie, we bumped into Matt and Lisa on the frigging London Eye.” 

“Seriously?” Charlie asked, astonished. “Small world.” 

“I remember him saying they were going. They got engaged out there - but I didn’t actually put two and two together and realise you were there at the same time… what are the chances!” Sam exclaimed. 

“What _are_ the chances?” Dean repeated, because he was still suspicious that she’d known they would be there. 

“What did she say? Did she apologise?” Charlie added. 

“She was a stuck up bitch.” Castiel muttered bitterly. 

Dean shot him an exasperated look. “She wasn’t all bad, Cas.” He insisted. “I mean, we weren't exactly honest with her either. Or I wasn’t, at least. And she was right, she _did_ do us a favour by ratting you out, eventually anyway.” 

“I still don’t like her.” Cas whined. 

Charlie and Sam exchanged a smirk. 

“I don’t like her much either, to be honest.” Charlie said suddenly, and Cas gestured towards her, thankful he wasn’t alone. 

“Really?” Dean asked, amazed. He’d never realised that his friend was so disapproving. A look at Sam told him his brother hadn’t been keen, either. 

“I dunno, I always figured you could do better. I mean, you might be a total nerd on the inside but you’re pretty hot, and you’re super nice. She’s kinda false.” She shrugged.

Castiel nodded, smirking at Dean. “Exactly.” He muttered, and Dean nudged him in the ribs for the comment.

“But anyway, tell us what happened.” Charlie insisted.

“She told me I was acting like a child for not wanting to talk to her.” Castiel complained.

“In her defence, you were acting like a child.” It was Dean’s turn to smirk. “He stood there glaring at her and refused to talk, until she said that and he went off on one.” 

“I’m not sure how I was supposed to react… the last time I’d seen her she’d just given away my location to the press, and the time before that she’d kicked you out of bed at Sam’s wedding just because we’d made up.” 

“You were trying to steal her boyfriend though, Cas.” Charlie winked. 

Castiel laughed, joke shrugging. “Well, there is that. But I still like to think he was mine first.” 

Dean grinned and dipped his lips to Castiel’s for a quick kiss. “Definitely yours first.” He turned back to the others. “But anyway, I stopped them from yelling at each other and told her the truth, that I’d never been honest with myself but it had always been Cas.” 

“Anyone who knew you before knew it had always been, and would always be Cas.” Sam shrugged. 

Castiel beamed, and Dean watched his features contort in genuine happiness, pleased to see the change from that morning. He was willing to put up with the teasing if it meant Cas could have some enjoyment at last. “Were you a mess without me?” Cas smiled, looking into Dean’s eyes. 

“He was a diabolical mess.” Sam insisted, to which Castiel laughed again. 

Dean blushed a bright pink, and began muttering in disagreement. It was a fairly accurate statement, actually. Without Castiel in it, his life had been hardly worth living. “Whatever, you never knew that was why we fell out.” 

“Well no, but it had always been obvious that you wanted each other.” Sam winked, raising his eyebrows suggestively and earning a burst of laughter from the actor. 

“I met him after you’d got famous, so I just thought he was meant to be that way.” Charlie grinned while Dean glared at his brother, skin still a shade similar to a strawberry. “But since he’s been with you, he’s been pretty cool I guess. Plus, I’m glad you’re our friend now, people think I’m so much cooler for being pals with an A-lister. My Insta has blown up. More or less just ‘cause there are so many with you two and with other celebrities. I had like ten thousand likes on that picture of me kissing Alayna at the premiere.” 

Cas snaked his arm around Dean’s shoulder, smile still firmly on his face. “I forgot I lost that bet.” He commented. “You’re pretty cool too, Charlie.” He chuckled. 

Sam retreated momentarily to the kitchen, returning with beers for the four of them. He checked his watch once he’d taken a swig and settled the bottle down. “Jess should be here soon.” He smiled. 

Dean thought about teasing him for his sappiness, smiling at the thought of his wife coming home from work, but thought better of it, realising he’d end up on the receiving end of much worse torment. His love for Castiel left him vulnerable to teasing. 

When Jess arrived a little later, she wrapped Castiel in a tight hug, conveying without words her sympathy and support. He held her closely, grateful for the words left unspoken. She squeezed him tighter for a few seconds before letting go. “I brought wine.” She grinned when they broke apart, recalling the nights she spent eleven years ago comforting her friend over Dean. Castiel seemed to remember too, a new sorrow behind his eyes as he met hers. Grabbing her with one arm around the waist, Dean pressed a kiss to Jess’s cheek in greeting and she smiled at her brother-in-law as he released her.

Sam took the bottles from his wife with a kiss and entered the kitchen, pouring out glasses with which to replace their empty beer bottles and handing them out to the group. They laughed and chatted for a while longer. 

 

*

 

An hour or so later, Castiel had excused himself to the bathroom, and Dean had found himself watching the clock, anxious for his return. After ten minutes had passed, when there was still no sign of him, Dean climbed the stairs to check the bathroom, finding it empty. 

Panic mode set in as he found Castiel’s bed made and unoccupied. He checked quickly all of the rooms upstairs, wishing he’d had a glass or two less of the wine (his head was fuzzy and it was hard to concentrate on anything but his anxiety), but there was no sign of Cas. He tore back down the stairs, praying he’d just missed him, but Castiel was not in the house. Without speaking to any of the others, who were watching him with confusion and alarm, he sped out of the front door, calling out Castiel’s name louder than he probably should have given the time of night and the fact that they were there in secret. 

“Dean?” Came a response. Dean followed the sound, blundering noisily into the back yard where Castiel was sat in the grass, eyeing him with a questioning look. The encounter reminded him of the last time he’d stumbled into this yard late at night, and for a moment he was eighteen again, and pining for the man he’d lost. His circumstances were entirely dissimilar, and yet the pain was the same. He’d lost someone so important. He all but fell into Cas, tumbling onto the ground and throwing his arms around his partner. Castiel chuckled as he gripped onto Dean’s back, meeting his eyes with a smile when Dean relaxed back. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” Cas whispered, bringing a hand up to Dean’s cheek. “I just needed a little space.” 

“Yeah… I get it.” Dean mumbled. “I was just worried.” 

“I know.” Castiel whispered, and there were tears in his eyes. 

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” Dean asked quietly. 

“No.” Cas smiled, slipping his hand from Dean’s face and entwining their fingers. “Stay with me.” 

Dean kissed his cheek before they turned, lying on their backs and looking up at the stars. “Always.” 

 

*

 

When Dean rose the following morning, it was to the smell of fresh coffee. Sam, Jess, and Charlie had all stayed overnight, and he could hear their chattering echoing up through the floorboards. He went downstairs as Castiel showered, and as he approached their three guests the talking stopped, and their heads all turned to look at him anxiously. 

Dean stopped in his tracks. “Is there something on my face?” He asked lightheartedly.

Sam and Charlie exchanged a nervous glance, and their eyes settled on Jess, who sighed and turned towards him. “We found something.” She said quietly. “Last night, when we went to bed.” She held out her hand, clutching an envelope. “This letter… it’s addressed to Cas. I think his mom must have left it for him, it was on her bed.” 

“Fuck.” Dean muttered, taking the envelope from her hands and staring at it. Sure enough, it was Evelyn’s hand writing on the front. He’d have recognised the elaborate calligraphy anywhere. He turned the paper several times, wondering what to do, but he didn’t have to mull it over for long.

“Morning.” Castiel smiled as he entered the room. He looked happier than Dean had seen him for weeks, and oh god it was all about to shatter again. His expression darkened immediately at the sight of the four anxious faces looking back at him, and his eyes settled on Dean’s. Dean bit his lip and walked gently towards him, holding out the envelope in his hand which immediately took Castiel’s attention. Cas’s eyes darted briefly back up to Dean’s as he reached out for the letter, and as he took it, Dean heard his heavy breathing and could see the pain behind his eyes. Castiel turned and strode from the room. 

 

*

 

Minutes that felt like hours passed while Dean paced the room and the other three sat in an awkward silence along the couch. When Castiel returned, it was abruptly. He walked confidently up to Sam, and although he was barely clinging on to his self control, he held out a folded sheet of paper and a pen. 

“Sign here, please.” He demanded. 

Sam looked up at him in alarm, the lawyer in him screaming out not to sign something without full knowledge of what he was agreeing to. He shook his head in confusion. “What?” He asked. 

“Please, Sam, sign here.” Castiel’s voice was starting to crack. 

Sam looked past the actor and met his brother’s eye. Dean nodded, looking just as confused, but Sam sighed and took the paper, scrawling his signature in the indicated boxes. When he’d handed them back to Cas, he watched in disbelief as he stormed out of the room, stuffing the newly signed form back inside an envelope and exiting the building. 

The four of them paused for a long moment, processing. Dean was the first to react. He turned, following Castiel out of the house and walking quickly after him, watching as Castiel pushed the envelope into the mailbox at the end of the street, and leaned heavily onto it. Dean caught him in his arms just before he could collapse onto his knees, taking his weight i and sinking to the ground with him as he broke down, choking on his sobs. As Dean looked back towards the house, he could see Sam, Jess, and Charlie all watching from the front yard, confusion, alarm, and sadness written in their features. Cas’s hand stuck out suddenly, still gripping the letter, and taking it as an invitation, Dean took it and began to read. 

 

_My darling Castiel,_

_If you are reading this, it means that I am gone, and that you are either being handed this after clearing out the house, or you have, like I imagined you might, come home to hide away like you did once before._

_I know that you will find it tempting to give up. I know that you will not want to carry on, and that you will think you can’t. You can, you must, and you will. I do not want you to give up, darling, because you have so much more to offer this world._

_You need to know that I love you beyond measure, and that I have always been, and will always be, so very proud of you. You need to know that I am happy, that I am at peace, and that you couldn’t have done any more._

_I am so glad that you have Dean back, and I know he will do whatever it takes to get you through this because I know that he’s always loved you, and I love him as I love you._

_I do_ **_not_ ** _want you to give up._

_I will always love you._

_Goodbye,_

_Mom_

_P.S. I think you will agree with me that you have as much need for this house as I do. A home such as this deserves a family to take care of it. So I hope you will understand why I have not left it to you in my will, but to Sam and Jessica, who have been there for you through everything. I have signed the transfer papers as attached, he just needs to sign the deeds._

 

Dean clutched Castiel’s head into his chest, pressing kisses into his hair, and held him until he stilled. The pain had returned at full force, reading these last words, but he hoped it might offer Cas some closure at least. When Castiel eventually lifted his head and met his gaze, he nodded once. “We have to go back, don’t we?”

As they walked slowly back to the house, Castiel found himself calming down, and accepting a wave of inner peace. Maybe he could do this, with Dean at his side. The mechanic’s arm was around his shoulder in support, and he slipped his own around his waist, shooting a small smile up at him. Sam eyed them curiously as they reached the property, but he was polite enough not to ask his burning question. 

“My mother has left this house to you.” Cas said quietly as they reached them. “You just signed the deeds.” 

Sam and Jess were left speechless and their mouths both hung slightly open, very aware that the house behind them was something they would never have been able to afford. 

Cas smiled at their shock. “You deserve it.” 

Dean pressed a kiss into Castiel’s cheek before turning to Charlie. “You can keep my apartment, too, if you want it. It’s not much but it _is_ paid for. I’ll send over the forms when I’ve sorted it out.” 

“You don’t have to do this.” Charlie said quietly.

“I don’t need the place any more.” Dean shrugged, and Castiel smiled at him, squeezing his arm against his waist. 

“You’re going back, aren’t you?” Charlie asked. 

Castiel nodded. “Naomi is on her way to collect us.” He whispered. 

“I don’t know what to say.” Jess said finally. 

“You don’t need to say anything.” Cas smiled. “Just enjoy it.” 

While Castiel went back inside to grab the few belongings they’d brought on their impromptu trip and have a last look around at the place as it was, Dean remained outside, standing on the driveway with one hand on the Impala, staring over at his old house. He stood for so many minutes in a silent trance that when Sam approached him and placed a gentle, large hand on his shoulder he jumped. 

“It’s weird being back here, isn’t it?” Sam said quietly when Dean turned to face him. 

“So weird.” Dean agreed, nodding his head. He pointed down at the Impala. “This is dad’s old car, the same one.” 

Sam raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Cas got it for you?” 

“He got it years ago, kept it in case we ever made up.” 

“Wow.” Sam whispered. “He really has always loved you.” 

Dean smiled coyly, a blush tinging his cheeks. He shrugged, saved from any further embarrassment by the arrival of their car, this time an Aston Martin, from which Naomi emerged, smiling genuinely toward him as she stood next to the open door. 

“This is our ride.” Dean acknowledged. He took a step back inside the house momentarily and called up to Castiel, who came trailing down the stairs moments later with Dean’s duffle slung over his shoulder. The two women stepped back out as they all said their goodbyes with heartfelt hugs, making promises to visit each other soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote these chapters after a bereavement of my own late last year, and I hope I haven't upset anyone but apologies if I have. I tried not to go too much into detail with the feelings for that reason because it really does suck and I don't want to make it worse for anyone, but it all felt quite close to my heart for a while. 
> 
> So we are finally in the home stretch here, still probably another 20k words to post or so, but some lovely fluffy chapters coming up (I promise!). I think I've got most of the pain out of the way now... most of it. Lol i'm so sorry. 
> 
> I'm also already 50k in on a prequel, thank you Me23 in the comments for the idea that my brain went wild with. (The whole thing is basically just smut though for some reason, teenagers are super horny, right?). So watch this space - I'll probably publish that when this is finished, cause I can't be dealing with two at once and it's nowhere near finished and I have a lot of touching up to do on it yet, but I'm enjoying myself anyway. 
> 
> I also just want to let out a little squeal of excitement about the canon, because fucking hell, I love you, seriously? As always, thank you for the responses, and hope you're enjoying!


	31. Journey's End

It probably should feel easy now, after two eleven hour flights, to board a plane knowing it was only going to take three hours to get back to LA. Yet still, Dean found himself nervous as he buckled himself in to his seat. This time, Cas took the window seat, and he was staring out of it until the plane was about to take off. As the engine roared to life, he fumbled for Dean’s hand, giving it a knowing squeeze as he read the nerves in his expression that he was trying so hard to hide. 

Not long after they’d reached their maximum altitude, Castiel had reclined his chair back and had fallen asleep, and as Dean adjusted his own seat to join him, he was reminded of their first flight together from Kansas. It was only months before, but it could have been years. His world had turned completely upside down since that day, yet a part of him had known when he agreed to go that things would never be the same again. He hadn’t wanted them ever to be the same again. His arm found its way around the sleeping man and Cas hummed in sleep, scooting automatically closer. 

“Thank you for looking after him.” Naomi said quietly, before Dean could fall asleep himself. 

He cast his eyes over to her. “Thanks for coming.” He smiled, truly grateful for her help. “I’m sorry he didn’t want to tell you.” 

“It all makes sense now.” She shrugged. “I have a feeling that he wouldn’t have got through this without you.” 

“I’m not sure he’d have got through it without you either.” Dean whispered, rubbing his eyes. “He’s still gunna need some time.” 

“He can take as much as he needs.” She assured him and paused while they both looked over at the actor. “You’re doing well, with the flight. You’re getting better at it.” 

Dean huffed a nervous laugh. “I still hate it.” He admitted. He wasn’t sure that being in the air would ever come easy for him. _Not after… no. Don’t think about it_. “But yeah, I’m getting a bit better. I don’t have a lot of choice, I guess.”

“Has he told you he’s been turning down roles that are further afield, so you don’t have to travel far? There was a King Kong reboot they were shooting mostly in Hawaii, but it also involved a trip to Australia.” Naomi stated. 

“He has?” Dean was surprised, and annoyed at himself for not seeing that as a possibility. He needed to get himself together. Maybe he _should_ see a therapist.

Naomi nodded. “Apart from the obvious, but there was no way I’d have let him turn down Star Wars. I know you had a bad experience of some sort when you were younger, but it would probably be better in the long run for you to fly more often, you may get used to it.” 

Dean paused in thought, and while he was contemplating the plane trembled a little with turbulence. His eyes slammed shut, fingers flexing into the cushion of the chair. Naomi seemed to notice his sudden distress. 

“Do you want to try sleeping?” She asked. 

“I don’t think I can right now. Can you just keep talking? About anything?” Dean replied, steadying his voice. He was grateful for her presence, this was easier to do in company.

“Ok…” Naomi said hesitantly, racking her brains for a topic. “I still feel like there’s a lot I don’t know about you. You had a girlfriend before, didn’t you? Was it serious?” 

“With Lisa?” Dean almost laughed. His arm tightened automatically around Castiel as if even her name was a threat. “Uh, I guess it was. We were together for five years. I nearly asked her to marry me.” 

Naomi quirked her eyebrow up in surprise. “Really?” She asked. “What stopped you?” 

“Cas.” Dean sighed and ran his free hand up through his hair. “I think Lisa was what I thought I should want.” He admitted. “I was attracted to her, and I thought I loved her but I think really I loved the idea of her. We met a year before my dad died and he liked her, and I guess at that point a part of me still wanted his approval.” 

“And it was different with Castiel?” 

“It’s always been different with him.” A small smile had crept across Dean’s lips as he’d stared down at the man in his arms. “My dad never liked Cas, for a start. I think he knew what he wanted. I knew probably thirteen years ago that I loved him but I’ve lied to myself ever since, told myself I was over it, that it was a phase. But really, I’ve always wanted this.”

As Naomi watched him staring down happily at the man he loved, she felt a sudden wave of remorse for not having found anyone herself. She’d hardly put the time in. She’d always been so focused on her career that her chance had come and gone, and here she was, middle-aged, alone but successful. Success wasn’t everything, she realised. She would have spoken again, tried to keep Dean’s mind off of the flight, but when she looked back over, his chin was resting on the top of Castiel’s head and his eyes had flicked closed. She found with surprise that she was actually quite fond of the elder Winchester. 

 

*

 

The journey home had gone smoothly, and Dean had felt quite proud of the way he’d handled the flight. Cas had shot him a grateful look as they’d exited the plane, and now they were making their way through the Los Angeles streets back to the house in an amply sized, black Mercedes that comfortably seated all five of their party in the two back seats. It reminded Dean of the funeral car he’d ridden in, following a hearse to his father’s cremation, and seemed an unsightly reminder of the funeral they had to attend the following week. Cas stared uncomfortably at the floor from his spot between Dean and Naomi, whose brow was furrowed anxiously. Dean had tried to catch her eye on several occasions, wishing he could read her, or had her ability to preempt situations. 

As they drew close to the house, the car began to slow unexpectedly, and upon seeing her turn to look at him in her peripheral, Dean exchanged a confused glance with Naomi, whose anxious expression had now turned into one of dread. Cas continued to watch the carpeted floor, flinching slightly when Dean’s hand reached for his lower back protectively. 

The car slowed almost to a stop, and as he leaned into the window to try and see, Dean caught sight of news vans, reporters, cameras and microphones, and groaned inwardly. It was all starting to make sense. He looked over at Naomi who was asking silently for confirmation of her guess, unable to see from the opposite side of the car, and nodded once. She bit her lip in response, taking a deep but quiet breath, trying not to let Castiel catch wind of her concern. 

He should have seen this coming. He should have realised that Castiel cancelling everything he had booked and disappearing for days would lead to questions. No one had found out about Evelyn’s condition, so they wouldn’t have guessed correctly, wouldn’t have known he needed privacy. He suspected Naomi would be feeling particularly frustrated. They probably would have been able to avoid this if they’d been honest with her earlier.

From the seat in front of them, Kevin and Crowley were muttering between themselves, and turned back to glance at Naomi who nodded quickly, before they opened the doors and climbed out of the car, breaking up the crowd to allow them through. Their progress remained slow, and Dean felt as though they were rolling over egg shells, that Castiel might just break if he looked up or anyone spoke. He was just grateful that the car’s windows were blacked out, that no one could see in. 

Just before they reached the gate to the driveway, they stopped moving. Kevin and Crowley were working quickly, but had come across a few stubborn reporters who seemed willing to do anything for the scoop. They seemed to have been there the longest, their positions near the gate were the closest to the house. 

Tapping his foot impatiently, Dean rubbed his face with the ball of his free hand, the thumb of his other gently stroking Castiel’s back. They were stopped for a few minutes, and it felt like a year. Dean’s heart pounded anxiously, and his breaths were purposeful, calculated, as he tried desperately not to alarm his partner. After a few more moments of no movement, Cas suddenly began to shake violently at his side, and as Dean reached out to pull him into a hug he realised he’d been crying for some time. 

Naomi watched them sadly while the car finally started to move again, jerking forward into drive as the car’s gear changed. Dean felt entirely helpless. He wanted nothing more than to make Cas’s pain disappear, to make him feel happy and whole. After everything they’d been through, they deserved some peace. Just thinking about their last year, ordeal after ordeal, left him angry. The gates creaked slowly open and before long they were through and free of the reporters that were plaguing them, but Dean knew that they wouldn’t go away just because they were ignored.

Castiel pulled himself up when the gates clanged closed, hastily wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve and taking a deep, steadying breath. The plan formed in Dean’s mind as he watched, and when his gaze darted up to Naomi, she was staring back at him with a new confidence in her expression. Dean’s hand lifted, resting on the door handle, and she nodded once as her permission. 

Without a second thought, Dean climbed out of the car, suddenly grateful that he’d changed out of his sweatpants that morning as he pulled down on his black t-shirt to straighten it out over his slim fitting jeans. He swallowed and took a deep breath, wondering how many more impromptu press addresses he’d have to do to defend Cas over the course of his life. His mind slowly recited the words he needed to get out, and he turned, walking slowly back down the driveway, to the now humming throng of the media who were pointing and staring in his direction. 

Stopping a few feet back from the gate, Dean looked on at the horde of people pressing against the iron bars, reaching their microphones and cameras out to him. He was momentarily blinded and deafened. People were shouting out questions, calling his name. He could hear calls of ‘did you elope?’, ‘where have you been?’ and cameras were flashing from every direction. He stood still, waiting patiently for the chatter to die down before he spoke, the bright camera flashes burned into his vision. 

“Hi.” Dean started, voice shaking. He still didn’t have the knack of addressing a large crowd, he frequently stumbled over his words. Some of the reporters who were closest were wearing confused expressions, their position giving them an advantage, able to read his look, which was betraying his raw emotion. “As you know, Cas… Castiel-” He was careful to use his full name, Naomi insisted it was an important part of his image. “-has taken some time away over the last week.” 

Dean had to take a deep breath and look up at the sky to continue. His eyes had welled with forbidden tears. He swallowed. 

“I regret to announce that his mother… Evelyn… that she died last week. She had been battling breast cancer…” He trailed off, and swatted away a rogue tear with his fingertips. The crowd before him had grown silent, almost guilty, genuinely sympathetic expressions adorning most of the faces he could see. “He… uhm. We ask for your privacy at this time.” Dean finished, and with that turned and began to walk quickly back towards the house, hoping it wasn’t obvious how much of a state he’d got into. He wanted to stop somewhere and gather himself. He’d have preferred not to have Kevin, Crowley, Naomi, and the other staff to see him like this, tear-ridden and sniffing, but he knew Cas needed him, and it simply couldn’t wait. He wiped his eyes and nose with his sleeve as the front door was opened for him, and as he entered, he was met with sympathetic faces. Everyone was stood awkwardly, just inside, unsure of what to do or say. 

Castiel was stood closest to the door, gaze firmly on his feet, tears once again falling freely. Dean crossed to him magnetically, arms looping around his shoulders, fingers coursing through his dark hair as Cas buried his face into his neck. The staff watched on sadly while Dean held him close and pressed soft kisses to his cheek and his temple, breathing heavily and denying his own tears. They stood like that for some time, and the staff soon dispersed back to work, Naomi into another room, leaving them alone together. 

 

*

Later that evening, Dean was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth as he got ready for bed when he heard a familiar voice - his own - coming from the bedroom. As he spat out the toothpaste, he furrowed his brow in confusion. Cas was in bed already, was probably watching videos of him online, but Dean didn’t know why he’d want to. He rinsed his mouth under the faucet and wiped it with a towel, trying to rub away the strain of the day. 

When he stepped back out into the bedroom, it was with apprehension. Cas’s mood was variable, crying one minute and smiling the next. Tonight he was smiling. He was looking happily down at his iPad with a genuine smile, which brightened even more when he glanced up at Dean. Dean eyed him with a silent question as he climbed into the bed and settled under the covers, scooting close to Cas so he could see what he was looking at. 

On the screen, Dean watched himself, looking cooly confident as he was speaking. “From the moment I saw Castiel again I knew that I was screwed and that I still wanted him.” He had said in an interview months ago. He hadn’t felt as confident as he had looked. “I think a part of me has always been in love with him.” 

Dean smiled as he thought back to the beginning of their public relationship, and when he looked at Cas, he paused the video and beamed back at him. “I put your name into youtube.” He explained. “I have a lot to be grateful for, but you really are something else. Someone has made this video of us, of the things we’ve done together.” 

Not knowing quite what to say, Dean leant forward and kissed him slowly on the lips, trying to convey his deep love, his admiration and his need. Cas pulled away a few moments later, pressing their foreheads together. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He whispered. 

“I love you.” Dean said quietly, revelling in the warmth of their hug, of the feel of Castiel’s minty, cool breath against his lips. 

“I love you too.” Cas smiled softly. “I’d show you how much, but I’m not sure I can right now.” He laughed. 

Dean snorted. “I’m sure I could help you out with that if you wanted.” He teased. “But I’ve got a pretty good idea.” 

“Another time.” Cas agreed. He dipped his lips back to Dean’s once again, grazing them softly against his own before peeling away to switch off the light. Dean pulled them back together as he settled back down in the darkness, both of them succumbing together in sleep before long.


	32. Remedy

It was two more weeks before anything changed. They’d slid into this easy, gentle, domestic routine of just being together in the house. Showering, eating, lazing, sleeping. Dean would wrap his arms around Castiel at night, and they’d wake up in the same position hours later. Evelyn’s funeral had taken place the week before, a small, private affair that had run blissfully smoothly. Sam, Jess, and Charlie had flown in for the occasion to support Cas, but had left early the following day. Cas was still traumatised by the image of the coffin being lowered into the ground by four men he didn’t know. Of the white rose he dropped on top of the mahogany wood, of the headstone leant against the pile of dirt, waiting to be placed on the grave. He could still see it all when he closed his eyes, and the images still followed him into sleep. 

Dean knew as soon as he awoke that morning that something was different. He rubbed his eye with his hand and realised that Castiel’s arm was around him, not vice versa as usual. He opened his eyes slowly, cautiously, but smiled in relief when Castiel smiled back at him happily. He looked calm, more at peace than he had in some time. Dean hummed as Cas stroked his hand through his hair. Cas loved him the most in the mornings, when he looked up at him with lovingly tired eyes, completely vulnerable and open. He smiled at the feeling of Dean’s morning wood pressed against his thigh, and his fingers grazed his cheek as he dipped his head lower to place a soft kiss on his lips. 

An accidental groan escaped from Dean as Cas kissed him, and his cheeks immediately turned pink in embarrassment. They hadn’t had sex since the time in Evelyn’s house, and while he was trying to respect Castiel’s boundaries, he’d gotten a bit wound up, being used to fucking a lot more frequently, denying himself any sort of release in case Cas suddenly wanted it. He was so in love, it was difficult to be around Cas for extended periods without naturally wanting to tear his clothes off. This was his first slip up, and as he opened his eyes wearing a guilty expression, he expected Cas to be backing away or to be mad at him, but instead, Cas was grinning, a laugh on his lips. 

When Castiel squeezed Dean’s ass, his heart swelled with hope. Hope that Cas had found his way back to his old self. He seemed a little nervous as he leant slowly back in for another kiss, but Cas soon began to melt into it, and as Dean licked at his lips he opened his mouth, and their tongues began to explore each other once again. Dean was hesitant, kissing Cas expertly for longer than they usually would before allowing his hand to trail down his chest and skirt across his lower abdomen. When his fingers reached the elastic of Castiel’s tight boxers, Dean pulled back suddenly to search his eyes. He could see the nervousness plainly, but clearly beneath was the arousal and desire he felt himself. Cas nodded once before Dean reconnected their kiss. 

The elastic squeaked as Dean pushed it down Cas’s legs, exposing him under the covers. Cas was breathing heavily as Dean pressed on his chest and turned him onto his back, and he imagined it was from a combination of the mixed emotions he was feeling. With a gentle fingertip, Dean stroked his way down Cas’s abdomen, and circled his finger around the base of his half hard cock, which twitched at the touch. Dean’s own erection was raging in his boxers, but he ignored it as he trailed his hand along Castiel’s length, climbing over a leg and kneeling over him. He pressed and squeezed and Cas whimpered underneath him, his cock hardening slowly. 

Impatiently, Dean lowered himself down and hovered his mouth close to the head of Castiel’s cock. He glanced up cautiously, checking on his lover, and Cas was staring at him with lust blown eyes, wanting to beg him but not having the courage. Dean darted his tongue out and licked at the slit slowly, lips morphing into a circle as they encompassed the head, his tongue continuing to lap, lick and swirl around it. As he took more of him into his mouth, Cas hardened fully, safe and secure within the warmth. Cas continued to watch as Dean expertly dragged back up, his teeth just grazing against the skin and teasing him wildly. 

Dean was wound more tightly than he’d thought. From where he was positioned over Cas’s leg, his own erection was pressing gently against his shin, the small amount of friction pleasant but not enough. He felt as though he might burst, but he continued his assault on Castiel, plunging back down over him again and feeling his lover writhe under him as he watched, their eyes connected under Dean’s lashes. 

Groaning, Cas struggled to keep still. As Dean’s lips and teeth worked his length, up, down, up, down, his hips began to thrust upwards without permission. He felt as Dean moaned against him, the vibrations against his needy cock tantalising. Dean’s erection lay hard against his shin and he pressed it upwards, providing more friction and Dean gasped, almost losing his rhythm but regaining it just in time to press down again, each time taking more and more of Cas into his throat. Dean could taste the salty stream of precome and he knew that Cas was getting close, so he picked up speed, lifting his fingers up to fondle at his balls. 

Fucking into Dean’s face, Cas felt his release building. He was so close. Just a little longer. His shin pressed up again. A few more pumps later and Dean paused suddenly, moaning once more against his skin, stopping only momentarily before licking his way back down and resuming his assault. Cas gasped and cursed, begged and swore, and a minute later began to tremble uncontrollably as his orgasm took over, and he called out Dean’s name as he exploded, pouring his load into Dean’s waiting throat and arching his back violently. 

Dean sucked him through his aftershocks and licked him clean, swallowing everything down. Cas beamed wildly when he leant up to join him again, and kissed him deeply, not worrying about the taste of his own come on his lips. He thought it best to return the favour, and as they kissed his hand dropped to Dean’s hip, his thumb circled out to his cock, but his erection had gone, and a sticky mess was left behind on the fabric. Dean swatted the hand away, a new blush on his already red cheeks. 

“Alright, not my proudest moment.” Dean muttered, embarrassed. But Cas was grinning, and kissed him again. His hand went back to Dean’s boxers and dragged them down, pulling them over his feet and tossing them onto the floor. He turned momentarily, grabbing some tissues from a box on his bedside table, and Dean took them gratefully as he wiped himself off. 

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you look in the morning?” Cas whispered, kissing his cheek. "I love you, Dean Winchester."

 

*

 

There was a new spring to Castiel’s step that day, and Dean couldn’t help but feel relieved, like the worst had surely passed. He seemed happier, talking, laughing, joking, and in all he was more like his old self. It was with confidence that Dean left him downstairs to his own devices while he went up to take a shower that evening. He wasn’t quite over the embarrassment of coming in his pants like some sort of horny teenager that morning, yet Castiel hadn’t seemed to mind. A part of him thought it might actually have been a slight turn on for him. He thought back to a time when they were teenagers, and recalled that Cas had loved making him come apart even then. This morning, there had been a devilish glint in his eyes when he’d realised. 

Just as he was rinsing the soap off, the warm water heating his skin as it rolled down his muscled body, Dean heard the door open. He turned, and had to step to the side of the walk in shower to see due to the mist that had fogged up the glass screen. Castiel had entered the room and was crossing to the vanity cabinet under the sink. Dean quirked up a brow in question, but stepped back under the stream of water while he rubbed his body free of soap. 

Without speaking, Cas held out a hand to Dean, inviting him forward, while fiddling with something in his back pocket with his other arm. Dean eyed him suspiciously as he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, taking Castiel’s hand in his own and being dragged forward another two steps. Cas kissed him without warning, his free hand coursing the short, wet hair at the back of Dean’s head. It took Dean by surprise, but he kissed back happily, his body pressing against Castiel’s and leaving wet patches on his clothing. 

Suddenly, Cas pulled away, taking Dean roughly by the shoulders and pushing him to the side so that he was standing in front of the heated towel rail, which was still slightly warm from the timed heating system. He edged forwards, pressing Dean’s naked body up against it and trapping it there with his own, leaning into his neck and kissing the skin there, nipping, biting and sucking, drawing delicious noises from Dean’s mouth and leaving more than one pink little mark on his skin. 

Dean shivered a little and his skin raised with pimply gooseflesh, whether from the cold or from the kisses he didn’t know. He felt his arousal building for the second time that day, could feel his dick hardening against the metal bars it was pressed against, could feel Castiel’s own arousal through the denim of his jeans. He heard the clanging of metal, and turned to look over his shoulder, breath catching with desire as he glimpsed the handcuffs Castiel was lifting, and watched, almost drooling, as his hands were cuffed just above his head, hanging over a high rail. He moaned when Cas’s lips resumed their attack on his neck, when they travelled up his jawline and his sharp teeth nibbled at his earlobes. Cas’s hands were grabbing at his thighs, massaging the muscle underneath as they pulled and dragged his skin. 

“Do you like being out of control?” Cas whispered into his ear, voice soft but demanding. His fingers worked their way upwards, leaving his thighs to concentrate on his hipbones. Dean nodded with a whimper. “Do you?” Cas repeated, eager to make him speak. 

“Yes.” Dean answered, groaning. Castiel was a fucking sex god, he was sure. How could he not enjoy being taken apart by him? His head rolled back onto Cas’s shoulder when the fingers drew closer to his now aching cock. Castiel’s head nuzzled his with care, and Dean turned into him, drawing a long kiss from his lips before Cas thrust forward, pressing his clothed hips into Dean’s bare ass and Dean’s cock into the metal rail. Dean let out another involuntary whimper at the sensation, and Cas repeated the motion several more times, until he was breathing heavily. 

The fingers on one of Castiel’s hands reached the base of Dean’s dick and it was all he could do not to beg to be fucked. Dean held back his request, he was enjoying the moment no matter how agonisingly slow it was going. The other hand slipped back around to his ass cheek, squeezing at the fatty tissue, rubbing the soft flesh and gently teasing the top of his crack. 

“Please.” Dean whispered, before shutting his mouth. He knew that Cas would take his time no matter what he said, and he could feel Cas’s cheeks pull up in a smile as his lips kissed his jaw. 

“Soon.” Castiel promised. A finger pushed between his cheeks and stroked between them, dragging tantalisingly slowly across his hole. Dean spread his legs eagerly. The other hand wrapped around his cock and squeezed gently, but didn’t move, allowing him just the slightest amount of pressure, at which he moaned again, and held back his begging, still just able to stop the pleading. 

The hand on his ass disappeared momentarily, returning when it was slicked up with lube and the treacherous, teasing index finger returned, circling his tight, muscular hole with determination. Dean was whimpering almost continuously. His cock was leaking, and whenever Castiel pushed him forward it bent upwards and smeared against a towel on the rail, rubbed by the friction of the metal bars. 

When the finger pushed in and Dean felt that agonising mixture of pain and pleasure as it began to fuck into him, he wondered if he’d died too and he was in heaven. With every thrust forward the towel rail massaged his cock, and Cas dragged his other hand back to his hips for more control as a second finger worked its way into him, scissoring him slowly open and dragging back out before plunging back in again quickly. Occasionally, a finger would tease his prostate, and he’d cry out shamelessly.

“Do you like that?” Cas demanded. He forced another finger in after Dean cried out his name, began to use it as a mantra. He wondered briefly how he was able to control himself, when all he wanted was to be balls deep in the man in front of him, naked, debauched, calling out his name in pleasure. His own cock was straining against the tight, firm fabric of his jeans and to appease it, he pushed forward and rubbed it against Dean’s ass cheek while his fingers continued to fuck into him, working him open. 

“Yes, Cas, please, Cas.” Dean was calling, biting his lip, sucking in air between gasps, whimpers and moans. 

Cas couldn’t take it any longer. He worked a fourth finger in while his other hand fumbled with his jeans, cursing his stupidity for not removing his belt earlier as he struggled to tug it off one handed. He continued fucking Dean open until finally he was free, and he wriggled his jeans down, kicking them off of his feet as he dragged his boxers off with them. He grabbed the lube again, squirting it roughly over his aching, leaking, needy cock and giving it a rub to massage it in, holding back a whimper of his own as the pressure was finally realised. As he pulled out his hand, Dean leaned forward slightly, taking a step back, his ass sticking out obediently while he waited to be taken. The sight was an image Cas would treasure for the rest of his life. 

He lined his cock up to Dean’s hole and plunged in, breathing a long sigh of relief as he bottomed out in the perfect tightness. Dean gasped at the fullness within, teasing gently at his prostate, but he grew quickly impatient, pulling forward so as to push back. Cas laughed at his attempt, and pushed him back against the radiator so he was flush with it, and pumped into him roughly again. Dean groaned as Cas picked up speed, his cock slamming into the metal bars with every thrust. He wasn’t going to last. 

Castiel pumped and thrusted, his head eventually resting on Dean’s shoulder where his teeth bit into his skin while his hands squeezed into his hips. He could feel Dean melting in front of him, could feel him coming undone. His hole was spasming and his body was shaking, and as Dean came he cried out his name once again and spattered the wall and the towels with his come as it shot out in hot ropes. The impossibly tight hole tightened further and Cas lost it, sinking into his depth one last time before he froze up in his perfect release, his load blowing inside. 

They were both sweating when they came down from their high. Dean turned to Cas and began to laugh from pure happiness, and Cas began to laugh with him as he kissed his cheek. When he leant up to undo the handcuffs he dropped his gaze back to Dean’s shoulder, and cringed at the sight of the tooth marks in his skin. Dean caught his gaze and looked down at the bite, grinning as he took it in. His hands finally released, he turned around to face his lover and wrapped him into a hug. 

Cas kissed Dean gently when he pulled back. He dragged off his t-shirt before taking his hand in his own and leading him back into the shower where he turned the water back on and let it rush down his body, not quite having heated up yet, cool and refreshing on his hot skin. Dean leant over to grab the soap and winced as he felt Cas’s come dripping out of him and down his leg. He lathered up roughly and washed himself clean, Cas following suit. 

When they stepped out of the water, Dean grimaced at the sorry state of the towels on the rail, and Cas laughed, strolling confidently out into his bedroom, returning moments later with fresh ones and throwing one over to Dean who dried himself off quickly. Once dry, he followed Cas into bed, the clean sheets skimming pleasantly over his clean body. 

“That was unexpected.” Dean said quietly, turning his head to face his partner’s with a smile. Cas grinned, and dipped close for a soft kiss. 

“I don’t hear you complaining.” He teased. 

“If you keep doing that to me, I’ll never complain.” Dean chuckled. 

“Well, good things come to those who wait.” Castiel whispered, a gentle acknowledgment of Dean’s patience and understanding over the previous weeks. “Thank you for everything.” 

“You’re welcome.” Dean smiled sadly, running his hand down Cas’s side. He broke out in a grin, eager to be rid of the slightly somber tone the conversation had taken. “Feel free to get those handcuffs out again any time.” 

 


	33. Kidulthood

The first day of the following November, Dean saw in the morning with a strong coffee. He was sticking strictly to the upper floor of the house, well aware of the flood of the media below for Castiel’s press junket. They were noisy and everywhere, and Dean wished he’d brought his iPad upstairs, he hardly wanted to be seen in his pyjamas, rummaging around in the living room. 

He occupied himself instead with a long, hot, jacuzzi bath, emerging an hour or so later with wrinkled, prune-like fingers and toes. He’d considered jacking himself off, taking some _me time_ , but Cas had made him promise. They were getting the handcuffs back out tonight. He towelled himself off roughly, pulling on some boxers and jeans and dragging a sweater over his head. As he towel dried his hair in front of the mirror, he took a step backward at the sounds of his cell ringing, groping on the bed for the vibrating phone. He grinned at Sam’s name and slid the screen to answer. 

“Hey Sammy.” He smiled as he spoke. 

“Dean!” Two enthusiastic voices sung down the line. Dean could make out Jess speaking with his brother. 

“Is Cas with you?” She asked. 

“He’s here but he’s in the middle of a press thing.” Dean replied. 

“Any chance he could take a quick break? We wanted to talk to you both about something before Jess goes to work.”  Sam said. 

“Uh… yeah maybe, I’ll call you back in a few minutes.” Dean agreed, hanging up the phone. He slipped out of their room and down the stairs, feeling a little confused and nervous, not only for the mystery conversation with his brother and sister-in-law but for interrupting the junket. He rounded the corner to the conference room they were using and took a deep breath before opening the door as quietly as he could manage. 

The many rows of chairs were full of smartly dressed, prim reporters, overflowing to the point that some were standing along the walls. Castiel, Naomi, and several other people Dean recognised, made up the panel at the end of the room, intruded on by many cameras and microphones as they sat lounging back at a decorated table behind a large poster, adorned by his Star Wars character. 

At the sound of the door opening, the majority of eyes turned to Dean, and he could feel a blush creep its way across his cheeks at the attention, which even now he couldn’t get used to. Someone even snapped a photo of him. He smiled coyly, apologised loudly, but his eyes found Castiel’s straight away and Cas shot him a look which showed he understood he was needed. 

Castiel finished answering the question he’d been asked prior to Dean’s arrival, before leaning over to whisper in Naomi’s ear. She announced that they’d be taking a short break as he stood, hurrying along the back of the room and gesturing to Dean to meet him the other side of the door at the back. Dean slipped back out and followed the hallway along, smiling as Kevin stepped aside to let him through. Castiel was waiting for him, and looked at him curiously as he led him by the hand back up the stairs to their room. 

“Are you ok? What’s going on?” Cas whispered frantically once the door had closed and their privacy was ensured. His hands reached out automatically to Dean’s and Dean squeezed his fingers with a smile, dipping into his pocket with the other hand and pulling his cell phone back out. 

“Sam and Jess wanted to speak to us about something.” He replied as he hit dial, setting the phone to speaker mode as the tones rang out. Cas narrowed his eyes inquisitively. 

“Did you get Cas?” Sam asked as they answered. 

“Yeah, I’m here.” Cas nodded as he spoke and tugged on Dean’s hand, leading them both to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“Good, we’ve got something we want to tell you.” Dean could hear the happiness in Sam’s voice, and it was met with a sense of relief. His mind had been running wild, wondering what they’d needed to tell them so urgently.

“I’m pregnant!” Jess announced. 

Castiel’s eyes went wide and he broke out into a large grin. He laughed as he offered his congratulations, slinging his arm around Dean’s neck as his partner uttered the same. Jess proceeded to tell them about the sonogram, that she was three months pregnant and the baby would be due in May. Cas lapped it up happily, genuinely pleased for two of his best friends. 

“Uncle Dean sounds pretty good.” Dean laughed, but his voice was shaking. 

It was only after they had hung up, excusing themselves to return to work, that Cas looked over at Dean. His heart sank instantly. Dean had never been good at lying to him. His face had drained of colour and he was holding his shoulders tensely, his chest expanding little and often as he tried to keep it together. When he refused to look at him, Cas let his hand trawl through the short lengths of his hair and guided his head onto his shoulder in support. Dean went rigid, now unable to pretend his reaction had been unnoticed. 

“What’s wrong?” Cas asked softly, pressing a kiss into his hair. Dean was unable to answer, and upon realising this was escalating into a full blown panic attack, Cas lay him down on the bed, lying next to him, leaning just over him. 

“Breathe.” Cas had to whisper, when Dean had squeezed his eyes shut and his chest had stopped moving. Cas inhaled and exhaled rhythmically, encouraging Dean to follow suit. But he got up suddenly and fled into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and shaking the room with the force. Cas sighed before following, grateful that there was no lock on their en-suite. Dean had curled himself into a ball on the floor, knees gripped tight to his chest, head drooped, and he was shaking. Cas knelt in front of him and forced his head up, alarmed when he saw the tears on his cheeks, escaping from tightly closed eyes. 

“Hey…” Cas whispered soothingly. He pulled Dean’s knees apart and slipped in between them, his hand reaching up to Dean’s jaw, fingers tickling the skin there. Dean finally opened his eyes and Cas felt a bubble of his own panic rising to the surface at the raw terror he could see within. “What’s going on? Talk to me.” He begged. 

Dean shook his head and let his sobs take over, easily subsiding in his distress. It was painful to watch and Cas flung his arms around his back, clutching them together tightly as he pressed gentle kisses into the side of his head and his cheek. 

“I can’t… I can’t be trusted.” Dean choked, and Cas leaned back to press their foreheads together, holding his face in his hands. 

“What are you talking about?” He asked quietly, concerned. 

“With kids.” Dean added. “I can’t… I shouldn’t…” He couldn’t get the words out and his voice faltered to a stop as he sniffed, clutching at Castiel’s shirt with his hands. 

“What?” Castiel was confused and alarmed. He had no idea where any of this had come from. He hadn’t seen Dean so upset for a long time, and even then it was over a flight. The time before that, however… was this something to do with his dad? 

“People like me…” Dean began again, but he was once more rendered unable. 

“People like you? What do you mean?” Cas rubbed his cheeks with his thumb and leant in to quickly kiss him, tasting the salty tears on his lips. 

“People take after their parents.” Dean whispered, and Cas’s heart broke for him as he realised why Dean was so upset. He pulled him back into a hug while he sobbed on his shoulder, muttering quiet reassurances into his ear.

“You are nothing like him.” Cas said softly.

“Of course I am!” Dean protested, pushing Castiel away. “He made me who I am.” 

“You are a good person, Dean.” 

“No, I’m not, Cas.” He insisted. “Just look at the things I’ve done. I hurt everyone I care about.” 

“The fact that you care is what makes you different.” Cas whispered, exasperated and scared. “Dean, he’s gone, he can’t hurt us any more if you stop letting him. You’re great with kids, think of all the ones you’ve helped in the last year. Remember Jake?” 

“Can’t he hurt us?” Dean snapped, struggling once again to breathe. “That’s different, Cas. I’m like this because of him, I’ll never be anything better because of him. It’ll never be safe…” 

“Of course it will be safe. You love Sam and you’ll love his baby-” 

“-I’ve hurt the people I love before.” 

“You know that’s not the same.” 

“Isn’t it?” 

“No.” Cas said firmly.  “It’s not. You weren’t hurting me, you were protecting me. Dean, I can’t put myself in your shoes but I know you and I love you, and I know that there is no way in hell you would ever hurt anyone intentionally.” 

Dean’s face softened, and as Cas stared into his tear ridden eyes, past the vulnerability, he could see he was getting somewhere. He smiled sadly, dipping his face low and capturing Dean’s lips in a quick kiss. Dean responded hesitantly, half-heartedly. “Stop letting him dictate your life. It was you that told me once that you had to stop letting him control you.” Cas whispered, stroking his cheek with his thumb, foreheads pressed together. “You will be a brilliant uncle.” He smiled, but his expression became more serious as he contemplated. He didn’t think there would ever be a good time for the conversation he was about to start, it was always going to go badly if this was his reaction to becoming an uncle.  

“I think we should talk about this too, Dean, because there’s going to be a point where we need to have at least had the discussion. I’ve not given a lot of thought to whether I want children of my own.” Castiel said quietly, Dean found himself unable to look away, his heart pounding painfully, taunting in his chest as his lungs stopped expanding once more, instead choosing to throb with hurt. “I haven’t ever really had the time, but even so, I’m not sure I do want them. I don’t know if you would have wanted to, if it hadn’t been for your dad, or if you still want to, but I could see you as a father, Dean, and I think that you’d be great at it.” 

The thought of children of his own sent Dean’s mind into overdrive, and he succumbed to the pretty black dots that swam in front of his eyes, dancing tauntingly. As the life and tension drained from his body and he slumped into his arms, Cas cursed, checking nervously for Dean’s pulse. It was easy to find, vibrating rapidly on his wrist. He clutched him tight, manipulating his body into a more manageable position as he sat back against the tub, stroking his lover’s hair as he awaited his coming around. 

After a few minutes, the door knocked, not even properly closed, and Cas pulled it open with his foot, eyes glancing up into Naomi’s confused, concerned gaze. 

“What… is he ok?” She asked, alarmed. 

“He will be.” Cas sighed. “He’s having a panic attack.” 

To his surprise, Naomi crouched down next to them, peering over at Dean. “Why? What’s set him off?” 

“His brother is having a baby.” Cas said quietly, wondering how to elaborate. 

“Oh.” Naomi grimaced, instantly connecting the dots. Castiel stared at her in wonder, wishing he had her intuition. She shrugged. “He needs more faith in himself.” 

“Try telling him that.” Cas snorted. They paused for a long moment.

“I can’t buy you much more time.” Naomi whispered. “They need you back downstairs.” 

Cas groaned. “If I leave him like this he’ll run.” 

“We could maybe put security on the door… but I don’t know if we can spare anyone…” 

Cas sighed, chewing his lip. His eyes landed on the cabinet under the sink. He glanced back up to Naomi, and he wriggled out from under Dean, propping him up loosely against the bath. “Please don’t judge me.” He said quietly, as he opened the cabinet and took the handcuffs out from inside. Naomi raised her eyebrows and wrinkled her nose, but said nothing as Cas wrapped one around Dean’s wrist and the other around a low bar on the towel rail, pocketing the key. Cas ran a hand guiltily through Dean’s hair, pressed a kiss to his lips, and stood, following Naomi to finish with the press. 

*

“Hey.” Cas whispered gingerly as he edged back inside the bathroom an hour later. Dean looked up at him with an array of confused emotions on his face, relief, irritation, sadness. “Are you ok?” Cas asked, as he leant down and unlocked the handcuffs. 

Dean shrugged, not sure what to say. He rubbed at his wrist where the cuff had been removed. Cas sighed at his silence, and took a seat on the toilet lid. “You are not your father’s son.” He said suddenly. 

Dean chewed the inside of his cheek, looking away. Cas shook his head, inhaling as he moved closer, kneeling down in front of him. He took his hand in his own and turned it over, tracing the lines on his palm. 

“I’m never going to be able to see Sam again, Cas, don’t you see?” Dean said sadly. 

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Castiel sighed, edging closer. “I’ll always be with you. _Always_. And your dad, he’s dead. His memory can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. And I know you don’t want to hurt anyone.” 

“But what if a part of him is still alive in me? I don’t know how to raise a kid, Cas, any better than he did.” 

“Dean, we’re not talking about you raising a child. The baby will be Sam’s, you just have to be there for them if they need you. But for the record, _you_ raised Sam, he didn’t, and you did a pretty damned good job.” 

Dean half smiled, glancing up to meet Castiel’s eyes and feeling overwhelmed by the love within them. “He’s dead Dean, he lost.” Cas repeated. “And with every good decision you make he loses a little more. He lost every time you put Sam and me in front of yourself. He lost when you slept with me, all those years ago. He lost when you confessed to me what he’d done to you, when you told me you love me, _every time_ you tell me you love me. Dean, I need you to trust me that you’ll be fine, because I know first hand that you only ever protect the people you love. It’s all you’ve ever done.” 

Running his hands through his hair and gazing up at the ceiling, Dean nodded gently. Castiel was beaming when he met his gaze again moments later, and Dean was swept up in his smile. 

“I love you.” He whispered.


	34. December

In early December, Charlie made the trip to LA to visit, under the excuse of doing some Christmas shopping. Dean was suspicious about her sudden desire to visit, and secretly wondered if she was coming just to check up on them, but he didn’t mind. Castiel had a lot of press obligations over the next few days, and it would be good to catch up with his best friend. 

Since Evelyn’s death in the summer, Castiel hadn’t taken on any new roles, feeling instead that he needed a break from acting. Dean had welcomed this change, enjoying the new free time Castiel had, but he knew for certain it wouldn’t last forever. The media wouldn’t let it, they were as popular as ever, and while she had accepted Castiel’s decision, Naomi had insisted that they kept their press publicity high meanwhile, plus he had still been obligated to do the promos and interviews that his role in Star Wars brought ahead of the Christmas time release date. Over time, their status had been elevated to something of a power couple, the next Beyonce and Jay Z or Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (with whom they most certainly did not associate). Wherever they went people were waiting to photograph them, trying to talk to them. It was annoying, really, but they laughed it off easily enough. They were finally happy, and had left nothing to hide. Dean often enjoyed teasing Castiel about Naomi’s comment months before - that he had been the best thing to happen to his career in a long time, because the media loved him.

It was without thought that Dean stepped into the Beverly Center, side by side with his short, red-headed friend. Charlie noticed instantly the heads turning their way in recognition, left surprised when Dean managed to tune it out, and kept strolling on along the polished, marble-esque floor with his hands casually in his pockets. They continued to chatter, catching up on Charlie’s life back in Kansas, until a young couple stopped Dean and asked him for a photo. He smiled and nodded, and Charlie took the girl’s phone and snapped the photo quickly, smiling as they turned, blushing, and walked away. 

“This is too weird.” Charlie admitted, eyeing her friend with a sense of awe. “You’re like, actually famous.”

Dean laughed, lips tweaking up into a genuine smile. “Yeah. It is weird, isn’t it?” He agreed. “I’m still not used to it.”

“You seem pretty cool about it though.” Charlie smiled back, happy for her friend. Dean just shrugged and lead her into the designer clothing store they’d been heading to. 

It had been easy to find appropriate gifts for Sam and Jess, there were hundreds of toys and baby clothes available, and with a little help from Charlie, he had two bags full. But after perusing rail upon rail of clothes and gifts, Dean was starting to remember why he hated shopping. He needed to find something to give Castiel for Christmas that would make up for the sizeable difference in their bank balances, something that showed he cared. He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair in frustration, turning to Charlie whose eyebrow was quirked up in question. 

“Charlie, what the hell do I get Cas for Christmas?” He asked irritably. “He got me a freaking Rolex last year. And I know I shouldn’t have but I Googled it, and it was one of the stupidly expensive limited edition ones.” 

Charlie laughed, not at all surprised by Dean’s admission, and he smiled back, her grin contagious.   She picked up a gift wrapping bow. “You could just put this on your ass?” 

He nudged her in the ribs, trying to contain his laughter and embarrassment. “I’m serious, Charlie, I need help.” 

“How much was the Rolex?” She asked.

“You seriously don’t want to know.” He said quietly, looking down at the silver watch on his wrist. He’d been reluctant to wear it at first in case it got damaged, and he’d wanted to keep it to wear as best, but Cas had insisted and eventually he’d caved, wearing it day by day. It _was_ a particularly nice watch. He glanced back up and Charlie was still waiting for her answer. “Thirty thousand dollars.”

While Charlie’s mouth fell open in shock, Dean grimaced, rubbing his eyes with his fingers in frustration. “Yeah, that’s not gunna be easy to beat.” Charlie agreed, her hand squeezing Dean’s arm. “You know it’s not about the money though, for him. He probably didn’t care if it was thirty thousand or just thirty. What did you get him?” 

“A scrapbook.” He groaned. “And even that took some thought.” 

“You could make him another one?” She suggested. “Your first year together? You could make it a tradition.” 

“It’s a nice idea, but we’ve hardly got any photos together.” 

Charlie laughed. “People are taking photos of you together every time you go anywhere. Just go online! Or contact the magazines that have taken them, I’m sure they’d get you a copy.” 

“Doesn’t quite cut a thirty thousand dollar watch though, does it?” Dean complained. 

“I honestly don’t think he’d care, Dean.” Charlie said quietly, before pausing in thought. “But… I should probably warn you. I know what he’s got for you, and, well. You may wanna get him something on extra top.” 

Dean groaned again. “How do you know what he’s got me? Have you been talking in secret?” He complained and Charlie blushed. “He literally has everything, Charlie. He has a yacht, he has a helicopter, a private jet, a fucking Ferrari. What do you get the man who has everything?” 

“He may have everything, but he hasn’t _done_ everything.” Charlie reminded him. “Why don’t you take him on a vacation?” 

Dean paled at the thought of another flight, but the idea was a good one. “I would, but I’d have to fly, wouldn’t I?” 

“Ok, well get him two presents. First, get yourself some damn counselling. You’re almost thirty and you need to be able to fly. It’s kinda part of Cas’s job description. Second, you live in LA. Take a fucking boat. You said yourself he’s got a yacht. Talk to Naomi, plan a week off, and whisk him away somewhere.” 

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” Dean admitted, a wave of relief washing over him as a plan started to form in his mind. She was right though, he really did need to start getting some therapy. He had to get over that incident sooner or later. He jumped a little when his cell phone started to vibrate in his pocket, and as he pulled it out, he smiled, hitting answer. “Hey Cas, I thought you’d still be in work?” 

Charlie listened intently, but over the hum of the shop’s other customers, she was unable to hear Castiel’s voice on the other end. Dean began to look a little confused and concerned, and plugged his free ear with his spare hand. “We’re still in the Beverly Center, yeah. Are you sure?” He asked quietly. A few moments later he’d hung up, and furrowed his brow as he tucked his phone back into his pocket. 

“Is Cas ok?” Charlie asked in wonder. 

“Yeah, I think so.” Dean said quietly. “He’s coming to join us.” 

“Here?” Charlie was as surprised as Dean, who nodded, bewildered. Charlie shrugged it off, figuring they’d find out what was going on soon enough. “It’ll be good to see him.” She commented. “Now come on, you’ve got to figure out what you’re going to get for me, now you’re famous and can afford something decent.”

Dean rolled his eyes, but followed her as she lead him out of the shop and through the mall, joking and laughing on the way. They darted their way around several other stores, before a text from Cas arrived on Dean’s phone, and they skirted their way back down to the ground floor to meet him near the door, narrowly dodging several keen fans. A moment after they’d reached the door, Castiel arrived on the other side of it, followed closely by Kevin and Crowley who both looked relatively unamused at being dragged into a busy mall in December. He couldn’t look less inconspicuous in his leather jacket over a white t-shirt, wearing tight black jeans and sunglasses. Heads were already starting to turn, and as he strolled toward Dean he kept his head down, hoping not to be noticed. 

With a smile, Dean caught him in a tight hug, and kissed his cheek. He felt oddly tense, and when he released him, he tried to look up at his eyes, but his shades were protecting whatever emotions were behind them. Dean knew instantly that things weren’t quite right. Cas turned and bent to wrap Charlie in his arms in welcome, and she beamed up at him happily, before suggesting that they resume their shopping spree. 

They made it barely three feet before someone asked for a picture, and they were soon bombarded with requests. Castiel sighed inwardly, felt only by Dean stood next to him, and took off his sunglasses, aware that they were doing nothing to protect his identity. They stood and posed for a dozen different photos before being finally free to move on. Charlie, who had stood awkwardly to the side through the ordeal, ushered them impatiently towards the Apple store, where she had her eye on the newest MacBook. 

While Charlie was being attended to by an over enthusiastic ‘genius’ - whom she kept correcting - Dean led Cas to the corner of the store on the pretence of eyeing up accessories. They turned, pretending to look at the various smart home appliances with their backs to the rest of the store, and Cas fell easily into Dean’s side, a tight arm holding him in support. 

Angling his head, Dean nuzzled into Castiel’s hair, pressing soft kisses into the dark brown mess, that really was due a cut. “What’s going on?” He whispered, knowing full well that something was up. 

Cas shrugged. “It’s nothing. I’ll tell you later.” 

“Why don’t I believe you?” Dean asked quietly. 

“I just…” Cas began, unsure how to continue. He turned and wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist so that they were pressed against each other, and leaned his forehead on Dean’s shoulder. “Someone made an offhand comment today. It was just an accident but…” 

“What did they say?” Dean probed. 

“They just asked if I’d be spending Christmas with my mom.” Cas whispered, and Dean’s arms tightened around him automatically, his lips finding his cheek again and planting a multitude of small kisses onto his skin. Dean’s heart ached at the pain radiating off of the actor. He wished he could help, but it was something they had to get through together.

“I’m sorry.” Dean said softly, stroking him with his fingers. 

“It’s fine, it was just an accident. I just needed to see you.” Cas sniffed and Dean wondered if he’d cried. One of his hands left his side and dragged a tissue from his pocket, lifting up to his face and dabbing at his eyes and Dean assumed he’d been right. Cas lifted his head and smiled at his other half. “Do I look ok?” He asked. 

He was a little bit pink in the cheeks, but otherwise he’d got away with it. Dean nodded, and kissed his lips gently. Cas smiled when they broke apart. “I think I need to go back to work, Dean.” He said after a pause. 

Dean raised his eyebrows, caught by surprise. He knew Cas would want to work again at some point, and he’d thought it was about time, but hearing the words leave his lips still caught him unawares. Naomi had been going on at him about it, he supposed. He nodded, and smiled. “Whenever you’re ready.” He soothed. 

When Charlie came back over she looked at Castiel suspiciously, and on catching her silent inquisition, Dean nudged her in the arm. “Are you buying that computer, then?” He asked. 

Charlie shrugged. “Maybe at some point.” She said, nonchalant. “It’s kinda expensive.” 

“Charlie, if you want it, I’ll pay for it.” Castiel assured her. 

“I’m not hinting!” She protested. 

“No, I know you’re not.” Cas smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I owe you a few favours anyway.” He said, as he strode back over to the store attendant. 

“He most certainly does not owe me any favours.” Charlie complained under her breath while Dean watched curiously, a little bemused. When Castiel came back with the computer paid for, wearing a slightly smug smile, she gave him a light punch in the chest and a knowing glare. Dean was unsure what he was missing, but he figured he’d find out soon enough. 

 

*

 

December, for celebrities, meant party season. Dean would have rather stayed indoors, curled together on the couch in front of some cheesy B-movie or a box set, but Castiel was obligated to attend a few, at least, and so it was with slight trepidation that Dean straightened down his tuxedo upon exiting the Bentley, and took Castiel’s offered hand, rolling his eyes with a light smile as they climbed the steps into the hall. Instantly on arrival, they were snapped by waiting paparazzi, and although their hands tightened together in annoyance, they smiled at the cameras, side by side. 

As they stepped inside the grand hall, Dean was taken aback by the vastness of the place, and the fullness. He couldn’t remember whose party it was, Castiel had told him several times, but he hadn’t cared enough to remember. The ornate walls were decorated with tasteful wreaths, of holly and pines and fresh red berries. Fairy lights lit up the tall, sloped ceiling, hanging delicately along the decorative stone beams. The place reminded him somewhat of the great hall from Hogwarts in Harry Potter, (which Sammy would never know was one of his favourite movies) and it was full to almost bursting with familiar faces. There were people singing carols at one end of the hall, and despite his limited excitement he actually felt relatively festive. Charlie would have given anything to be here, he knew. And yet it was him who was greeted warmly with kisses to the cheek, by a variety of celebrities he had met on occasions before. Maybe he’d speak to Cas about bringing her to New Year’s Eve at their house.

“Do me a favour?” Castiel whispered in his ear as he accepted two glasses of champagne from a nearby server. “Stick to champagne?” He winked. 

Dean rolled his eyes but nodded, taking one of the glasses from the actor and sipping it casually as they integrated themselves within a crowd. He listened, smiling, as the group in front of them chatted amicably, Castiel joining in every so often with a quip. He didn’t really get what they were talking about, it was all shop talk. Like the other parties they’d been to, Dean was waiting for the moment where Cas left him to his own devices, while he was forced to speak to producers and directors about potential upcoming roles, dragged off by Naomi and his agent. 

“Castiel?” A female voice called brightly from behind them. They turned, and Cas was enveloped in a tight squeeze by Taylor Swift. “It’s been ages.” She complained.

“Taylor!” He exclaimed happily, kissing her lightly on the cheek. As they broke apart, he turned to Dean, who was yet to meet her. “This is Dean.” He smiled.

The singer grinned as Dean was wrapped in her hug, and he was slightly intimidated by how little he had to stoop. She was fairly tall for a woman, particularly in her high heels. Dean smiled back pleasantly, and suddenly they were alone, Naomi at Castiel’s heels as he looked back apologetically. Taylor smiled, shrugging, and took Dean by the arm, leading him back to a group of her friends, several actors and several singers that Dean recognised. He grinned, and they greeted him by name, already well aware who he was, which surprised him and he blushed. 

Noticing, Taylor poked him in the ribs and he grinned, shifting uncomfortably on his feet, and downed the last of his champagne. His empty glass was almost instantly replaced by a nearby waiter and he grinned. “I could get used to this.” He joked. 

Despite his earlier reservations, he found himself enjoying the party, more so than the others he’d been to. The group of people he’d been pulled into were fun, and he seemed to fit in easily, much unlike the people he’d met on previous occasions, but then again, maybe he’d changed. Or maybe it was the champagne. He’d had a lot of it tonight, he reasoned. As he was laughing and joking, he heard his name called behind him, and on swivelling, noticed Alayna calling him from a group  across from him. He smiled at her, and squeezed through the crowd to be wrapped in a drunken hug. 

“How are you?!” She exclaimed merrily, definitely at a similar level of inebriation. Her arm rested around his shoulder as she introduced him to her friends, the most famous of which, who he’d just casually pushed past, was none other than Jennifer Lawrence. He felt a bit goopy about that, because fuck did he love X-Men and here was Mystique standing right in front of him. He found himself getting star struck and his voice closed up while she watched him with a curious smile. She looked friendly, but there was something imposing about her. Even though in real terms, Castiel was probably more famous, he wasn’t in the least bit intimidating (although probably, no definitely, just because they used to have baths together when they were four). Perhaps he just needed to get to know her. 

“Seriously?” She broke into a wide smile at his horrified stare. “You go to bed every night with Castiel fucking Novak and you’re star struck by me?” 

Dean grinned, and laughed awkwardly. “Well yeah, but I’ve seen him naked.” His face contorted into an awkward wince when he realised how weird that sounded. 

Luckily, she seemed to see the funny side, and laughed loudly. “That’s a really weird thing to say.”

“I promise I’m not normally so bad.” He apologised, and she grinned. He had this odd feeling instantly, like they could be friends, they just clicked. They all chatted and joked around a while longer, and Dean was still surprised at how weirdly comfortable he felt. He naturally gravitated towards Jennifer when Alayna left to catch up with another friend, and they ended up talking between themselves quite a bit. 

“What’s he like when he’s alone?” Jen asked suddenly, some time later, and Dean raised his eyebrows. 

“Cas?” He asked, and when she nodded he smiled. “He’s the best person I know.” 

“I only met him once, last year, and honestly I thought he was a bit of a jerk. He just seemed really fake.” She admitted, questioning Dean with her eyes. 

“He’s not, I promise. I mean, when he’s out in public sometimes he acts like a total dick, or he used to at least. But he’s a good guy really. Always has been. I’ve known him since we were about four years old.” 

Jen smiled. “You two are really cute together.” She said. “Hey, speak of the devil.” She gestured behind Dean, and he turned, spotting Cas making his way through the crowd to him, finally free of Naomi, his agent, and the film makers he’d been caught up with. He beamed when Dean caught his eye, and dipped in for a kiss when he reached him, his hands finding his waist automatically. 

“Hey.” He breathed, and he smiled curiously when he looked up to Jennifer. She eyed him back with a similarly bemused and intrigued expression, like she couldn’t quite read him. Dean glanced between the two with caution, there was an air of unease like there was something he was missing, something going unsaid. After a pause, Jen looked as if she was about to speak, but a man’s hand landed on her shoulder and she turned, distracted by some other party guest. 

In her absence, Dean turned back to Castiel and let their lips meet easily once again, caught up in the sensations it triggered in his intoxicated mind. Cas, it seemed, felt similarly, and he let a quiet, guttural groan escape his lips as he dragged Dean’s hips towards his own. Somehow, Dean stopped, pulling away just enough to whisper. “Not in these pants.” 

Grinning, Cas released him, knitting their fingers together instead. Dean didn't know when, but at some point the carollers had finished their show and had since been replaced by a steady stream of Christmas songs pouring from the speaker system. They were still stood so close to each other that Dean could hear Cas singing along, and he smiled brightly at the sound. “I’ve got a feeling, this year’s for me and you.” He sang, maintaining their gaze. “So happy Christmas, I love you baby. I can see a better time, when all our dreams come true.” 

“How am I only just finding out you can sing, too?” Dean grinned, surprised. Cas just shrugged, a pink tinge creeping over his cheeks. After his blush had faded, he tugged on Dean’s hand and without argument, Dean followed him through to the bathroom, where Castiel pulled him back against him, kissing him deeply once again.

“Are you having a good time?” Cas asked once they’d broken apart.

“Yeah, I am actually. I’m starting to understand the whole champagne thing.” Dean grinned, head spinning. He was as surprised as Castiel was at how much he was enjoying himself.

“How did you end up talking to Jennifer Lawrence?” Cas was trying to be casual, but there was an uncertainty in his tone that Dean recognised almost instantly. 

He smiled, still intrigued by the interest and the history he hadn’t known existed. “She was speaking to Alayna, and it just kinda happened. I like her though, she’s funny.” He explained. He paused, trying to be diplomatic. “Is there anything I should know about her?” 

A corner of Castiel’s mouth quirked up in a guilty smile. “We had a minor argument early last year.” He admitted. “Nothing serious, and it never leaked, but… I don’t know, it wasn’t long before Sam’s wedding and I had a lot going through my mind, what with knowing I’d see you again and with mom being ill… she was having all the tests done at that point. But anyway I was at a party and we met and she just saw straight through me immediately, like she knew I wasn’t being myself.” 

“She called you out on it?” Dean probed. 

“In so many words.” Cas shrugged. “You seem to be getting on well with her, though.” 

“You should give her another chance.” Dean smiled. 

He might have responded, but Dean got too caught up in Castiel’s stare to notice, and after a moment, Cas pushed back into him and kissed him fiercely, backing him up against a cubicle door as his tongue licked into his mouth. Dean groaned, the vibrations jittering down Cas’s body, and he leaned around Dean to open the door behind him, steadying them both as they tripped backwards and took a step back into the aptly sized cubicle.

Shutting the door behind them quickly, Castiel pressed on Dean’s chest until he fell down, sitting on top of the closed toilet lid. Cas leaned over as he continued exploring Dean’s mouth with his tongue, his hands trailing down his chest, tugging on his necktie, grasping at his belt. Dean gasped with every touch. His cock was hard and ready, pushing uncomfortably against his boxers and pants and straining for some attention. Castiel found it quickly, hand rubbing firmly against the tight line drawn in the fabric while Dean lifted, trying to push up, begging for more friction, which Castiel denied with his other strong hand. 

As he squeezed, Dean whimpered, and where Castiel’s lips lifted into a grin their kiss fell apart, and instead he pressed them into the skin along his jaw, down his neck and onto his collarbone, pausing only to drag off his tie and open up his shirt. His hands slowly worked open Dean’s belt while he kissed his left nipple, his own dick aching, painfully neglected. As soon as he’d finally managed to unclip the buckle, (he was drunk, after all) he tugged on the elastic of Dean’s boxers and slipped them over just enough to free his cock, and took it quickly inside his mouth while Dean moaned, unable to do more than watch as he became a quivering mess. 

Castiel licked as he lifted his head, pressing his tongue down into the slit of Dean’s cock and tasting the salty precome there. He bared his teeth slightly as he poured back down over him, knowing that Dean loved the extra pressure, and his tongue swirled around the base as he took him back deep into his throat. He picked up his speed, creating a rhythm that set Dean on the path of being impossibly turned on, and as he continued to pull up and press down Dean found himself wondering how he managed to make his mouth so incredibly tight, wet and hot. 

It took Dean a while longer than usual to come, due to the copious amount of champagne floating in his bloodstream, but when he finally exploded down Castiel’s throat he thought he could die happy in that moment. As Cas swallowed him down, and grabbed some tissue to wipe him off, Dean leant suddenly forward and pulled him up, tugging at his underarms in a forward direction until he was standing over him, straddling his legs with his own groin in front of Dean’s face. Castiel’s expression was one of lust as Dean’s fingers found his own belt buckle and undid it slowly, while keeping their gaze on each other. 

Cas had to chew his lip, hard, to stop from crying out when Dean’s lips slipped over his cock and licked, sucked, and swirled at the head. Dean began almost painfully slowly, and it was all Cas could do not to fuck forward and make him take it all in. When Dean picked up some speed, his resistance became futile, and he started to move with him, bottoming out into his mouth and throat while Dean’s hands gripped at his ass, guiding it forward and keeping it in place. Castiel wasn’t going to last half as long as Dean had, and he could feel his release starting to build even now. A soft string of curse words and pleas were escaping his lips without permission but he couldn’t have cared if the whole world heard at that moment, and when his wave came crashing down around him his back arched awkwardly, and Dean slipped a hand up to support him before he fell backward. 

When he’d swallowed down Castiel’s come, Dean let his cock slip out of his mouth and guided him down onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his back as Cas collapsed forward limply. He pressed kisses into Castiel’s temple as he came down from his high, kissing away the sweat and exhaustion it had all left behind. After they’d caught their breath, they tidied themselves up to the best of their abilities, Dean having to stroke through Castiel’s hair to get it to look less like they’d just had sex, but then, it usually looked like that anyway. They decided, after a few more kisses, that they’d better rejoin the party.

As they stepped out, hand in hand, into the corridor leading back to the hall, they came to an abrupt stop as they once again found themselves face to face with Jennifer Lawrence, who eyed them with a suspicious, yet light-hearted gaze, as though she knew exactly what they’d been up to. Dean blushed, hard, as she looked him in the eye, and her mouth broke out in a wide smile, laughter in her eyes. Cas found himself looking at the floor, guilty, but he was grinning wildly. When he looked up, she was watching him, and his smile didn’t fade. 

“Did we get off on the wrong foot?” He asked, the alcohol giving him confidence. 

Jen twisted her head to the side a little, but her smile also remained in place. “I think we might have.” 

“What are you doing for New Year’s?” Cas enquired, and when she said she didn’t know what her plans were, he invited her to the party they would be holding at the house.

They returned to the crowd when she left, headed into the bathrooms. Castiel was drawn into Dean’s new confidence, and he stuck like glue to his side, fingers interlaced while they chatted away and he introduced him to various producers and executives. Someone even suggested they could get Dean a modelling job, but he declined, concerned that they might want him to go shirtless. Even though his past was far from secret, his scars were still his own. 

A little while later, when Castiel’s arm was around Dean’s waist, they turned, ready to be introduced to some other director who had a potential role for Cas - Dean was losing track - and instead stopped short when they came face to face with someone who, in the drama of the year, Dean had clean forgotten existed. 

Caleb’s hair was longer than it had been. Thick blonde locks that hung just above his shoulders, bouncing as he laughed and moved. His eyes, bright and brown, locked onto Dean’s with force when he saw them, and they darkened considerably. He held the gaze for several moments until his lips curled into a smile, and he looked instead at Castiel, greeting him with a light, one armed hug. He held out a reluctant hand for Dean to shake, and Dean made sure he shook it firmly, flexing his fingers when his hand was dropped, not enjoying the sensation left on his skin. That dislike was still there, even after winning the battle. 

“It’s been far too long, Castiel.” Caleb greeted with warmth. 

“Yeah.” Cas smiled politely. “I’ve been out of the game for a while, but I’ll be back soon.” 

“I heard.” Caleb’s hand went to Cas’s shoulder, and Dean tensed irritably. “What have you been up to, Dean?” 

Great, way to point out that he hadn’t done much for a while. It seemed like Caleb was still trying to prove that he was a liability, a burden, a less suitable match for Castiel than he was. Dean’s lips pursed as he sucked in a breath. “I’ve just been spending time with Cas.” He made sure to smile. “But we’re going back to the UK in a month or so and I’ll be back working with nonprofits. We’ve made a few connections here too.” 

“Ah yes, I heard about that too. For abused children, like yourself, isn’t it?” The tone he used was cutting, almost blaming him for what had been done to him as a child. Dean knew this was stemming from jealousy, that he surely was aware that no child deserves such treatment, but it pissed him off all the same. Even Cas, who didn’t have a real problem with the guy, picked up on it, and his fingers curled tightly into Dean’s waist in support. He didn’t need a scene right now. 

“Yeah, to put it simply.” Dean kept the smile on his lips, ignoring the dig. A year ago, he might have retaliated, but he had grown through the year and he was more stable than perhaps he ever was. He had a much better hold on his temper for sure. Cas looked at him and beamed. 

“Don’t be shy about it!” He insisted suddenly, turning back to Caleb. “The work he’s been doing is incredible, and he’s had a really big impact. Everyone’s trying to get him to endorse them and we’re fitting in what we can, but we’re only choosing the best organisations that are doing the best work. Dean’s been amazing, he’s been so good with kids that have been through some really awful stuff. I couldn’t be more proud of the way he’s handled it all, considering what he’s been through.”

Dean blushed as he looked at the floor, embarrassed by the sudden show of appreciation from Castiel. He wondered if he’d done it on purpose, if he’d seen how uncomfortable Caleb was making him feel, and threw in the ego boost to back him up. God knows it meant the world. He thought about his words. He liked how he’d said we instead of he. In front of him, Caleb forced his lips into a smile, and when Dean looked up to meet his eyes, there was defeat within, resignation. They both knew he’d won. 

“I need another drink.” Castiel continued, purposefully ignoring the staring contest between the other two men. “Bad taste in my mouth.” His lips curled into a smirk and Dean looked up at him with raised eyebrows, trying not to laugh out loud, but failing when Cas glanced down at him and beamed. On catching the exchange, Caleb wrinkled his nose. He had somewhere he was meant to be, he explained, although Dean didn’t believe him. He snuck off into the crowd.

Dean grabbed another two glasses of champagne from a nearby server, and grinned as he held one out to Castiel. “You didn’t have to do that.” He smiled, his tone insinuating that he was pleased he had.

Castiel smiled back genuinely, his free hand taking the back of Dean’s neck and leaning in to kiss him slowly. He wasn’t going to let Caleb make him feel that way. He’d proved himself an asshole. Maybe it was out of jealousy, but even if it was, he needed to know he had no chance. “Yes, I did.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I wrote this over Christmas?


	35. Christmas, Take 2

It was Christmas again before they knew it. Dean felt relatively nervous about the day, had done ever since Charlie had hinted at the scale of Castiel’s gift to him. He was grateful, of course, that money would never be an issue for them, and it was nice now that he too was making his fair share from his own interviews, but his bank balance, when compared to Castiel’s, was still a few digits shorter. He wasn’t embarrassed, exactly, but he would have preferred it if Castiel spent a bit less, considering he wasn’t quite capable of repaying the favour even if he had been able to come up with anything Cas would have wanted.

As an extra present, when Dean woke up on Christmas morning he dove under the sheets, waking up his lover with a quick blow job. After they’d showered and changed, they headed downstairs, hand in hand, ready to start the morning. Like the previous year, Sam, Jess, and Charlie had joined them the night before, and Dean was on standby as emotional support in case Cas needed him, well aware that the first Christmas without his mother might prove difficult. 

Dean met the girls in the kitchen, surprised in the light of the morning at how much Jess’s baby bump was showing through her skin tight mid-length dress. He smiled, although the realisation had been accompanied with a sense of dread, and Charlie had him peeling potatoes and grating carrots ready to start the dinner. Sam and Castiel joined them shortly after, leaning back against the island as they chatted idly. Dean still enjoyed cooking, and he’d been pleased when Cas had agreed to let him and the two women cook the Christmas dinner so his staff could have the day off as paid leave with their own families. He hadn’t been sure that he’d trust him with such a big job, but he was ready to prove himself in the kitchen. 

Castiel was staring at Charlie a lot, Dean noticed, and acting a little weird. Charlie however, hadn’t hadn’t seemed to realise because she had her back to him where she was preparing food. When she did eventually turn around, Dean caught the knowing glance between the two, and he wasn’t exactly surprised when she started speaking. 

“I know we usually wait until after dinner, but I think we should open our gifts this morning.” She announced confidently. Dean raised an eyebrow, but Castiel was quick to back her up in agreement, and he shrugged in defeat, following them into the living room where there were several wrapped gifts under the decorated fir tree in the corner. 

Castiel turned to Dean, a pink tinge to his cheeks. “I can’t tell you why, but yours has to be last.”

Dean looked at him blankly, but shrugged, sitting down happily to watch while Charlie unwrapped the laptop Castiel had bought her earlier in the month, and the accessories Dean had bought afterwards. Jess unwrapped a stocking of various baby related items that the group had picked together, followed by some perfume and makeup from her husband, while Sam opened a stack of new clothes from his wife, and a selection of joke hair styling essentials from his laughing older brother and Castiel.

As Cas pulled the navy blue wrapping paper off of the scrapbook Dean had pieced together this year, he smiled fondly, glancing gratefully up at Dean between the pages of their appearances that year, both good and bad. The book included pictures from all of their joint escapades - the now infamous interview on Graham Norton’s show where they’d kissed for the first time in public, the photo that Crowley had taken of them on the London Eye, one of them laughing as they presented a BRIT award, one of them together on their sofa, on Skype to Ellen, pictures taken on the Star Wars set, and some that were more recent. 

“Check the last page.” Dean whispered, watching the tears well in Castiel’s eyes as he flicked through the album. He glanced up quickly before turning to the back, tears spilling over as he looked at the message written at the back. 

“Castiel may take two weeks vacation at a time of his choosing.” Castiel read the message aloud, a laugh on his lips. “Signed, Naomi.” He grinned widely as he closed the book and leant forward, enveloping Dean in a hug. “How in hell did you get her to agree to that?” He laughed. 

“She likes me.” Dean shrugged, smiling broadly. 

Standing, Cas held his hands out for Dean to take, and while Dean eyed them suspiciously and with confusion, Cas shot a nervous glance in Charlie’s direction, who smiled back encouragingly. Dean caught the exchange and narrowed his eyes further, but took Castiel’s hands in his own and stood, wondering what was about to happen. “It’s time for your gift, now.” Cas said quietly, and most people would have thought he felt confident, but Dean wasn’t most people, and could easily see the anxiety in his expression and hear it in his tone of voice. 

With a slight tug on his hand, Cas led the way through the building and down into the garage. Dean felt his heart starting to sink. Cas hadn’t bought him a car, had he? Surely he knew that he wouldn’t want or need another one now he had the Impala, and also, the kind of cars Castiel was prone to buying tended to cost more than the mortgage had on Dean’s old apartment. His fears faded when Castiel lead the group to the back of the garage and to the Impala itself. 

Without thinking, Dean slipped quickly into the driver’s seat when Castiel unlocked the car, wondering if he’d done something to the car he loved. Maybe he thought he’d improved it, not that it needed any improvements whatsoever. His baby was perfect the way it was. Exactly the way it was. But he shouldn’t have worried, as Cas pushed him gently and he took the hint, moving over into the passenger seat. The others clambered into the back. “What’s happening?” Dean asked, unsure if he was curious or alarmed. 

“I’m taking you to your present.” Cas explained, voice still trembling slightly with nerves. Why was Castiel nervous? That was hardly a reassuring sign. What was happening? Cas dipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a strip of long black fabric. 

“Seriously, you’re blindfolding me?” Dean eyed him with disbelief. Cas shot him a guilty smile, but nodded, and Charlie leaned forward from the backseat to help Cas tie the mask over his eyes. 

A little under ten minutes later, the car had stopped moving, and Charlie and Castiel had both appeared at the passenger door, exchanging a look before opening it and taking Dean’s hands to help him out of the car. Even without his sight, Dean could feel how tense Cas had become, and his mind had wandered to unimaginable lengths. Why was Cas so nervous? The question kept running through his mind, each time a worse answer finding its way to the forefront of his brain. He wasn’t going to open his eyes and see an airplane, was he? He might run away screaming if he did. 

He felt Castiel’s rough fingers on his cheeks before the blindfold was pulled off. Immediately, he had to look at the ground. His eyes stung from the sunlight where they’d gotten used to the darkness, and he rubbed at them for a few seconds before he could see clearly again. When he looked back up, all he could see was Castiel’s face. He’d come so close that he’d blocked out the view of anything else behind him. 

“I hope I haven’t crossed a line.” Cas whispered quietly, just loud enough so that only Dean would hear. Dean furrowed his brow, but as Cas took a step to the side and out of the way, he suddenly realised what he’d been talking about. 

They were in a relatively industrial apart of the neighbourhood, and there were shops and restaurants all around them, although everything was closed considering it was Christmas Day. They was standing in an empty parking lot, in front of a large, concrete building with four big, white, metal garage doors. There was a sign atop the concrete, below the flat roof, a white sign with large, emblazoned red letters:

“Singer’s Auto Salvage” 

Dean’s eyes went wide with the shock, as they took in what he was seeing. He was silent for so long that Castiel thought he might have a coronary while waiting for his reaction. Charlie, who had been more confident, could see that Dean was speechless rather than furious, and smiled, taking Dean by the arm as she led the group inside the garage and showed them around. It was finished to a similar style as the garage she managed in Kansas, and Dean could see the work that he, she, or they, had put into each little detail, making it totally perfect. The shop was bigger than the one back home, with four ramps instead of the two they had in Lawrence, and with it came the capability for more customers, but also more staff, more responsibility. When Dean had looked around at it all, mouth still hung open and eyes wide, he turned first to Charlie. 

“Castiel has opened a second branch.” She explained. “You’ll still be the boss, the CEO if you like, but it’s here if you ever want to work, if you ever miss us.” She paused. “There’s something else, too. We’ve hired a new manager… for the Lawrence branch… because I’m going to be managing this one.” 

Still speechless, and now with tears at the rims of his eyes, Dean swallowed, and nodded once, still looking in the direction of Charlie, his brother, and his sister-in-law. “Guys, can you just give us a minute?” He asked quietly. He didn’t know how he was ever going to thank Castiel for this gift. He couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t get down on one knee and beg Cas to marry him, he was certainly considering it. Sam, Jess and Charlie smiled as they walked back out of the garage, leaving him alone with his partner, and better half. Cas was still looking awkward and nervous. 

“Have I crossed a line?” Cas whispered, finally meeting his eyes. 

“No.” Dean shook his head. If he had to leave Kansas, then bringing Bobby’s to him was the nicest thing Castiel could have done. “Well, yes, you’ve definitely spent too much. Particularly if you’ve helped Charlie out as much as I expect you have.” He added, trying to work out roughly what this must have cost the actor. “But no, not in the sense that you mean, it’s perfect.” 

Cas smiled, relief washing over him as he let himself enjoy Dean’s reaction. As he looked into his eyes their connection overwhelmed him and once again he realised how lucky they were to have found each other, and to have forgiven each other. 

“Cas…” Dean whispered, and took a step closer to him. “I really don’t know what to say.” 

“You don’t need to say anything.” Castiel smiled, his tone equally soft. 

“Yes, I do.” Dean protested. “I don’t know if you realise how much this means to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I _am_ happy here with you, but somehow you’ve managed to bring my old life back to me so now I have both. I don’t know how you do it, but you’re incredible, and you’re perfect, and I love you.” Dean smiled as he leant forward and kissed Castiel on the lips. “How did you pull this off?” 

“I can’t take all the credit.” Cas returned Dean’s warm smile, nuzzling against his forehead. “I wanted to buy you a garage, so you could work if you wanted, so I called Charlie to ask for help, and she came up with the rest. I think she misses living closer to you, not to mention she’s apparently determined to find a famous girlfriend so she can join in on the fun.” He smirked as he remembered that conversation. “I just paid for it all.” 

“And I suppose you paid for her new house?” Dean eyed him suspiciously. He knew Castiel would have bought her somewhere to live, and he wasn’t angry, it wasn’t as though they needed the money, but he’d been too generous knowing that this was all for him. 

Cas shrugged sheepishly, and Dean rolled his eyes, but kissed him all the same. “You really shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble.” He hummed, his arms wrapping around the movie star. “When does Charlie move out?” 

“She did last week.” Cas smiled. “It’s been difficult keeping it from you and finding time to help her.”

“I had no idea.” Dean admitted, surprised “How am I ever supposed to top this, Castiel?” He wondered aloud, nudging him in the ribs. 

“I’m not sure I can either.” Cas grinned, and he tugged on Dean’s hand, and together they went back out to join the others. 

 

*

 

While the rest of their afternoon went to plan and they spent the majority of their time laughing and joking, it was obvious to Castiel that the others were concerned about him. It was the little things that gave them away, the odd little look between themselves now and again, the small smiles. Dean had hardly taken his eyes off of him since they’d woken up that morning. Cas couldn’t say he wasn’t grateful. He knew what they were doing and he loved them for it, but while it was hard, hell it was torture not having his mom around, he was at least at peace, because she was too. 

It was with that in mind when he smiled as Jess placed their full dinner plates in front of them that evening. It was with love that he looked around at them all and beamed, because he still had a family who loved him and cared for him and would give up anything to be there for him at a moment’s notice.

He drew his gaze over to Dean, to the man he loved more than anything in the world, and he found once again that his heart swelled at the sight of him with his lips curled into a smile, laughing at some joke that had just left his brother’s lips. He couldn’t imagine ever feeling differently about Dean Winchester. He’d been just as completely besotted with him since he could remember. He’d fallen in love with him before he knew what love was. From the dark blonde hair, to the beautiful green eyes. From his muscled arms, legs, and chest, to that stupidly soft heart in the middle. Dean had always possessed him, mind, body, and soul. 

When the group’s chatter had died down and they’d finished eating, Cas beamed as he paid his compliments to the chefs. Dean had done a better job that he’d have expected. He ought to give him more credit. He caught Sam shooting him a supportive smile, and he suddenly sat upright. 

“Can I just say thank you?” He said abruptly. Dean eyed him curiously for a moment, because he’d completely misunderstood, had decided Castiel had gone mad because he’d already thanked them for the food. “For everything you’ve all done this year.” Castiel continued, and Dean’s expression changed quickly into one of trepidation and anxiety. It wasn’t like Cas to bring it up, he was about as good at talking things through as Dean was himself. “You’ve all been there for me in what has been one of the shittiest years of my life. There have been a few good things to come out of it, don’t get me wrong -” He turned to shoot pointed looks at Dean and at Jess’s bump. “- but on the whole it’s sucked.” 

Dean had started to smile now, and his hand had found Castiel’s under the table. “But.” Cas went on. “It’s almost over, and I know that next year will be the best one yet, because you’re all my family, and we’ve got a lot to look forward to.” 

“Any time, Cas.” Sam was the first to respond, and he was beaming at the movie star. Jess seemed unable to speak, her eyes were welled up with tears but she was smiling nonetheless and nodding her head. Charlie had placed her hand on his arm and had squeezed it, because for all her talk and advice, she wasn’t brilliant with her own emotions, and Dean wondered if she was a bit out of her depth, there was a twinkle in her eye that was giving her away. 

“Damn hormones.” Jess said after a pause, and she laughed as a tear fell from her eye. Cas looked back at her happily, but turned after a brief moment to meet Dean’s gaze, and felt himself swept up in his strength. 

“I love you.” Dean said simply, and when Castiel leant into him he held him close, and pressed a kiss into his hair. 


	36. BAFTA

Before his relationship with Castiel, Dean could never have imagined himself leaving the US. He mused on that fact as the plane taxied on the runway, marking his second arrival into the UK. He shook his head in relief, breathing away the anxiety the flight had dredged up as they stepped off the plane and the fresh air rushed into his lungs. Cas looked over at him and winked, a bright smile on his lips. He’d been more surprised than anyone when Dean had insisted that they make the journey together, but he’d been proud of the personal growth he’d achieved. 

Their coming was, as usual, well publicised, as Castiel was nominated for a BAFTA for his role in Star Wars, and Dean was keen to catch up with the nonprofits he’d been working with a year ago, so it took longer to exit the airport than it had the previous year. They stood hand in hand at the arrival gate as they were swamped by reporters snapping pictures, who lapped it up when Castiel pulled Dean in for a kiss and beamed widely at him. The press would never get enough of that. They were the sort of couple that everyone seemed to love, like Prince William and Kate Middleton, because they’re sticking with the British theme, here. The perfumed journalists were calling out questions, speculations about the new role Castiel had accepted, but was currently completely under wraps, while Naomi ushered them along. The reporters soon gave up the chase as they were bundled into their waiting car and began the short journey back to the hotel they’d left a year before. 

The Ritz looked exactly the same as it had, and Dean found himself relieving old memories with rose tinted glasses as he wandered around the suite, hands in his pockets. It felt a lifetime ago, hiding their relationship from Naomi and sleeping in separate rooms, while Cas slowly descended into depression over his secret. A hand found its way to his lower back, and Dean instinctively leaned back into Castiel, turning his head to the side and catching the nostalgic smile on his lips. Cas looked around as Dean had, his gaze eventually landing on his partner’s. Caught up in the moment, they shared a gentle kiss before Naomi cleared her throat, insisting they get to work. 

 

*

 

A few nights later, they were sat together, dressed in expensive, tailor made suits amongst the crowd of fellow actors and other celebrities at the BAFTAs ceremony, patiently waiting for the winner of Best Supporting Actor, the category Castiel was nominated in, to be announced. The room was grand, old, and large, the theatre inside the Royal Albert Hall, apparently a British landmark (according to Naomi, Dean had no clue). But the glamorous guests, tiered back in rows around the circular room, the grandeur of the structure and design, and the flawlessness of the decor all went unnoticed to Dean. He was there with Castiel, and the movie star was the only thing he cared about in that moment. He squeezed his hand in support, and he was surprised at how clammy his palm felt under his own. He supposed Castiel hadn’t been in the spotlight in such an intense way for a long time, given his little break, and Dean found himself wondering if his better half was actually nervous. 

“And the winner is…” A high pitched, shrill voice exclaimed. “Castiel!” 

Dean grinned and grabbed the actor, pulling him in for a kiss as a camera zoomed in on their faces. Cas was blushing a little as Dean let him go, giving him a playful shove as he exited his seat to make his speech. He walked past the rows and rows of congratulating celebrities as he made his way up to the stage, thanked the host and the presenter, and coyly accepted his award. He paused in front of the microphone, and a thousand eyes watched him eagerly. He’d never really felt nervous about speeches in the past, but it had been some time, and he had to take a deep breath to steady himself. 

“Thank you.” He began, his voice shaking, but only a little. “I don’t think you can quite know how much this means to me. As I’m sure you know…I, uh, haven’t exactly had the best year.” 

He paused, and the crowd sighed with him, the gazes before him sympathetic and proud. It felt weird, being stared at again. He’d hidden away for long enough that he’d almost forgotten what it was like having a thousand eyes trained on you. 

“I’d like to start by apologising, actually, to the cast and crew, because we all know that I was downright miserable the whole time we were shooting. And I know that I was hard work but… well… I’m sure you know why by now. Thank you for putting up with me, and I’m sorry that you had to.” 

“I should pay a special mention to a girl that was on set, a young girl…Poppy, who I was a particularly big jerk to. So if you’re listening to this, Poppy, I’m sorry.” 

There were smiles on the faces of the audience, because of course he’d been forgiven before he even took the stand. And, as Dean would later point out, he probably hadn’t been quite as bad as he’d thought he’d been. Their expressions brought a blush to his cheeks.

“Dean.” He scanned the room, wondering if he could pick out his partner amongst the crowd. He knew roughly whereabouts he was, but he couldn’t pinpoint him. Seeing his face would have helped with these nerves. He was talking from the heart now, because he’d had a prepared speech that had gone straight out of the window and his mind the moment he’d reached the stage. “Dean, I love you, and I don’t know if I would have made it through the year without you. I really, truly don’t.” 

“We were just kids when I fell in love with you. It was before I knew what love was. You were the best part of my life for _so_ many years and, you know I have regrets… so many regrets… but there are so many good memories, too. Obviously I wish things had been different, but I know you’d tell me that if they had then it wouldn’t have worked out the way it did. All that pain has been worth it to finally be with you. So I’ll say it again. Dean, _I love you_.” 

Castiel paused again for an a moment too long, a confused yet enlightened expression on his face. People began to chatter in the audience, cooing over his public display of admiration. “Dean.” He began again, abruptly, with a new determination, nerves suddenly taking a backseat. The audience returned to silence. “Do you remember what you asked me, on our first night together?” 

From the audience, Dean raised his eyebrows. He was blushing furiously where Castiel was gushing about him, and now this? Of course he remembered what he’d asked. He’d tried very hard to forget but he never had. But… surely not. This wasn’t happening, was it? His heart literally skipped a beat, before pounding with intense palpitations. Cas was chewing his lip on the stage, eyes searching the audience desperately, searching for his, and Dean could see his anxiousness even from this far away. He pushed past Naomi and slipped into the aisle, walking quickly towards the stage. As he neared it, Castiel’s eyes finally landed on him, and he could sense the relief within.

The audience sucked in a collective breath as Castiel got down on one knee. 

He had left the microphone on the podium. Dean reached the bottom of the stage, smiling widely, and paused. “Will you marry me?” Cas asked quietly, heart in his mouth. 

Dean nodded with a broad grin as he climbed the steps, pulled Castiel to his feet, and kissed him fiercely. 

The audience erupted in cheers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written an epilogue. I literally just can't stop. Someone please send help.


	37. Engagement

His back slammed against the door when Cas pushed him against it. It smarted a little, particularly where the wood was angled and intricately decorated and had pressed into his spine, but all he cared about at the moment was the tongue in his mouth and the man to whom it belonged. 

Dean let out a long groan as Castiel’s hands went to his hips and one darted tantalisingly over the hard on he was sporting in his suit pants. The hand worked its way up then, pulled on his buttons until his abdomen was exposed and his fingers grabbed at it like they were never going to touch anything again. Castiel played with a nipple and Dean gasped, his mouth falling away from his fiancé’s as he let his head fall back against the door. Castiel’s lips instead went to work on his ear and his neck, and Dean had the vague memory of teaching him those tricks a lifetime ago but his cock throbbed where Cas’s teeth were on his earlobe and he groaned at the sensation. 

Without further warning he was pulled forward, but just enough that Cas could undress him. His suit jacket was thrown across the room, landing somewhere in the corner, and he might have laughed when his shirt was tossed too, and landed perfectly on one of the bed’s four posters like a white flag hailing his surrender to this sex god of a man. He might have laughed, but the hand that darted back down to his dick gave him other ideas. 

Castiel swiftly undid the buttons on his lover’s pants, and pushed them hastily down, eager to get Dean naked already. The boxers were quick to follow, and he felt so completely overcome with lust that he was unsure what he wanted to do first when that perfect cock was exposed. He kissed Dean again while he weighed up his options, because he wanted everything tonight. It had to be special. His hands darted down to his pants and he undid his own, shimmying the fabric down his legs.

Putting his hands between Dean’s thighs, Cas lifted, and Dean got the message, wrapping his legs around Castiel’s waist as he was pulled up from the ground. Cas kissed him again, his tongue working quickly and powerfully against Dean’s own and eliciting a groan from his lover’s throat. With a grin, Cas pulled gently away, and let his hand roam across Dean’s soft skin, a finger teasing as it arrived at his hole. He pushed it inside when Dean angled himself, and he watched that painful pleasure spread across his expression, his head still lolling backwards, overcome by the sensations. 

By now, Castiel was a certified professional. He’d had a year of making Dean come apart underneath him, and tonight was going to be no exception. Tonight, he was going to achieve the unachievable and do something that he hadn’t managed to do in a long time. Tonight was all about Dean.  

Castiel crooked his finger back and dragged, eliciting the curse words he was awarded when he’d done it right. He pushed the next finger in with haste, and when he rubbed Dean’s prostate with both his lover shivered, and his cock gave a little twitch just inches from his face, precome beginning to pearl at the tip. His own length was screaming out, painfully neglected and physically dripping, but it was not going to get the better of him, because he could do this. 

 _Oh god._ Dean was saying. _Oh god please Cas please baby fuck please fuck me._ But his appeals were fruitless, because it wasn’t time yet. It wouldn’t be time until he was screaming out and coming all over them both. 

He was refusing even to kiss his lover, because the expression on his face as Castiel fucked his fingers inside of him was too delicious to miss. And when he shoved in a third finger for good measure, Dean shuddered and his mouth hung open. His cock hadn’t been touched in a good few minutes and it was leaking out a stream, now, but he was getting there just like this, and when he was denied like tonight it was always so worth it because the finish was a million times better.

Cas was finding it difficult to hang on. It was hard to keep his hips steady and not fuck forward and either put his cock up Dean’s ass or just push it against his body because he was so ridiculously turned on and so close to bursting. Dean though, was closer. Dean’s control had always been second to his own, and when he started to gasp Cas knew he was nearly there, that he just needed tipping over the edge. He fucked a fourth finger into his lover and stretched before he pulled back down against his prostate with force. 

Dean cried out as he was overcome, and Castiel quickly pulled out, keeping him at the edge. His back arched up and Cas pushed him up higher, pausing for a few seconds before he grabbed his own cock and settled him down onto it. Dean screamed out his name as he was filled up while almost coming or maybe coming because he wasn’t sure right now but it felt like complete ecstasy and even better when his fiancé began to thrust powerfully. He was moaning out because his prostate was still being smacked from the inside and he was twitching because it still felt so good, and his dick was still dry and rock hard even though he felt like he’d come already. 

Between thrusts Cas kissed him again, and wrapped his fingers around the base of Dean’s still hard cock. He wasn’t quite sure if it had worked or not but he was going to get him off again because fuck the refractory period he loved this man and he wanted him to know about it. 

 _Fuck fuck fuck_. Was the only word Dean could remember right about now. Castiel was pumping into his ass and milking his cock and staring up at him with eyes so dark and lust blown he could barely see the blue of his iris. _Please god. Please._

There was no way he was going to make it, there was no way he could hold on any longer because his ass was _so fucking tight tonight_ and his cock was leaking and slippery and he was so uncoordinated because he was _so fucking close_. Cas was gasping in his breaths, could feel the fire in his skin just waiting to burn him up, could feel the ice in his lungs ready to seize them. He was about to end this, about to bottom out one final time but his eyes went wide with relief and pleasure when his lover suddenly came, and Dean shook out his orgasm, writhing atop his cock and splattering his come across his own chest and Cas’s shirt while he pumped in and gave out, filling him up internally. 

The only sounds that Dean could make after he’d come down were incoherent. Cas put his arms underneath his lover’s and lifted, pulling back from the door and shuffling over to the bed, his cock still inside him as Dean clung on with his hands and his legs. They collapsed down in a sweaty, messy heap, and his fiancé grimaced when his dick softened and slipped out of his hole, leaving him empty and leaking. 

“That was amazing.” Dean managed some time later. “I don’t know what you did but it felt like I came twice.” Castiel just looked pleased with himself.

 

*

 

_Was it a dream?_

It certainly felt like it could have been, but he hoped it was real. When Dean woke and opened his eyes, he turned his head, smiling at the sight of Castiel asleep behind him, his arm stretched out awkwardly where it had rested under Dean’s head. His eyes were still firmly closed, lashes fluttering in the midst of some dream. He had an old t-shirt on, ridden up slightly near his hips, and Dean smiled, remembering him dragging it over his skin after they’d had sex. He’d complained about the chill. It was February, after all, and London was bitterly cold. 

Perhaps it wasn’t a dream. His eyes cast around the room, and landed on his suit jacket, tossed over a chair, on his shirt, hanging limply around one of the bed’s posters, where it had fallen when Castiel had ripped it off of him the night before. Dean reached out to the side table and grabbed his cell phone, quickly inputting their names into Google and smiling at the news results that confirmed he hadn’t dreamt it at all. They really were engaged. 

Behind him, Castiel stirred awake. His eyes flashed open, settling on Dean’s bare back, and on the illumination from the cell’s screen. He leant forward quickly, chin finding Dean’s shoulder with a smile, and beamed as he saw the news page in front of him. He dragged his body closer so they were pressed flush together, and Dean melted into his touch as he kissed his cheek, turning to briefly connect their lips. 

“Morning.” Dean whispered when Cas pulled back to look into his deep green eyes. 

Castiel beamed back at him. “Good morning, fiancé.”

Dean’s whole face contorted into a bright smile, and he rolled onto his back to see Cas better. “It really wasn’t a dream.” 

“It really wasn’t.” Cas agreed. 

“You’re sure?” Dean asked quietly, a sudden nervousness underlining his tone. 

Cas raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? Of course I’m sure you idiot.” He dipped down and stole a quick kiss. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my life than I was last night.” He admitted. 

“Had you planned it?” Dean asked curiously. He was almost annoyed that Cas had got there first, he’d been wanting to propose for some time, but he’d always chickened out whenever there was an appropriate moment. He’d been turned down the first time after all. 

“Not really.” Cas shrugged. “I knew I wanted to marry you, I just needed the right time to ask. I wanted to ask you at Christmas but Naomi made me promise I’d do it in public.” He rolled his eyes.  “Plus then, you’d never have topped my Christmas gift.”

“I still won’t!” Dean grinned. He was surprised by Castiel’s admission. “You talked to Naomi about it?”

“Yeah.” Cas answered. “A while ago. She’s not all bad.” 

“I know.” Dean smiled. “I’m just gutted you beat me to it.”

Cas grinned in response, and kissed him deeply. “You were planning, too?” He smiled harder when Dean nodded. “Now we’re going to have to fight.” Cas said, and Dean raised his eyebrows in confusion. “Over who gets Sam as best man.” 

Dean scoffed a laugh. “Well he’s my brother, and I was his best man, so…” 

“That’s a compelling argument.” Castiel grinned. “I can’t imagine having anyone as my best man except for you.” 

“I can’t be your best man, Cas, you’re marrying me.” Dean laughed, poking his fiancé in the ribs.

“Why don’t I have Sam, and you have Charlie?” Cas suggested. 

“Charlie’s a girl! She can’t be a best man.” Dean protested, eyes still lit up with laughter. 

“Or we could just have Sam as _our_ best man, and have Charlie and Jess as… I don’t know what the equivalent of bridesmaids are but that. Maids of honour or something.” 

Dean grinned. “I like that idea.” 

“How many people from home do you want to invite?” Cas asked with a smile. 

“Not many.” Dean shrugged. “There’re a couple of people from Bobby’s… but as long as our friends are there I don’t care. How many of your celebrity friends will you want to invite?” 

“Want to and have to are different things.” Castiel sighed. “I guess I better talk to Naomi, but would you prefer a smaller ceremony or a big party?” 

“I’d prefer it to be small, but as long as I’m marrying you, I’m easy.” 

Cas hummed as Dean lifted his head off the pillow to kiss him happily, but he retreated before things could get heated. “You need to call Sam.” He reminded him. 

“Can’t it wait?” Dean complained, gripping Cas’s shirt and trying to pull him back down. 

There was a knock on the door and Dean wrinkled his nose in annoyance. “No.” Cas whispered. “And Naomi won’t either.” 

 

*

 

After they were showered and dressed, they joined Naomi in the dining room for their room service breakfast, and she wore an unsure expression while they ate, Dean tucking in to waffles with maple syrup and bacon, Cas sticking to granola and fruit. Dean could tell she she had something on the tip of her tongue. She was waiting patiently, but there was an agitated tension in the way she held herself that morning that she only showed when she was formulating a plan. A glance across to Castiel proved that he’d noticed too. He was watching her with an air of caution. 

As Castiel put down his spoon and started on a piece of melon, Dean met Naomi’s eye.

“What do you want to say, Naomi?” He asked, feeling a little irritable. He knew where the conversation was headed, and he wished, however foolishly, that she would stay out of it. They would be so lucky. This was a field day for her. 

“Well congratulations on your engagement, for starters.” Naomi responded petulantly, her eyes narrowing slightly in annoyance. Cas kicked Dean’s shin under the table and he winced, shooting him a glare. “We’ve had a large volume of gifts and cards already, in the other room. But we should discuss your plans for the wedding.”

Castiel swallowed the bite of melon in his mouth and took a sip of his coffee. “Ok, let’s get it over with.”

Naomi pursed her lips, but continued after a deep breath. “You need to be careful about who you choose to include in the wedding party.” She said sternly. 

“We’ve already decided.” Cas wiped his mouth on a napkin and placed it down on his empty plate. “We just want Sam, Jess, and Charlie.” 

Naomi sucked in a breath but held back a retort. “We can think about that later.” She said pointedly, and Cas rolled his eyes while Dean sat uncomfortably still. “Have you decided when you want to have the wedding?” 

“Whenever.” Cas shrugged, turning to Dean. “Any preference?” 

“I don’t mind. Don’t weddings take about two years to plan?” 

Naomi scoffed. “If you don’t have a manager to do it for you. And you have to save the money.” 

Castiel glared at her. “We can get married whenever, Dean, we’ve got the money, we just need to decide on the details.” 

Dean blushed. “You’ve got the money.” He corrected, a little irritable. 

“What’s mine is yours.” Castiel said pointedly, aware that Dean was still struggling with the inequality of it.

Dean realised how ungrateful he sounded and sighed. “Yeah, sorry. I guess the sooner the better, then. Actually… I suppose we ought to wait until summer at least, so that Jess has had the baby.” 

“Good point.” Cas agreed. “Maybe June?” 

“June.” Dean smiled. 

Naomi breathed a sigh of slight relief. “Any idea where you’d like to hold it? Florence is popular for weddings.” She suggested.

“I think it had better be in LA.” Cas said quickly, when the colour drained from Dean’s face at the thought of the flight to Italy, even longer than the trip here to London.  

“Really, Dean?” Naomi asked pointedly. 

Dean ran a hand over his face, another blush returning to fill the blank colour. “We can do it anywhere, Cas. Wherever you like. I’ll be fine.”

Cas leant subconsciously closer to him. “You don’t have to do that, I want you to be comfortable.” 

“He’s got a lot better.” Naomi pointed out. She was watching Dean with a knowing expression, and Cas narrowed his eyes, wondering what he was missing. Dean turned to look at him, embarrassed. 

“I’ve been having counselling.” He admitted, so quietly that Castiel almost couldn’t hear. “Naomi told me you’d been turning down roles that involved travelling and I don’t want to be the thing that holds you back, Cas.” 

“Dean… you didn’t have to…” Castiel trailed off, not knowing quite what to say but touched by the gesture. He still didn’t know what had happened on the plane, why Dean had such a fear of flying, and it bugged him every goddamned day. He’d find the courage to ask one day.

“I did, Cas.” Dean smiled, eager to change the subject. He would tell him, one day, but definitely alone. “Why don’t we get married here in London? I mean, it was the first place we came together, we announced our relationship here, we got engaged here, I don’t know, it feels kinda right?” 

“Here?” Cas smiled brightly. “Are you sure?” 

Dean nodded, and Naomi’s lips curled into a tight smile, almost proud, but Castiel was too busy smiling at his fiancé to have noticed. 

“I’d love that.” Cas grinned. 

“Ok, so London.” Naomi agreed. “Why not this hotel?” 

Dean and Castiel exchanged a glance and nodded in agreement. 

“Great, so we’re getting somewhere.” Naomi smiled, and she almost looked actually happy. “And what about magazines, Castiel, are you going to do an exclusive, or a multi-deal?” 

“Do we have to have any?” Cas protested. “Can’t we just have something small?” 

Naomi rolled her eyes, she’d preempted this reaction, and had her speech prepared. “You don’t _have_ to, Castiel, but you’d be an idiot not to. Look, at the moment, everyone loves the two of you. Everyone will want to see you get married, and they will pay you thousands for the privilege. And before you start.” She shut Cas down before he could interrupt. “I know it’s not about the money, but it _is_ about the publicity. You have very famous friends, Castiel, and you know you have to invite them, and if you invite them it’s suddenly a very big deal, and it would be stupid to pass up this opportunity. It’ll still be your day, but you can’t hold a wedding at the Ritz in London without attracting attention. Sometimes I wonder if you realise how famous you are.” 

Rubbing his eyes with his hands, Cas sighed unhappily. Dean squeezed his arm, having accepted this as the likely outcome well before the conversation had even started. “It’s ok, Cas.” He smiled reassuringly.  

“Is it?” Cas muttered, irritable. “It’s not what you want.” 

“Cas, I just want to marry you. I couldn’t care less who’s watching and who isn’t. You’re you. I knew this was part of the deal when I left Kansas, and I still left.” 

Castiel groaned, but when he turned to face Dean he shot him a smile. 

“I’ll cut you a deal.” Naomi said firmly. “You get to choose the wedding party, but I get the final say on the guests.” 

With Castiel’s eyes solely on him, Dean nodded, smiling. “Fine.” Cas agreed finally. 

Naomi sat back in her seat in victory, and as Dean watched her he couldn’t help but think she’d planned that conversation, and that they’d fallen into her trap. He supposed that it didn’t matter really, it would be difficult to wed a Hollywood actor without some compromise, and a private ceremony was probably a pipe dream when they were as famous as they were. And actually, the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to rub it in everyone’s faces, the fact that Castiel was wholly, completely his. Cas still looked put out and disappointed, and he chewed his lip while Naomi pulled out her diary to look at free weekends in June. Dean nudged him and beamed when their eyes met. 

“Cas, none of this matters, we’re getting married.” He said happily, and watched as Cas’s lips drew into a wide smile. 

When Naomi went to make enquiries about the middle weekend of the month, Dean pulled his chair closer to his fiancé’s. “It honestly doesn’t matter.” He insisted, hand reaching out to cup Cas’s cheek, long fingers stroking his jawline, catching on his slight stubble. Cas’s hand found its way to the back of his neck and pulled gently, and Dean caught him in a kiss, lingering over his bottom lip as he drew back slightly. “I’ll just have to get better at public speaking before I can do a speech.” He grinned. 

“I just want everything to be perfect for you.” Cas whispered, pressing their foreheads together. 

“As long as you’re marrying me, Castiel, it will be.” 

Naomi returned moments later, a victorious, smug smile across her lips. “I’ve secured that weekend, Castiel, I assume that’s ok with you both. It’s two hundred thousand British pounds for the venue, which is probably… maybe two hundred and fifty thousand dollars?” 

Cas just nodded while Dean’s jaw dropped to the floor. “How much?” He asked, aghast. 

“It sounds like a lot, doesn’t it.” Naomi laughed. “But you’ll probably make money from the wedding, particularly if you play the magazines right. Obviously that’s just the venue, there’s a lot of extra costs to factor in.” 

“That’s not all of it?” Dean asked, astounded. 

Cas grinned, and nudged him in the ribs. “Don’t think about the money.” 

“It’s kinda hard not to when I haven’t got anywhere near as much as you.” Dean protested. 

“You’ve got a fair amount yourself now.” Naomi reminded him. “But come on, what else has he got to spend it on? He’s got far too many toys already. You know how much he got paid for Star Wars, and he got four times as much for Henry VII.” 

Dean whined, knowing he was beaten. Cas smiled, and rubbed his back with his hand. “We need to call your brother, now we’ve got a date, and Charlie too.” 

“You may want to give it a few more hours.” Naomi smirked, checking the clock app on her phone. “It’s 4am in Kansas.” 

 

*

 

“Well I must say, Dean, it’s been lovely knowing you were going to be on the show.” Graham laughed shortly after he had been introduced and had taken his seat on that red couch. It was so weird, being back on this set after what had happened here last time, and he was lounged back more comfortably than he’d have ever said he would have.

“It’s been nice knowing I was going to be here, too.” Dean grinned in response. There were other guests to his side, a pair of British actors he didn’t know (a guy and a girl), and one of the kids that was in Harry Potter (Tom Felton, who’d played Malfoy), that he was having a secret inner fanboy moment over. “Funny how things change.” He chuckled, and the audience were laughing too. 

“So, congratulations of course, on your engagement!” Graham beamed, and Dean felt his cheeks go pink at the embarrassment, because he was so head over heels in love and he couldn’t even try and stop himself from showing it. His lips had already curled up into a smile without his permission and the audience were literally cooing at him. He was so goddamned cringeworthy, it was like something out of a chick flick. 

“Yeah, thanks.” He said, a little awkwardly but still wearing that grin he couldn’t control. 

“Was it a surprise?” Graham probed. 

“Completely.” He admitted. “Truth be told I’d been planning to ask him myself and I hadn’t even thought about the fact that he might get there first.” 

“Were you jealous that he beat you to it?” 

“Totally gutted.” Dean laughed. He turned his head to look backstage and there was Cas, sure enough, hovering on the edge like always with that shit-eating grin across his lips. He’d have to wipe that smirk off later. Castiel blew him a kiss and he blushed even fucking harder. 

They spent a little while talking about the work he’d been doing over the last few weeks since he’d joined back up with the nonprofits. They played his new commercial, and on this one he’d actually managed to get his words out without Cas standing with him. Perhaps he really was healing at last, he wondered while he watched himself speaking confidently. He thought back to the past and it was still painful, but it wasn’t quite so raw as it had been. The therapy had definitely helped.

As the host’s attentions turned to the other guests and they exchanged banter and Dean quipped in with comments of his own, and he realised he was completely comfortable. He even managed to drop in a reference to Slytherin which had Tom Felton laughing and he was cringing, because there was no way Sammy wasn’t going to tear him up for that at a later point. Every time he chanced a look back at Castiel his heart warmed at the bright smile on his face, because it had finally happened, hadn’t it? Thirty years gone but they were finally happy. 

When his gaze lingered a little too long on his fiancé’s grin the show’s presenter began following his stare, even though he knew that Cas was back there and he knew exactly what Dean was looking at, he was still keen to milk their happiness for what it was worth. 

“Come and join us, Castiel.” He said, encouraging, and although Cas was hardly dressed as smartly as he usually would be, today just in a band t-shirt and jeans instead of the suit he’d normally have put on, he shrugged when Dean nodded, and after a crew member fitted him with a microphone he stepped out onto the stage, to the deafening cheer of an audience getting more than they had expected. Dean threw an arm around him as he sat down next to him, and he smiled, relaxing against him as Dean kissed his cheek. 

“It’s wonderful to see how things have progressed in the year since we saw you last.” Graham said, and there was the hum of an agreement from the audience. The other guests leaned forward to offer their congratulations, and the male British actor, (who was only in his early twenties and whose name Dean would actually catch at some point), started praising Castiel for his acting skill, and Cas went all goopy and embarrassed at being caught off guard, and then they were all laughing and poking fun at him for it. 

“Sorry.” The guy said. “I didn’t mean to get all fanboy on you!” 

“It’s fine!” Castiel breathed, his head in his hands and covering his still pink cheeks. Dean was having a fantastic time, teasing the hell out of Cas and still getting in a few laughs of his own. 

The conversation turned a few minutes later, and the British guy, whose name was… was it Rick? (The girl was definitely called Beth, and she was his co-star). Shit he was so bad at this, started talking about a new BBC drama they were promoting, and how it focused on the lives of teenagers in some rough part of this country. Still, Dean figured. They probably didn’t have it so rough as he did. 

They played a clip, and the show actually looked pretty good. He kinda wanted to know if the guy bought the drugs and if the girl Beth was playing got with the other girl. It looked like there was a lot of sex in the show. Someone made a joke about how teenagers were permanently horny and he knew he shouldn’t have but he looked up at Cas and the look they exchanged had them in a fit of unconfined laughter because of course, they were teenagers together, and damn straight they’d been horny all the fucking time. Everyone else seemed to have missed the joke, though, and by the time they’d calmed down enough he knew he’d have to fucking explain as well, because Castiel was back to beetroot red (almost his permanent shade, at the moment). 

“Sorry.” He said simply, and pursed his lips, but he should have known they’d not drop it, and when Graham asked him why they’d been laughing Cas just nudged him and he was grinning wildly again at the memories of their past. “Castiel was always horny as a teenager.” He smirked, dropping his best friend in the world right in it and leaving out the obvious part where he was just as permanently turned on, if not more so, when you consider how ridiculously sexy Castiel was every goddamned day. 

At his side, Castiel’s eyes went wide and shot his husband-to-be a very dirty look as he protested, informing the crowd that Dean had been far worse, with an almost permanent… (Castiel had trailed off and not actually said the word boner on stage) while everyone around them laughed. 

“We were as bad as each other.” Dean insisted. “I mean holy crap, Cas. Most of the stuff I did was with you anyway.” 

Castiel just shrugged, running a hand through his hair as he tried to get his composure back under control. He loved how human Dean was on stage, but sometimes, he _hated_ how human Dean was on stage. He felt pretty horny right now, thinking back to some of the things they’d done during their whole, friends with benefits phase. He remembered how exciting it had been, exploring each other for the first time. He just wished he’d known then that Dean had felt the same way, that it hadn’t been all in his head, but Dean would only have freaked out sooner if he’d found out. 

“Too much information for everyone else, Dean.” Castiel chuckled, but he leant over to kiss his lips when Dean grinned at him. 

“So you were getting it on even as teenagers, then?” The British guy, who Dean’s just gunna call Rick because honestly this is just getting embarrassing, teased. And while Castiel blushed, Dean just nodded. 

“Basically.” Dean admitted, and Castiel’s hands went to his face because he was losing literally all his street cred while this went on. Maybe having Dean do these interviews had been a bad idea. “We used to practice kissing… and then eventually other stuff.” Dean laughed, enjoying embarrassing the movie star, apparently he had no shame of his own. 

“Alright, Dean, enough.” Cas begged, but he was still smiling, so Dean was reassured he hadn’t pushed him too far. 

The host somehow managed to steer the conversation in a more safe for work direction, and after a few minutes of general chit chat Castiel’s blush had completely faded. Graham was talking for a while, continuing to explore the different themes of the BBC drama that by now Dean had decided he definitely wanted to watch, discussing how difficult it must have been for Rick and Beth to be playing side by side but ending up with different people, because apparently they were together, and had been for a few years already. 

“I think you just get used to it.” Beth was saying. “It’s just part of the job. I can’t punch every one of my co-stars for having to kiss him, after all.” 

Dean laughed, because he knew the feeling. He was a bit more relaxed now about the idea of Cas shooting romantic scenes with other people, but the first time he’d ever seen Cas in a movie (it had been accidental, he’d ended up on a date with a girl who’d picked it and Cas had only had a minor role) he’d had a panic attack while also wanting to murder the girl on screen who had her lips on his. 

“So we’ve had a few people from the audience submit questions for you two.” Graham was saying to Beth and Rick. “And we thought it would be fun if we turn it into a bit of a game, sort of like ‘The Newlywed Game’.” 

Dean felt Castiel’s fingers squeeze into his side and he was thinking exactly the same thing. They both knew where this was headed. 

“Perhaps, Dean, Castiel, you could join in too?” _Yep, there it is_. “So if the two couples stand and go back to back…” Graham explained, and they did what they were told, stepping off the couch and turning so that their backs were against one another’s. Tom Felton made a joke about being a complete fifth wheel and they were all chuckling. 

“So if you think the statement applies to you, then you drink. If you don’t, you don’t. But if neither or both of you drink, you drink again.” Graham explained the rules, and Dean could feel Castiel shaking his head at what a bad idea this was. They watched as several audience members made their way to the stage and were handed microphones. 

“Which of you is the most attractive?” The first audience member, a thirty-something year old woman with a messy bun on her head asked with a wicked grin on her lips. 

Dean paused, and held his wine steady. Castiel was definitely more attractive than he was. One hundred percent. From where he was stood he could see Rick and Beth, and laughed when Rick shrugged and Beth drank confidently. The audience were pointing though, and laughing at him, because as it turned out, Castiel hadn’t drunk either. 

“Cas you are definitely more attractive!” Dean protested, but Cas was spouting a similar sort of nonsense and Dean just rolled his eyes as he lifted his glass to his lips. 

“Who is the messiest?” Came the next question from a much older woman whose hair had greyed. 

Well that was definitely an easy one. He could feel Cas almost shaking with laughter behind him as he raised his glass and sipped his wine with a smirk. Across the stage, Rick had drunk too. 

“Who made the first move in your relationship?” A man in his mid-twenties was next to ask his question. 

That one was a little more tricky, but, Dean supposed, he kissed first, so he took a sip, but as it hit his lips he felt Castiel doing the same behind him. 

“I kissed you first.” He reminded his fiancé as he turned to face him. 

“Only after I told you I was in love with you.” Cas pointed out. “You had your head up your ass before that.” Dean grinned and snatched a kiss from Castiel’s lips while the audience cooed at them. They both took another drink as they turned back around for the final question. 

“Who takes control in the bedroom?” A middle-aged man asked with a shit-eating grin. 

Dean could barely contain his laughter, and could picture his lover’s bright red face as he felt Cas’s arm raise his glass behind his back. Beth looked shocked at the admission, had barely even registered Rick drinking from his own glass. 

“Really, Castiel? You surprise me!” She said. “You seem so sweet!” 

“He is definitely not sweet when he’s in the mood.” Dean grinned, and he’d have opened his mouth again but Castiel’s elbow had found its way to his rib and he winced instead, still laughing. This was one of his favourite things, he’d decided, embarrassing his fiancé in public. 

“Dean!” Castiel warned, his face just as red as Dean had imagined. But there was laughter in his eyes and a dangerous smile on his lips. Dean had the impression that he was gunna be paying for this tonight. Whatever Cas was cooking up in his mind, he couldn’t wait. Cas held his hands up in surrender, looking at the floor through mortification, although when Dean nudged him he shot him a grin. 

The show was drawn to a close not long after, and Castiel was still a little red when they were ushered off of the stage. Naomi was caught up talking to the producers about ‘tasteful editing’ while  Castiel and Dean made their way quickly back to their dressing room. Cas locked the door as soon as they were inside, and with a hand on his husband-to-be’s chest he pushed, so that Dean found himself sitting on the small couch just inside, looking up at Castiel curiously. 

Cas wasted no time in getting what he wanted, because he’d been put through enough this evening, and now it was Dean’s turn. His hands dipped quickly into his lap and expertly opened up his zipper, dragging his boxers down just enough to pull his dick out. Dean watched with a dumbfounded expression while Cas wrapped his lips around his cock and he had to hold back a moan of pleasure as it filled with blood inside his lover’s mouth. What the hell was Cas playing at? They definitely didn’t have time for a quickie. 

With a roll of his tongue, Cas licked and sucked and Dean felt his back arching, trying to press further into his fiancé’s throat. Cas took him down, bringing his hand up to squeeze the base of his cock and massage everything that didn’t fit, and fuck if he kept this up Dean would be over the edge in no time. But he’d never been lucky, and Castiel pulled off with a pop when the doorknob twisted, hailing Naomi’s arrival. 

Hastily, Dean tucked his aching cock back inside his pants, shooting Cas a glare as he went to the door and unlocked it as soon as Dean was decent. The actor looked genuinely confused when Naomi stepped inside, made an excuse - _must have locked it accidentally_ \- and Dean was reminded of the talent inside the man he loved because he was so believable at that moment. It was only when Cas turned to look at him, behind Naomi’s back, and shot him a look that said _serves you right_ , that Dean chewed his lip, because it had been the bastard’s plan all along, to wind him up. He’d have blue balls by the time they made it back to the Ritz, he was sure. 

The little shit would be the death of him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much left to go now. It's crazy to believe I've actually reached the end lol! I'll hopefully be updating Friday and then the last chapter on Monday, and I'll publish the first chapter of the prequel at the same time and link it up so it's easy enough to find (if you even want to read it after this whole mess lol!). More fluff incoming, don't worry! 
> 
> As always thanks for the continued support! You guys have been amazing.


	38. Lily Marie

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

_Breathe, you idiot._  

Despite the pain in his lungs, Dean forced himself to keep walking. One foot in front of the other. The other foot in front of that foot. He knew damn well that Cas was worried. He knew damn well that Cas could see exactly what was going on in his stupid head. He wished he was less of a coward. A slither of air washed in as he moved his leg, and he realised that his pace had slowed to a crawl, that Castiel’s arm was around his shoulder in support. He felt himself stop moving, felt his legs cease up and his lungs stop inflating. The air was painfully cold, cutting at his throat as he desperately tried to suck it in. The next thing he knew, Cas had dragged him into a room off to the side. He didn’t think they should be in here, it was full of chemicals, sharps boxes, linen bins and used transfusion bags. There definitely would have been a sign on the door that said staff only. 

When Castiel lowered him to the floor, their eyes met, and Dean tried to focus in on him, tried to dispel the stupid black dots that were in the way, tried to look into the blue eyes he loved so fucking much. Cas’s fingers were against his cheek, stroking gently, and he was whispering reassurances that he couldn’t hear over the pounding of his heart in his ears. His hand was lifted to rest on Castiel’s chest and he felt the soothing rhythm of his inhalations. When he allowed the oxygen in, the dots started to clear, and he could see the concerned smile written on his fiancé’s face. He could see the pain too. It wasn’t quite enough, and even when Cas pressed a kiss to his forehead he was choking, still struggling to get the air down. 

He wondered briefly if his heart could actually explode, because it honestly felt like it might. 

Castiel’s lips found his and suddenly that was all that mattered. He kissed back, and when they broke apart the air pulled in, and his head fell back against the wall. He was shaking with fear, and Cas bent over him to hold him close while he gathered himself. They might have been sat there for ten minutes or more before anything changed. 

Their interruption came in the form of a nurse, a middle-aged, greying lady, who bumbled her way into the room and frowned when she took in the shape of the two huddled men. 

“Can I help you?” Dean heard her ask with a suspicious tone. Yep, they were definitely not supposed to be in here. Castiel looked up with guilt on his face, and her eyes narrowed in recognition and surprise when she realised who she was addressing. Her head tilted slightly in confusion, and as she processed the fact her lips moved again. “Winchester… you’re… Jessica, she’s your sister-in-law?” She said in surprises, eyes on Dean. 

“Yes.” Castiel answered for him. He was still half panicked, his heart was still pounding away, so he was grateful for the interference. “I’m sorry, I know we’re not meant to be in here, but he’s… uh… he’s just a bit freaked out.” Cas tried to explain. 

“Are you ok?” The nurse asked them both warmly, edging closer. Cas looked back at Dean, and was relieved when he nodded. 

“Yeah.” He breathed.

“Come on, I’ll show you to them.” The nurse had a kind face, and Dean felt somehow comfortable in agreeing to go with her. Castiel didn’t leave his side, arm on his back as they climbed up and made their way out of the utility room, strolling through the ward and turning into a small room with an en-suite bathroom and three beds, all secluded by fabric patterned curtains. The sound of crying babies was filling the room, and had it not been for the gentle traction of Castiel’s hand on his back as he encouraged him closer, Dean might have fled. 

“I hope I’m not interrupting.” The nurse smiled as she poked her head behind one of the curtains. She pulled them back enough to gesture Dean and Castiel inside. “You have visitors.” 

As they stepped forward into the space behind the curtain, Castiel thought his own heart might stop. He wondered if he was on the verge of a panic attack of his own. He had no idea how Dean was going to react, and it was terrifying him. He knew rationally that he would probably be fine, but his reactions so far had been less than predictable. He just had to hope that Dean was more scared of the idea than the fact. 

Lips curled into a smile when Sam looked up to catch his brother’s eye. He grinned, a stupidly happy, perfectly content grin, and for a split second Castiel could actually tell that they were brothers. They looked nothing alike, except for right now. He’d seen that smile on Dean only a few times, but he knew what it meant. Perfect completeness. His eyes dropped to Sam’s arms, and he smiled back as he caught sight of the pink bundle he was cradling. Sam was bouncing the baby girl as proudly as only a happy father could, and she was sound asleep in his arms. Cas looked up to Jess, noted how even though she looked tired, there was a radiance in her skin, a beauty he’d not seen in her before this moment. She beamed back at him, proud and content. 

When he looked to his side, relief washed over him. Dean was watching Sam with a mixture of amazement, pride, and something Cas couldn’t pinpoint. But he wasn’t freaking out, he wasn’t running away, and he didn’t look like he was going to any time soon. There were tears in his eyes, and when Cas let out a happy laugh he glanced up and grinned in his direction, letting himself fall into Cas’s one-armed hug as they stood together with their family. 

Sam made sure Dean was seated before placing his daughter in her uncle’s arms. Castiel perched on the side of the bed with Jess, squeezing her hand as they watched the scene unfolding with love swollen hearts. Dean looked down at the tiny baby he held close, at her pink skin, at her closed eyes, her fair hair, and wondered how anything could ever be so small and so perfect, and how anyone could ever want to hurt something so pure. He wondered how he’d ever thought he’d take after his father. 

As Castiel watched him holding the little girl, looking down at her like she was the only thing in the world that mattered, like he would personally destroy anything that tried to hurt her, something in his stomach churned, and some emotion, some deep down forgotten desire throbbed uncomfortably in his gut. Some paternal instinct he hadn’t know he’d ever had. At that exact moment, Jess looked up at him, as if she could sense his discomfort, and her hand found his arm, a light squeeze reassuring him that his reaction was normal. He loved Dean, and maybe one day they _could_ have a family. 

“We’re calling her Lily.” Sam said quietly. “Lily Marie. Like mom.” 

If Dean could have smiled any brighter he would have at that moment, and Cas wasn’t sure he’d ever see him so happy again. He wanted to kiss him, wanted to be closer to him, but it was perfect just as it was. Dean was touched at the variation of his mother’s name. He hadn’t ever really gotten to know Mary, but even so he’d known her more than Sam had. He’d been just a baby when he’d pulled him out of that burning house. He’d been just as small as the girl in his arms. Although, he thought, with a smile to himself, the tall man probably wasn’t ever quite this small. 

 

*

 

When the car had picked them up, without a hitch, and they’d climbed into the back together, their smiles were still as bright as ever. Dean beamed down at the floor, feeling almost shy about how elated he felt. Cas watched him happily, resisting the urge to pull him close and hug or kiss him because it was such a change to see him so happy, to feel so happy himself. This was the break they’d deserved. 

As Dean looked up he met Castiel’s gaze, and, falling head over heels all over again, he leant into him, taking from his lips as he drank in his taste. Castiel hummed as they pulled apart, and his hand found Dean’s cheek, his thumb stroked his jaw. For a long moment they were silent, perfectly happy in each other’s eyes, but for a brief second a new, unreadable expression claimed Castiel’s face, and Dean’s eyebrows furrowed lightly, still smiling as he wondered what his fiancé was feeling. 

“What?” Dean whispered when Castiel remained silent. Cas shook his head gently, one half of his mouth still curved in a smile that lit up his eyes. Dean held his gaze as he repeated his question, but his smile slowly faded when Cas refused to answer, until Cas rolled his eyes and sucked in a slow breath. 

“It’s nothing.” He said quietly, smile now forced.

“Cas, come on.” Dean pleaded, unsure what he was holding back. 

“It’s just… seeing Sam and Jess with Lily… it made me think about our future.” Cas whispered, resigned. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, but Dean was insistent, and maybe honesty would be better than silence. They probably wouldn’t ever find a better time to talk about this stuff otherwise.

He wondered whether he’d made a mistake when Dean’s silence continued for far longer than he’d have liked. His husband-to-be had looked away, was taking in slightly shallowed breaths as he played with his fingers in his lap. Dean felt suddenly uncomfortable, but managed to keep control. He’d been so much better than he’d expected, having instantly fallen in love with the baby girl, but it wasn’t the same. 

“You were so good with the baby.” Cas added as justification for his words. Dean realised how once again they were thinking on the exact same page and a small smile crossed his lips. 

“That’s different.” He said quietly, and Castiel raised an eyebrow as Dean met his eyes.

“Is it?” He asked indignantly.

“Of course it’s different.” Dean retorted a little irritably, feeling still uncomfortable and vulnerable. “It’s different in every possible way. I might not have reacted badly but…” He paused to rub his face and take a deep breath. “Cas she’s a part of two of the people I love the most. Me and you, we can’t do that. We can’t make a baby.” 

“I did notice that.” Cas responded with a petulant sigh. “But there are ways Dean. It doesn’t have to be adoption… there are surrogates.” 

“Who’d seriously want to do that for us, though?” 

“Some people would. You never know, Charlie might.” 

“You’d want ginger kids?” Dean winked and grinned at the thought. His face soon darkened. “Even so it’s not the same.” 

“I get that it would be difficult to decide but… what, you’re saying that you wouldn’t love a baby that wasn’t a part of you?”

“No.” Dean sighed. “I’m saying completely the opposite. If we were gunna go down that route they’d have to be your kids, not mine.” 

“Mine? Why?” Cas raised an eyebrow. He hadn’t failed to notice Dean’s use of the plural.

“Isn’t it obvious? For a start you’re the talent here. You’ve got the genes we’d want to pass down… and I wouldn’t want any of him in them.” 

Castiel was starting to see the problem. But it felt weird to him, the thought of having children with a woman that was totally unrelated, that didn’t have a connection to Dean at all. Maybe he wanted mini Deans running around with bright green eyes and dirty blonde hair. Maybe he’d rather look at a mirror of the man he loved than see himself in children Dean was raising. 

“I’m still not sure it’s what I want.” Cas pointed out. “But seeing you holding the baby… I don’t know it made me feel weird.” 

“I know what you mean.” Dean let out a quiet groan, having experienced the same strange feeling when the baby had been passed to Castiel. “I just don’t know if it’s a good idea for me. She’s a baby, not an irritating kid.”

“You still think you’d be like your father?” Cas was a little alarmed and wished he could reassure him, wished Dean could see himself through his eyes even for a moment, so he could see how much he thought of him. 

“I don't know, Cas, but I’d rather not find out.” 

“I think you’d be great.” Castiel insisted. “Besides, I’d be there the whole time.” 

“Would you?” Dean said irritably, an accusation. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Castiel looked hurt.

“Look, it’s not your fault and I get that but, Cas you work so much. I’d definitely be the one that’s always home with the kids and I just don’t know if I can be trusted.” 

“We could get a nanny?” 

“And have them brought up by a complete stranger rather than by us?”

Castiel’s mouth opened and closed several times while he tried to come up with something to add, some argument to change his mind, but Dean just stared at him with raised eyebrows as if daring him to try. Eventually he let out a sigh and held his hands up in surrender, feeling a little less happy than he had been. Dean watched his deflation and felt suddenly guilty. 

“Cas?” He said quietly, reaching out for his fiancé’s hand. “I’m not saying no, I’m not. Because the more I think about it the more I like the idea of having tiny little mini-yous running around. I’m just saying there’s a lot we’d have to think about before we even considered it.” 

 

*

 

“Who’d have thought that the next time we were back here we would be almost married ourselves?” Dean grinned as they stepped into the penthouse apartment, looking around nostalgically. They’d booked to spend the night in the hotel that Sam and Jess had held their wedding in before going back to LA the following day. His eyes landed on the thick carpet next to the couch where they’d held each other when they’d finally made up.

“Because _no one_ saw that coming.” Kevin remarked sarcastically, and Cas turned his head to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “Oh come on, you two spent both those nights in each other’s arms. You were never just friends!” Kevin protested with a roll of his eyes. 

Dean shot Castiel a look that was somewhere between a laugh and an agreement, and Cas shrugged as he stepped into his arms. 

“Mind you, you did need a bit of encouragement back in those early days. I think if it hadn’t been for myself and your friend Charlie that things might have ended up differently. You were both very stubborn.” Kevin continued with mirth, and the two men both chuckled.

“Ain’t that the truth.” Dean admitted with a smile at his future husband. 

After Kevin had taken his bag to unpack in his room, Cas looked around, remembering that first night they reunited, how strange he’d felt about having Dean back in his life, that odd mix of emotions he couldn’t get control over. He remembered the overwhelming desire, the overwhelming guilt, the overwhelming happiness, the overwhelming sense of closure on a difficult chapter of his life. As Dean watched him, the memories flashed in front of his own eyes as he read them in Castiel’s expression, and he smiled. 

With a nod of his head, Dean gestured to the floor and led Cas back a few steps. Upon realising his direction, Castiel grinned up at him as he sat down in the carpet and lay back, welcoming Dean’s head onto his shoulder as he was joined. 

“It feels like we’ve come full circle, coming back here.” Cas sighed happily.

“Best decision I’ve ever made.” Dean muttered, tilting his head to look up into Castiel’s eyes. “Coming up here that night.” 

“Better than agreeing to marry me?” Cas was smiling, eyebrows raised. 

“That wasn’t a decision, Cas, it was an inevitability.” 

Castiel chuckled and pressed a kiss to his fiancé’s forehead.

“I’ve honestly never been happier.” Dean said simply, and Castiel could see it there plainly in his eyes, the truth. “You were always supposed to be in my life.” Cas beamed as Dean lifted his head just enough to let their lips connect once again in a soft, slow kiss.

“You will always be my whole life, Dean Winchester.” Cas smiled as their lips pulled apart. 

“And you mine.” Dean agreed. His smile turned wicked and a fire lit up his eyes. “Now why don’t I show you what I wanted to do to you that night?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the official end! But fear not, I have removed the crappy wedding bit I had at the end of this chapter and rewritten it into the fluff central epilogue that I'll be posting Monday.


	39. Epilogue: Wedding

The reception was quite unlike Sam and Jess’s had been. For a start, the room was three times the size, and they were hosting several hundred people. Dean didn’t know the exact number and he hadn’t wanted to ask. Where flowers had decorated the tables and walls at his brother and sister-in-law’s evening, theirs was modern and sleek, less floral and more artistic. _We may be gay, Cas, but we’re not women,_ Dean had joked. Jess and Charlie wore matching floor length dresses of navy that complemented the darkest blue suits the men were wearing.  

From the top table, it was easy to forget the power and the money inside that room. It was easy to just stare into the eyes of his new husband because nothing else in the world mattered. It was easy to forget that they were a part of it. All Dean could do was smile. From the moment Castiel had shot him that cheeky smile as he’d said _I do_ , he’d been beaming. Because now, with that gold band on his finger, he had no doubts left. Because on this day there was nothing wrong with the world and everything was perfect. 

They’d eaten through the numerous courses slowly, and their stomachs were as happy and full as their hearts by the time the servers took away the empty plates. While Sam drained his glass of red wine, well aware of how expensive each bottle was and preparing mentally to stand and give a speech in front of so many high profile celebrities, Dean cast his eyes around the room, dragging them reluctantly from Castiel’s with the realisation that he needed to remember this day. 

With his gaze he met so many, people that he knew personally and that he didn’t, people that he’d met once and some that he’d met on many more occasions. Those he liked, and those he was indifferent to. He caught the eye of so many people that had helped them along the way, casting smiles at Alayna, at Graham Norton, Jennifer Lawrence, Taylor Swift. But also at Jo and Kevin and Crowley and Naomi, who had been invited to enjoy the day as guests rather than staff.  He grinned at them, and they smiled warmly back.

Dean sipped at the last of his champagne, (and yes, he was into that now), and glanced past Castiel over to his brother. Before today, he wouldn’t have believed that anything would unnerve the Stanford law graduate. After all, as a lawyer, public speaking was part of the job. But apparently addressing a room full of hundreds of celebrities would do the trick. He grinned, eyes dipping quickly to the sleeping baby in his wife’s arms, and Jess caught his look, shooting him a wink in return as she lifted a hand to her husband’s. 

When the microphone was brought up to their table and placed in front of Sam, the younger Winchester brother stood obediently, a rather forced, nervous smile on his lips. The room hushed patiently, the servers ensuring every last glass was full.

“Dean.” Sam spoke in his deep voice as he began to address the room, his tone shaking only slightly with just a hint of his nerves. “It might have taken you 25 years but I was so happy when you finally got your head out of your ass and told Cas that you love him.” He started and laughter rang around the room. Dean eyed his brother with raised eyebrows but he was laughing internally, and there was a broad smile across his lips. 

“As big brothers go, you’ve been better than the best.” Sam went on. “All you’ve ever done is keep me safe and protect me, even long after. And while I wish you hadn’t, while I wish I could have helped you or been through it with you to share the burden, of course I’m grateful. Grateful that you did what you did, and that you finally came through the other side.” 

“Cas, you’ve been an important part of our lives.” He glanced down to his wife and daughter, then back up to the movie star who had nothing but love in his eyes. “You’ve always been a good friend and I hope that never changes, but I need to thank you, for everything that you’ve done for Dean, because even though he managed to protect me… I could never protect him, but you did. You were what he held on to, even when dad was dead, and I didn’t understand for a long time but now it all makes sense. He’s always needed you the way I’ve always needed Jess. I could not be happier that you’re my brother now too, and I know you’ll continue to take care of him in the way you always have.”

When Sam finished Dean stood, ignoring the swell of emotion pitted in his stomach and rising up to his eyes as tears as he stepped behind his husband and pulled his brother into a tight hug. They grinned at each other when they pulled away, and while Cas hugged him too, Dean leant in to Jess to embrace her and kiss her cheek, stroking a finger down the baby’s face in admiration as he pulled back. The audience were clapping, and their glasses were ready when Sam called out. “To Castiel and Dean.”

After the applause had died down and Sam had sat back in his seat, Castiel stood in his stead. He still felt it a bit odd and suspicious that Dean had insisted on going last. He would have thought he’d want to get it over with, and wondered if he had some trick up his sleeve. He hadn’t quite forgiven him for how much he’d spent on his last Christmas present, after all. Everyone went quiet again, smiling back up at him, the main event. His eyes darted to the floor as he smiled, before he turned to look back at his new husband.

“I’m going to keep this short, because you know exactly how I feel about you already, and this is the proof.” He played with his wedding ring, grinning broadly. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last two years, it’s that the world is full of pain and horror.” He paused. “And yes, I know that this is a weird way to start a wedding speech.” 

The guests chuckled, eyes darting around with bemused, curious expressions. When Castiel looked down at Dean, he was met with a raised eyebrow, but a loving smile. 

“After everything we’ve been through… every goddamned thing, and there’s been a hell of a lot… all of it has just led me back to you. Because above all, I need you. We need each other. Because you have been my constant, my always, and I hope, Dean, that you will be my forever.” 

Dean knew his tears had spilled over but he couldn’t find it in him to care. His hand lifted automatically and slotted easily in Castiel’s.

“I love you.” Castiel continued, their eyes never dropping their connection. “More than anything. Always have, always will. I told you this recently, but I’m going to tell you again. You will always be my whole life, Dean Winchester.”

“Winchester-Novak.” Dean corrected, half laughing and half crying, as he stood and wrapped his arms tight around his husband, pulling his lips in for a long, slow kiss. 

As they pulled apart, Cas picked his glass up from the table, and Dean smiled coyly as the whole room toasted his name. “Dean.” 

And great, now it was his turn. He’d known this was a risk when he’d decided it would be easier to go last. He’d known he would start to cry like a baby the minute things got emotional. He’d been bad enough at Sammy’s wedding, let alone his own. He grabbed the napkin and dabbed at his face, clearing the tears if not the blotchiness. After Castiel had sat, he remained standing, and shifted the microphone over to him as he stood, taking deep calming breaths.

“Those of you that know me well will know how much I suck at public speaking.” Dean stuttered as the microphone amplified his slightly too quiet voice throughout the hall. He looked down at his husband, who beamed up at him with an amused smile, his bright blue eyes sparkling in the light. It would be easy just to get lost in them, and he had to resist the urge to bend down and kiss him again. He could get through this speech if he could keep looking at that perfect smile. 

“So I’ve enlisted a little help.” He continued, and at that Charlie turned at his side, pressing buttons on a remote control and starting up a projector above their heads. The white wall behind them suddenly changed, and now an image of them together as very young children, probably only 5 or 6 years old, was displayed. The wedding guests all sighed happily. There were large smiles on their faces, and when the photo changed to one of them tucked up next to each other in bed at a similar age, merry laughs rang around the room. 

“Cas, you’ve always been the most important part of my life.” Dean said truthfully, and Cas tore his eyes away from the slideshow for long enough to meet his eyes. “You have been my light, my soul, my saviour, and I don’t know how I ever coped without you.” 

The photo on the wall changed again, and there was more laughter at the picture of an 8 year old Castiel with ink all over his face, and a guilty looking young Dean holding the pen. Tears that couldn’t be held back began to fall from Castiel’s eyes. His smile was bright and wide and he’d never felt happier than at that moment. If he could have changed one thing, it would just have been that his mom had been there to see it. But he knew she was watching, and that she was proud beyond belief. 

“I heard a wedding speech once that made me realise how I felt about you.” Dean admitted, and his voice became suddenly quieter. His eyes darted between his husband, and his brother and sister-in-law. “Sam told Jess that he’d always known she was special, that he always knew she belonged in his arms. No one else has ever belonged in my arms, Cas. He said that life wasn’t worth living without her by his side, and I tried life without you baby, and it wasn’t worth living.” 

Castiel beamed, but there was a sadness behind his eyes.

“Our path hasn’t exactly been easy.” Dean sighed, and was about to continue. 

“You can say that again.” Charlie rolled her eyes next to him, but she was grinning, and Dean nudged her playfully. 

“But it’s been ours, and it wouldn’t have been right if it had been plain sailing, because that’s not who we are. We’re messy and complicated.” He beamed. 

A new picture showed them at Castiel’s 5th birthday party, Dean with pie all over his face and on his hands. “Definitely messy.” Cas laughed with a smirk, rubbing the tears from his cheeks. 

“I’m sure you’d say differently.” Dean carried on. “But I wouldn’t change anything. We’re here because of what we’ve done and the choices we’ve made, and everything we’ve been through has been worth it for this moment.” 

The next photo showed them slightly older, early in their teenage years, squirting each other with water guns in Castiel’s back yard. Their smiles were bright and happy, and the sun was lighting them up. 

“In just two years, Castiel, you’ve made me whole. You’ve made me a better man, a good person. When I came up to you that first night I was broken and hurting, and I thought that was just the way things were. But they didn’t have to be, and you showed me that. You showed me what it meant to be happy, what it meant to be myself.” 

“I don’t know what else I can say, baby, except I love you, and I always will.” Dean finished, and Castiel was crumbling under the weight of his emotion. He’d have broken down in sobs at that moment if Dean hadn’t gestured with a nod of his head to the projected image, which began to slowly fade out, and a poor quality video clip began to play in its stead.

The sun was beating down on a summer afternoon, and it looked like it must have been a beautiful day. The two young boys were playing in the yard, the sounds of their laughter ringing through the street. The darker haired boy came rushing down the slide, and as he reached the bottom, his hand caught on the edge and it twisted slightly, and soon his laughter was replaced by tears. The woman holding the camera rushed forward, but the other boy was already to his rescue and at his aid. The young Castiel cried until the young Dean took his hand in his own, brought it up to his lips and kissed it better. 

“And you wondered how your mom knew about us.” Dean whispered to Cas with a smirk, microphone well away from his lips. His hand found Castiel’s shoulder and squeezed, smiling as he leaned into him. 

The clip faded, instantly replaced by another. This time, the shot was of the staircase, and the woman was walking up the steps slowly. 

“Castiel?” She called out gently, and Dean felt Cas tense at hearing his mother’s voice again. The camera had reached the top of the stairs, and crossed along the corridor, pushing open the door into Castiel’s room, where he was sat on the floor, surrounded by paper and pens and making an almighty mess as he drew a picture. 

“What are you drawing?” Evelyn asked. The young boy looked up at the camera and at his mother with the cheekiest of smiles, eyes narrowing into almonds with his happiness as he lifted up his artwork to show them two stick figures in top hats, hand in hand. 

“It’s me and Dean.” The young Castiel said. 

“And what are you and Dean doing?” 

“Getting married.” He’d said matter-of-factly.

“Oh?” Evelyn’s voice had a happy lilt to it, you could hear her smile. The camera remained focused on the small boy whose grin still lit up his face.

“I love Dean, and when I grow up I want to marry him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say except thank you all so much and I love you... I love all of you! (Sorry I had to). 
> 
> In retrospect I probably should have called this fic two weddings and a funeral!
> 
> The prequel is now up - have added it to a series so it should be easy enough to find, and I'll try and continue updating that just as frequently but it'll be at least Friday before theres an update if not Monday - damn work lol.


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